Alright, so for you baseball fans out there, I'm sure you've heard the expression: "five tool player": hits for average, hits for power, speed, plays good defense, and has a strong arm. Well I'm here to enlighten you about a breed of people that's even rarer than a five tool baseball player, and that's a five tool woman. Three tool women are extremely easy to find, especially in So Cal, and finding a four tooler is kind of like finding a clean gas station restroom (you're pleasantly surprised, but it's not earth shattering, and doesn't make your day). However, finding a five tooler, or even conversing with one is like hitting the fucking lottery, it just doesn't happen everyday, and if you meet said female, you are legally obligated to insta marry her. The tools are as follows:
(1) Nice Rack
(2) Nice ass
(3) Pretty face
(4) Well proportioned
(5) Morally flexible and available
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Memo to All Female Readers
You have all expressed to me mild-high levels of concerns over this weekend's bachelor party (with good reason to, I know that I'm not exactly the posterchild for morality) as well as the physical/financial/social well-being of all its participants. This post is designed to alleviate all such concerns; nobody is going to die, nobody is going to end up in jail, and most importantly none of us will have any contact whatsoever with any member of the female gender. We're going to take the 5 year old's approach to girls, in that they all have cooties, and should be avoided at all costs. Just to show how serious I am, and only because I love you all, I am going to violate Man Law, by giving you a play-by-play itinerary of the entire weekend. Please note, that minor adjustments may be made at the discretion of myself or Ryan.
Friday Night:
- 6:30 plane lands in Vegas
- 7:00 arrive at Planet Hollywood, get settled
- 7:10 go to the nearest vending machine, and clean them out of Diet Cokes
- 7:20-11:00 discuss our feelings while drinking our virgin scotch and sodas
- 11:00 go to bed
Saturday:
- 8:00 wake up and have a delightful little brunch at the nearest cafe
- 9:00-12:00 Spa/Massage treatment w/no happy ending
- 12:00-1:00 lunch at Pink's, unless a certain member of the party has been 86ed
- 1:00-6:00 gambling and living it up at the penny slot machines...who knows, we might even move up to the nickel slots if we're feeling really adventurous?
- 6:00-7:00 a nice dinner at a TBD restaurant
- 7:00-10:00...so fucking excited, just booked the last set of tickets available to go see "Mamma Mia"
- 10:00 drop Paul off at a teh ghey bar, while the rest of us call it a night, as we are gonna have a long drive ahead of us the next day
Sunday:
- Wake up, have breakfast, maybe watch the Hockey Game if the US is in it, and then head back to So Cal and our lovely mothers, and significant others.
Friday Night:
- 6:30 plane lands in Vegas
- 7:00 arrive at Planet Hollywood, get settled
- 7:10 go to the nearest vending machine, and clean them out of Diet Cokes
- 7:20-11:00 discuss our feelings while drinking our virgin scotch and sodas
- 11:00 go to bed
Saturday:
- 8:00 wake up and have a delightful little brunch at the nearest cafe
- 9:00-12:00 Spa/Massage treatment w/no happy ending
- 12:00-1:00 lunch at Pink's, unless a certain member of the party has been 86ed
- 1:00-6:00 gambling and living it up at the penny slot machines...who knows, we might even move up to the nickel slots if we're feeling really adventurous?
- 6:00-7:00 a nice dinner at a TBD restaurant
- 7:00-10:00...so fucking excited, just booked the last set of tickets available to go see "Mamma Mia"
- 10:00 drop Paul off at a teh ghey bar, while the rest of us call it a night, as we are gonna have a long drive ahead of us the next day
Sunday:
- Wake up, have breakfast, maybe watch the Hockey Game if the US is in it, and then head back to So Cal and our lovely mothers, and significant others.
Monday, February 22, 2010
30 Teams in 30 Days: Baltimore Orioles
Projected Lineup:
1. Brian Roberts 2B
2. Adam Jones CF
3. Nick Markakis RF
4. Miguel Tejada 3B
5. Matt Wieters C
6. Luke Scott DH
7. Nolan Reimold LF
8. Garrett Atkins 1B
9. Cesar Izturis SS
Starting Rotation: Kevin Millwood, Jeremy Guthrie, Brad Bergesen, Brian Matusz, Chris Tillman
Closer: Mike Gonzalez
What I Like:
- A LOT: Aside from the Dodgers obviously, this is the team that I'm most excited to watch this season. They have an embarrassment of riches in terms of very young very high upside talent.
- BRob and Adam Jones are a very nice 1-2 at the top of the lineup, and could both score 100 runs with ease. Jones was on his way to having an Evan Longoria type breakout year, until 2nd half injuries derailed those chances.
- Behind them are Nick Markakis who needs to rebound from a subpar '09 season, veteran Miguel Tejada, and two breakout stars in the making in Matt Wieters, and one of a guy I love for fantasy baseball purposes Nolan Reimold who will give you decent production in all 5 categories.
- I like Kevin Millwood who is a reliable front-line starter, but the back 3 guys are going to be the key to this team. Bergesen had a very respectable '09 season, but Matusz and Tillman both have the talent to be aces one day. It probably won't be this year, but it will be fun to watch them develop, and Orioles fans should be excited as good times are coming, and coming soon.
What I dislike:
- For starters, the obvious, they play in the AL East, which means 18 games against the Rays and the 50 best players that money can buy. Matusz and Tillman will face a sharp learning curve facing 3 amazingly loaded lineups
- The bullpen is still a mess. Mike Gonzalez is a jam waiting to happen, and there are no reliable arms in middle relief. You can expect the organization not to put too heavy a burden on their young starters, meaning this team is going to blow a lot of games late.
- The offense must be more consistent than last year. They had super hot streaks, then just died for 2 week periods at a time.
- Most importantly, this is still a very young team, and while their upside is immensely high, this team is still 2-3 years away from being a contender. Roberts is probably the only player who is in the prime of his career, and this team will suffer a couple long losing streaks that will do them in. Still, I really love this team, and if they can endure the tough times, keep battling, and their young guys even come close to reaching their potential, .500 is not out of the question
Projection: 4th in the AL East 75-87
1. Brian Roberts 2B
2. Adam Jones CF
3. Nick Markakis RF
4. Miguel Tejada 3B
5. Matt Wieters C
6. Luke Scott DH
7. Nolan Reimold LF
8. Garrett Atkins 1B
9. Cesar Izturis SS
Starting Rotation: Kevin Millwood, Jeremy Guthrie, Brad Bergesen, Brian Matusz, Chris Tillman
Closer: Mike Gonzalez
What I Like:
- A LOT: Aside from the Dodgers obviously, this is the team that I'm most excited to watch this season. They have an embarrassment of riches in terms of very young very high upside talent.
- BRob and Adam Jones are a very nice 1-2 at the top of the lineup, and could both score 100 runs with ease. Jones was on his way to having an Evan Longoria type breakout year, until 2nd half injuries derailed those chances.
- Behind them are Nick Markakis who needs to rebound from a subpar '09 season, veteran Miguel Tejada, and two breakout stars in the making in Matt Wieters, and one of a guy I love for fantasy baseball purposes Nolan Reimold who will give you decent production in all 5 categories.
- I like Kevin Millwood who is a reliable front-line starter, but the back 3 guys are going to be the key to this team. Bergesen had a very respectable '09 season, but Matusz and Tillman both have the talent to be aces one day. It probably won't be this year, but it will be fun to watch them develop, and Orioles fans should be excited as good times are coming, and coming soon.
What I dislike:
- For starters, the obvious, they play in the AL East, which means 18 games against the Rays and the 50 best players that money can buy. Matusz and Tillman will face a sharp learning curve facing 3 amazingly loaded lineups
- The bullpen is still a mess. Mike Gonzalez is a jam waiting to happen, and there are no reliable arms in middle relief. You can expect the organization not to put too heavy a burden on their young starters, meaning this team is going to blow a lot of games late.
- The offense must be more consistent than last year. They had super hot streaks, then just died for 2 week periods at a time.
- Most importantly, this is still a very young team, and while their upside is immensely high, this team is still 2-3 years away from being a contender. Roberts is probably the only player who is in the prime of his career, and this team will suffer a couple long losing streaks that will do them in. Still, I really love this team, and if they can endure the tough times, keep battling, and their young guys even come close to reaching their potential, .500 is not out of the question
Projection: 4th in the AL East 75-87
Sunday, February 21, 2010
30 Teams in 30 Days: Atlanta Braves
Projected Lineup
1. Nate McLouth CF
2. Yunel Escobar SS
3. Chipper Jones 3B
4. Brian McCann C
5. Troy Glaus 1B
6. Martin Prado 2B
7. Melky Cabrera LF
8. Matt Diaz/Jason Heyward RF
Starting Rotation: Derek Lowe, Jair Jurrjens, Tommy Hanson, Tim Hudson, Kenshin Kawakami
Closer: Billy Wagner, with spot saves to Takashi Saito
What I like:
- For Atlanta, like always it begins and ends with starting pitching, and this year's staff is one of the sickest most underrated ones in baseball. Anchored by wily reliable veteran Derek Lowe, and up and coming stud Jair Jurrjens, the Braves SP is as deep as they come.
