You Might Be a Child of the 90's If...

- You can finish the following: "In West Philadelphia I was born and raised..."
- Kelly Kapowski/Zach Morris was your tv crush
- TECMO Football is still your favorite video game of all-time
- You knew that Aunt Becky was a MILF before the term MILF was invented
- You dreamed of having your very own cheese pizza just for you (if you get this reference and are a single female, please marry me)
- You are a diehard Cowboys or 49ers fan (and not from either of those cities)
- Raphael, Donatello, Leonardo, and Michalangelo aren't the names of famous artists to you
- You rescued the princess
- You couldn't wait for computer day because that meant: Oregon Trail
- You can still remember what channel Nickelodeon was (35 at my house)
- You can still do The Macarena
- You didn't need architecture class because you had fucking Legos
- You're still afraid of the dark
- You let the dogs out
- The first time you watched "Die Hard" you were waiting for Urkel to show up and fuck everything up
- The first gun you ever owned, you used to kill ducks
- You wanted to gouge your fucking eyes out and still can't forgive Justin Timberlake for those ungodly boy bands.
- Your little sister owned the movie "Spice World" and you watched it once because you were hoping for nudity
- You see dead people
- You had no fucking idea what the hoopla was over the OJ trial
- You and your friends always lied about having seen the movie "Showgirls"
- You watched The Spice Channel even though it was scrambled
- POGS were the greatest thing ever invented
- Michael Jordan was either God or the AnitChrist
- The "Big 3" will always be: Maddux, Glavine, and Smoltz
- Your were pissed when your parents wouldn't let you see "Jurassic Park" and when you eventually did see it, you were like: WTF is this shit?
- "Titanic" was the most important movie of all-time! Guys: because you finally got to see boobies. Girls: Because you fell in love with DiCaprio
- The Impeachment Trial taught you more about sex than your parents and school combined.

Woman of the Day: Britney Spears

Because she is fucking hawt, and because if you are a heterosexual teenager when she broke out, you fucking know that you used her music videos to get off on multiple occasions. This was always my personal favorite:

Things That Deserve More Love

- Wetzels Pretzels
- Midnight Movies
- The Arizona Diamondbacks
- Crown Royal
- Oscillating Fans
- The Deserted Island/Top 5 Car Game

2011 Hawt Chicks Draft Round 1

- Teams: Blondes, Brunettes, Redheads, Cougars
- Super Hawt Chicks will be selected based on breast size, body, face, sexiness, cuteness, star power, balance in fields and maintaining a balance of classy chicks, whorish chicks, HAWT chicks, and cute girl-next-door chicks.
- If chicks change their hair color, or if you don't agree with my definition of cougar then you can GFY this is my draft.

ALPHABETICAL ORDER (snake order)

Blondes: OHH MY GOD!!! The hawt chicks draft has had its first stunner. In a move kind of reminiscent of the Baltimore Ravens, the blondes' turn has been skipped. Apparently they thought that Brunettes came before Blondes alphabetically.

Brunettes: With the #1 overall pick in the hawt chick draft, the Brunettes have selected Natalie Portman. The Brunettes are very happy to have drafted a rising star, who has been in everything lately (and been smoking hawt in all of them), apparently delivered an awesome lesbian scene with Mila Kunis in "Black Swan" which the moderator still has not seen, and I mean she's Luke Skywalker's mother. How can one argue against this pick?

Blondes: With the #2 overall pick in the hawt chick draft, the Blondes have selected Carrie Underwood of American Idol fame. Pretty much the hawtest woman in the world, this was an easy slam dunk pick, and a great start to the blondes team, as she is equally hawt and classy.

