- Ryan and I ran the "have you met Marc" play, but it did not work. Bitches don't watch HIMYM that's why.
- Lesbians absolutely HATE me! Tried to dance with these two smoking hawt lesbians all night at the club, and they were just redonk in giving me the cold shoulder. I DID get to dance with the hawtest chick in the entire club though, she gave me a solid grind, so that was a pretty fucking awesome few minutes (she had a BF but he was cool) in case you were wondering why I didn't further pursue.
- 6+ glasses of wine + multiple drinks of vodka rocks= holy fucking awesomeness
- Natalie: your niece and nephew are super cool, and have made me consider the fact that maybe I can in fact be Uncle Marc afterall. But if they start dropping F and C bombs after spending a weekend with me, I accept no responsibility, you know how I roll.
- Fried Butter + Alcohol + Pills= pretty fucking awesome! "All men die, not all men really live".
Friday, July 22, 2011
I Suck at Golf
that's the last time i motherfucking start bragging about my golfing abilities, because I am ice fucking cold right now, and my swing feels like an unfolding lawn chair.
I've Said it Before
and I'll say it again...
NEVER get a lap dance and certainly not a cold VIP dance from a 9 or a 10, particularly one who is still in her 20's because they will never deliver even a mediocre quality dance, NEVER! 7's and 8's FTW!
NEVER get a lap dance and certainly not a cold VIP dance from a 9 or a 10, particularly one who is still in her 20's because they will never deliver even a mediocre quality dance, NEVER! 7's and 8's FTW!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Why You Should Never Get LOL Married!
- One woman for the rest of your life? Are you retarded?!
- 52% of lol marriages end in divorce. If you live in California, that means that said divorce will result in the fag/pussy whipped/man hating dyke judge shoving a 10 foot pole up your ass in the divorce proceedings.
- She's gonna want to have kids (see post a few posts below for my takes on that issue)
- The $$$ you've gotta shell out for the ring would be much better spent having an awesome time once a week for a year at your nearest strip club.
- Pre-marriage= you own her. She has to serve your sexual needs or else no marriage. Post-marriage= she MEGA OWNS you. NO SEX for you. What are you gonna do? Whine? File for divorce? Go ahead, and see your bullet point #2.
- The time leading up to the wedding= you're her bitch + you gotta do a shit ton of faggy chick shit + lol at you getting a say in anything.
- We are talking about an institution which the moderator with the proper paper work would legally be allowed to serve as an officiant for. You know this has to be one hell of a joke of an institution.
- 52% of lol marriages end in divorce. If you live in California, that means that said divorce will result in the fag/pussy whipped/man hating dyke judge shoving a 10 foot pole up your ass in the divorce proceedings.
- She's gonna want to have kids (see post a few posts below for my takes on that issue)
- The $$$ you've gotta shell out for the ring would be much better spent having an awesome time once a week for a year at your nearest strip club.
- Pre-marriage= you own her. She has to serve your sexual needs or else no marriage. Post-marriage= she MEGA OWNS you. NO SEX for you. What are you gonna do? Whine? File for divorce? Go ahead, and see your bullet point #2.
- The time leading up to the wedding= you're her bitch + you gotta do a shit ton of faggy chick shit + lol at you getting a say in anything.
- We are talking about an institution which the moderator with the proper paper work would legally be allowed to serve as an officiant for. You know this has to be one hell of a joke of an institution.
Why Being Drunk > Being Sober
- Your inhibitions are lowered
- You do shit that you normally wouldn't
- Your legendaryness is multiplied by 20
- The dumb shit you do, you won't even remember
- You are legally allowed to hook up with drunk chicks
- It's fun tracking your path the next morning
- Chicks seem hawter, jokes seem funnier, all in all you're having a much better time than you normally would
- You do shit that you normally wouldn't
- Your legendaryness is multiplied by 20
- The dumb shit you do, you won't even remember
- You are legally allowed to hook up with drunk chicks
- It's fun tracking your path the next morning
- Chicks seem hawter, jokes seem funnier, all in all you're having a much better time than you normally would
Random Thoughts on Taking a Leak
- Normally I pee like a racehorse, 10x more when drinking alcohol or anything with sugar in it.
