Thursday, December 31, 2009

NFL Week 17 Preview

Your fantasy season should be over, unless you're in a points league, or your commish is a fucking idiot and had the Championship in Week 17, so just sit back, relax, and enjoy the games. For fans of bad teams, you almost want your team to lose so they can get a better draft pick, but IDGAF, YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME, and I hope the Chiefs bury Denver, although they probably won't.

In the NFC, all 6 spots have been clinched, and it's a mere fight for positioning. The winner of the Eagles-Cowboys game (GAME OF THE WEEK) wins the division, and if the Eagles win they win a first-round bye as well, thanks to Minnesota's impossible collapse. If Dallas wins, well there's a bunch of scenarios and 3 different teams who can win that bye, but I don't want to get into all of that. The Saints have clinched the 1 seed, and Green Bay is a Wild Card, that's set in stone.

In the AFC, it's Indy 1 San Diego 2, NE/Cincy 3-4 not that it matters who gets which, and an insane crazy clusterfuck as there are 7 teams fighting for the 2 wild card spots. No way in hell am I going to even try to begin to comprehend all the different scenarios, Denver alone has 10 Different scenarios in which they get in. Just know that the Jets (vs. Cincy) and the Ravens (at Oak) control their destiny and neither game is a layup. The Jets game all comes down to whether Cincy plays their studs, and for how long, whereas the Raiders have played well of late, and are always tough at home.

Winners in Bold (10-6 last week, 134-73 for the season)

Colts @ Bills
Saints @ Panthers
Jaguars @ Browns
Bears @ Lions
Patriots @ Texans
Steelers @ Dolphins
Giants @ Vikings
49ers @ Rams
Falcons @ Bucs
Packers @ Cardinals
Eagles @ Cowboys
Chiefs @ Broncos
Ravens @ Raiders
Redskins @ Chargers
Titans @ Seahawks
Bengals @ Jets

The Best and Worst of 2009

Another year in the books, here's the wrapup. Have a safe, happy, drunken, sex-filled evening everybody! Remember to designate a driver/call a cab, and of course, wrap it up.

Best Moment: Mark Loretta, the forgotten 25th man singles home Casey Blake to propel the Dodgers to an impossible improbable 3-2 win over the Cardinals in Game 2 of the NLDS. Kershaw-Wainwright was one hell of a duel, but the Dodgers take advantage of a Matt Holliday error to take a 2-0 series lead. Being at the game kind of helped. Hugging random strangers and screaming and yelling in the parking lot for the next hour FTW!

Worst Moment: Game 4 of the NLCS. Don't want to talk about it, lets just say that day will haunt me from here to eternity.

Best Game: Detroit Tigers-Minnesota Twins one game playoff. Quite possibly the most electric and intense baseball game I have ever seen, that had a little bit of everything in it. Nonstop suspense the entire game, with fervent rallies every half inning, and sick sick clutch plays made at every turn. Very honorable mention: The Super Bowl

Worst Game: Dallas Cowboys-Washington Redskins really both of the matchups. Talk about unentertaining slopfests. I'm a fan of good defensive football, but these games were just flat out boring as hell.

Most Underrated Chick: Zooey Deschanel. Absolutely <3 her, very talented, and just cute and in her own way.

Most Overrated Chick: Ohh boy I'm about to lose all the straight male readership, but Angelina Jolie. I mean don't get me wrong, she's hawt, and I'd insta hit it, but she's definitely not in that top class of hot celebrity women, and tattoos on chicks really DON'T do it for me.

Best Individual Performance: Larry Fitzgerald 2009 NFL Playoffs. 4 Games, at least 100yards + 1 TD in every game, for a total of 627 yards, and 7 Fucking Touchdowns. The man single handedly willed his team to within 30 seconds, and a miraculous Santonio Holmes TD of a Championship, and *not so hidden brag* has been the cornerstone of back to back fantasy championships for your truly.

Worst Individual Performance (tie): Jake Delhomme and JaMarcus Russell. Delhomme for 5 INT's + a fumble in the Panthers' playoff loss to the Cardinals, and then a season of futility and turnovers this season. The Panthers are a good QB away from being an elite team, just see what they've done with Matt Freakin Moore at the helm. JaMarcus Russell just for being the lol biggest bust since Ryan Leaf.

Best Politician of the Year: LOL

Worst Politician of the Year: Message: ERROR: Too much data to calculate properly

Best Player on a Bad Team (three way tie): Zack Grinke + Jamaal Charles + Joshua Cribbs. If you've seen any of these guys play, then you know how insanely gifted and talented all three of these players are. If any of these guys played for a good team, they would be household names/superstars.

