Friday, October 9, 2009
Misogyny
Alright while some of my posts may seem incredibly misogynistic, and anti-female, let me clarify that I am by no means a misogynist, and that I love women. Considering the fact that such a high percentage of guys are super douchebag fuckheads, I will admit that you ladies are in general the superior gender, although you definitely have your share of bad apples as well. My ranting and raving posts are merely an attempt to try and understand what the fuck you are talking about/what you want/what makes you happy. Oftentimes in life we lash out at that which we do not understand, and women are definitely something that I do not understand, so sorry if I'm a jackass sometimes (hey I'm a guy that's what we do, I can't help it). Anyways, thank you for your patience and understanding, I will try and make this blog as female friendly as possible, although I'm going to need your help because I'm running low on ideas/issues to discuss that females might find interesting, since I have such a minute understanding of your bizarre race.
The Hills
Alright since 100% of all my age females that I know cannot stop talking about and raving about this show, I figured I should at least take a couple minutes to google it, and OMFG Woman Woman, and Woman: Why the hell did you not tell me that all of the females appearing on this show are out of this world hot? I mean who cares about the stinkin' premise the level of attractiveness on these chicks makes this show must see TV. At least, that's what they want you to think.
You see, this is all one giant conspiracy by women to homofy the men in this country. They put out this program, and dangle insanely hot 20 something women around to try and attract the male audience. However, since (presumably) there are few male characters on these shows, and if there are they are just token super homos and/or douchebags who shouldn't be taken seriously, the female characters own this show. Pretty soon you'll be thinking like a woman, acting like a woman, and be giving into all female demands. Do not fall for this ohh so clever trap that the Woman Majority has set for us, unless of course it is lesbian make-out session week on the show, but even then proceed with caution, and locate and use the mute button on your remote control, unless of course your own woman is complaining to you, in which case:
ROCK YOU HARD PLACE
You see, this is all one giant conspiracy by women to homofy the men in this country. They put out this program, and dangle insanely hot 20 something women around to try and attract the male audience. However, since (presumably) there are few male characters on these shows, and if there are they are just token super homos and/or douchebags who shouldn't be taken seriously, the female characters own this show. Pretty soon you'll be thinking like a woman, acting like a woman, and be giving into all female demands. Do not fall for this ohh so clever trap that the Woman Majority has set for us, unless of course it is lesbian make-out session week on the show, but even then proceed with caution, and locate and use the mute button on your remote control, unless of course your own woman is complaining to you, in which case:
ROCK YOU HARD PLACE
Coincidence I Hope Not!
This is a story of two glorious days that are 16 years and 5 days apart, each which are officially etched into my memory forever, the details of which I shall never forget.
Day 1: October 3, 1993. I'm 9 years old, and it is my 3rd full year as a diehard Dodger fan (my fanhood may go back a bit farther, but that is as far as I can consciously remember). The Dodgers are finishing up their second straight miserable season 80-81 for the year, but this day the story is not about them. It is about the 102-59 San Francisco Giants who being the day tied with the Atlanta Braves for the NL West Crown (this was when there were only 2 divisions in each league). It is Fan Appreciation Day at Chavez Ravine, and as becomes our custom, my dad and I go to the game. The pitching matchup pits Dodger vet Kevin Gross against Giants rookie Salmoan Torres. The Braves win their game against the Rockies early in the day 5-3 behind Tom Glavine's standard shutdown performance (yes I really remember all of this off the top of my head, if you ever doubted me, that's how important baseball is to me). As for the Dodgers-Giants game, it is never close. Gross pitches a gem, allowing only one run, and Torres gets rocked early, with Mike Piazza capping his ROY season with 2 HR's giving him 35/121 for the year, as the Dodgers route the Giants 12-1. Until today, this was one of the greatest moments in my life as a Dodgers fan, just to watch us inflict so much pain on the hated ones.
