Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Why Yor Moderator "Falls in Love" So Easily

- Your moderator has never hidden or been discreet about the fact that he is the biggest degen that you know.  I  make no apologies for this, I am who I am, either accept me fully or not at all.
- That being said, your moderator deep down is a hopless romantic.  He puts up a front of being the man's man but deep down he just wants to find "the one" and fall into a love that his friends and family have found.  If he were to die today, the greatest tragedy would be that while he is important to some, he isn't the most important person in the world to anybody.
- He has been in love once in his life, but has never been told by a girl that she loves him.  It hurts a lot that I've never been told those three magical words "I love you".  You all know that I have tried and tried and tried, but constantly failed either through my own (many) faults or because the women that I seem to go for are manipulative controllers who treat me like one of their puppets.
- So I guess any time that a chick pays him any attention, gives him the time of day he naturally gets his hopes WAY too high, which only sets him up for more sadness. 

Current Playlist

- "Call Me Maybe" I don't care if it makes gay that song is awesome
- "Club Can't Handle Me"
- "You can't hurry love"
- "A Woman Like you"
- "Ayy ladies"
- "Only One"
- "Red Dirt Road"
- "Good Time"
- "Little Talks"

Drunk Errors

Some of the below posts will be reposts, some will not, I don't know what the fuck I've posted before.  I am posting these in the hopes that my brothers and sisters will not commit the same drunken errors as your beloved moderator.

- Once you are "buzzed", TURN OFF your phones, and stop social networking, because only VERY BAD things can happen.
- NEVER drunk text a chick you want to bang "your love is my drug"
- NEVER drunk text/dial/drunkbook a chick that you like asking her out.  I'm like 0 for 5 maybe worse.
- NEVER play blackjack when you are drunk
- If you do, give your credit cards/debit cards/ATM cards/any other plastic/any other cash to a SOBER female friend or you can bet your ass you will commit MAJOR financial errors.  Thanks H's: you've saved my ass on multiple occasions.
- EAT motherfuckers EAT!!!  If you eat you won't throw up no matter how much you drink, if you don't eat you are gonna vomit unless you drink like a bitch.
- Never drink any off the following: Anything mixed with any energy drink, Absinthe, or Four Loko's

Women I am Currently "In Love" With

 Those of you who have achieved "woman" status are correct: I fall in love way too easily, and I have WAY too many soulmates.  That being said, here is the current list.

 - Alex Morgan: our babies would be hot, athletic, funny, and legendary.  Guess which two traits I'd be contributing?
- Carly Rae Jepsen even though she's Canadian
- About 10 different nurses
- My party bus girl
- An unnamed chick

Happy Birthday Broski

My man Carlos,

Happy Birthday Brother!  You are one of the most legit good guys that I know.  You've always had my boy Ryan's back, and have always been a good broski to myself, and the rest of the Vegas crew.  It's been good times hanging out with you over the years, and especially in the past year.  Sorry I gave you a taste, but seriously, why the fuck were you sleeping on the floor?!  Ohh well, its a hell of a lot better than making severe financial errors.  Hope you're having a good one brother, drinking a Chivas ON ICE just for you.  Salud.

- Marc

How to get 14,254 unread emails

- Create a yahoo email account when you are like 12
- Do absolutely to stop spam
- Sign up for some yahoo groups thing on your favorite strip club, that automatically sends you an email whenever somebody posts in the group (which is like 50 times a day)
- Check your email twice a year (when registering for fantasy baseball and football)

Random Remembrances From Last Weekend

- A few beers
- A shit ton racial slurs (against every race and ethnicity)
- Many many many shots of absinthe
- The lights going out
- Apparently vomiting all over myself, Ryan, and destroying my shirt
- Apparentl vomiting in my car multiple times
- Waking up at 6am with no idea where I was, how I got there, thinking that I was literally dead, and then 24 hours of pain and suffering

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Random Remembrances From Last Night

Darkness, absolute total darkness

Some New Man Laws

Man Law #69: When a hot chick tells you to strip for her, you HAVE to do it.

The following man laws assume you do not have driving responsibilities and/or major health problems.

Man Law #70: When a chick challenges you to a drinking contest you MUST accept.

Man Law #71: When everyone else is doing a shot you MUST take one too.

Man Law #72: If there is that one guy who's being a bitch, all other guys MUST punch him once and only once.

Man Law #73: Watch this video:

Man Law #74: Thank me later

Man Law #75: Stop being sad and start being legendary.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Congrats Ryan and Hillary!!!

Ryan: You have been my brother since I met you on my 15th birthday and our first day of high school.  You are as big a smart ass and competitive mother fucker as I am, which has led to many heated battles, but at the end of the day, you have always had my back and looked out for me.  From endless rounds of golf, nights of drinking, vacations, and watching endless sporting events where we never root for the same team, you've always been there for me, and like me have always been down for going wherever the night took us, which is why I love hanging out with you. We've been through the highest of highs and lowest of lows together, but there is nobody I'd rather have by my side.  I know that you are going to make an excellent husband to Hillary, and I am so happy that you've found the woman of your dreams.  I love you brother (no homo no homo).