- Today I might have set a personal record, going 10 hours without peeing. It helped that it was 265 degrees with a 1475% humidity, and I was playing golf.
- The only thing more liberating that taking a glorious and much needed drunk piss, is having some smoking hawt stripper (edited for the sake of my 5th amendment rights) and then peace out to never see you again.
- I personally believe that it is bullshit that you can be labeled as a sex offender for peeing in public. That deserves the C'Mon Man of the Year! How the fuck is peeing in public on par with raping women or molesting little kids? Who among us hasn't done stupid shit when we're fucked up? Our society is so fucked up some time and these I am sick of these morally bankrupt conservative politicians trying to tell us how to behave an act, when they themselves our just as if not more perverse.
- Today I might have set a personal record, going 10 hours without peeing. It helped that it was 265 degrees with a 1475% humidity, and I was playing golf.
- The only thing more liberating that taking a glorious and much needed drunk piss, is having some smoking hawt stripper (edited for the sake of my 5th amendment rights) and then peace out to never see you again.
- I personally believe that it is bullshit that you can be labeled as a sex offender for peeing in public. That deserves the C'Mon Man of the Year! How the fuck is peeing in public on par with raping women or molesting little kids? Who among us hasn't done stupid shit when we're fucked up? Our society is so fucked up some time and these I am sick of these morally bankrupt conservative politicians trying to tell us how to behave an act, when they themselves our just as if not more perverse.
Things I Will Never Get Tired Of
- Vicodin
- Scotch
- Red Ale Beers on Tap
- VIP Dances
- Birdie Putts
- "Party Girls"
- "How I Met Your Mother"
- Tits
- Miniskirts
- Rain (unless I lived in Seattle)
- Vin Scully
- Scotch
- Red Ale Beers on Tap
- VIP Dances
- Birdie Putts
- "Party Girls"
- "How I Met Your Mother"
- Tits
- Miniskirts
- Rain (unless I lived in Seattle)
- Vin Scully
Why You Should Never have Kids! NEVER!!!
This post is dedicated to Natalie whose facebook status inspired this post. WOMAN! You and Rick need to become "followers" + I hope you heed my advice.
- Kids are annoying as fuck!
- 9 months of pain and torture (for the guy too). If you don't believe me on this one, try it you dumb fuck. 4 months in, I'll be drinking a beer, getting a lap dance, and laughing at your dumbass.
- The damage they will do to the woman's breasts. Tits are the most precious thing in the world, and it's like slapping God in the face to do any damage to them. Why do you hate God so much kid lovers?
- GG (Good Game/Arrivederici) Sex Life once that fucker is born.
- Once you have one, you're gonna want to have another, because he/she "needs someone to play with". Jesus what a dumbass argument, that's what friends are for? Unless that little fucker is a nose picker and has no friends.
- If that fuckhead isn't a nose picker, he/she will have friends, and that fuck will bring all of their friends over, and those other little fucks will cause you more headaches and trips to the medicine cabinet.
- Number of Kids you have X 10= % chance that you will commit suicide in the next 10 years.
- Babysitters, toys, college, sports, all cost a shit ton of money.
- Daughter= immediate investment in shotgun to keep her away from guys like you when you were their age + loss of all fun and income for a 1 year period when she gets lol married
- The constant sense of worry, and hoping they don't do the same stupid shit that you did, which they will.
- You will take care of and love them all your life, and when you finally need them, they'll ship you off to some old folks home.
- On the rare occasion that you have sex, it can't be loud sex, and where's the fun in that?
And the #1 reason why you should NEVER EVER have kids:
- The only time you will ever hear silence, is when they're up to no good.