Day 2: October 8. 2009. Game 2 of the NLDS pits Clayton Kershaw against Adam Wainwright. Each starting pitcher pitches his heart out, but it is Wainwright who leaves the game with the 2-1 lead going into the 9th. The Dodgers make two quick outs in the 9th, when James Loney hits a line drive right at Matt Holliday who boots the routine fly ball. What follows is the most improbable win, as unsung and forgotten players Ronnie Belliard, and the 25th man Mark Loretta come up with huge hits to propel the Dodgers to a 3-2 victory, and a 2-0 series lead.
The Connection: For both games, I was sitting in the Reserved Level Aisle 35, and when I saw my ticket for last night's game, my first thought was memories of that glorious day so many years ago. When I saw the ticket, I really got the feeling that something special was going to happen today, and for the first time in my life, the Dodgers did not let me down when I needed them the most. The difference between these two days, is that 16 years ago, I was a young fan rooting for a bad team, just hoping to spoil the rivals season, but today, my team has a legitimate chance of winning the whole damn thing. Winning a World Series is something that I have wasted countless birthday wishes on, and the reason why I pour my heart into every at-bat of every inning of every game for the entire season, and to see my boys in blue come through today was a moment that I won't forget for the rest of my life. Win or Lose, I love being a Dodger fan, and I'll support my team until the day that I die! This is THE YEAR GUYS!
Day 1: October 3, 1993. I'm 9 years old, and it is my 3rd full year as a diehard Dodger fan (my fanhood may go back a bit farther, but that is as far as I can consciously remember). The Dodgers are finishing up their second straight miserable season 80-81 for the year, but this day the story is not about them. It is about the 102-59 San Francisco Giants who being the day tied with the Atlanta Braves for the NL West Crown (this was when there were only 2 divisions in each league). It is Fan Appreciation Day at Chavez Ravine, and as becomes our custom, my dad and I go to the game. The pitching matchup pits Dodger vet Kevin Gross against Giants rookie Salmoan Torres. The Braves win their game against the Rockies early in the day 5-3 behind Tom Glavine's standard shutdown performance (yes I really remember all of this off the top of my head, if you ever doubted me, that's how important baseball is to me). As for the Dodgers-Giants game, it is never close. Gross pitches a gem, allowing only one run, and Torres gets rocked early, with Mike Piazza capping his ROY season with 2 HR's giving him 35/121 for the year, as the Dodgers route the Giants 12-1. Until today, this was one of the greatest moments in my life as a Dodgers fan, just to watch us inflict so much pain on the hated ones.
Day 2: October 8. 2009. Game 2 of the NLDS pits Clayton Kershaw against Adam Wainwright. Each starting pitcher pitches his heart out, but it is Wainwright who leaves the game with the 2-1 lead going into the 9th. The Dodgers make two quick outs in the 9th, when James Loney hits a line drive right at Matt Holliday who boots the routine fly ball. What follows is the most improbable win, as unsung and forgotten players Ronnie Belliard, and the 25th man Mark Loretta come up with huge hits to propel the Dodgers to a 3-2 victory, and a 2-0 series lead.
The Connection: For both games, I was sitting in the Reserved Level Aisle 35, and when I saw my ticket for last night's game, my first thought was memories of that glorious day so many years ago. When I saw the ticket, I really got the feeling that something special was going to happen today, and for the first time in my life, the Dodgers did not let me down when I needed them the most. The difference between these two days, is that 16 years ago, I was a young fan rooting for a bad team, just hoping to spoil the rivals season, but today, my team has a legitimate chance of winning the whole damn thing. Winning a World Series is something that I have wasted countless birthday wishes on, and the reason why I pour my heart into every at-bat of every inning of every game for the entire season, and to see my boys in blue come through today was a moment that I won't forget for the rest of my life. Win or Lose, I love being a Dodger fan, and I'll support my team until the day that I die! This is THE YEAR GUYS!