Cougars: With the #3 overall pick in the hawt chick draft, the Cougars draft Sarah Palin! OMG the Cougars have pulled off a stunner! Bypassing Jennifer Aniston, Salma Hayek, and Demi Moore amongst others, the Cougars have channeled their inner Al Davis going for the ultimate boom-bust pick. Half the country hates, some Republicans still blame her for Obama winning, but she will bring in the Tina Fey and Lisa Ann fans of the world, as well as all the men who can't resist that sexy librarian look. We'll see how the rest of the Cougar team shapes up after this shocker. Will they go for a balance of power and target Michelle Obama?

Redheads: With the #4 overall pick in the hawt chick draft, the redheads have selected Isla Fisher. After some insanity in the 1st round, this is as safe a pick as one can get. The lovely Ms. Fisher is famous for being a sex-crazy freak who gives Vince Vaughn a handjob at the dinner table, so she definitely has the sexy-freak thing going for her in addition to playing girl-next-door roles in "Definitely,Maybe" and others that I haven't seen/won't admit to seeing. An excellent to the redheads team.

Thus concludes our first round, to recap:

Brunettes: Natalie Portman
Blondes: Carrie Underwood
Cougars: Sarah Palin
Redheads: Isla Fisher

Tune in tomorrow for what should be an exciting 2nd round full of surprises, and heavy debate.

Clayton Kershaw!!!

Give this man the 2011 NL Cy Young Award already! Leading the league in K's and Wins, 2nd in the league in ERA and WHIP, and doing all of this for a team that has been hopelessly out of the race since May. If King Felix could win it last year, there really is no argument to give it to Halladay, Lee, or anyone else in the NL barring something crazy.

Random Remembrances From This Weekend

- Drinking a ton of beer and a few shots on the first night. Drinking straight from the bottle some vodka and Jameson when called "a fucking pussy". Proved you fuckos wrong
- Heavily debating with woman and woman the merits of my various invented man laws, as well as my use of the word: "foolios"
- Being extremely hungover the whole 2nd day, but ending it in style with an awesome game of night water volleyball.
- Learning that when you play on the same as Natalie, you better not fuck up. Was pretty funny to see her get all gangster on Rick.
- Gawking with Eric and Matt at the smoking hot blonde chick on day 3. Even without my glasses I could make out that her tits were world-fucking-class.
- Puking my guts out at Fox's after massive drinking. Thanks Ryan for the jump-in-the-water idea, that was badly needed.
- Everyone going crazy Saturday night and then crashing early.
- Watching "Sweet Home Alabama" Sunday morning (Natalie's idea) but I loved the movie no homo no homo.

Woman of the Day: Shana Hiatt

"Sideline" Reporter for various poker shows/tournaments: umm just watch the video and if you don't wanna tap that, then you are TEH GHEY!

The Moderator and Hugs

Thanks to Natalie for pointing out with specific examples and evidence that I have an adversarial relationship with hugs. I have several problems with hugs:

(1) I always have a problem deciphering whether it's a hug situation or a fist-bump/handshake/other form of social greeting/departure situation. Then if the other person isn't on the same page as me, we really have a very awkward situation.

(2) Full on hug or half-ass out hug? See beginning of "Wedding Crashers" to summarize my opinions.

(3) How long should the hug last? You don't want to be rude and give too brief a hug, but you don't want to be inappropriate and give too long a hug. And there is also the issue that what may be an appropriate length hug to me may not be to the other person.

For all these reasons, I prefer to avoid the hug when at all possible, and opt for handshakes for formality and fist-bumps/high-fives for informality, as they cannot be misconstued. But I know that I must start incorporating more hugs as it's a very popular form of social greeting as you age, so your moderator will work on improving.

Random Remembrances from Last Night

- Someone stealing my fucking hamburger (got it back though)
- Doing a lot of shots, and having to stop at some point. I apologize all for my embarrassing performance, I wish there were some alcohol related PED's because I could use them.
- Giving DWill shit for busting my bracket (had Duke winning it all).
- Never playing any beer pong- wtf happened guys?
- Talking a lot of football- three Chiefs fans in the house!
- Actually doing very well talking to a couple of chicks before my BAC got crazy high, and everything fell apart. I actually don't remember what happened that made things deteriorate, but I just remember going to the bathroom and talking to myself about how I fucked up.