- But the real stud of the staff is going to be sophomore Tommy Hanson, who electrified the fantasy world in his rookie campaign, going 11-4, with a sub 3 ERA, and 116 K's in only 127 innings pitched. Hanson's stuff is electric, and when he is on his game, he's unhittable. Hanson will provide you with tremendous mid-round fantasy value, and I'd be willing to reach a round early if necessary to snag him.
- Atlanta's lineup, while lacking a monster threat, is fairly balanced from top to bottom. Look for Nate McLouth to rebound from a disappointing '09 campaign, and Yunel Escobar to continue being one of the more underrated SS in the game. Atlanta also possesses the #1 prospect in the land OF Jason Heyward who has drawn many comparisons to Ryan Howard. If he earns a starting job, he has ROY potential written all over him, with a high contact rate, and tremendous power (could be this year's Longoria...not going to say Braun, because Braun's rookie year was a once-in-a-lifetime season)
What I dislike:
- While Atlanta has a very good mix of veterans, and young talent with high upside, they are lacking players who are in the prime of their careers, the guys who carry your team.
- Their lineup doesn't have any weak links, but doesn't have any particularly strong ones either. Chipper is old, and is a lock to miss at least 30 or so games as he always does, and ATL doesn't have a big power bat, or any big speed threats (McLouth led them with 19 SB last year). They are going to have to score runs by stringing a bunch of hits together, which inevitably will lead to plenty of close losses.
- Their bullpen has the potential to be strong, with the Wagner/Saito mix, and young stud Kris Medlen in the middle, but both are injury risks, and don't inspire a ton of confidence in me.
Prognosis: Atlanta's starting pitching is too strong and too deep for this to be a losing ballclub. Tim Hudson is the wildcard, but if he stays healthy, this has the potential to be a very good team, despite their flaws. While they aren't going to compete with the Phillies, they should stay in the Wild Card race up until the last week or two, where they will eventually fall short.
88-74 2nd in the NL East
1. Nate McLouth CF
2. Yunel Escobar SS
3. Chipper Jones 3B
4. Brian McCann C
5. Troy Glaus 1B
6. Martin Prado 2B
7. Melky Cabrera LF
8. Matt Diaz/Jason Heyward RF
Starting Rotation: Derek Lowe, Jair Jurrjens, Tommy Hanson, Tim Hudson, Kenshin Kawakami
Closer: Billy Wagner, with spot saves to Takashi Saito
What I like:
- For Atlanta, like always it begins and ends with starting pitching, and this year's staff is one of the sickest most underrated ones in baseball. Anchored by wily reliable veteran Derek Lowe, and up and coming stud Jair Jurrjens, the Braves SP is as deep as they come.
- But the real stud of the staff is going to be sophomore Tommy Hanson, who electrified the fantasy world in his rookie campaign, going 11-4, with a sub 3 ERA, and 116 K's in only 127 innings pitched. Hanson's stuff is electric, and when he is on his game, he's unhittable. Hanson will provide you with tremendous mid-round fantasy value, and I'd be willing to reach a round early if necessary to snag him.
- Atlanta's lineup, while lacking a monster threat, is fairly balanced from top to bottom. Look for Nate McLouth to rebound from a disappointing '09 campaign, and Yunel Escobar to continue being one of the more underrated SS in the game. Atlanta also possesses the #1 prospect in the land OF Jason Heyward who has drawn many comparisons to Ryan Howard. If he earns a starting job, he has ROY potential written all over him, with a high contact rate, and tremendous power (could be this year's Longoria...not going to say Braun, because Braun's rookie year was a once-in-a-lifetime season)
What I dislike:
- While Atlanta has a very good mix of veterans, and young talent with high upside, they are lacking players who are in the prime of their careers, the guys who carry your team.
- Their lineup doesn't have any weak links, but doesn't have any particularly strong ones either. Chipper is old, and is a lock to miss at least 30 or so games as he always does, and ATL doesn't have a big power bat, or any big speed threats (McLouth led them with 19 SB last year). They are going to have to score runs by stringing a bunch of hits together, which inevitably will lead to plenty of close losses.
- Their bullpen has the potential to be strong, with the Wagner/Saito mix, and young stud Kris Medlen in the middle, but both are injury risks, and don't inspire a ton of confidence in me.
Prognosis: Atlanta's starting pitching is too strong and too deep for this to be a losing ballclub. Tim Hudson is the wildcard, but if he stays healthy, this has the potential to be a very good team, despite their flaws. While they aren't going to compete with the Phillies, they should stay in the Wild Card race up until the last week or two, where they will eventually fall short.
88-74 2nd in the NL East
Random Notes
- The Soundtrack to "Shutter Island" is disturbingly, and hauntingly awesome: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0r2Ht7LvTnc
- Facebook is like 10 billion times better than Twitter
- Women cheat at board games
- LOL Women just in general principal
- I still can't believe the luge/bobsled teams travel at 80-100 mph in their little MOTORLESS vehicles...absolutely astonishing
- I have a newfound respect for all competitors in the Winter Olympics...the balls that it must take to partake in said events + the insanely high level of control that you have to have over your body to win these events= you are all super fucking awesome
- I wish that it would rain every single day from now until Opening Day
- This weekend, I met the woman that I am going to marry...solid 4 tool Woman, all that I have to do is convince her to dump the guy who got her a $20 billion engagement ring that is bigger than most small islands, for the degnerate fucking prick asshole that is myself.
- Facebook is like 10 billion times better than Twitter
- Women cheat at board games
- LOL Women just in general principal
- I still can't believe the luge/bobsled teams travel at 80-100 mph in their little MOTORLESS vehicles...absolutely astonishing
- I have a newfound respect for all competitors in the Winter Olympics...the balls that it must take to partake in said events + the insanely high level of control that you have to have over your body to win these events= you are all super fucking awesome
- I wish that it would rain every single day from now until Opening Day
- This weekend, I met the woman that I am going to marry...solid 4 tool Woman, all that I have to do is convince her to dump the guy who got her a $20 billion engagement ring that is bigger than most small islands, for the degnerate fucking prick asshole that is myself.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
A Movie Review: "Shutter Island"
I'm abandoning the bullet points treatment for this review, because this film deserves better than that. I'm also going to do my best not to spoil the movie, but inevitably minor spoilers might ooze their way through. The main premise of the film entails two U.S. Marshals investigating the disappearance of a female patient from Shutter Island, a mental health facility for the most dangerous criminals in the country. Once they arrive, the weather goes to shit, and all hell breaks loose, as things are not quite as they seem.
Alright, that's enough of a set-up, now let me say: I really really enjoyed this movie, and while it did drag at parts, it was thoroughly entertaining, and for the most part, kept me on the edge of my seat. Given one's cliched ideas about these types of movies, this could have been a really terrible slasher type flick, had it been directed by Rob Zombie, and starred some fucktard from "Jersey Shore" and the recent runner-up from American Idol. Alas, this Scorcese/DiCaprio collaboration, and for two and a half hours, encaptures you within the world that they have created, using dreams to help advance the storyline, adding to the sense of confusion, and constantly causing yourself to doubt what you previously believed to be true.
"Shutter Island" is not particularly "scary", or at least not as much as I expected, or the trailers would suggest, but it is definitely creepy as hell, all set up by the camerawork, and the visuals, which are unrelenting in their gloominess and capturing the seclusion from the outside world. Additionally there are a few scenes, which strike fear into the audience without a gun being fired, or an axe being wielded. Scorcese is able to capture fear, and pull you into his sick world, and fuck with your mind just as the characters in the film are suffering. Ultimately, just like the last Scorcese/DiCaprio collaboration "The Departed", this film is about deception, and the struggle to understand and capture the truth. The films forces you to put your thinking caps on, and is unrelenting in destroying your preconceived notions about truth and reality. While not perfect in its editing, and somewhat ill-paced, "Shutter Island" is a fantastic film that will take your mind and severely fuck with it, up until the final frame. It's the type of movie that you have to see again, and will be thinking about, discussing, and will stay with you long after the film.
