- An ejection and vomit free night qualifies as a success
- The majority of your facebook posts from the past year were posted when your BAC was over 0.10
- It is March 1st, and you already have double digit videos in the hands of at least 5 people documenting your drunken shenanigans.
- Anytime you see a girl acting crazy while drunk you consider her your "soulmate"
- You have ever told your Spanish professor: "Yo soy borracho y yo soy pendejo" when she asked you if you were feeling okay.
- You have ever failed a college class because you needed at least 4 more hours to survive the hangover
- You have ever been studying for a final, and decided that you learn better drunk, got drunk, took the final borderline passed out, and still got an "A"- might have been an A- but still impressive.
- You ever went to class drunk, scribbled some notes (that looked like a 2 year old wrote them), fell asleep, and then peaced out, and everyone thought you were just sick because you're just a sicko who can chill when he has to.
- You have an entire blog dedicated 75% to your drunken shenanigans and it has 8,000+ page views
Aside: I am seriously starting to believe that How I Met Your Mother steals shit from my blog. From Barney falling in love with a stripper, Barney and Ted spending WAY too much time at a strip club, the Drunk Train, Barney's insane antics + rules, and Ted's emo mushiness its seriously like they steal from this shit.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Things That Will Not End Well...
All the below situations assume that your BAC is greater than 0.15
- Outgoing messages of any kind
- What comes after the phrase "Fuck it. I'm gonna go for it."
- Going to the bathroom
- Turning on your computer for any reason whatsoever
- Opening your wallet for any reason whatsoever
- Going within 100 feet of an ATM
- Being within 5 miles of a strip club
- Entering a bar/club with a strict ejection policy with the moderator
- Any bet for any reason whatsoever
- What comes after the phrase: "can i buy you a drink?"
- Not looking for rings
- Drinking an "Adios" or "Four Loko" unless your intention is to not remember anything in the morning
- Doing shots of Jager for any reason whatsover
- Not eating
- Outgoing messages of any kind
- What comes after the phrase "Fuck it. I'm gonna go for it."
- Going to the bathroom
- Turning on your computer for any reason whatsoever
- Opening your wallet for any reason whatsoever
- Going within 100 feet of an ATM
- Being within 5 miles of a strip club
- Entering a bar/club with a strict ejection policy with the moderator
- Any bet for any reason whatsoever
- What comes after the phrase: "can i buy you a drink?"
- Not looking for rings
- Drinking an "Adios" or "Four Loko" unless your intention is to not remember anything in the morning
- Doing shots of Jager for any reason whatsover
- Not eating
February 29th and Other Things That Happen Once Every 4 Years
I know this post a day late, but better late than never...
- Me meeting a redhead and not insta falling in love with her (this actually happened to me yesterday). Objectively she was attractive, but she just didn't do it for me. But never fear about your moderator, today I met another redhead- a cougar this time, and DID insta fall in love.
- Ned Colletti making an intelligent baseball decision
- The moderator having either a major surgery or an outpatient procedure going horribly awry. BTW: I am totally due for one anyday now.
- A bangable chick hitting on me
- The moderator going out drinking and NOT breaking the seal
- The moderator producing quality blogging while sober which I am right now which is why this post sucks
- Ok I fixed myself a scotch on the rocks, this should get better.
- The moderator producing shitty blogging with any alcohol in his system
- Me meeting a redhead and not insta falling in love with her (this actually happened to me yesterday). Objectively she was attractive, but she just didn't do it for me. But never fear about your moderator, today I met another redhead- a cougar this time, and DID insta fall in love.
- Ned Colletti making an intelligent baseball decision
- The moderator having either a major surgery or an outpatient procedure going horribly awry. BTW: I am totally due for one anyday now.
- A bangable chick hitting on me
- The moderator going out drinking and NOT breaking the seal
- The moderator producing quality blogging while sober which I am right now which is why this post sucks
- Ok I fixed myself a scotch on the rocks, this should get better.
- The moderator producing shitty blogging with any alcohol in his system
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
The Toothpick Move- Opinions Needed
Note #1: The moderator has patented this move, and decrees that only those who are obsessive toothpick users may use this move.
Note #2: There was a 50/50 split on whether this move was money or bad swag. Please offer your opinions.
The Move: I am at the bar with everybody and am about to dance with my drunk twin. The bouncer makes me put my drink down before I can go on the dance floor. At the same time I realize that the toothpick which I have been using for about 894890949094 hours is gonna smack this girl in the head if I use it while dancing with her.
For some reason the end of the movie "Grease" where Travolta and Olivia Newton-John take off their jackets and casually backflip them on the ground comes to my mind so I do the same with my toothpick and then grab her hands to dance. I thought it was really fucking sleek but I was fucked up that it probably looked atrocious. Audience reaction was mixed- trying to find video.
Note #2: There was a 50/50 split on whether this move was money or bad swag. Please offer your opinions.