Adjustments (Must Read Ladies)

Alright women there is something that you must know about men. When we are adjusting our pants, we aren't always trying to scratch our balls, we're not always having dirty thoughts about you/other females, and we aren't trying to be rude or uncouth. Sometimes adjustments just have to be made, so until you grow a pair (well another pair) mind your own business and let us adjust in peace.

You Might Be a Degen If...

- you get confused when it is after midnight, you are awake and don't reek of cigarettes, booze, or strippers

- you "take a break" from one vice because you're too busy indulging in another one. ex) You haven't gone to a strip club in a week because you've been blackout drunk the whole time

- at anytime in your life you carried $1,000+ on you ALL THE TIME just "because something might come up"

- you are a member of pocketfives.com

- you count time by the last time you engaged in degenerate activities. ex) when asked what day it is: "umm lets see i've been playing poker for 40 hours so today must be wednesday"

- for the majority of your waking hours, it is dark outside. exception: you live in alaska, russia, or one of those other fucked up places.

- you find yourself frequently agreeing and nodding along while reading the moderator's stories and opinions

- a videotape of all the moments of your life that you "can't remember" would be longer than a yankees-red sox playoff game

- you have ever been playing poker at hawaiian gardens between the hours of 3am-7am, and were not up at least a couple hundred dollars

The Different Types of Strip Club Patrons

This blog has exhaustively analyzed and re-analyzed the types of strippers in an effort to educate my readers as to how to have the best possible time, and get the most bang for your buck, but here is an analysis of the types of strip club patrons. You may fit the profile of one of the below and not even know it, so beware, and if you fit the profile of one of the below, I'll see you soon.

The Drunk Guys: these guys show up and are basically begging the strippers to take their money, and the strippers kindly oblige. Often part of a birthday or bachelor party, they draw a LOT of attention to themselves in a negative way, and are at high-risk to get booted.

The Loser: can't get none on his own so he turns to strippers- pretty simple not rocket science. see the moderator for example. Usually has a look of disinterest as he knows none of these women really give two shits about him, and because this is nothing new to him.

The Baller: dressed nice, this guy can get women on his own but chooses to frequent strip clubs because they're fucking awesome. He makes it rain, brings tons of girls to him without drawing negative attention to himself.

The Douchebags: they're not drunk, but they usually come in groups of 4 or so, act like fucking 10 year-old kids, and usually harass the girls to some degree. These fuckos should be castrated.

The Married Guy: His wife either doesn't put out anymore, rarely puts out, or he's just sick of the same woman all the time. Whatever his reason, he is obviously very secretive, you can spot these guys from a mile away for their combination of boyish excitement and nervousness for fear of getting caught. From convos I've had with strippers, they tend to latch onto one particular chick and kind of replace his wife with her. DUDE JUST GET A DIVORCE BRO! Let this also be a warning to you women to put out or your husband will be in sad company with me.

The Creepy Old Man: This guy is fucking awesome and my idol even though he always makes the rest of us look bad! Divorced, widowed, or never married, he absolutely makes it rain, when he comes in, the girls flock like crazy to him, and being retired he has plenty of time and money to shower these girls with. He also has no woman to worry about, so he relives his youth here. The drawback of course is that his crazy tipping makes everyone else look like a cheapskate, and he might hog girls' time, but I still idolize this man! GO GET SOME BRO!

Woman of the Day: Selma Hayek

Umm...pretty much because of this. Pretty disappointing movie considering Tarantino's involvement, but this scene makes it worth watching and then some.

Statement that Need to Be Amended

That's the greatest thing since sliced bread ----->> That's the greatest thing since Bacon!