Grade: A-
Alright, that's enough of a set-up, now let me say: I really really enjoyed this movie, and while it did drag at parts, it was thoroughly entertaining, and for the most part, kept me on the edge of my seat. Given one's cliched ideas about these types of movies, this could have been a really terrible slasher type flick, had it been directed by Rob Zombie, and starred some fucktard from "Jersey Shore" and the recent runner-up from American Idol. Alas, this Scorcese/DiCaprio collaboration, and for two and a half hours, encaptures you within the world that they have created, using dreams to help advance the storyline, adding to the sense of confusion, and constantly causing yourself to doubt what you previously believed to be true.
"Shutter Island" is not particularly "scary", or at least not as much as I expected, or the trailers would suggest, but it is definitely creepy as hell, all set up by the camerawork, and the visuals, which are unrelenting in their gloominess and capturing the seclusion from the outside world. Additionally there are a few scenes, which strike fear into the audience without a gun being fired, or an axe being wielded. Scorcese is able to capture fear, and pull you into his sick world, and fuck with your mind just as the characters in the film are suffering. Ultimately, just like the last Scorcese/DiCaprio collaboration "The Departed", this film is about deception, and the struggle to understand and capture the truth. The films forces you to put your thinking caps on, and is unrelenting in destroying your preconceived notions about truth and reality. While not perfect in its editing, and somewhat ill-paced, "Shutter Island" is a fantastic film that will take your mind and severely fuck with it, up until the final frame. It's the type of movie that you have to see again, and will be thinking about, discussing, and will stay with you long after the film.
Grade: A-
Friday, February 19, 2010
10 Sporting Events
that all sports fans should see in person before dying (in no particular order)
1. Yankees-Red Sox at Fenway
2. An MLB Playoff Game at Yankee Stadium
3. Cubs-Cardinals from the bleachers at Wrigley
4. North Carolina-Duke in Cameron Indoor
5. Cowboys-Any NFC East team at Cowboys Stadium
6. An NFL Playoff game at Lambeau Field
7. Texas-Oklahoma
8. USC-Notre Dame in South Bend
9. Michigan-Ohio State at either venue
10. ANY SEC Rivalry Game
1. Yankees-Red Sox at Fenway
2. An MLB Playoff Game at Yankee Stadium
3. Cubs-Cardinals from the bleachers at Wrigley
4. North Carolina-Duke in Cameron Indoor
5. Cowboys-Any NFC East team at Cowboys Stadium
6. An NFL Playoff game at Lambeau Field
7. Texas-Oklahoma
8. USC-Notre Dame in South Bend
9. Michigan-Ohio State at either venue
10. ANY SEC Rivalry Game
Thursday, February 18, 2010
30 Teams in 30 Days: Arizona Diamondbacks
I was going to wait until March, but I just couldn't wait any longer. Over the next 30 days, I'm going to breakdown all 30 MLB Clubs, though not necessarily one per day in alphabetical order, culminating with a crazy long post giving my full MLB breakdown, and where I see each team ending up.
Lineup
1. Stephen Drew SS
2. Conor Jackson LF
3. Justin Upton RF
4. Mark Reynolds 3B
5. Adam LaRoche 1B
6. Miguel Montero C
7. Chris Young CF
8. Kelly Johnson 2B
Starting Rotation: Dan Haren, Brandon Webb, Edwin Jackson, Ian Kennedy, Billy Buckner
Closer: Chad Qualls
What To Like:
- A healthy Brandon Webb
- Edwin Jackson pitching in an NL West littered with pitcher-friendly parks. Expect a sharp decrease in his HR rate, and perhaps another All-Star year from him.
- Justin Upton is one of the most complete players in the game, and has 30/30 written all over him.
- Mark Reynolds gives them a solid 40HR guy in the middle of the lineup
- Miguel Montero is a rising star at the Catcher position, and is poised for a breakout year in 2010
What Not to Like:
- Everything else about Mark Reynolds' game. Expect his average to drop from the .260 he posted last year, his defense is abhorrent, and he's still good for 200+ strikeouts a year
- The wasted talent that is Chris Young (the outfielder)
- LaRoche gives them a solid 3rd bat, but this isn't a lineup that's going to strike a lot of fear into opposing pitcher's hearts.
- THE BULLPEN: The Snakes' biggest problem in 2009 will continue on into 2010, as they posted a 4.61 ERA last year, costing countless wins for Danny Haren, and derailing their season.
Prognosis: Few teams in the majors have more question marks entering the season than Arizona, and while I think this team has the talent to compete in the NL West, I don't see that talent translating into on-field results. Without a true leadoff hitter, inconsistency throughout the lineup (most of them are feast/famine type guys), and with one of the worst pens in the game, I can't envision their strong starting pitching being able to carry them in a very tough NL West.
(75-87 4th in the NL West)
Lineup
1. Stephen Drew SS
2. Conor Jackson LF
3. Justin Upton RF
4. Mark Reynolds 3B
5. Adam LaRoche 1B
6. Miguel Montero C
7. Chris Young CF
8. Kelly Johnson 2B
Starting Rotation: Dan Haren, Brandon Webb, Edwin Jackson, Ian Kennedy, Billy Buckner
Closer: Chad Qualls
What To Like:
- A healthy Brandon Webb
- Edwin Jackson pitching in an NL West littered with pitcher-friendly parks. Expect a sharp decrease in his HR rate, and perhaps another All-Star year from him.
- Justin Upton is one of the most complete players in the game, and has 30/30 written all over him.
- Mark Reynolds gives them a solid 40HR guy in the middle of the lineup
- Miguel Montero is a rising star at the Catcher position, and is poised for a breakout year in 2010
What Not to Like:
- Everything else about Mark Reynolds' game. Expect his average to drop from the .260 he posted last year, his defense is abhorrent, and he's still good for 200+ strikeouts a year
- The wasted talent that is Chris Young (the outfielder)
- LaRoche gives them a solid 3rd bat, but this isn't a lineup that's going to strike a lot of fear into opposing pitcher's hearts.
- THE BULLPEN: The Snakes' biggest problem in 2009 will continue on into 2010, as they posted a 4.61 ERA last year, costing countless wins for Danny Haren, and derailing their season.
Prognosis: Few teams in the majors have more question marks entering the season than Arizona, and while I think this team has the talent to compete in the NL West, I don't see that talent translating into on-field results. Without a true leadoff hitter, inconsistency throughout the lineup (most of them are feast/famine type guys), and with one of the worst pens in the game, I can't envision their strong starting pitching being able to carry them in a very tough NL West.
(75-87 4th in the NL West)
I Want To
Blog about sports, but there's absolutely nothing fucking going on right now. I've never been a big Olympics guy, I tried to get back into hockey, but it didn't really work out, and as always lol basketball. I'm planning a 30 teams in 30 days expose on every MLB team starting March 1, as well as a full fantasy baseball breakdown, although I'm having 2nd thoughts about that, as several players in my "home" league read this blog, and I don't really want to reveal my thoughts and strategy even though I promised another reader that I would. Anyfuckingways, for the next couple of weeks, this blog will just be random fucking nonsense, because the sports world is sadly as dead as my pitiful love life.
Woman of the Day
Sarah Palin/Tina Fey: Famous for Running on the ill fated McCain/Palin '08 Presidential Ticket and the TV funny lady and "30 Rock" Star who played her to absolute perfection on SNL. Regardless of your politics, I doubt that anyone can dispute that Palin is the very definition of the word: MILF, and Fey is charming, hilarious, and has that sexy quiet librarian type look to her that the moderator finds so fucking hawt.
Movie Critics
Just perusing Rotten Tomatoes, and it just amazes me what passes for journalism these days. This can and frequently extends to the sports world, but more on that another day. Now, I'm not professing to be the world's expert on journalism, and critique/criticism, but I do know enough about journalism and writing to tell the people who know what they're doing from the hacks who fill their columns with epic garbage or bullshit that even they themselves can't believe just in the hope of "shocking" readers into reading their columns.
There's really no point to this rant, there's just a couple "critics" on RT whom it just astonishes me that they still have a job and are published on rotten. Reminds me of an episode of Monk where a critic reviewed a play, that he didn't actually see because he was out committing a murder, and anybody who read his column and saw the play knew that had to know that he wasn't really there. Doubt some of these critics really watch the movies they are reviewing. Once again, I'm no film expert, but I do know a masterpiece when I see one, and when I see these asshats getting paid to trash masterpieces, regardless of their motives, I get pissed the fuck off at them for their desperation to make a mark in the industry by "being different".
Being a great writer isn't about being different, or innovative, but about using what you've learned both in your writing career and your life experiences, to convey to your readers your true and honest opinions. Now while said opinions may not always be "right" or popular, honesty can always be appreciated and respected.