Worst Player on a Good Team: LOL Milton Bradley. Talk about an insane waste of God-given talent. The man not only was spewtastically awful on the field, but helped bring down the NL's best team from a year before. Good luck Seattle, you're going to need it.

Greatest Drunken Escapade: Very tough category (a) Because I don't remember most of the greatest times and (b) There were a bunch of good moments this year, but no elite standout moment like the first time in Vegas, or giving random chicks the Queen of Hearts and the Queen of Diamonds in a desperate attempt to get laid. With that being said, I'm going to go with the whole Vegas trip, just because we were all perma drunk there. Getting thrown in the pool by crazy drunk women + everybody kind of getting lost and not remembering what happened + consuming like 378794978 stripper/hooker cards and said cards somehow ending up in Woman's travel bag (I still don't know how that happened) + Randomly "interviewing" everybody I ran into up and down the Vegas strip, and the conversation that I had with the brothers, ohh + trying to jump off the outdoor escalator on a dare. Great times all.

Worst Drunken Escapade: I don't want to talk about it.

Most Super Awesome Thing that Happened in 2009: Two of my best friends in the world getting engaged. Congrats again you two. The dinner was great, the planning and execution were exceptional (hey I managed not to fuck up by first best man duty), and the after party was fun as hell.

Worst UnSuper Awesome Thing that Happened in 2009: Two of my best friends in the world getting engaged for reasons that have been discussed at length many many many times.

Best Movie of 2009: Inglourious Basterds. Hope I'm not forgetting anything, but this one had me hooked from start to finish. Great story, fantastic dialogue, and just blood-curdling tension the entire time. The opening scene may be the best opening scene in any movie I've ever seen, and the actor who played Landa, the German Colonel better win a fucking Oscar.

Worst Movie of 2009: Twilight New Moon and its not even close. Thoroughly unentertaining, a bunch of emo crying bullshit, an unattractive female lead, a bunch of half-naked guys running around, with NO FUCKING half-naked chicks to balance it out, and possibly the most uninteresting story in human history. Seriously, who the fuck cares about these fucktards and what happens to them?

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

If Anybody Can Figure Out

What the Fuck I was trying to say in the last post...there is something VERY FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU! Probably the most bizarre assortment of words like ever, and obviously done with the assistance of some alcohol.

When the Moderator

Says that He Has no Idea what is Going on....

He Really Has no Idea What is Going On! No Bullshit, not trying to get any kind of welfare assistance, just trying to comprehend the situation, which obviously is that I along with all the other single douchefucks in the world are mother fucking morons, and need to avoid the single brothers out there, LOL this, umm obviously you fuckheads are still trapped, I will try and rescue you, but at this point, I'm actually putting my safety ahead of yours.

Hillary + Heather!!!

Not going to lie, I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what the past two posts were saying, I am somewhat confident that they were talking trash on you, and if they were, then I am sorry. Please Do Not Hurt me! You both know that I love you females, and would do anything to protect you, and I Fucking Mean that! Love you both!

The Moderator

- Officially has no fucking clue what the fuck is going on
- Could care less
- Has a 100% priority concern with finding a semi-attractive female with whom to have sexual intercourse this New Year's Evening
- Really hopes that no matter what else happens, this message fucks over the one person that it really deserves to fuck over. Aww fuck there's no reason to keep pretending about anymore bullshit. Woman and Woman you can come out of the woodworks now, just know that any and all bachelor parties will not entail any worse information than these missions entailed!

It Would Greatly Please Me

if someone would tell me what the flying fuck happened to the last hour, because I could not have the slightest fucking clue. Man up, and stop being a bitch, because I've got all the booze in the world right in front of me faggots. Aww...well played if you're still with me, that means that (1) YOU are TEH GHEY! (2) You are worthy of the woman that you are dating because you could keep pace with the single horny bastard that is marc1313. Congrats, you're probably a salad tosser, but if you're not, then your woman should trust you forever. Cool Story Bro!

Saying Something Nice About All My Subscribers

Well it's still kind of the holiday season, so I'm going to say something nice about all of my subscribers, in the reverse order in which you subscribed. Regardless of what I say here, just know that I love you all, even if you weren't a subscriber, as each of you have all had a significant impact on my life.

Jeff: Dude man LONG time no see brother. We must change that, how are the drums going these days? No homo, but everytime I hear Jack's Mannequin, I think about you. Alright that's pretty homo, yea go fuck yourself everybody!