The Move: I am at the bar with everybody and am about to dance with my drunk twin. The bouncer makes me put my drink down before I can go on the dance floor. At the same time I realize that the toothpick which I have been using for about 894890949094 hours is gonna smack this girl in the head if I use it while dancing with her.
For some reason the end of the movie "Grease" where Travolta and Olivia Newton-John take off their jackets and casually backflip them on the ground comes to my mind so I do the same with my toothpick and then grab her hands to dance. I thought it was really fucking sleek but I was fucked up that it probably looked atrocious. Audience reaction was mixed- trying to find video.
Legendary or Really really really bad?
I'll post you decide.
(1) The fact that there are now double digit videos of my drunken insanity in 2012
(2) The fact that for me: # of drunk marriage proposals I've made > # of dates I have gone on
(3) Facebook and my debit card receipts are usually the way I figure out WHERE i was the night before. Not what I did there, but just where the fuck I was!
(4) The majority of cab rides that I have been on in my life have been permanently erased from my memory.
(1) The fact that there are now double digit videos of my drunken insanity in 2012
(2) The fact that for me: # of drunk marriage proposals I've made > # of dates I have gone on
(3) Facebook and my debit card receipts are usually the way I figure out WHERE i was the night before. Not what I did there, but just where the fuck I was!
(4) The majority of cab rides that I have been on in my life have been permanently erased from my memory.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Random Remembrances from This Weekend (Monterey Edition)
Friday:
- Drinking a beer for breakfast
- Pounding beers on the course with Ryan and being pretty buzzed by 10am. Made 2 birdies but back to back doubles killed any chance of a great round. Still an 84 on a tough course- I'll take it.
- Rally cupping it at Eric's game and meeting my drunk twin
- Setting the world record for most pees in one day
- Phenomenal dinner and a monster glass of scotch to keep things going
- Lots and lots of scotch drinking, and some dancing with my drunk twin.
- Playing my A game in pool only to pound a couple scotches and make zero shots in 2 straight games
- Inventing "the toothpick move" see above
- Lots of talking to random people
- Leaving the bar and having some apparently hot chick ask Ryan about me. We missed each other so I never hooked up- FML!
- Making it in time to use the McDonals pisser by like 3 minutes
Saturday:
- Started the drinking around 3pm with a monster scotch and the world's best cup of clam chowder. "Congratulations! You did it! World's best cup of chowder"
- 3 Margaritas with dinner and they were strong as fuck
- Shots + an unknown number of scotches but the minimum number was 5.
- Having a shit ton of "challenge accepteds" with Eric
- Shooting the shit with my boy BDay and the man, the legend Sam Dow
- Seeing a strip club like private room at the bar and having people tell me that I needed to give all the women a lap dance. Somebody said I bet you wouldn't know how to give one to which I replied: "Of course not. When I'm getting a lap dance, I'm not fucking paying attention to her dancing abilities".
- I think I did a lot of dancing
- Video blogging
- Blacking the fuck out
Sunday
- Getting to the game and seeing everybody else as hung the fuck over as I was. It was really fucking funny.
- Standard all day sunday hangover where I just wanted to die
- Paul telling me that I delivered a marriage proposal in my video blog and me not being surprised in the least
- Drinking a beer for breakfast
- Pounding beers on the course with Ryan and being pretty buzzed by 10am. Made 2 birdies but back to back doubles killed any chance of a great round. Still an 84 on a tough course- I'll take it.
- Rally cupping it at Eric's game and meeting my drunk twin
- Setting the world record for most pees in one day
- Phenomenal dinner and a monster glass of scotch to keep things going
- Lots and lots of scotch drinking, and some dancing with my drunk twin.
- Playing my A game in pool only to pound a couple scotches and make zero shots in 2 straight games
- Inventing "the toothpick move" see above
- Lots of talking to random people
- Leaving the bar and having some apparently hot chick ask Ryan about me. We missed each other so I never hooked up- FML!
- Making it in time to use the McDonals pisser by like 3 minutes
Saturday:
- Started the drinking around 3pm with a monster scotch and the world's best cup of clam chowder. "Congratulations! You did it! World's best cup of chowder"
- 3 Margaritas with dinner and they were strong as fuck
- Shots + an unknown number of scotches but the minimum number was 5.
- Having a shit ton of "challenge accepteds" with Eric
- Shooting the shit with my boy BDay and the man, the legend Sam Dow
- Seeing a strip club like private room at the bar and having people tell me that I needed to give all the women a lap dance. Somebody said I bet you wouldn't know how to give one to which I replied: "Of course not. When I'm getting a lap dance, I'm not fucking paying attention to her dancing abilities".
- I think I did a lot of dancing
- Video blogging
- Blacking the fuck out
Sunday
- Getting to the game and seeing everybody else as hung the fuck over as I was. It was really fucking funny.
- Standard all day sunday hangover where I just wanted to die
- Paul telling me that I delivered a marriage proposal in my video blog and me not being surprised in the least
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