There's really no point to this rant, there's just a couple "critics" on RT whom it just astonishes me that they still have a job and are published on rotten. Reminds me of an episode of Monk where a critic reviewed a play, that he didn't actually see because he was out committing a murder, and anybody who read his column and saw the play knew that had to know that he wasn't really there. Doubt some of these critics really watch the movies they are reviewing. Once again, I'm no film expert, but I do know a masterpiece when I see one, and when I see these asshats getting paid to trash masterpieces, regardless of their motives, I get pissed the fuck off at them for their desperation to make a mark in the industry by "being different".
Being a great writer isn't about being different, or innovative, but about using what you've learned both in your writing career and your life experiences, to convey to your readers your true and honest opinions. Now while said opinions may not always be "right" or popular, honesty can always be appreciated and respected.
Word of the Day
Twitardation (noun). American English. circa 2000 whenever the fuck the first movie was made: A serious life-threatening medical condition suffered by obsessive fans of the "Twilight" movies, almost invariably women and homosexual males that causes them to literally envision themselves as characters in the movie, lust for non human creatures, and use "Twilight" themes as a metaphor and framing device for every conversation they engage in. The only cure for twitardation is for the subject to watch the Die Hard Trilogy (the 4th one can be left out) in sequential order to remind them that these fairy tale creatures are a bunch of fags, and that their homo "powers" are no match for a good ole fashioned machine gun.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
One Man's Observations About Women
Alright, in my time here on Earth, I have made many mistakes in conversing with females, and watched my fellow man make even worse mistakes with women. Here are some general observations I've made, although be forewarned, that you are bound to get yelled at/your ass chewed out/slapped/worse for just about anything you say and do.
- They really don't like to be called fat, either explicitly or implicitly
- They interpret everything that you say as "calling them fat"....ex) Man: "What do you want me to pick you up for dinner sweetie?" Woman: "Are you trying to call me fat?"
- The moderator's superpower= invisibility which kicks any time a hot woman comes within 20 feet of him. Hear that supervillains, if you want to kill me, you better not send Wonder Woman or CatWoman!
- Passive Aggression FTW!
- They're always nice and flirty with you, until you stop being their bitch, at which time they tell you about their boyfriend, whether real or made up who they just so happened to never mention before.
- Your function at family get togethers, is to hold her purse, and shut your mouth
- When they tell you to do something, they usually mean the opposite
- Except when they really want you to do what they tell you to do. Bottom line: When practical do exactly what they tell you to do, AND it's polar opposite, lol but then you'll just get your ass chewed out twice...2nd Bottom Line: When they tell you to do something, go drink a beer instead. You're going to get yelled at no matter what, just enjoy your time before the eruption.
- They seem to enjoy buying things just for the sake of buying things, even if said purchase is completely impractical
- Ice cream and frozen yogurt stores owe their lives to them
- Pairs of shoes owned = outfits owned
- As competitive as guys can be with each other at times, it's absolutely nothing like the competition that women have with each other. Just one fucking time, can I please be witness to a girl fight? Although knowing my luck, some dipshit fagtard will try and break it up.
- When they can't burn you for what you say, they burn you for "How you say it"...which is highly ironic for me, because the majority of time when I'm talking to women, I have no idea what the fuck I'm saying, much less "How I'm saying it"
- Ala the Mark and Brian gameshow, "You Just Can't Win"
- They really don't like to be called fat, either explicitly or implicitly
- They interpret everything that you say as "calling them fat"....ex) Man: "What do you want me to pick you up for dinner sweetie?" Woman: "Are you trying to call me fat?"
- The moderator's superpower= invisibility which kicks any time a hot woman comes within 20 feet of him. Hear that supervillains, if you want to kill me, you better not send Wonder Woman or CatWoman!
- Passive Aggression FTW!
- They're always nice and flirty with you, until you stop being their bitch, at which time they tell you about their boyfriend, whether real or made up who they just so happened to never mention before.
- Your function at family get togethers, is to hold her purse, and shut your mouth
- When they tell you to do something, they usually mean the opposite
- Except when they really want you to do what they tell you to do. Bottom line: When practical do exactly what they tell you to do, AND it's polar opposite, lol but then you'll just get your ass chewed out twice...2nd Bottom Line: When they tell you to do something, go drink a beer instead. You're going to get yelled at no matter what, just enjoy your time before the eruption.
- They seem to enjoy buying things just for the sake of buying things, even if said purchase is completely impractical
- Ice cream and frozen yogurt stores owe their lives to them
- Pairs of shoes owned = outfits owned
- As competitive as guys can be with each other at times, it's absolutely nothing like the competition that women have with each other. Just one fucking time, can I please be witness to a girl fight? Although knowing my luck, some dipshit fagtard will try and break it up.
- When they can't burn you for what you say, they burn you for "How you say it"...which is highly ironic for me, because the majority of time when I'm talking to women, I have no idea what the fuck I'm saying, much less "How I'm saying it"
- Ala the Mark and Brian gameshow, "You Just Can't Win"
I Doubt That...
friends, ugly chicks, or hawt chicks alike, I will ever engage in a conversation with a member of the female species that ends well. It just does not seem possible at this point. I believe that during one of my operations, the surgeons inserted a chip in my brain, whereas I auto say the worst possible thing to say at a given moment.
The Moderator
feels like a little kid on Christmas Day right now. I'm going through all my old baseball cards, which take up an entire crate (about 8 boxes, including 3 boxes of cards that have never even been opened, an a massive box with every card organized by team and alphabetized). Some solid finds so far:
- Autographed cards of: Willie Stargell, Bob Gibson, Yogi Berra, Frank Robinson, and Duke Snider...back story one summer when I was little if you ate enough boxes of crackers, ball park franks, etc. and sent in the UPC codes +$5 they gave you the cards, so naturally I pigged out on all said foods the entire summer. Only got half of the cards that I wanted, but a 60lb. kid can only eat so much food.
- Eric Karros Rookie Card
- Plaqued Mike Piazza Rookie Card...won it over an entire weekend of nonstop arcade game playing at MGM Grand Las Vegas
- Donruss 1991 All Star Cards...special cards made just for all-star game participants that year
- Special Limited Edition Dodgers Rookie of the Year Cards
I'm sure there are many many more to come...only been through like 1% of what I have...just so excited I had to blog. God I can't wait until April!
- Autographed cards of: Willie Stargell, Bob Gibson, Yogi Berra, Frank Robinson, and Duke Snider...back story one summer when I was little if you ate enough boxes of crackers, ball park franks, etc. and sent in the UPC codes +$5 they gave you the cards, so naturally I pigged out on all said foods the entire summer. Only got half of the cards that I wanted, but a 60lb. kid can only eat so much food.
- Eric Karros Rookie Card
- Plaqued Mike Piazza Rookie Card...won it over an entire weekend of nonstop arcade game playing at MGM Grand Las Vegas
- Donruss 1991 All Star Cards...special cards made just for all-star game participants that year
- Special Limited Edition Dodgers Rookie of the Year Cards
I'm sure there are many many more to come...only been through like 1% of what I have...just so excited I had to blog. God I can't wait until April!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Your Moderator
is currently experiencing many symptoms that are typically synonomous with being under the influence of alcohol. The worst headache in human history is almost sure to come to his dumbass in the near future. Please stay tuned for further details.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Wendy's
- First of all, if when hearing the name "Wendy", the first thing that you think about is Wendy Peffercorn, then well I like where your head's at. Squints should be an inspiration to every single straight male between the ages of 20 and 30.
- However, this post isn't about her, although she really does deserve her own post, but rather how awesome Wendy's fast food is. Their dollar menu is absolutely second to none, and the food is actually pretty good, giving you solid value.
- The new spicy chicken nuggets= phenomenal, fries aren't that bad, don't dig on the square hamburgers, but if you want a fast food burger, it's really In N Out or bust, and those shakes. Hot damn I love me those frostees. Could eat them all day.
- However, this post isn't about her, although she really does deserve her own post, but rather how awesome Wendy's fast food is. Their dollar menu is absolutely second to none, and the food is actually pretty good, giving you solid value.
- The new spicy chicken nuggets= phenomenal, fries aren't that bad, don't dig on the square hamburgers, but if you want a fast food burger, it's really In N Out or bust, and those shakes. Hot damn I love me those frostees. Could eat them all day.
Valentine's Day Gift Ideas
For Girls: Last minutes gift ideas= some full proof never can fail ideas include: build-a-bears, jewelry of any sort, mixed tapes, or surprise day trips/vacations. Very very very bad ideas= exercise tapes, a gym membership, clothes that are too big OR too small for her, giving her back the crappy gift she got you for Christmas that you forgot was given to you by her, or anything that has anything to do with either of your ex's.