So you stupid fuck, when the woman starts pressuring you into having kids, resist, resist, and resist some more. Get a vasectomy if you most, and then pay off the OBGYN/whatever other fucking doctors you see to say that she's the problem. Or don't listen to me, its your life, and you are free to make your own decisions. But 10 years down the road, when your drive to work is the highlight of your day, and you get laid even less often than me, don't come crying to me, because I'll just laugh in your face. Ohh and whatever you do, DON'T ever ask Uncle Marc to babysit, unless you're fine with them eating pizza, drinking soda, playing video games and watching baseball all weekend while Uncle Marc gets shitface hammered.
- Kids are annoying as fuck!
- 9 months of pain and torture (for the guy too). If you don't believe me on this one, try it you dumb fuck. 4 months in, I'll be drinking a beer, getting a lap dance, and laughing at your dumbass.
- The damage they will do to the woman's breasts. Tits are the most precious thing in the world, and it's like slapping God in the face to do any damage to them. Why do you hate God so much kid lovers?
- GG (Good Game/Arrivederici) Sex Life once that fucker is born.
- Once you have one, you're gonna want to have another, because he/she "needs someone to play with". Jesus what a dumbass argument, that's what friends are for? Unless that little fucker is a nose picker and has no friends.
- If that fuckhead isn't a nose picker, he/she will have friends, and that fuck will bring all of their friends over, and those other little fucks will cause you more headaches and trips to the medicine cabinet.
- Number of Kids you have X 10= % chance that you will commit suicide in the next 10 years.
- Babysitters, toys, college, sports, all cost a shit ton of money.
- Daughter= immediate investment in shotgun to keep her away from guys like you when you were their age + loss of all fun and income for a 1 year period when she gets lol married
- The constant sense of worry, and hoping they don't do the same stupid shit that you did, which they will.
- You will take care of and love them all your life, and when you finally need them, they'll ship you off to some old folks home.
- On the rare occasion that you have sex, it can't be loud sex, and where's the fun in that?
And the #1 reason why you should NEVER EVER have kids:
- The only time you will ever hear silence, is when they're up to no good.
So you stupid fuck, when the woman starts pressuring you into having kids, resist, resist, and resist some more. Get a vasectomy if you most, and then pay off the OBGYN/whatever other fucking doctors you see to say that she's the problem. Or don't listen to me, its your life, and you are free to make your own decisions. But 10 years down the road, when your drive to work is the highlight of your day, and you get laid even less often than me, don't come crying to me, because I'll just laugh in your face. Ohh and whatever you do, DON'T ever ask Uncle Marc to babysit, unless you're fine with them eating pizza, drinking soda, playing video games and watching baseball all weekend while Uncle Marc gets shitface hammered.
Things I Don't Understand About Women
All Females are encouraged to enlighten the moderator in the comments section
- Your hatred of the "C word". Ok if a guy calls a chick the C word, that is not okay, but if a guy just drops it in conversation, or calls one of his buddies that what's wrong with that? It's just a word, please explain this to me?!
- Your obsession with salad. So what if your fat? It's not like guys are going to start turning down sex with you because you put on 5 lbs. or that we're even gonna notice. Trust me, unless you are a balloon, we are NOT looking at your belly. Worst case, you get super fat, you can still get any black guy you want, which many women are into anyways.
- Why you ask guys questions when you clearly expect us to answer a certain way. Are you looking for an excuse to get pissed at us?
- Your obsession with the Twilight movies. I've been conned into seeing two of them, and they are garbage.
- Your hatred of the "C word". Ok if a guy calls a chick the C word, that is not okay, but if a guy just drops it in conversation, or calls one of his buddies that what's wrong with that? It's just a word, please explain this to me?!
- Your obsession with salad. So what if your fat? It's not like guys are going to start turning down sex with you because you put on 5 lbs. or that we're even gonna notice. Trust me, unless you are a balloon, we are NOT looking at your belly. Worst case, you get super fat, you can still get any black guy you want, which many women are into anyways.
- Why you ask guys questions when you clearly expect us to answer a certain way. Are you looking for an excuse to get pissed at us?
- Your obsession with the Twilight movies. I've been conned into seeing two of them, and they are garbage.