Look anyone who knows me, knows how much I love bread, sliced or not, and I mean who doesn't love a good sandwich, but to give sliced bread its own phrase over bacon is a crime, because lets face it bacon is the most fucking awesome thing ever and goes with everything.

In the Last 3 Games...

Dodgers starting pitchers have pitched 20 innings, and surrendered a total of 4ER against one of the league's top offenses. In those three games, the team's record is 0-3. If that's not worthy of an LOL I don't know what is?! This bullpen outside of Guerra is beyond pathetic to watch, and I'm pretty sure our offense should be renamed the GIDP's.

Some more fun facts:

- we also have committed more errors than runs scored in that time
- in 3 innings our bullpen has surrendered the same amount of runs (4), and Guerra has not seen any action. I know conventional baseball wisdom says you only pitch your closer in save situations, but C'Mon Man you really expect us to score off this Brewers pen which is sick nasty. At least give yourself a chance to extend the game b/c the rest of this pen is about as awesome as AIDS

Woman of the Day: Marion Cotillard

She's not out of this world hawt, but she does have a sexy elegance to her, and she has quickly become one of my favorite actresses. In a movie littered with A+ quality actors and actresses, I feel that she absolutely stole the show in "Inception". Please see every scene in which she interacts with Ellen Page if you don't believe me- I mean if you steal the scene away from Ellen Page whom I love as well, you're doing something right. Her other major role which she killed as well was as John Dillinger's woman in "Public Enemies", and I cannot wait to see her in the new Batman movie.

Bonus Points: I have a major thing for any woman who looks good with a gun in her hand.

marc1313's 25 Man Roster- Franchise Edition

If I'm building a franchise (so age matters) here's my 25 man squad.

C- Joe Mauer
1B- Adrian Gonzales
2B- Robinson Cano
SS- Troy Tulowitzki
3B- Jose Bautista (I'm gonna cheat kind of but he's played enough games there to make it and I'll settle for his - Defense)
OF- Ryan Braun, Matt Kemp, Justin Upton
SP- Felix Hernandez, Tim Lincecum, Justin Verlander, Clayton Kershaw, Jered Weaver
Set-Up: Craig Kimbrel
Closer: Jonathan Papelbon

BN: Brian McCann, Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, David Wright, Andrew McCutchen, Jacoby Ellsbury, Steven Strasburg, Antonio Bastardo, Cole Hamels, Josh Johnson

Underrated Movies You Should Check Out

- "True Romance" and "Jackie Brown": Tarantino's two unheralded films, both of which are excellent with engaging characters that you grow to attached to, and of course Tarantino's classic amazing dialogue.

- "Happythankyoumoreplease": An indie film that got very little publicity, it is directed/written by/stars Josh Radnor ("Ted" from How I Met Your Mother). If you like the show, you will LOVE the movie, as it tracks three sets of New Yorkers- all connected to each other struggling in their professional/romantic/social lives. It is a movie about being in life as a 20-something, one that everyone will be able to relate to in some way, featuring a couple excellent performers, and an A+ soundtrack.

- "LA Confidential": It won a bunch of awards, but nobody ever mentions it in their favorites list, which is a crime. It stars Russell Crowe, Kevin Spacey, and Guy Pearce, as three very different types of cops in 1950's L.A. who become drawn into three different cases all of which are intertwined. The grittiness of this film, as well as the strength of its leads especially Kim Basinger as a SMOKING HAWT prostitute make this my favorite cop drama of all time.

- "Ratatouille": The Pixar film that probably gets the least amount of love is also my favorite. The concept is silly: a rat who happens to be a culinary genius teams up with a goofy white kid to transform a declining restaurant into the powerhouse it once was. Laughs, great music, and pure Pixar magic all around.

- "Lucky Number Slevin": I won't give anything away, but if you like quirky, witty dialogue, an all-star cast, and a great mystery story that keeps you laughing all the while, this is the movie for you. The A+ ending will have you cheering for more.