For Guys:
- Good ideas: anything sports or sex related
- Bad ideas: Everything else
For Guys:
- Good ideas: anything sports or sex related
- Bad ideas: Everything else
New Man Laws
- It is never acceptable for a girl to smoke you in the fields of: driving, consuming beer, sports knowledge, or amount of time checking out the hot waitress
- Alright, I'll acquiesce, brunch is cool, but females still must be present. A group of guys going to brunch together, that's not cool.
- Snuggies or whatever those things are called: Not cool. If you own one, that's fine, but you must always deny ownership when confronted
- Blowing kisses for any reason, under any circumstance= teh ghey
- Pet nicknames for your significant other= teh ghey
- Having a wallet full of $1 bills= intelligent, and acceptable under ALL circumstances
- Alright, I'll acquiesce, brunch is cool, but females still must be present. A group of guys going to brunch together, that's not cool.
- Snuggies or whatever those things are called: Not cool. If you own one, that's fine, but you must always deny ownership when confronted
- Blowing kisses for any reason, under any circumstance= teh ghey
- Pet nicknames for your significant other= teh ghey
- Having a wallet full of $1 bills= intelligent, and acceptable under ALL circumstances
Random Shit That's Kind of Embarrassing
- Being so desperate for a Valentine's day date that you resort to online dating
- Still being unable to find said date
- Knowing the tune and most of the words to some really old Mariah Carey song when it randomly comes on the radio
- Having to have your check edited twice...totally not my fault but still super awkward
- Not knowing one's waist size (30 something)
- Not knowing one's shoe size (hey the hush puppies don't have the number on them...only time that's ever relevant is at the bowling alley)
- Being forced to take a bowl of rice with you to the men's room, in order to protect it from a food thief
- Going anywhere where food is served and/or clothes are sold with the moderator
- Still being unable to find said date
- Knowing the tune and most of the words to some really old Mariah Carey song when it randomly comes on the radio
- Having to have your check edited twice...totally not my fault but still super awkward
- Not knowing one's waist size (30 something)
- Not knowing one's shoe size (hey the hush puppies don't have the number on them...only time that's ever relevant is at the bowling alley)
- Being forced to take a bowl of rice with you to the men's room, in order to protect it from a food thief
- Going anywhere where food is served and/or clothes are sold with the moderator
The Moderator Strikes Back
My apologies for my lack of blogging the past couple of weeks. The sports world is just depressing right now, and I've been trying to make a good initial impression for my fantasy football website, so the blogging inspiration hasn't been there, but I've got my Crown Royal in front of me, about to set up a solid music shuffle for the evening, and will dedicate the next few hours to super awesomeness.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
It's Official
The next two months are going to be pure sports hell. March Madness is always fun to watch, maybe UCI or CSUF can make the tournament this year, that would be pretty awesome, but other than that, just nothing. Solid but not spectacular Super Bowl, of course I got my prediction completely backwards. The key in the game was in the 2nd quarter when Freeney seemed to aggravate the injury, and total disappearance of Mathis. Indy put pressure on Brees in the 1st quarter and dominated, but once their pass rush faultered, it was GG Indy as Brees picked their young and inexperienced secondary apart. Perfectly played game for this team of destiny, and loved the "play to win" mentality from Sean Payton both in going for it on 4th and 1, and the onside kick.
Minor Annoyances
- People who don't stop talking...EVER!
- Gift cards that expire
- The MF Envelope box for PM's on P5's
- People who are incapable of pressing their foot to the gas pedal
- People who have no idea how loud they are talking
- Missing multiple days of blogging
- Gift cards that expire
- The MF Envelope box for PM's on P5's
- People who are incapable of pressing their foot to the gas pedal
- People who have no idea how loud they are talking
- Missing multiple days of blogging
Monday, February 8, 2010
Check Out
My work at Fantasy Football Trader. I'm going to be writing player write-ups and occasional articles for this one-stop source for everything fantasy football related. Even if you don't play, its worth a read if you want to learn, or freshen up on your knowledge of players, transactions, and surely the Draft as April approaches.
http://www.fantasyfootballtrader.com/homepage.html
http://www.fantasyfootballtrader.com/homepage.html
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Super Sunday Prediction
- First off, Happy Super Sunday everybody! Hope you all have a safe, exciting, degenerate day! If you're driving, drive safe, but if not, as always Get Drunk and Get Laid!
Lets breakdown the teams first off for those of you who don't watch football too much. Refer to my "Football for Women" post for further questions.
Colts
- The Colts offense centers around all-world QB and if he wins this game, imo the greatest QB in NFL history Peyton Manning. They run a no-huddle hurry-up offense innovated by Jim Kelly's Bills in the 90's, but which has been perfected by Manning. The no-huddle makes it tough-impossible for defenses to make substitutions, and get their defense properly situated. Even when they do, Manning is a master at making the correct reads at the line of scrimmage, often calling out which players are assigned to blitz, and which are dropping into coverage on the play. Therefore, he frequently audibles, calling for plays that are designed to beat the defense the Saints are going to call.
- The Colts ranked dead last in the NFL this year, but by choice. They usually play out of the shotgun, and run former LSU Tiger Joseph Addai only enough to set-up play-action. Their offensive line is solid, playing fantastically against the Jets, and is anchored by perennial Pro Bowl Center Jeff Saturday. The Colts have plenty of weapons to throw to however, with former THE U guy Reggie Wayne being their #1 wideout, and TE Dallas Clark presenting huge matchup problems over the middle of any defense. WR's Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie have stepped up huge this year for the Colts, particularly in games where defenses have been dead-set on not letting Wayne and Clark beat them.
- Defensively, the Colts rely on an explosive pass rush led by DE's Robert Mathis and Dwight Freeney, with a very fast linebacking core that helps them shut down most teams' running games, including the Ravens and Jets, two of the best running teams in the game. They must get that strong pass rush, because their secondary plagued by injury this year, is very young and vulnerable, and has been burned by explosive pass offenses all year. PM Randy Moss and Brandon Marshall if you don't believe me.
- If the game comes down to kicking, placekicker Matt Stover is a very reliable veteran kicker with plenty of experience.
Saints
- Like the Colts, QB Drew Brees is the heart and soul of this team, who brings an unquestioned fiery leadership that has sparked the team and the entire community. Brees has plenty of weapons to throw to in Devery Henderson, Jeremy Shockey, Marques Colston, and late year standout Robert Meachem (Rocky Top!) to head the league's #1 passing offense.
- One of the problems for the Saints is that the strength of their offensive line is on the inside, headed by All-Pro Jahri Evans. Their Tackles have to perform better against Indy than they did against Minnesota, or you can expect a lot of 3 and outs again.
- Perhaps even more importantly, the Saints have to be able to run the football effectively , and maintain a balance to their offense that they have had all season. Their two-headed monster of Pierre Thomas, and the explosive triple threat Reggie Bush who also returns punts must be able to elude the Colts' quick linebackers, and force the Colts' safeties to come up a couple of steps and make plays, opening things up for the passing game. They need to keep their defense, and more importantly Manning off the field, and try and control the T.O.P.
- Defensively, the coaching staff of the Saints has said that they aren't good enough to stop teams without forcing turnovers. The Saints' D has given up mountains of yardage all season, but thrived on big plays especially turnovers. This was never more evident than in the NFC Championship game where Minnesota moved the ball at will, but was done in by five turnovers. Headed by Trojan Sedrick Ellis, linebacker and Haitian Jonathan Vilma, and All World safety Darren Sharper, the Saints have playmakers on all three levels, and will need to find a way to disguise their defenses, and somehow find a way to make Manning turn the ball over, or this game could get ugly.
The Prediction: Peyton picks the Saints' defense apart with the same combination of quick passes and deep strikes that he destroyed the Jets vaunted D with. Unlike the Vikings, the Colts protect the ball. Brees @ Co. struggle against Indy's pass rush, and falling behind and becoming one-dimensional they struggle to move the ball, and Indy rolls: 34-17.
Colts 34
Saints 17
Lets breakdown the teams first off for those of you who don't watch football too much. Refer to my "Football for Women" post for further questions.
Colts
- The Colts offense centers around all-world QB and if he wins this game, imo the greatest QB in NFL history Peyton Manning. They run a no-huddle hurry-up offense innovated by Jim Kelly's Bills in the 90's, but which has been perfected by Manning. The no-huddle makes it tough-impossible for defenses to make substitutions, and get their defense properly situated. Even when they do, Manning is a master at making the correct reads at the line of scrimmage, often calling out which players are assigned to blitz, and which are dropping into coverage on the play. Therefore, he frequently audibles, calling for plays that are designed to beat the defense the Saints are going to call.
