Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Lessons On Love, Friendship, and Learning

SUPER LONG but hopefully worth the read. Basically a full breakdown of my love life past, present, and future.

***WARNING*** Super Mushy Gushiness, EMO AIDS, and possibly super depressing, but nothing but the truth. If you actually read this entire thing, then you deserve to know my full story

- So apparently some of you are concerned about my well-being. I appreciate your concern, and while I'm not going to lie to you and say that everything is peaches and roses right now, it could certainly be worse, and I'll get by (but not high) with a little help from my friends.

- About the girl in question, I still hope that her and I can remain friends, and I will certainly make my best efforts to, but it may be harder than just words. I won't get into too many specifics out of respect to her, but basically either (a) she is truly into me and just doesn't want to admit it, for reasons that i won't discuss or (b) was deliberately flirtatious with me because she knew that I liked her, and did so just to be a tease.

- While I really hope that it's A, the realist in me says that B is probably the truth, or at least pretty close to it. I'm probably making her out to be a terrible person here, and that is far from the truth. She is a good person, who for whatever reason led me on, probably not realizing how emotionally invested I was in the situation, and I'm not going to lie, I feel very hurt, and have for the past few days.

- A major thank you to everybody who offered me advice and words of encouragement during this entire ordeal! I have learned so much about myself, love, my past, and my future in this week. There have been five women that I have been crazy about in my lifetime, and claimed to be "in love" with. Two of them really hurt me badly, one just wanted to be friends, and we maintained a friendship for many years until we eventually drifted apart, and one well i was just perma drunk, and was never really into her, just liked talking a lot.

- Well anyways, as MANY people have mentioned to me: "the right one won't care about your baggage or issues" and "it will be easy when you're with the right one". Well what I realized is that for all of the four women mentioned, it wasn't easy, I put everything into the friendship/attempts at a relationship, and never got anything in return except perhaps the occasional ruse. Perhaps even more significantly, all four of them made me WEAKER! I invested so much time, effort, and energy into them, and trying to be the person I thought they wanted, rather than being who I am, and letting them take it or leave it. Not trying to assign them any blame (well maybe one from my UCI days who really wrecked me emotionally, but more on that another day) but saying that things were never easy. My time with them put a drain on me, and my times and experience with them hurt me, my self-confidence, and left me a pathetic whiny pile of mush.

- Well as for the 5th girl, the one from my screenplay, things with her were easy. She gave to me (compliments, time, affection, platonic love, etc.) as much as actually more than I did in return. And I never once tried to be something different, or tried to impress her, I was ALWAYS myself! She is the only one who ever made me STRONGER, and the way I felt when I was around her is a feeling that I haven't experienced or come anywhere close to experiencing since. We ran into each other about a year ago, and the 10-15 minutes that we spent together were the best of the last 5 years of my life. She is the only woman that I have ever truly "loved", but as has been said before, she is married with a kid and out of my life probably forever. I wish her the best though, and am truly happy that she has found happiness, even though it will never be with me. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to say that she was "the one", because every time I hear her name, think about her, or see a short chick with curly blonde hair, my heart stops, and all my worries and troubles go away. After one of my heartbreaks, she was the person that got me back on track, and more than anybody in my life, made me feel better about myself, raised my self-confidence, because she always had the PERFECT thing to say to me. She was the only one who gave to me more than I did to her, and she NEVER once asked me for anything in return. While I never told her how I felt, being an insecure an stupid teenager, she left me a better person, and while I hope to meet someone wonderful, and fall in love again, I will NEVER love someone more than I loved and continue to love her. Every woman that I have met since her has been measured against her, and none of them have even come close, because she was the one.

- So where does this leave me? Single, alone, with the girl of my dreams lost and gone forever? Well all I can do, is be who I am, the random, loving, free-spirited person that you all know and love/hate. I need to learn to love myself more, and have gained a greater appreciation for myself through this ordeal. Granted, I am terrible at being single, but I would make a great boyfriend, I just need to wait for an amazing woman, who DESERVES all the love that I would give to her, and will give back to me just as much if not more love. As a good friend told me, I've got to "guard my heart" because the right one will find their way in.

- For now, I can't do anything but move on, with my lessons learned, living life, meeting people, and if the right girl comes along, hold on tight, and this time never let go. Just because "the one" is gone, doesn't mean that I can't meet someone amazing who will make me happy for the rest of my days. You can't change the past, all you can do is use the past as a guide to help you make yourself a better future, and that's what I intend to do. I guess a part of me (the part that writes romantic comedrama movies) hold out that one in a million hope that her and I will one day be reunited, but in all honesty if divorce/widowing is what it takes for us to be together, then I hope we never do, for I just want her to be happy. So realistically...

- If however, there isn't another "one" out there for me, then I am fine with that. In my life I've met and loved my perfect woman with all my soul, and that's more than many people can say. I am blessed to have met her, just the memories that I shared with her make me happy during my worst days (the past week + right now). If a lifetime alone is what God has planned for me, then I'll say my prayers, love life, love others, and when I die I will get to spend the rest of eternity with her, and all the other people that I love. God Bless you all, thank you for reading, and good night, and may you all find what it is you are looking for.

- Marc James Tokushige

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