Monday, October 26, 2009

Women Laws

Alright, time to test how well I understand the psyche of the female gender based on my experiences and discussions with them. Yes they are going to be incredibly misogynistic and stereotypical, but so are the Man Laws (we really are a bunch of meat eating, sports and sex obsessed pigs), so please take no offense, I am an equal opportunity (Holy Shit the hottest chick in the world just walked by me, like holy shit she is OMFG hot, sorry back to my point), umm the moderator picks on each gender and its tendencies equally.

(1) Be a good gossip. That "bitch"/"asshole" is surely talking shit about you behind your back, so you must do the same to her/him.

(2a) HATE with all your heart and soul every asshole that your girlfriends ever dated, as well as every asshole that was friends with him.
(2b) HATE with all your heart and soul every bitch that ever dated your current significant other.

(3) Breaking a nail is a matter of national security. Hold the fucking phones, make everybody around you drop everything that they are doing to resolve this problem immediately.

(4) Treat your significant other's guy friends with love and respect. I may give them a hard time, but I have to say that every girlfriend of my buddies has always treated me with respect, and been cool to me.

(5) Weighing over 75 lbs. is just flat out unacceptable, and if you're not a negative size 10, you are a freakin cow, and need to lose some weight immediately.

(6) Your favorite food can only be a salad. You must consume them at least once a day, but preferably twice a day, with an apple, or some other sort of fruit serving as your breakfast. Let the guys eat meat, and anything else that tastes good, but being at least 30 lbs. underweight takes precedent over everything else food related.

(7) Love chocolate (but only in small doses), frozen yogurt, and those fruity drinks that they serve at Starbucks.

(8) When packing for vacations, or even just a weekend getaway, you must pack enough clothes, accessories, and all that other "girl shit" for at least 3 times the amount of days than you are actually going to be gone for, i.e. if you're going on a 2 night getaway, you must pack enough stuff for a week.

(9) When going out dancing, make sure to wear the most uncomfortable shoes that you own. I mean you're only going to be walking and moving around all night, so it makes absolutely no sense to wear comfortable foot apparel.

(10) At least 75% of your "favorite movies" must be Nora Ephron movies.

(11) Find me to be unattractive, absolutely despise my dress style, and especially my beloved Hush Puppies.

(12) It must always take you at least 3 hours to "get ready" before going out somewhere. I mean, getting your hair done, nails done, and doing all that other I don't know what the fuck it is that you women do that takes you so long, and to be honest I wouldn't notice a damn difference if it took you 5 minutes to get ready, but apparently some guys *cough homos* do, so worrying about all these unneccessary bullshit details is mandatory for the fairer sex.

(13) Be tight and loyal with all your girlfriends, and always have their backs in a fight with any of the guys. This should be Man Law #19 as well, just change the genders.

(14a) If you don't know anything about sports, pick the most popular team around, and "root" for them, just so that you can try and fit in with everybody else. Really this pertains to guys as well, and the girls who do this are kind of annoying, but the guys who do this are super fucking douchewad tools and fuckheads.
(14b) If you are a casual sports fan, educate yourself somewhat about sports, but don't know "too much" because you don't want everybody thinking that you're a dyke.
(14c) If you're a sports fanatic: well then you're just super awesome *high five + fist bump* and I and all other heterosexual males will sit down and talk to you anyday.

(15) Always concern yourself with what other people think about you, and what people will think about the action/decision you are about to make.

If you read this far without getting insane crazy pissed the fuck off, and planning how you were going to beat the ever living shit out of me, then bravo *double fist bump* you have a good sense of humor, are super awesome, and can actually recognize how ridiculous both genders can be sometimes. Scroll down to my earlier in the month posts to read the Man Laws.

1 comment:

  1. LoL Marc your so funny! For the most part you did a good job!!! Thanks to us "Women of friends" we have taught you well! :-P