Monday, July 13, 2009

The Guy's 10 Commandments

(1) Don't be a gossip (that's what fucking chicks do). If your buddy tells you something in confidence, keep that conversation between you and him.

(2) Don't sleep with a friend's mom or girlfriend. Violation of either of these rules is punishable by loss of friendship, and/or 10 kicks in the nuts. One night stands with a friend's sister are NOT allowed, but falling in love with a friend's sister IS allowed, provided you have your friend's permission. One night stands and/or relationships with a friend's ex, is NOT allowed if she dumped him (when she breaks up with him, she's breaking up with you). However, if he broke it off with her, then a 6 month grace period, and his permission can get a relationship, but NOT a one night stand.

(3) Always know the current champion of the 4 major sports without having to look it up (Phillies/Steelers/Lakers/Penguins), OR the champion of the past 10 years of your favorite sport, if you're one of those one sport guys (Phillies, Red Sox, Cardinals, White Sox, Red Sox, Marlins, Angels, Diamondbacks, Yankees, Yankees, Yankees), I can go on and on and on.

(4) Never EVER waste a good beer. If you opened it, FFS finish it.

(5) Do NOT surrender the remote to your woman on a sunday, EVER. The other 6 days, yeah you might have to on occasion, but sundays are a day for sports, and nothing but sports.

(6) If you have never suffered an injury (something that would put you on the 15 DL) while playing sports, then get the fuck out there, and do something stupid immediately.

(7) Provided that you are the driver, and it is your favorite team, and not some random team that you got free tickets to, NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, leave a game early. I don't care if you're down 15 runs in the 9th, and you're suffering from massive internal bleeding. You CANNOT leave early.

(8) Meat and Potatoes FFS. The words "guy" and "vegetarian" should never be in the same sentence.

(9) Be able to give precise directions to the nearest strip club to your place of residence, in case another man, or even better, a hot woman asks you for them. If said female asks you for directions, offer to take her to said location immed.

(10) If you have a woman, love her and honor her, and don't be one of those douchewads that fucks shit up for the rest of us.

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