The Dumbest People in the World

are people who post comments on youtube videos and/or after articles written by the major sports news outlets: espn, foxsports, yahoo. Seriously, read some of these posts, it makes me feel very sad for the state of the American educational system and the nation's future. The comments that aren't written by people with the spelling/grammar skills of a 5 year old kid with Down's Syndrome usually espout the most ridiculously retarded opinions one will ever find.

Feedback?

None of you foolios every provide feedback. Post a comment, send me an email, whatever you want, let me know what you like, what you don't like so much. I'm trying really hard to put forth a quality product, and to rediscover the magic that made this blog fucking amazing a couple years ago. So let me hear from you fools.

- Your Moderator

Congrats Jim Thome on 600!!!

One of the good guys of the game, a sure-fire first ballot Hall of Famer, and part of in my opinion the best lineup I have ever seen- mid 90's Indians. Lofton and Vizquel who got on base, stole a billion bases, and gave them a tremendous defense up the middle, followed by Belle, Thome, and Manny who terrorized pitchers with a lethal combination of hitting for average and power, and Sandy Alomar with his timely hits and GG catching.

While that team's pitching was mediocre, the fact that they never won a ring is just further proof as if the Browns and LeBron leaving aren't enough proof that Cleveland is forever cursed. But I will still never forget that offense scoring double-digits/game, Jacobs Field selling out every game to the tune of the drums beating in left field.

LOL Carlos Zambrano

Can this guy clown any worse? What a pathetic excuse for a professional athlete and teammate. It's one thing to be one of the most gifted pitchers in the game who never reaches the next level because he is mentally weak, but this is now the 3rd time I believe where he has showed his complete lack of class both to the opponent and his teammates. I never wish injury on a player, but if he blows out his arm and never pitches again I won't be upset.

Things That Are Un-American

- Breast Reduction Surgery (WHY LINDSAY SOTO WHY???!!!)
- Vegetarianism
- Non Crouton Salads
- Going to a baseball game and not getting a hot dog
- Punting (I'm looking at you Rick Neuheisel)

There Better Be Some Cuts Up in this Bitch

The Chiefs put up an lol worthy 25-0 performance in their first preseason game. Granted the starters either didn't play, or played very minimally, which only makes me more concerned about the depth on this team, particularly on offense, where the O-Line depth guys played horrendously by all accounts.

Random Remembrances from Last Night

- Congrats again Ryan and Hillary and Thank You to Hillary's family for putting on a fucking awesome party! Everyone looked great and the drinks were awesome!
- Got to see a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long time, it was a really great night of awesome sports convos.
- Drank a shit ton of those jungle juices which were really good
- Then switched to scotch, and I really started to fall apart. First the bartender chick did not know what Chivas was, then poured soda in when I said not to. She redeemed herself and then someone by pouring an insane amount of scotch (like 5+ shots) in my next drink.
- Very nice words by Ryan and Hill, and Jeff cracking jokes the whole time. Man we probably looked like the biggest assholes in the world laughing the whole time Woman was talking.
- Somewhere around the time I finished the 5+ shots drink, things get very very fuzzy.
- Apparently I went all Tyler Durden, and wanted to fight anyone and everyone. No punches were thrown, but I did end up in the pool.
- A certain unnamed chick who I really wanted to show up did not show up which was upsetting.
- Also, Ryan if you're reading this: how the fuck did you call me with Queen high? and we have to finish our match.

Awesome Mixers

- The song "Party Girls" and fucking anything
- Alcohol and Ibuprofen
- Vicodin and fucking anything...aww I miss my Vicodin
- Nurses and Powerful Sedatives
- Strippers and Scotch
- Chiefs wins and Raiders + Chargers losses
- UCLA football and road games
- Frank McCourt and the HIV Virus
- The moderator and a really bad golf shot
- The moderator and an argument with one who has earned "woman" status
- Asian + any other race= female
- Amazing rack + amazing ass
- Cougar + Stripper

Why Grooms other than Ryan are Getting Ripped Off

Hillary you win! Ryan's not getting ripped off but all other grooms are. Other brides/wives: if you disagree with below statements send me a math formula proving me wrong (ask Hillary for rules and instructions).