Top 5 Beverages Known to Mankind
(5) Vodka Rocks with a twist of lime.
(4) Gatorade from a cooler after competing in any type of athletic or competitive event is just the absolute nuts.
(3) H20. Water is probably the most complex, multidimensional, yet simple composition on the face of the planet, but it is "healthy" for you, and can be consumed at any time of the day, and when you're a desperately dehydrated mother fucker who is coming off a big surgery, and water is the only thing you're allowed to consume para oral, you get a little bit addicted to it.
(2) An ice cold beer. Don't give me this light beer/dark beer, cheap beer/expensive beer, domestic/imported bullshit. A beer is a beer. It is meant to be enjoyed, consumed, and played a fun version of ping pong with, and NOTHING ELSE!
(1) Scotch/Irish/American/Canadian Whiskey on the Rocks. The smooth flavor blended with ice to keep the drink chilled is like tasting Heaven on Earth. Chivas, Jameson, Jack, and Crown FTW!
(4) Gatorade from a cooler after competing in any type of athletic or competitive event is just the absolute nuts.
(3) H20. Water is probably the most complex, multidimensional, yet simple composition on the face of the planet, but it is "healthy" for you, and can be consumed at any time of the day, and when you're a desperately dehydrated mother fucker who is coming off a big surgery, and water is the only thing you're allowed to consume para oral, you get a little bit addicted to it.
(2) An ice cold beer. Don't give me this light beer/dark beer, cheap beer/expensive beer, domestic/imported bullshit. A beer is a beer. It is meant to be enjoyed, consumed, and played a fun version of ping pong with, and NOTHING ELSE!
(1) Scotch/Irish/American/Canadian Whiskey on the Rocks. The smooth flavor blended with ice to keep the drink chilled is like tasting Heaven on Earth. Chivas, Jameson, Jack, and Crown FTW!
What Exactly is "Nice"?
Alright so this has been bothering me for awhile, and while this question does not really pertain to incompetent fools like moi, I'm really curious as to what the female gender qualifies as "a nice guy"? We've all heard the expression that "Nice guys finish last", and I don't really know or fucking care if it's true or not. However, what the fuck qualifies you as being a nice guy, and what is the fine line between being a nice guy, and a pushover? What's the fine line between cool and mysterious and being a jerk? Or do women like jerks? Or does it just depend on what time of the month it is? I mean trying to understand women is like trying to listen to "Because I Got High" without laughing, it simply cannot be done. So please female readers, enlighten this jackass, what the fuck are we supposed to do to make you happy but at the same time get your attention?
Woman of the Night
Giada DeLaurentiis- Because the food she makes always looks amazingly scrumptious
- Because even incompetent bachelors like yours truly who couldn't find anything in the kitchen other than the microwave unless you gave them a map, will still tune into the Food Network anytime Everyday Italian is on.
- Because her perky and upbeat personality makes her that much sexier. God I love this woman.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
MLB Week In Review
Alright you've probably been wondering where the fuck the baseball posts have been. Now I'm very very superstitious, and it seems like every time I've blogged or facebooked about the Dodgers, they go on to lose the next day, but since they have an off day tomorrow, and I already facebooked, I'll break the silence.
Twins-Tigers: Thank you to both teams for one of the most exciting, breathtaking, well played games I have ever seen. Nobody who saw that game will ever forget it, and you showed us again why there is nothing in the world greater than October baseball! It makes heroes out of the unlikeliest of players: Francisco Cabrera, Gene Larkin, and now Alexi Casilla are names that baseballholics will have etched into their memories forever.
Rockies-Phillies: Cliff Lee was Cliff Lee (once again a major fuck you to Mark Shapiro from the other NL Playoff teams for basically giving this guy away), but CarGo and Yorvit Torrealba raked to put them right back into contention. It should be fun to watch these teams play in sub freezing temperatures on Saturday night in Coors.