- The Colts ranked dead last in the NFL this year, but by choice. They usually play out of the shotgun, and run former LSU Tiger Joseph Addai only enough to set-up play-action. Their offensive line is solid, playing fantastically against the Jets, and is anchored by perennial Pro Bowl Center Jeff Saturday. The Colts have plenty of weapons to throw to however, with former THE U guy Reggie Wayne being their #1 wideout, and TE Dallas Clark presenting huge matchup problems over the middle of any defense. WR's Pierre Garcon and Austin Collie have stepped up huge this year for the Colts, particularly in games where defenses have been dead-set on not letting Wayne and Clark beat them.
- Defensively, the Colts rely on an explosive pass rush led by DE's Robert Mathis and Dwight Freeney, with a very fast linebacking core that helps them shut down most teams' running games, including the Ravens and Jets, two of the best running teams in the game. They must get that strong pass rush, because their secondary plagued by injury this year, is very young and vulnerable, and has been burned by explosive pass offenses all year. PM Randy Moss and Brandon Marshall if you don't believe me.
- If the game comes down to kicking, placekicker Matt Stover is a very reliable veteran kicker with plenty of experience.
Saints
- Like the Colts, QB Drew Brees is the heart and soul of this team, who brings an unquestioned fiery leadership that has sparked the team and the entire community. Brees has plenty of weapons to throw to in Devery Henderson, Jeremy Shockey, Marques Colston, and late year standout Robert Meachem (Rocky Top!) to head the league's #1 passing offense.
- One of the problems for the Saints is that the strength of their offensive line is on the inside, headed by All-Pro Jahri Evans. Their Tackles have to perform better against Indy than they did against Minnesota, or you can expect a lot of 3 and outs again.
- Perhaps even more importantly, the Saints have to be able to run the football effectively , and maintain a balance to their offense that they have had all season. Their two-headed monster of Pierre Thomas, and the explosive triple threat Reggie Bush who also returns punts must be able to elude the Colts' quick linebackers, and force the Colts' safeties to come up a couple of steps and make plays, opening things up for the passing game. They need to keep their defense, and more importantly Manning off the field, and try and control the T.O.P.
- Defensively, the coaching staff of the Saints has said that they aren't good enough to stop teams without forcing turnovers. The Saints' D has given up mountains of yardage all season, but thrived on big plays especially turnovers. This was never more evident than in the NFC Championship game where Minnesota moved the ball at will, but was done in by five turnovers. Headed by Trojan Sedrick Ellis, linebacker and Haitian Jonathan Vilma, and All World safety Darren Sharper, the Saints have playmakers on all three levels, and will need to find a way to disguise their defenses, and somehow find a way to make Manning turn the ball over, or this game could get ugly.
The Prediction: Peyton picks the Saints' defense apart with the same combination of quick passes and deep strikes that he destroyed the Jets vaunted D with. Unlike the Vikings, the Colts protect the ball. Brees @ Co. struggle against Indy's pass rush, and falling behind and becoming one-dimensional they struggle to move the ball, and Indy rolls: 34-17.
Colts 34
Saints 17
Thursday, February 4, 2010
A Question About Different Languages
- Alright I can understand the concept about creating new words and maybe different expressions/ways to express yourself, but when it comes to the simplest/most basic words in language, i.e. simple prepositions, adjectives, verbs, who decided to create a different language for said words?
- Obviously there was one original language, way too lazy to look it up, and as mankind expanded different languages were created in different regions, but why? And why have so many different languages been created throughout human history?
- I can understand the idea behind different dialects, i.e. the difference between American English and British English, but to create an entirely different language with completely different bases just seems bizarre to me, but more importantly is the concept of why said differences came about?
- The more I think about this, the more it is driving me nuts, so if there are any linguistic experts out there, please comment, facebook, call, text me like right fucking now because this is bugging the shit out of me.
- Obviously there was one original language, way too lazy to look it up, and as mankind expanded different languages were created in different regions, but why? And why have so many different languages been created throughout human history?
- I can understand the idea behind different dialects, i.e. the difference between American English and British English, but to create an entirely different language with completely different bases just seems bizarre to me, but more importantly is the concept of why said differences came about?
- The more I think about this, the more it is driving me nuts, so if there are any linguistic experts out there, please comment, facebook, call, text me like right fucking now because this is bugging the shit out of me.
Well Played (WP)
- Mike Fisher (the Ottawa Senator...that's hockey ladies) the lucky mother fucker who's engaged to Carrie Underwood
- The guy who plays Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory...you outdid yourself this week, and Sheldon is quickly becoming one of the best characters on TV
- My bro Ryan for his promotion...sick job man
- My broette Hillary for being on restaurant picking FIRE
- JaMarcus Russell for convincing the Raiders to give you $68 million
- Ray Charles, just on general principal
- The guy who came up with the concept of criss-cut/curly fries....SOOOOO + EV
- Married Women
- The guy who plays Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory...you outdid yourself this week, and Sheldon is quickly becoming one of the best characters on TV
- My bro Ryan for his promotion...sick job man
- My broette Hillary for being on restaurant picking FIRE
- JaMarcus Russell for convincing the Raiders to give you $68 million
- Ray Charles, just on general principal
- The guy who came up with the concept of criss-cut/curly fries....SOOOOO + EV
- Married Women
Mirrors
- Has anyone ever really contemplated the concept of mirrors and how bizarre they are?
- I mean you are looking at a piece of glass that is reflecting back what's in front of it, usually your face. That just seems so unnatural that you can see your own face, definitely not how God intended it
- On a lighter note, mirrors in scary movies are always good for a solid scare, and should be used at least as a decoy at least once per scary movie
- I mean you are looking at a piece of glass that is reflecting back what's in front of it, usually your face. That just seems so unnatural that you can see your own face, definitely not how God intended it
- On a lighter note, mirrors in scary movies are always good for a solid scare, and should be used at least as a decoy at least once per scary movie
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Some Facebook Complaints
(1) The doppelganger game: Some of my facebook friends are so absolutely ridiculously conceited and full of themselves. A couple people have transcended the game and been very humorous with this, but those who took it "seriously" failed for the most part, well except for the chicks who are super hawt and actually do look as good as their celebrity counterparts.
(2) The urbandictionary name game: Only because all of them are nearly exactly the same. Don't care that people do it, only that urban dictionary seems to have little originality.
(3) The lack of drunk facebooking: I know there are plenty of facebook friends who drink as much or at least close to as much as I do, and given blackberries, Iphones, etc. its pretty damn easy to do so. Drunk facebooking really should be overtaking drunk dialing and yet its not.
(2) The urbandictionary name game: Only because all of them are nearly exactly the same. Don't care that people do it, only that urban dictionary seems to have little originality.
(3) The lack of drunk facebooking: I know there are plenty of facebook friends who drink as much or at least close to as much as I do, and given blackberries, Iphones, etc. its pretty damn easy to do so. Drunk facebooking really should be overtaking drunk dialing and yet its not.
Random Grossly Underrated Shit
- Cups
- Alarm Clocks/Timers
- Pillows...try sleeping without one
- Josh Johnson
- Felix Hernandez
- Adrian Gonzalez
- Kaley Cuoco
- Swivel Chairs
- Aaron Rodgers
- Pac-10 Football
- Redheads
- "True Romance"
- The Texas Rangers
- The Colorado Rockies
- Alarm Clocks/Timers
- Pillows...try sleeping without one
- Josh Johnson
- Felix Hernandez
- Adrian Gonzalez
- Kaley Cuoco
- Swivel Chairs
- Aaron Rodgers
- Pac-10 Football
- Redheads
- "True Romance"
- The Texas Rangers
- The Colorado Rockies
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Funny Drunk Stories
For the protection of all parties the names have been changed. The stories listed below may involve the moderator, readers, or people who have zero affiliation whatsoever with this blog. The what is what's important, not the who.
- Person A wakes up with the worst hangover in human history the night after person B's 21st birthday party. Person A's boxers are on over their pants, which he interprets as a good sign since the only thing he remembers was relentlessly hitting on all the single women at the party. After some brief dry heaving, he enters the living room which is a disaster zone. A bare minimum of 50 beer cans, 10+ bottles of liquor, food everywhere, and an uncountable number of spills permeate this once quaint common area. While beginning to clean up the uncleanable, he hears Person B puking his guts out, and person B continues to make the most gut-wrenching sounds for the next hour or so. Person A still has no idea how person B is still alive.
- On a limo drive home from a club and a heavy night of drinking, persons C and D fill an entire Vons Grocery Bag full of vomit. I mean all the way to the top.
- On person E's 21st birthday, person E was sick and not doing too well, and went outside. Person F attempted to aid person E, and make them feel better, at which person E for no reason whatsoever kicked person F in the nuts. Person F was not pleased.