To the 4 women who have earned "Woman" status please do not take offense to this, and this is in no way directed at you, but brides and weddings in general. Ok, let me get this straight: the husband has to shell at MAJOR $$$ for an engagement ring, her parents have to shell out MAJOR MAJOR $$$$$$$$$ for the wedding, her bridesmaids have to shell out $ for a bridal shower + bachelorette party, plus wedding gifts + have to put up with a possible bridezilla, and the bachelorette gets to boss around ALL ABOVE parties for ~year, gets to have 4 parties in her honor (engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, wedding), and never pays a dime. Ok, if said bride serves as a bridesmaids on multiple occasions, that evens out, but on top of all of this, the husband who set this all in motion by shelling out MAJOR $$$ and making a dumbass decision only gets one party?! BULLFUCKING SHIT! To the 4 fiancees/husbands of those with "woman" status, you are all owed 3 VEGAS weekends guys only! I mean technically since you bought the ring, you should be entitled to more, but lets settle for 3. So grow a pair, and tell your women that we're going to Vegas asap.

You Might Have a Strip Club Problem if...

- Every song you hear on the radio reminds you of a time you had at a strip club
- You have met the doppleganger of multiple friends/acquaintances at a strip club
- You keep meeting people you know at strip clubs- this one surprisingly has never happened to me
- When you dance with a chick at a regular club, your instincts try to hand her some $$$
- You own a strip club VIP card
- The bouncers and doorman know you (if they know you by name you are a lost cause b/c you're even worse than me).
- Multiple strippers recognize you and remember you (do you have any idea how many dudes they see/day so for them to remember you, you have a fucking problem).
- When you open your wallet, you don't ask how much $$$ you have, but how many dances you can afford
- You got to the end of this list, and never once went: "OMG Marc What the Fuck?!"

NFL Offseason C'Mon Man's

- Vince Young for calling this team a "dream team" AND for including his name in the list of "big name" guys who will help this team. DOUBLE C'MON MAN!!

- The Broncos and Dolphins for fucking up the Kyle Orton trade. It was a trade made in heaven, and now both fan bases are livid. C'MON MAN!

- The Cincinnati Bengals for refusing to trade Carson Palmer, for allowing all their stud FA's to leave, for not spending any money to improve their team, and for making Frank McCourt and Ned Colletti look like Steinbrenner and Billy Beane. C'MON MAN!

- The Tampa Bay Bucs. You have a great young nucleus, and had a great season last year that has woke your fanbase from the dead, you have tons of money to spend, so what do you do? You bring in nobody new, you overpay for a fucking kicker and punter, and you let the leader of your defense Barrett Ruud walk without making an offer. C'MON MAN!

- Braylon Edwards: you are a free agent. You are one of the top WR's in a thin class. Ypu're probably the last stud not to sign, and looking for a long-term deal. So what do you do? You get in a bar fight, and then tweet around fucking some dudes up?! C'MON MAN!

- Rex Grossman: For stating that the Redskins are going to win the NFC East. C'MON MAN!

- The 49ers: for sending a mass email to the other GM's that Taylor Mays is available. Way not to look desperate and/or drive his trade value up. Also, if nobody bites, I'm sure he's gonna be STOKED to play for you. C'MON MAN!

NFL Offseason Losers

LOSERS

Bucs: They had $8954980809389 to spend, and the only player they bring in of any significance was a FUCKING PUNTER! And they crazily overpaid for him at that.

Raiders: While I actually liked the draft they had, you can't have a team lose their best defensive player (Asomugha), their leading receiver (Miller), and their best offensive lineman (Gallery), and not put them on the losers list. This team still has a nasty front 7, and Kevin Boss is a nice pickup, but there are still major problems on the offensive line, and this secondary without Nnamdi is going to struggle big time, now that opposing teams have the other half of the field available to them.

