Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas Everybody!

Gotta leave right now, but if I get home early enough, and Felix Jones + The Cowboys Defense do work (thus putting me in a good mood), I'll write out a Christmas Night story for you all. Yes it will be teh ghey, so guys can just ignore, and girls will mega love it.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Random Shit I'm Loving Right Now

- My BFF's blog:
- Alright Woman you get a shoutout instead of a war. Can't wait to try some of this fucking food. I am sooooooo damn hungry.
- Orange Chicken + Fried Rice. The Chinese food place by Ryan and Hillary's is OMG the best ever, but Panda is pretty damn solid as well.
- Texting
- Christmas Music on KOST 103.5
- This abundance of rain. too bad its coming to an end.
- ESPN's NFL Divisional Blogs
- The ESPN NFL Countdown Crew and NBC Sunday Night Football Crew. Al Michaels is timeless of course and Cris Collinsworth is funny as hell and tells it like it is.
- Gus Johnson. If this guy announced soccer matches, the MLS would surpass every league but the NFL in popularity.
- Arrowhead Pride (Chiefs Blog/Fan Forum)

Random Shit that Annoys the Fuck out of Me

- Asian Drivers
- Women Drivers
- Old Drivers
- People Under the Age of 18
- Parents of People Under the Age of 18
- When there's like 3 lanes and a slow as fuck driver in all of them, but they all happen to be driving the same speed so you can't go around them. Its as if these pussy fucktards are conspiring against everybody else.
- That fucking guy whose car has 4 times the horsepower of mine but drives like a cunt. Man Up you Fucking Pussy!
- People's inability to have any fucking idea what the fuck is going on in parking lots. Guilty on this one myself so i can't really complain.

NUMBER ONE PET PEEVE RIGHT NOW: Those fuckers who have big orders at the grocery store. The courtesy clerks are MIA and rather than help the checker bag they just stand there and do nothing, chat it up with the clerk about the fucking weather or something retarded like that, or bitch and complain about a bunch of bullshit that the checker could give two shits about, and then to top it off, their total comes, and instead of being ready, they take a fucking hour to find their cash/credit card/store card. HOW FUCKING LAZY and INCONSIDERATE can you FUCKS BE?! Do you have no fucking idea that there are people behind you waiting! GO FUCK YOURSELVES EAT SHIT AND DIE!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My Christmas Wish List

Chiefs Win + Chargers Loss...That is all, don't want to sweat the Oakland game.

First Timer Strip Club Tips

Going to a strip club for the first time can be exciting, nervewracking, and also VERY VERY expensive. The first time I went I had no idea what was going on or what to do, and got absolutely fleeced in the wallet.

- Go with me. Hit me up and I'll make sure that you (a) go the right club. yes there's a HUGE difference between good clubs i.e. those in the City of Industry and shitty clubs i.e. those in Orange County. I know all the tricks of the trade and make sure you get the most bang for your buck, yes pun intended.

- Watch the chicks' stage dances before you get a dance from her. If she gives a shitty half-assed stage dance, she'll almost invariably give a shitty lap dance.

- General Rule of Thumb: The uglier the chick the better dance/more extracurricular stuff she will give. Pretty much because the 9's and 10's don't need to do anything but give shitty dances to get paid. With this in mind, target the 7's and 8's frequently and often.

- 100% AGREE to a specific price ahead of time. Some clubs make you actually pay the dancer ahead of time, and this is very important or eventually you're gonna get robbed. These chicks are mentally unstable as crazy as fuck, so you gotta take precautions to protect yourself.

- Whatever cash you bring with you expect to spend. These strippers' job is to bilk you for all you have. To that end leave all credit/debit cards at home or you might wake up with a 0 balance in your bank account. Luckily this has never happened to me.

- Don't get attached. This actually hasn't happened to me, but remember that they could give two shits about you, everything they say to you is total bullshit, its all about getting paid to these chicks. They're using you, so don't feel about using them.