My Blog's Problem
is that I got too concerned with what other people thought, rather than just posting whatever the fuck I wanted, and just saying who gives a flying fuck! So from now on, just read the shit you like, and ignore the shit you don't.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Alcohol Related Man Laws
- A man's drink is either brown or clear. If your drink is any other color, its a chick's drink. Now, there's nothing wrong with having a chick drink on occasion, everyone knows I love to crazy with my Adios' from time to time. However, if your favorite drink and/or the only drinks you have aren't brown or clear in color, well you're a fag!
- Every man MUST in the case of a special occasion be able to drink a glass of scotch and smoke a cigar with the boys. If I can do so with a fucked up heart, then you can to.
- Finish your beer FFS!
- Single guys: NEVER allow your potential prey to pay for their own drink.
- Relationship guys: NEVER allow your woman to pay for her own drink, unless you intend to never get laid again. If you are asking me why not, you are clearly either (a) a fag or (b) mentally retarded.
Simple Formula: Your Woman's BAC x 3= % chance of you getting laid. WARNING: make sure said number does not exceed 100% or you will not get laid + may spend night with her in the hospital.
- Every man MUST in the case of a special occasion be able to drink a glass of scotch and smoke a cigar with the boys. If I can do so with a fucked up heart, then you can to.
- Finish your beer FFS!
- Single guys: NEVER allow your potential prey to pay for their own drink.
- Relationship guys: NEVER allow your woman to pay for her own drink, unless you intend to never get laid again. If you are asking me why not, you are clearly either (a) a fag or (b) mentally retarded.
Simple Formula: Your Woman's BAC x 3= % chance of you getting laid. WARNING: make sure said number does not exceed 100% or you will not get laid + may spend night with her in the hospital.
Popular Misconceptions about Your Moderator
From some recent conversations, it has become painfully obvious that there are some major misconceptions about your moderator, so I have come here to clear them up.
- I don't get drunk everyday. I drink probably every other day, but most of the time I do, I just have a beer or two, or a glass of scotch or two after watching the futility of the lol Dodgers. On average, I get bombed a couple times a month, and when I do my antics are posted here, and everyone just assumes it's a daily occurrence. Trust me, when I get shitfaced, it will be covered by a "Random Remembrances" post, and/or drunk blogging.
- I go to strip clubs all the time. There are spells when I go every other week or so, and spells when I don't go for a few months. On average, I probably go like once a month, but it is far less than some seem to think.
- I am only interested in sex. Don't get me wrong, as is the case with most guys, sex is rarely far from my mind. However, what I really want is to have the sex + the emotional fulfillment of a relationship. I know it sounds ghey, but I want to meet the right girl, fall in love, propose, do our planning for a Dodger Stadium wedding, have a raging bachelor party, followed by an even more legendary wedding.
- I don't get drunk everyday. I drink probably every other day, but most of the time I do, I just have a beer or two, or a glass of scotch or two after watching the futility of the lol Dodgers. On average, I get bombed a couple times a month, and when I do my antics are posted here, and everyone just assumes it's a daily occurrence. Trust me, when I get shitfaced, it will be covered by a "Random Remembrances" post, and/or drunk blogging.
- I go to strip clubs all the time. There are spells when I go every other week or so, and spells when I don't go for a few months. On average, I probably go like once a month, but it is far less than some seem to think.
- I am only interested in sex. Don't get me wrong, as is the case with most guys, sex is rarely far from my mind. However, what I really want is to have the sex + the emotional fulfillment of a relationship. I know it sounds ghey, but I want to meet the right girl, fall in love, propose, do our planning for a Dodger Stadium wedding, have a raging bachelor party, followed by an even more legendary wedding.
Happy 235th Birthday America!
Thanks to all the men and women past, present, and future, who have/are/will serve this country and fight for the values and principals that it was built on. America gets hated on a lot both from abroad and from within, but it is still the greatest country in the world, and those who disagree can GET THE FUCK OUT!
Watching the Dodgers
has become painful and is beyond detrimental to my health. I hope not to talk about this anymore, so I won't. MLB 1st half wrap-up coming next week though.
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