Yankees-Twins: I doubt that anybody really expected the Twins to have a shot in game 1, after Tuesday's madness, but they should be rested and ready to go tomorrow. Burnett is beatable, and the Twins have played like a team of destiny, with every game being a playoff game for the past month. Ohh and Joe Girardi, was it seriously necessary to make 3409489038 mid-inning pitching changes in a 7-2 game with no runners on?
Dodgers-Cardinals: Speaking of unsung heroes, how about Ronnie Belliard (who was on the Nats two months ago), and Mark Loretta (the forgotten 25th man who almost missed the playoff roster cut)? The difference between this year's team and last year's, is that everybody is contributing, and believes in themselves, not just Manny. Still, Manny HAS to turn it around if we're going to advance deep into October. Ohh and shout out to the forgotten heroes, who have been the true MVP's of this series so far: Jeff Weaver, Ronald Belisario, Hong-Chi Kuo, George Sherrill, and Big Jon Broxton. 8 IP, 1 R against this potent attack is outstanding, and given our offense the chance to scratch out enough runs to win.
Angels-Red Sox: To all you Halo fans who were hard on Lackey this year when he was struggling, I've been telling you all along, that this man is without any doubt or equivocation your ACE, and he proved it tonight. He's been the victim of some really bad luck, and anemic offensive performances by the Halos in the past few playoff appearances, but the man is absolute nails when his team needs him the most. Beating Lester is huge, beating a healthy Beckett would be even BIGGER, and with the whole Nick Adenhart thing, this really does feel like the year that the Halos finally beat the Sox, to set up an all time ALCS.
Twins-Tigers: Thank you to both teams for one of the most exciting, breathtaking, well played games I have ever seen. Nobody who saw that game will ever forget it, and you showed us again why there is nothing in the world greater than October baseball! It makes heroes out of the unlikeliest of players: Francisco Cabrera, Gene Larkin, and now Alexi Casilla are names that baseballholics will have etched into their memories forever.
Rockies-Phillies: Cliff Lee was Cliff Lee (once again a major fuck you to Mark Shapiro from the other NL Playoff teams for basically giving this guy away), but CarGo and Yorvit Torrealba raked to put them right back into contention. It should be fun to watch these teams play in sub freezing temperatures on Saturday night in Coors.
Yankees-Twins: I doubt that anybody really expected the Twins to have a shot in game 1, after Tuesday's madness, but they should be rested and ready to go tomorrow. Burnett is beatable, and the Twins have played like a team of destiny, with every game being a playoff game for the past month. Ohh and Joe Girardi, was it seriously necessary to make 3409489038 mid-inning pitching changes in a 7-2 game with no runners on?
Dodgers-Cardinals: Speaking of unsung heroes, how about Ronnie Belliard (who was on the Nats two months ago), and Mark Loretta (the forgotten 25th man who almost missed the playoff roster cut)? The difference between this year's team and last year's, is that everybody is contributing, and believes in themselves, not just Manny. Still, Manny HAS to turn it around if we're going to advance deep into October. Ohh and shout out to the forgotten heroes, who have been the true MVP's of this series so far: Jeff Weaver, Ronald Belisario, Hong-Chi Kuo, George Sherrill, and Big Jon Broxton. 8 IP, 1 R against this potent attack is outstanding, and given our offense the chance to scratch out enough runs to win.
Angels-Red Sox: To all you Halo fans who were hard on Lackey this year when he was struggling, I've been telling you all along, that this man is without any doubt or equivocation your ACE, and he proved it tonight. He's been the victim of some really bad luck, and anemic offensive performances by the Halos in the past few playoff appearances, but the man is absolute nails when his team needs him the most. Beating Lester is huge, beating a healthy Beckett would be even BIGGER, and with the whole Nick Adenhart thing, this really does feel like the year that the Halos finally beat the Sox, to set up an all time ALCS.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