- HAVE FUN! ENJOY the show, make it rain, tip your waitresses well, and have a good time.

Things I'm Stoked For

- Bowl Season and beating A-Dog in our bowl mania challenge
- Weeks 16,17, and the NFL Playoffs. Please ship it Chiefs!
- Fantasy Football Championship game vs. The Patriot Way. Started 2-4 due to some terrible in-season management and a bit of bad luck, but went 6-1 to end the regular season, and been the top point scorer in a lot of those weeks, including the first two playoff rounds (THANK YOU MICHAEL VICK)! Going for the 3 Peat this weekend, and as you all know, anything short of a championship is a failure, and just not an option.
- New Years Eve drunken insanity with Ryan, Hillary, Eric, and whatever other drunk foolios decide to show up wherever the fuck we decide to go. Nemesis you better be there!
- Visiting Paul and Heather for Wild Card Weekend! I'm literally praying for snow on at least one day so I can fulfill my lifelong dream of playing some football in the snow.
- Actually being able to play some poker over this break. I've missed it so so much.
- MORE AND MORE AND MORE RAIN!!! Loving these storms, please keep 'em coming.
- LOL I totally forgot about Christmas. Yea that too.

Random Remembrances from the Past Few Months

- Drinking my weight in beer in like under an hour for my birthday celebrations...not much for the next few hours
- Wanting to fight a lot of different people
- Drunk off my ass and going absolutely wild in Memphis...sorry Woman!
- Getting into it with some punk Bruin fans at the Rose Bowl. Some fucking guy wouldn't move his legs so I could get through. Unfucking real!
- Going absolutely wild, shoving my boys and pumped up after we beat the Bruins! 28-14 Woo Hoo!
- Puking my guts out on Brookside Golf Course (Rose Bowl parking lot) after the game
- Drinking like 5 glasses of scotch in 20 minutes, hitting on the hawt bartender, and stumbling around like a crazy man.
- Craziness at Lake Arrowhead. Being a crazy fucko on the drive home. Sorry Woman for putting up with our drunk asses.

Holiday Fun Tips

Here are some helpful holiday tips to make the holiday season more enjoyable for you, your loved ones, and everybody around you.

- Read my blog everyday. Its awesome, I'm awesome, and it will make you laugh and feel better about life.

- If you have annoying as fuck little kids: call a sitter, send them to Miss Hillary, teach them some fucking discipline, I really don't care what the fuck you do, just keep them the hell away from me. I'm so sick of the yelling and the screaming and the crying.

- Do all your shopping in one day. Pick a day any day to do it all. Why spend weeks stressing about it, dealing with traffic, crazy soccer moms, and clueless fucktards like me who run around like a chicken with their head cut off when you can cram it all into one day and just be done with it?

- DON'T drink and drive! It's dangerous to you and everyone around you, and cops will be out in full force. get fucked up at home, or call your grandma to drive you home instead.

- Watch ELF! It's the best Christmas movie ever, will put you in the holiday spirit (unless your name is Ebenezer Smiths), and ohh did I mention that I JUST <3 <3 <3 Zooey Deschanel!

- Watch a lot, lot, lot of football! Bowl Season + NFL Regular Season coming to an end= ITS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!

NFL Week 16 Picks

Winners in Bold

Carolina @ Pittsburgh: Jimmy Clausen vs. the Pittsburgh defense even without Troy Polamalu has to be the biggest mismatch of the season. Pittsburgh's offense has struggled for the last month, and Carolina's D isn't as lol as one would think, but Pitt's D outscores Carolina for an easy win.

Dallas @ Arizona: The Cardinals lost to the Panthers. That's pretty much all you need to know. Talk about a stocking of coal for a game though. Outside of Cowboys fans, drunk cowboy haters, and fantasy owners, I don't know who is gonna watch this game.

Washington @ Jacksonville: Maybe the Shanahans knew what was up when they benched McNabb for Sexy Rexy. He'll get to pick on an absolutely porous Jags secondary, but the Skins have given up, MJD is gonna run wild, and the Jags will find a way to win as they've done all year.