Hillary: WOMAN!!! OMG So excited!  First off, for all the jokes I've given over the years, you looked absolutely BEAUTIFUL on saturday, and you always do!  I know I give you a lot of shit, but you are one of my best friends, and now officially, my little sister!  As Eric said in his epic speech, you always do have my best interests at heart, and have always looked out for me when I have been incapacitated.  I love hanging out with you because you are like one of the guys because you enjoy having a good time, watching sports, but give us a fresh female perspective to things, and have always helped me with my girl situations, always being right as well.  I need to listen to you more often.  You know I've always been kind of lol marriage, but I know that you are going to be a great wife to and take care of my brother.  Love you little sister!

Hope you guys are having an awesome honeymoon, eat up, drink up, and do plenty of things that I don't want to know about.  Can't wait to see you guys when you get back, and most importantly, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness together.

Marc James Bitch

Random Remembrances from Ryan and Hillary's Wedding Weekend

- Awesome drive up on Thursday with Ashley and Stephanie.  Ashley: your story was fucking awesome and I love your storytelling methods.
- Ryan fucking soulreading me at dinner and knowing that I was going to order Chivas although I think I know what your "tell" is on me.
- Awesome rehearsal and rehearsal dinner
- Spilling pizza all over myself at dinner
- Crazy drunk shit and dance practice that night
- Darkness
- Waking up and things getting weird
- Hungover golf, got drunker on the course
- Chilling the fuck out with some In N Out afterwards and practicing my speech
- Watching Ryan and Hill get married to a beautiful ceremony and delivering a bombass speech.  Guys: thanks for allowing the world's biggest degen to speak during the middle of your wedding- I hope I didn't let you down.
- Ryan telling me I needed to speak again and give a blessing over the dinner.  Thank God I didn't end up doing so or we would have all gotten food poisoning.
- Almost crying during Natalie and Paul's speeches and laughing my ass off during Eric and Sam's.  Seriously, you all killed it: fanfuckingtastic work!  Kyle: you need to get Eric back one day though.
- Dancing the night away with all my homeboys and homegirls.  One of the ladies there who shall remain nameless kissing on the mouth.
- PARTYBUS: Being dared by one of the to remain nameless ladies to give the entire bus a strip tease and then following through on that.  It was fucking awesome and will be posted eventually.
- After party in Eric and AshCab19's room: Doing ANOTHER striptease when the same lady requested it and giving her a lap dance.  Walking her back to her room in my boxers (5-10 minute walk) when I couldn't find my clothes. 
- Spending an entire weekend with 200 people that I love.  I didn't know everybody there, but those that I did are amazing and those I didn't I got to know, making some friends along the way.  It was the best weekend of my life, and I will never forget it.  Thank you to Sam, Shawn, Paul, and Val for everything that you did to make it possible!

Some Thoughts on Romance

I will keep this as short and sweet as possible, but as you loyal readers know, the moderator for 9 years has killed himself over and always loved his proverbial "one that got away".  Well, without getting into any more details, I have finally gotten over her, and I have finally forgiven myself for letting her get away.  She wasn't "the one", and I finally believe that I am capable of being loved by somebody else.

Congrats Rick and Natalie!!!

I freakin' love you guys and I know that you are both going to be amazing parents!  I am fully aboard Team Baby and you guys know I will be here for you every step of the way.  Except for diapers, I am 100% not on board with doing diapers, but everything else I'm your man.  Wishing you both a happy, healthy baby, and Natalie: anytime you need to yell and scream at somebody, I am volunteering myself to be yelled and screamed at- that's how much I love you guys!

Random Remembrances from Ryan's Bachelor Party

- Things getting weird (a lot)
- Rick waking me and Eric up every 20 minutes with his fucking snoring
- Losing a shoe then later finding it
- Our room setting a world record for most deuces taken in a single weekend
- Never having any fucking toilet paper
- Drinking like 25 190's in 4 days
- Waking up to take a deuce.  Going to my bathroom and not seeing any toilet paper, going to the other bathroom and not seeing any toilet paper.  So I'm like WTF am I going to do?  So I stumble around for a while, and my foot bumps into something.  I hear a groan, and it's Carlos.  WHY THE FUCK IS CARLOS SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR?!
- Committing severe financial errors (GFY Blackjack)
- Most of the rest is total darkness (that's what happens when you drink like 6 190's and 1.5 bottles of scotch in 4 days). 

Random Remembrances from Matt and Mindy's Wedding

First off congrats Matt and Mindy!  You are two of the nicest and coolest people that I know, and thank you for letting me part of your special day.  You guys are an awesome couple and I wish you both a lifetime of happiness together.

- A freaking awesome ceremony!  Mindy you looked beautiful as always, and Matt my man you were rocking the kilt like a G.
- Alternating between craft beers and wines like a motherfucker
- Spilling a shit ton of beer on my dress shirt
- Going crazy on the dance floor
- Blacking out the shuttle ride back to the hotel
- Partying at the hotel with the newlyweds, Ryan and Hill, Matt's frat boys, and all the parents
- Hitting on the mother of the bride (sorry guys)
- Spending A LOT A LOT of time in the elevator
- Waking up with a top 5 worst hangover in my life
- Dry heaving and fucktard Ryan videotaping it
- Proclaiming on facebook that I would never drink again, and then going wine tasting with Ryan and Hill at their venue a couple hours later

Other Random Remembrances

- Motorboating 10 million chicks and getting a naked lap dance at the river float trip
- AshCab19 calling me a pussy, a faggot, and a bitch- lolol
- Total darkness on Eric's birthday
- Sam Dow telling me that I slept on the floor of the river house face down and by the front door
- Lots of headaches and advil consumption