- Persons G,H,I, and J consumed 13 sake bombs in 45 minutes. They then proceeded to walk to a nearby movie theatre, where person G mistakenly littered their popcorn with jalapeno sauce mistaking the dispenser for a butter dispenser. People who know person G know how much jalapeno sauce was in that popcorn. That popcorn did NOT taste good says person G, but the nonetheless the popcorn was still finished.
- Persons K and L were watching an episode of "24". Person L challenged person K to do a shot for every on-screen death. 40 minutes and 12 shots later, person K was on the floor, unable to move, drunk dialing every person in their phone book, bragging about the impressive feat.
- During a night of JAEGERBOMBS! Person M had to go to the restroom. When person M entered the restroom, they saw persons N and O lying next to each other face down on the floor. Person M really regrets not taking a picture of persons N and O.
- Person P is drunk as fuck walking down the Vegas strip with all their friends. Person P is taking every single "stripper/hooker" card in sight, and debating whether or not to call a chick that he is infatuated with, but has no chance with. Person P's friends implore him not to, but person P proceeds to "interview" every person he encounters Jay Leno Jaywalking style to answer the question. The people who say "No" get a "You don't know shit" reply from person P, but the people who say yes get high fives, fist bumps, and "I like the way you roll mother fuckers" as a response.
- Person A wakes up with the worst hangover in human history the night after person B's 21st birthday party. Person A's boxers are on over their pants, which he interprets as a good sign since the only thing he remembers was relentlessly hitting on all the single women at the party. After some brief dry heaving, he enters the living room which is a disaster zone. A bare minimum of 50 beer cans, 10+ bottles of liquor, food everywhere, and an uncountable number of spills permeate this once quaint common area. While beginning to clean up the uncleanable, he hears Person B puking his guts out, and person B continues to make the most gut-wrenching sounds for the next hour or so. Person A still has no idea how person B is still alive.
- On a limo drive home from a club and a heavy night of drinking, persons C and D fill an entire Vons Grocery Bag full of vomit. I mean all the way to the top.
- On person E's 21st birthday, person E was sick and not doing too well, and went outside. Person F attempted to aid person E, and make them feel better, at which person E for no reason whatsoever kicked person F in the nuts. Person F was not pleased.
- Persons G,H,I, and J consumed 13 sake bombs in 45 minutes. They then proceeded to walk to a nearby movie theatre, where person G mistakenly littered their popcorn with jalapeno sauce mistaking the dispenser for a butter dispenser. People who know person G know how much jalapeno sauce was in that popcorn. That popcorn did NOT taste good says person G, but the nonetheless the popcorn was still finished.
- Persons K and L were watching an episode of "24". Person L challenged person K to do a shot for every on-screen death. 40 minutes and 12 shots later, person K was on the floor, unable to move, drunk dialing every person in their phone book, bragging about the impressive feat.
- During a night of JAEGERBOMBS! Person M had to go to the restroom. When person M entered the restroom, they saw persons N and O lying next to each other face down on the floor. Person M really regrets not taking a picture of persons N and O.
- Person P is drunk as fuck walking down the Vegas strip with all their friends. Person P is taking every single "stripper/hooker" card in sight, and debating whether or not to call a chick that he is infatuated with, but has no chance with. Person P's friends implore him not to, but person P proceeds to "interview" every person he encounters Jay Leno Jaywalking style to answer the question. The people who say "No" get a "You don't know shit" reply from person P, but the people who say yes get high fives, fist bumps, and "I like the way you roll mother fuckers" as a response.
The Moderator's First Crush
Prologue: I know how much some of you like my little stories, and I haven't written one of them in a while, so I figured I would entertain you all with a story that I've actually never told anybody in full detail, at least I think.
Let me take you back to a long time ago, in what seems like a galaxy far far away, even though it's only a few blocks from my current location. It is the 5th grade at Leffingwell Elementary School, and something you need to know about 5th grade marc1313, is that he was actually pretty cool. He was friends with or at least got along with everybody male and female, while still managing not to be a douche.
So on the first day of 5th grade there was this new girl, alright none of you who she is, so I'm comfortable saying that her name was Jill catches my eye. I had had girls that I had had little schoolyard rivalries with and little crushes on, but this was day was the birth of the marc1313 that you all know today who like insta falls in love with chicks. On that first day of school, I didn't know at the time, but deep down I kind of knew that this girl would be the focal point of my social school year, and boy was I right.
For reasons that are completely irrelevant to the story I was transferred to a different classroom later that week, I don't even remember why, but I was really bummed (a) this eliminated opportunities to talk to Jill and (b) The teacher I originally had was hawt, and even at 11 years old, I remember anxiously looking forward to 5th grade just to have this teacher. But that's beside the point, I had to find new ways to get to know Jill. Well the next part will come as a major major surprise to pretty much everybody who knows the moderator, but for the rest of the year, my best friends were Jill and her two best girlfriends. While I still hung out with my guy friends sometimes, the majority of recesses/lunch times were spent hanging out with them. Even more amazingly was the fact that I maintained a coolness and collectiveness at all times, and they always allowed me to hang with them. We still played sports, and were active, it wasn't like we sat around talking about our feelings, which would make me teh uber ghey.
As the year goes on, whenever there is a holiday or any sort of special occasion, I remember putting together little mini gifts for her, just little girly stocking stuff type things except for girls. Yea I was a pimp, even walked her home a couple times, but nothing ever really happened. Eventually my crush on her went away, and at one point I even had a thing for one of her friends, who for much of that year was my bff.
Quick Aside: Alright so just realized that I wasn't born with an incompetence around women, it's something that has developed over time, although I think that the tide is turning.
Anyways, so we went to middle school together, but we never really talked. There wasn't any feeling of uncomfort, but we just kind of went our separate ways, although at one point she did mention that she still had all the little gifts that I gave her. HOLY FUCK: As I'm typing this I just realized for the first time ever that that just might have been some of a clue. Or was it? HELP (AYUDA ME) female readers, I never really know what the fuck chicks mean when they say things. Hmm...well either way I have not seen her since, so I guess the point is moot, although I would like to know the answer to said question still.
Epilogue: I friended her on myspace a few years ago, and found out that she already has a few kids, so I guess I really dodged a bullet there. This story wasn't meant to be a sad depressing story like well all of my other women stories, so I hope it didn't come off that way. Just a nice little change of pace for the blog.
Let me take you back to a long time ago, in what seems like a galaxy far far away, even though it's only a few blocks from my current location. It is the 5th grade at Leffingwell Elementary School, and something you need to know about 5th grade marc1313, is that he was actually pretty cool. He was friends with or at least got along with everybody male and female, while still managing not to be a douche.
So on the first day of 5th grade there was this new girl, alright none of you who she is, so I'm comfortable saying that her name was Jill catches my eye. I had had girls that I had had little schoolyard rivalries with and little crushes on, but this was day was the birth of the marc1313 that you all know today who like insta falls in love with chicks. On that first day of school, I didn't know at the time, but deep down I kind of knew that this girl would be the focal point of my social school year, and boy was I right.
For reasons that are completely irrelevant to the story I was transferred to a different classroom later that week, I don't even remember why, but I was really bummed (a) this eliminated opportunities to talk to Jill and (b) The teacher I originally had was hawt, and even at 11 years old, I remember anxiously looking forward to 5th grade just to have this teacher. But that's beside the point, I had to find new ways to get to know Jill. Well the next part will come as a major major surprise to pretty much everybody who knows the moderator, but for the rest of the year, my best friends were Jill and her two best girlfriends. While I still hung out with my guy friends sometimes, the majority of recesses/lunch times were spent hanging out with them. Even more amazingly was the fact that I maintained a coolness and collectiveness at all times, and they always allowed me to hang with them. We still played sports, and were active, it wasn't like we sat around talking about our feelings, which would make me teh uber ghey.
As the year goes on, whenever there is a holiday or any sort of special occasion, I remember putting together little mini gifts for her, just little girly stocking stuff type things except for girls. Yea I was a pimp, even walked her home a couple times, but nothing ever really happened. Eventually my crush on her went away, and at one point I even had a thing for one of her friends, who for much of that year was my bff.
Quick Aside: Alright so just realized that I wasn't born with an incompetence around women, it's something that has developed over time, although I think that the tide is turning.
Anyways, so we went to middle school together, but we never really talked. There wasn't any feeling of uncomfort, but we just kind of went our separate ways, although at one point she did mention that she still had all the little gifts that I gave her. HOLY FUCK: As I'm typing this I just realized for the first time ever that that just might have been some of a clue. Or was it? HELP (AYUDA ME) female readers, I never really know what the fuck chicks mean when they say things. Hmm...well either way I have not seen her since, so I guess the point is moot, although I would like to know the answer to said question still.
