Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
45 Hours
That's how long it has been since I have last had a drink, and my body has still not recovered from last weekend. Maybe it was the fact that I slept on the floor. Maybe it was the fact that I have a major heart condition, and no spleen. Maybe it was because for the 2nd straight weekend I mixed cigars and heavy drinking (damn it Ryan I told you not to let me do that shit). Maybe it was because I had 3.5 Adios' in like 45 minutes. Maybe it was because for 2 straight days my BAC was never at 0.00. Or maybe it was because destroying my body is just too much fucking fun and I can't resist! So I leave you with this pearl of wisdom:
"Life is too short to be a pussy. Drink up bitches!"
"Life is too short to be a pussy. Drink up bitches!"
"Woman" Status: An Explanation + Congrats Natalie!
- So on more than a few occasions I've had somebody ask me what I mean or who I'm talking about when I use the phrase "Woman", so here's the background story: My friends Heather and Hillary (who are more like sisters to me than friends) have names that are obviously similar. When I used to get drunk I would always mix their names up and call each the other one. Both would get hella pissed at me, so one night when they were both giving me shit, I got fed up, and was just like: WOMAN!!! Shut up! and then some rambling drunken nonsense.
- Now, the name has just kind of stuck, and I use it all the time both in a nice way and in a rude way, but we're cool so it's fine, trust me they call me names just as bad if not worse so it all evens out.
- My friend Morgan has since earned the "Woman" title, and this weekend Natalie has acquired said status.
So what does "Woman" status entitle you to:
- Well it means that I'm going to burden you with all of my girl successes and fails and ask you a lot of very dumb questions because I am very dumb when it comes to interacting with females.
- I will always have your back at least from guys. I have a very firm never hit a girl policy so if you want to fight some bitch, I can't intervene unless you are really getting beat. But, anytime any guy so much as looks at you funny I'm stepping in, especially while drunk. I cannot tell you how many times I have almost gotten a hospital bad beating trying to protect the H's. Yes I also overreact very badly too.
- You will be called "Woman" most of the time instead of your real name, but trust me it means you're cool, because most women would bitch slap me if I called them "Woman". By accepting this title, you're like one of the guys.
- You will know WAY too much about me and my shenanigans (especially strip club exploits). You might be repulsed, but you will always be entertained, and laughing your ass off whether with me or at me.
- Now, the name has just kind of stuck, and I use it all the time both in a nice way and in a rude way, but we're cool so it's fine, trust me they call me names just as bad if not worse so it all evens out.
- My friend Morgan has since earned the "Woman" title, and this weekend Natalie has acquired said status.
So what does "Woman" status entitle you to:
- Well it means that I'm going to burden you with all of my girl successes and fails and ask you a lot of very dumb questions because I am very dumb when it comes to interacting with females.
- I will always have your back at least from guys. I have a very firm never hit a girl policy so if you want to fight some bitch, I can't intervene unless you are really getting beat. But, anytime any guy so much as looks at you funny I'm stepping in, especially while drunk. I cannot tell you how many times I have almost gotten a hospital bad beating trying to protect the H's. Yes I also overreact very badly too.
- You will be called "Woman" most of the time instead of your real name, but trust me it means you're cool, because most women would bitch slap me if I called them "Woman". By accepting this title, you're like one of the guys.
- You will know WAY too much about me and my shenanigans (especially strip club exploits). You might be repulsed, but you will always be entertained, and laughing your ass off whether with me or at me.
Blog Design- HELP WANTED!
Ok I'm not going to sugar coat this shit, my blog design is God fucking awful! I mean look at the post below, I don't know how to fucking resize this shit and make things look good. Also the background is bland, and the site is just uninspiring and not pleasant to look at. I feel that it's detracting from the awesome commentary and content, so my question to you all is:
Does anyone know how to fix this shit, and/or is anyone willing to help me. Design and IT stuff are not my areas of expertise, so yea. If you know how to make it look good, shoot me a text and I'll give you my password so that you can play around with things and make it look good. Thanks a lot.
Reward: Sorry I don't get paid to blog so I can't pay you to help. But, if you help me I will make 10 posts on any subject manner you want to hear about, and buy you a beer the next time I see you (assuming you do a good job and make a noticeable improvement in the blog design).
- Your Moderator
Does anyone know how to fix this shit, and/or is anyone willing to help me. Design and IT stuff are not my areas of expertise, so yea. If you know how to make it look good, shoot me a text and I'll give you my password so that you can play around with things and make it look good. Thanks a lot.
Reward: Sorry I don't get paid to blog so I can't pay you to help. But, if you help me I will make 10 posts on any subject manner you want to hear about, and buy you a beer the next time I see you (assuming you do a good job and make a noticeable improvement in the blog design).
- Your Moderator
I'm Hurt Dog Don't Ask Me if I'm Alright!!! HELL NO!
- Butler played a tough physical game and really did give everything they had. Unfortunately the shots just wouldn't fall and UConn was just simply the better team. Congrats to Jim Calhoun who is building a legendary status and Kemba Walker and Co. for just a sick sick month of basketball.
- Can't wait for next year's tournament, but until then it's full fledged baseball time for me with some Playoff Kings hockey thrown in the mix.