49ers: I have to imagine the Niners are just punting this season and trying to get Andrew Luck. How else, can you just allow half your starting defense (solid players not scrubs) walk, botch the Taylor Mays situation in the worst way possible, still not have a quarterback, and bring in nobody except a primadonna receiver who is best known for dropping passes and getting arrested.

Giants: The loss of Steve Smith puts them on this list, as Eli is going to sorely miss him and Kevin Boss as his safety valves. The Giants have some major turnover on their offensive line, which will hurt them given the lockout, and the Osi holdout has this team which already lost a lot on the verge of being one of the league's biggest flops this season.

And finally, for the team that lost it's quarterback, top 2 WR, who's RB might start the year in jail, and whose defense got even worse,

With the 1st Pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select: Andrew Luck, quarterback Stanford. Although knowing them, their FO will find a way to fuck that up too.

NFL Offseason Winners

WINNERS

Eagles: Asomugha, Jason Babin, Cullen Jenkins, Rodgers-Cromartie, 2 more draft picks in 2012, Steve Smith, Ronnie Brown, Vince Young (ok maybe that's a minus). While their LB corp is very inexperienced, their DL and DB is as good as any in football. On offense, it's going to be impossible to game plan for Celek and Smith over the middle, Slim Shady (LeSean McCoy) in the flats, Jackson and Maclin stretching the field deep, and that Vick guy.

Patriots: I absolutely hated their draft, especially the back-to-back RB picks, but they made up for it by stealing Haynesworth and OchoFucko away from their prior teams.

Texans: Yes they lost out on Asomugha, but they absolutely raped the draft, and the additions of the wildly underrated Jonathan Joseph and Daniel Manning will give them a respectable defense to complement this monster of an offense.

Saints: Franklin + Rogers + Kreutz + Sproles + Ingram= what few holes this team had have been solved. Franklin and Rogers are gonna absolutely wreak havoc in the middle of that line.

Rams: They drafted 3 pass catchers in the draft, and added Mike Sims-Walker to pair with a returning Donnie Avery on offense, and the additions of Quinn, Brady Poppinga, Al Harris, and Quentin Mikell on defense, gives them some serious playmakers alongside Chris Long and Laurinitis. This team is hands-down the favorites to with the NFC West in 2011, and for a while after that.

Chiefs Offseason Thoughts

With most of the offseason transactions completed, here are my thoughts on what the Chiefs have done both via the draft and free agency.

- In losses to the Raiders and Ravens, teams learned how to beat the Chiefs: double Bowe and commit everyone else to stopping Jamaal Charles on defense, and pounding the ball up the middle and getting the ball to the running backs and tight ends in open space. After Bowe, the Chiefs receiving corp was composed of guys that all the other 31 teams didn't want. Defensively, the Chiefs sorely were lacking a run-stuffing NT as Ron Edwards wore down toward the end of the season, and Mike Vrabel was too old and slow to cover backs and tight ends. The lack of a pass rush outside of Tamba Hali was a major cause of their defensive woes, and the strong play of their corners and safeties, forced QB's all season to check down- unfortunately our linebackers struggled mightily in coverage (particularly Vrabel).

- With that being said, I love the offseason moves that they have made. They shored up the receiving corp using their 1st round draft pick on Jonathan Baldwin who gives them a big-play guy who can stretch the field, and open up more holes for Bowe and Charles. Then in free agency, Pioli picked up Steve Breaston and Jerheme Urban to man the slot positions with Dexter McCluster. Both Breaston and Urban played under Haley who figures to be calling plays this season, and are familiar with his system. They will give Matt Cassel some reliable checkdown options along with TE Tony Moeaki.