Epilogue: I friended her on myspace a few years ago, and found out that she already has a few kids, so I guess I really dodged a bullet there. This story wasn't meant to be a sad depressing story like well all of my other women stories, so I hope it didn't come off that way. Just a nice little change of pace for the blog.
The Womens Decathalon
Ladies: Do you have an enemy/rival who's a total bitch and do you each just want to show the other that you're more of a girls girl. Well here's the perfect way to find out. No you pervs reading this, I'm not going to include anything remotely sexual because women should always be treated with respect, and I'm totally against objectifying them.
Event 1: "Get ready to go out"...whoever takes longer wins
Event 2: Read the opening to this post out loud. Whoever finishes first, wins. I'm setting the O/U (Over/Under) for the winner's time at 0.04 seconds, unless there's a Gilmore Girl involved, in which case the O/U needs to be set at 0.00 seconds, and I'd still probably take the under.
Event 3: Have a third party choose a random topic, and whoever can find more different ways to complain about said topic wins.
Event 4: Go up to a random guy at a bar and "flirt" with him, then excuse yourself and go to the restroom. Whichever guy looks more confused after said conversation wins.
Event 5: GIRL FIGHT! Alright I couldn't resist, they're just too awesome. Ohh and by the way, whichever guy breaks up the fight, INSTA loses the Mens Decathalon, along with his man card, and the right to call himself straight.
Event 6: On pure looks alone, rate the moderator on a scale from 1-10. Whoever's number is lower wins.
Event 7: Both parties must enter a room with a controlled temperature simultaneously with the beginning temperature at 100degrees. Slowly drop the temperature one degree at a time, and whoever whines about being cold first, wins. O/U 95 degrees.
Event 8: Both parties drive on one of those driver's ed tracks with all the cones on them. Whoever knocks over more cones wins.
Event 9: Play an old clip of Jon Garland pitching to Joe Mauer. The first one to make a baseball related comment loses.
Event 10: Have both women get married on the same day. Whoever's husband admits to one of his bros man-to-man, with no women around, that "I'm not a man, I'm "insert wife's name's" bitch" wins.
Tiebreaker: One night out of the town. Most "woos" ships the title.
Event 1: "Get ready to go out"...whoever takes longer wins
Event 2: Read the opening to this post out loud. Whoever finishes first, wins. I'm setting the O/U (Over/Under) for the winner's time at 0.04 seconds, unless there's a Gilmore Girl involved, in which case the O/U needs to be set at 0.00 seconds, and I'd still probably take the under.
Event 3: Have a third party choose a random topic, and whoever can find more different ways to complain about said topic wins.
Event 4: Go up to a random guy at a bar and "flirt" with him, then excuse yourself and go to the restroom. Whichever guy looks more confused after said conversation wins.
Event 5: GIRL FIGHT! Alright I couldn't resist, they're just too awesome. Ohh and by the way, whichever guy breaks up the fight, INSTA loses the Mens Decathalon, along with his man card, and the right to call himself straight.
Event 6: On pure looks alone, rate the moderator on a scale from 1-10. Whoever's number is lower wins.
Event 7: Both parties must enter a room with a controlled temperature simultaneously with the beginning temperature at 100degrees. Slowly drop the temperature one degree at a time, and whoever whines about being cold first, wins. O/U 95 degrees.
Event 8: Both parties drive on one of those driver's ed tracks with all the cones on them. Whoever knocks over more cones wins.
Event 9: Play an old clip of Jon Garland pitching to Joe Mauer. The first one to make a baseball related comment loses.
Event 10: Have both women get married on the same day. Whoever's husband admits to one of his bros man-to-man, with no women around, that "I'm not a man, I'm "insert wife's name's" bitch" wins.
Tiebreaker: One night out of the town. Most "woos" ships the title.
The Mens Decathalon
You and a bro having an argument about who's more of a man? Are you a chick with two possible suitors? Here's a simple 10 game challenge to determine who is more of a man. 10 Events, one day, no bitching out, man the fuck up and take this bish down!
Event 1: Beer Pong
Event 2: HORSE
Event 3: Sports Trivia
Event 4: 18 Holes of Golf, Walking of Course
Event 5: Arm Wrestling
Event 6: Heads Up Game of Halo, Goldeneye, or Duck Hunt
Event 7: Heads Up Poker Game
Event 8: Chicken
Event 9: Boxing
Event 10: Shot for Shot...last man standing wins obv.
Tiebreaker: Once the event 10 loser is standing, a good old fashioned street fight. No rules, no regulations, just beat the shit out of each other until only one man is left standing.
Event 1: Beer Pong
Event 2: HORSE
Event 3: Sports Trivia
Event 4: 18 Holes of Golf, Walking of Course
Event 5: Arm Wrestling
Event 6: Heads Up Game of Halo, Goldeneye, or Duck Hunt
Event 7: Heads Up Poker Game
Event 8: Chicken
Event 9: Boxing
Event 10: Shot for Shot...last man standing wins obv.
Tiebreaker: Once the event 10 loser is standing, a good old fashioned street fight. No rules, no regulations, just beat the shit out of each other until only one man is left standing.
The Moderator
would like to officially rescind every negative thing that he has ever said about brunch. Brunch is indeed cool, chicken picatta is cooler, and super hawt waitresses are the coolest. Congrats again bro, and great pick Woman!
BRO/BROETTE TEST
You know you've moved beyond friend status, and achieved bro or broette (females) status when:
- I call you "bro" or "brah" lDO
- Neither of us ever refer to each other by our Christian names
- I've drunk dialed you multiple times in one night
- You've drunk dialed me multiple times in one night
- You read my blog
- Your parents know about all of my "alleged" drunken exploits
- My Civic is like a 2nd car to you
- Your family is like a 2nd family to me
- I've called you the "C" word
- You and I have our own "fist bump" dealio and/or we're too cool for fist bumps, and the simple head nod is acceptable
- We go to a restaurant and you can basically "order for me"
- I call you "bro" or "brah" lDO
- Neither of us ever refer to each other by our Christian names
- I've drunk dialed you multiple times in one night
- You've drunk dialed me multiple times in one night
- You read my blog
- Your parents know about all of my "alleged" drunken exploits
- My Civic is like a 2nd car to you
- Your family is like a 2nd family to me
- I've called you the "C" word
- You and I have our own "fist bump" dealio and/or we're too cool for fist bumps, and the simple head nod is acceptable
- We go to a restaurant and you can basically "order for me"
The S/T Women Rule
- Single women must always get "dolled up", dress nice, and do their hair make up and all that other stuff when going out.
- Taken women can NEVER do any of the above things, unless they will be in the presence of their significant other. I'm talking NO makeup, wear your hair as is, no nails done, NOTHING!
REASONS WHY THIS IS GOOD FOR EVERYBODY:
Single men: Makes it pretty damn easy for us to determine which women are available, and which are not. No more wasted time hitting on/talking to women who are taken, and it will actually make single women look hotter, which is always a good thing.
Taken men: It will greatly reduce the chances that your girl will cheat on you, since she's not going to look good when going out, and hopefully other guys out there have enough integrity to stay away from her.
Single Women: Eliminate some of the competition, you're going to look a lot better just because of the S/T rule, and guys will insta know that you are single, and won't be scared off, by just "assuming" that you are taken.
Taken women: No more douchebags hitting on you, or at least said effect will be greatly reduced, and so much time and money saved because you don't have to "get ready" or "look nice". In my estimations, the average taken woman would save ~ 7.5 months out of the year and ~ $30,000/year if said rule were implemented.
- Taken women can NEVER do any of the above things, unless they will be in the presence of their significant other. I'm talking NO makeup, wear your hair as is, no nails done, NOTHING!
REASONS WHY THIS IS GOOD FOR EVERYBODY:
Single men: Makes it pretty damn easy for us to determine which women are available, and which are not. No more wasted time hitting on/talking to women who are taken, and it will actually make single women look hotter, which is always a good thing.
Taken men: It will greatly reduce the chances that your girl will cheat on you, since she's not going to look good when going out, and hopefully other guys out there have enough integrity to stay away from her.
Single Women: Eliminate some of the competition, you're going to look a lot better just because of the S/T rule, and guys will insta know that you are single, and won't be scared off, by just "assuming" that you are taken.
Taken women: No more douchebags hitting on you, or at least said effect will be greatly reduced, and so much time and money saved because you don't have to "get ready" or "look nice". In my estimations, the average taken woman would save ~ 7.5 months out of the year and ~ $30,000/year if said rule were implemented.
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