Monday, October 12, 2009

Man Laws (Just for you Heather)

#1- Don't gossip and don't squeal! What a buddy tells you in confidence, or whatever stupid shit you and your buddies do, stays between said parties. Don't squeal or talk to the girls about that shit, keep it between the guys. Violation of said law is punishable by loss of friendship, 25 kicks to the nuts, and/or loss of man card.

#2- Under no circumstances is it ok to have sex with your buddy's girlfriend or mother. Intercourse with a buddy's ex, sister, or other family member can be allowed with the blessing of said friend, but precautions should be made, and one night stands in said instances are generally frowned upon. Bottom line, if you're going to fool around with a friend's sister or ex, it better be because you two are in love.

#3- Drink fucking beer, enjoy it, and don't fucking complain about it. If you don't drink because of moral, religious, or personal reasons that is fine, we're not going to judge you, but if you are a casual or heavy drinker, you sure as fuck better drink beer, and drink it regularly.

#4- Don't drink chicks drinks UNLESS somebody has bought it for you (see rule 5), or unless doing so will somehow greatly influence your chances of getting laid.

#5- If you are not driving, NEVER turn down a drink that a friend has bought for you.

#6- Be a good fucking wingman to your buddy, and he should do so in return. If you have to bang "the ugly friend" in order for your friend to score with "the hot one", then man up, down a few extra shots, do what you have to do, and don't complain about it afterwards. If he's a good friend, he will do the same thing for you somewhere down the line.

#7- Always be able to give precise directions to the nearest strip club.

#8- Always have at least one relevant piece of sports knowledge/trivia that the rest of your buddies don't know, so that you are able to contribute to the conversation.

#9- Play fantasy football and fantasy baseball. It's not a game for stat geeks, and middle aged losers, it's a great game that helps enhance your knowledge of the game, the players, and gives a more competitive feel to the week's games. Those who argue against it, are women who don't know shit, and men who try to mask their lack of sports knowledge, by denigrating those who participate in it.

#10- Be able to drink some version of whiskey (Irish, Scotch, American, or Canadian) on the rocks. It doesn't have to be your favorite drink, but you at least have to be able to stomach it when the pressure is on.

#11- Have either Die Hard or Terminator 2, but preferably both in your top 10 favorite movies of all time list.

#12- DON'T ever say the word "lovely"

#13- Have your own rules to beer pong, so that when you're losing, drunk, and pissed off, you can find a way to finagle your way out of a jam, and screw over your opponent.

#14- Find Megan Fox and Carrie Underwood to be out of this world fucking hot.

#15 BATHROOM ETIQUETTE: All right this is becoming a MAJOR problem, as so many guys are completely oblivious to the fact that they are doing extremely homo stuff

(a) Never make eye contact with another man in the men's room
(b) If the men's room has 2 urinals and 1 stall, and somebody is already using one of the urinals, then go to the fucking stall.
(c) If there are 3 urinals, and you're the first person to enter, go to one of the end stalls. If you're the 2nd person to enter, go to the other end, the middle stall should ONLY be used if all other spots are being occupied. The same goes for if there are 5, 7, or any odd numbered amounts of urinals. Give other men some fucking space and stop being a faggot.
(d) Men's room conversations should be limited to sports, booze, or the hot chick(s) at the bar.

#16- Crying is only permitted when:

(a) Watching one of your 5 favorite sports movies
(b) A close friend or family member has passed away or is terminally ill
(c) Your favorite sports team has just won a Championship, or suffered a soul-crushing defeat in the playoffs.

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