- The biggest offensive addition imo though is FB LeRon McClain. Last year despite being the #1 rushing attack in the league, the Chiefs faltered on short-yardage situations time and time again. McClain will make for a fantastic lead-blocker for Charles and Jones, and is a nice weapon himself- a bruising weapon who can also catch balls with a decent YAC in the passing game.

- Defensively, the Chiefs were all about getting some more beef against the run, and trying to find that one more pass-rusher that can make this defense an elite unit. The addition of Kelly Gregg to play nose tackle gives the Chiefs the bull that can draw doubles that is vital to the 3-4 that they run. He will also make for a fine tutor to Jerrell Powe who is talented but very raw, and needs to be coached up. Snatching Brandon Siler from the Chargers gives them another solid run-stopper in the linebacking corp, and Siler who has a mean streak will push and compete with Jovan Belcher for PT.

- Finally, the resigning of Tamba Hali and Wallace Gilberry, and drafting of Allen Bailey and Justin Houston (who might be the steal of the draft) shows their commitment to getting after the passer. All the experts have been talking about the offense, but I think it's this defense with 3 stud corners, and Eric Berry in centerfield that will take the big step this year, and be a unit to be feared.

WEAKNESSES:

- From my POV this team still has two weaknesses. (1) The offensive line is a major concern to me. The 2nd round pick of Rodney Hudson should give us a reliable center for years to come, but this unit is still undersized. While the zone-blocking scheme is effective for the running game, this unit struggled throughout the season in pass protection, particularly on the right side. There is also very little depth, and if we were to suffer an injury or two, this unit will be in big trouble. (2) Youth: this is still an extremely young team. A very large portion of this team is 25 or younger (including the entire starting secondary), and the improvements mentioned, particularly those of defense, hinge on these young players progressing and constantly improving. While this youth is great for the 5-year outlook of the team, I still fear that our youth will cost us a couple games especially against this nightmare schedule.

The X-Factor: Matt Cassel. Cassel played very well last season: 27 TD's on only 7INT's, especially considering the mickey mouse receiving corp he had. With the Killer B's, Moeaki, and McCluster, on top of the league's #1 rushing attack, he has NO excuse to fail this season. If QB coach Jim Zorn can continue his progression, and Cassel plays as well as if not better than he did last year, this team can become one of the elite teams in the AFC. If he doesn't, look forward to 6-10.

Prognosis: I will wait until the end of the preseason to make my picks for the season, but for the above-mentioned reasons, I think the Chargers will win this division this year, as they are more experienced, will be hungry after last year's disappointment, and know that their window is closing.

Doctor's Offices

I have so many problems with them I don't even know where to start.

- First of all, how come they can never ever ever keep their appointment times. I mean anybody else you make an appointment, you make a reservation, and that time is honored by both the reserver and the reservee. What makes doctors immune to this rule? I think that it is total bullshit.

- I mean holy fucking shit they have to do something about the little kids running around in there? Parents are so fucking God awful at controlling their kids as it is, but they seem to do an even worse job at doctor's offices. I have to leave the room on a very consistent basis due to this problem.

- The Magazine selection: is fucking terrible. Not only is the selection very skimpy, but most of these magazines are outdated by at least a year. Now for you women and fags this might be ok, but I don't want to read a 2 year old issue of Sports Illustrated, unless of course it's the Swimsuit Edition. Either keep your magazine selection updated, or don't have them at all. The tease is worse than a lack thereof imo.

- Why do they make us wait, wait, wait, and then call us in, take our weight and BP, only to have us wait even longer in the actual office. And don't tell me that patient room chairs/bed aren't the most uncomfortable things on earth?

So There's This Stripper

and the moderator might be in love with her. She is:

- a cougar
- smoking hawt
- has an amazing rack
- a very nice figure to go with it
- wears glasses you all know I love
- More details to come when they become available

Curb Your Enthusiasm

- Funniest show on tv right now, and my new summer show. I am redonkulously hooked on it right now. Check it out asap.