San Francisco @ St. Louis: Expect a heavy dose of Brian Westbrook and Vernon Davis who will challenge the Rams on the edges and in space which is the deficiency on this defense. Defensively, the Niners will load the box to try and take away SJax and force a struggling Sam Bradford to beat them, which he won't. The Rams have made tremendous improvements this year, but they'll still not quite there.

Tennessee @ Kansas City: The Titans broke their 7 game losing streak against an equally miserable Texans team, but this team has given up on Jeff Fisher who is probably on his way out. Jamaal Charles runs wild and the Chiefs edge one step closer to an AFC West crown.

NY Jets @ Chicago: The Bears ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE! And that's a damn good football team. They've patched up the offensive line, Cutler is playing a lot better, they are EXCELLENT on special teams, and that defense is still one of the best units in the league, strong on all 3 levels. I don't see how the Jets move the ball on Chicago's D, and the Bears ST makes a big play to change the game and move the Bears a step closer to a 1st round bye.

New England @ Buffalo: My opponent in the fantasy championship has like half the Patriots roster. I'm scared, very scared.

Baltimore @ Cleveland: UPSET SPECIAL! Cleveland has played to the level of its competition all year with wins over the Pats/Saints, but back to back losses to the Bill and Bungals. They're playing for coach Eric Mangini's job, and the Ravens seem like a team ripe for the picking. Their vaunted defense just hasn't been the same this season, and they're struggling to get the ball to their receivers. The Browns have been competitive in all but one game this year, and with bruiser Peyton Hillis and a surprisingly solid rookie Colt McCoy will make enough plays on both sides of the ball to save Mangini's job and clinch the North for Pittsburgh.

Houston @ Denver: Tim Tebow makes for a really enticing fantasy play this week against the worst defense in the league. Timmay gets his first NFL win, you gotta love this kid he just knows how to win.

San Diego @ Cincinnati: The Bungals finally showed some life this week, but it all comes crashing down as the Marvin Lewis/Carson Palmer/Ochofucko era nears its end. F the Chargers tho

Indy @ Oakland: The Raiders want to run the ball, the Colts can't stop the run. The Raiders pass rush is pretty solid, and against a depleted Colts team, the Raiders ensure that they won't have a losing season.

NY Giants @ Packers: The Giants are the Chargers of the NFC. All the talent in the world, but they just find ways to give games away. They've been here before with their backs against the wall, and even though Rodgers is going to play, their defense hits him hard and often, knowing they don't have to worry about the run, and their power running game takes this one over.

Seattle @ Tampa Bay: It scares me that both of these teams could conceivably still make the playoffs. What a dreary proposition that is. The Bucs have devastated their playoff chances with a home loss to the Lions, and while they are injury depleted, the Seahawks are just a terrible terrible football team right now. They haven't been able to run the ball all season, their defense gets worse every week, and Matt Hasselbeck throws more completions to the DB's than his WR's. There really aren't words to describe how terrible the NFC West is, and what a crime it is that somebody from that division will make the playoffs over the Giants or the Packers.

Minnesota @ Philadelphia: I hear that Vick guy is kind of good. If Favre plays there's over a 50% chance that a national TV audience will see somebody actually get killed on the football field.

New Orleans @ Atlanta: This game lost a lot of luster when the Saints lost last week, but both teams need a win to lock up a playoff berth/HFA. In what is probably an NFC Divisional Playoff preview, I like Matty Ice to do what he does best, and win the game in the 4th quarter. This kid has ice water in his veins. The next Tom Brady imo.

Back After a LONG Absence

Apologies to my readers for my extenuated absence. The combination of dealing with my crazy family, a miserable semester, and a lack of motivation to blog were all contributing factors to said absence. But I hope that this break will give me the time and motivation to get back to doing what made this blog pretty fucking awesome for about 6 months there. Enjoy and Happy Holidays!