- Can't wait for next year's tournament, but until then it's full fledged baseball time for me with some Playoff Kings hockey thrown in the mix.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Random Remembrances from this Weekend: San Francisco Edition
- Failing very badly with a LOT of chicks that I hit on who were at various levels of sobriety.
- Randomly talking about "the schmoo" from "Lucky Number Slevin"
- Some kinda gay shit that I don't want to talk about. It was the Frisco wearing off on me. I needs to get me to a strip club ASAP to get the gay out of my system.
- The coolest fucking cab driver like fucking ever
- Telling Rick to "SHUT THE FUCK UP" when he was snoring and I was obv. fucked up beyond belief
- Drinking 3.5 Adios Motherfuckers (a very strong alcoholic beverage with a high number of different types of booze in it) in under an hour. Not Recommended under any circumstances!
- Some major homo guy trying to dance with Ryan. I got very very scared as he got closer to me.
- FUCK I just forgot! I was chatting up some hot chick in line for the bathroom. I had to grab something so I told her I'd be right back, but I never went back! FUCK ME! She was hawt, I was drunk and she wasn't running away from me. Prospects had to at least kind of good.
- Randomly talking about "the schmoo" from "Lucky Number Slevin"
- Some kinda gay shit that I don't want to talk about. It was the Frisco wearing off on me. I needs to get me to a strip club ASAP to get the gay out of my system.
- The coolest fucking cab driver like fucking ever
- Telling Rick to "SHUT THE FUCK UP" when he was snoring and I was obv. fucked up beyond belief
- Drinking 3.5 Adios Motherfuckers (a very strong alcoholic beverage with a high number of different types of booze in it) in under an hour. Not Recommended under any circumstances!
- Some major homo guy trying to dance with Ryan. I got very very scared as he got closer to me.
- FUCK I just forgot! I was chatting up some hot chick in line for the bathroom. I had to grab something so I told her I'd be right back, but I never went back! FUCK ME! She was hawt, I was drunk and she wasn't running away from me. Prospects had to at least kind of good.
The Death of 3 Phones: An American Sad Story
So for those of you who don't know me well, or who have never read this blog before, I like to drink, like a LOT! When I drink, I tend to go insane fucking crazy and do ridiculously hilarious and/or obnoxious shit! Anyways, this weekend for the 3rd fucking time in the last few years I managed to destroy a phone while insanely intoxicated, so thought I'd share these experiences with you all.
1st Time: Aww I popped my phone destroying cherry in the most awesome and epic way possible. So myself and a bunch of friends are on Hillary's boat. BTW Woman! we gotta make it out there again soon! We're all drinking and the bathroom is out of order for reasons I can't remember at this time, so I piss in my beer bottle. I go on the edge to pour it out, and somehow manage to fall through the life rails and overboard. Wallet soaking wet but not lost luckily, phone, medical chain, and something else at the bottom of the ocean, and sandals floating away. Brian saves the sandals while the others work to get me back on the boat (I cant swim well). And the kicker: we were fucking docked, as in not moving and my drunk ass manages to do this shit!
2nd time: We're all partying in Downtown Fullerton for my speleeniversary and I am beyond gone! We try and gain entrance into a cougar bar, and I am denied entrance. I try like 3 more times to get in, but the nazis didnt want to take my money, and I would have dropped a lot of cash the state i was in. Jose is sober enough to drive me home, but I'm so pissed I take my phone and throw it as hard as I can to the ground. It ends up in the curb by a drainage ditch, so water + the slam= BROKEN!
3rd Time= This weekend in San Francisco we all get back from a night of very heavy drinking at least by me. I guess I place my phone on the nightstand and there is water there. so a lot of water on the table + my phone= OMG 4th new phone as a result of drunken stupidity! Luckily it only cost $10 so I'm still a happy panda.
1st Time: Aww I popped my phone destroying cherry in the most awesome and epic way possible. So myself and a bunch of friends are on Hillary's boat. BTW Woman! we gotta make it out there again soon! We're all drinking and the bathroom is out of order for reasons I can't remember at this time, so I piss in my beer bottle. I go on the edge to pour it out, and somehow manage to fall through the life rails and overboard. Wallet soaking wet but not lost luckily, phone, medical chain, and something else at the bottom of the ocean, and sandals floating away. Brian saves the sandals while the others work to get me back on the boat (I cant swim well). And the kicker: we were fucking docked, as in not moving and my drunk ass manages to do this shit!
2nd time: We're all partying in Downtown Fullerton for my speleeniversary and I am beyond gone! We try and gain entrance into a cougar bar, and I am denied entrance. I try like 3 more times to get in, but the nazis didnt want to take my money, and I would have dropped a lot of cash the state i was in. Jose is sober enough to drive me home, but I'm so pissed I take my phone and throw it as hard as I can to the ground. It ends up in the curb by a drainage ditch, so water + the slam= BROKEN!
3rd Time= This weekend in San Francisco we all get back from a night of very heavy drinking at least by me. I guess I place my phone on the nightstand and there is water there. so a lot of water on the table + my phone= OMG 4th new phone as a result of drunken stupidity! Luckily it only cost $10 so I'm still a happy panda.
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