Erika: So so happy for you and Jose. I wish you guys a lifetime of happiness together, and to be honest, you should really have a blog of your own for the rest of us to enjoy, something a little less misogynistic.

Chris: Doubt there's a better sports mind on here than you. While I very frequently disagree with your opinions, particularly in regards to your opinions regarding the Colts' pursuit of perfection, I still respect your opinions and ideas. Sorry I've been so MIA regarding college football this season, or we'd have more to talk about.

Ahron: You sir are the younger brother that I never had. We give each other a bunch of shit, but you're still the man, and I respect the fact that you challenge my beliefs and opinions every step of the way, so that I don't get any sense of invincibility. I wish you got more into the NFL, but your growing allegiance to Dodger Blue has definitely been a nice development.

Ann "Mom": Thank you again for inviting and having me for Christmas Eve Dinner. Your meal was fanstastic, and our little gift exchange was the LOL super awesome laugh of the decade. You have done the best job any parent ever could do in raising Super Homo, but inevitably, some people are simply beyond all repair. Dude if you're reading this, seriously bro, how are you not a fucking subscriber? Don't give me that I couldn't figure out how bullshit, because your fiancee and mom somehow figured out how to.

Hillary: WOMAN!!! You are super awesome, and have been one of my best friends for as long as I have know you. I thank you for being so cool to me even when at many times I've been a super douche, and I promise that I will always have your back. "Just Kidding" and honking my horn in tunnels have become a part of my repertoire because of you, <3 you WOMAN!

Heather: Sigh this is going to be difficult X 1904329904 to write. Ok well Woman, despite all the shit that I give you, you really are super awesome, and even though I am still convinced, no 100% sure that you are marrying a ghey, if Super Homo is indeed is straight, he *moderator cringes in massive pain* couldn't do better. Yea yea you're awesome Woman, stop flattering yourself and go back to eating your salad.

Ryan: You sir are my brother, and have been for the past 10 years. We've been through a lot of shit together, but we've been better for it sir. New Year's Eve should be fucking awesome, but dude you better be a fucking good wingman, even though Hillary will be there. I don't give a fuck, the moderator needs you and Woman's assistance in getting laid.

Big Juan: Dude you're the older brother that I never had. You've always been there for me fucking cabron. Like me, you need to not drink so much, but ehh who the fuck cares, just don't fuck shit up with your kids, and you're all good brother. Hope those fucking cabron Dodgers don't fuck us in the ass again this season.

Mrs. Owen: To my first and most loyal subscriber, what can I possibly say? From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your loyal readership, and constant support of my blog. It really does mean a lot to me, and to be honest your subscribing has helped keep me in line to a certain extent. Thank you very much, my super homo friend is lucky to have you as an in-law, and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE X 9842848902809 be sure to give him a VERY VERY VERY hard time, because his super homo ass certainly deserves it.

Things that Should ALWAYS have an LOL before them

- Basketball
- Marriage
- Africa
- Dodgers
- Women....just kidding, <3 you moms and girlfriends, please don't hurt me

The Mother Fucking RETURN of Drunk Blogging

- Still pissed at missing the aforementioned final table
- No driving duties tomorrow morning
- Health is rounding into shape
- Haven't gotten drunk in like over a month, so this is WAY I have to get myself in shape so to speak for New Year's Eve, I don't want to be "that guy" who passes out at like 11pm. Need to get my body and liver back into prime drinking shape.
- Those of you who bore with me through the christmas story, deserve the return of marc1313 at his finest, which is drunk and going insane crazy posting ra tarded nonsense.

Helpful Hints to Make This New Year's Eve Better

- Throw aside all sense of sanity and just fucking drink, and when you can't drink anymore, DRINK SOME MORE!!! Stop being a pussy and GO!

- Have a plan. It's New Year's Eve, you better not be fucking driving first of all, and have a plan in place or you're most likely going to be royally fucked.

- Stay unattached. New Year's Eve= TONS of single, desperate, and hornyness out there. This is NOT the night to have a significant other. Pretty much the greatest singles night ever, because EVERYONE is going to be shitfaced wasted, and looking to get some.

- Make sure you have a nice dinner. The key to not throwing up and avoiding a hangover is: (a) making sure that you don't drink on an empty stomach (b) taking one advil before going to bed (c) not being a fucking pussy, and being able to handle your liquor. For the record, I have 3 times been a pussy in my drinking career, twice due to drinking 90 degree shot of Captain Morgan with my nemesis, and once due to drinking like somewhere in the vicinity of half a bottle of vodka + some random shots in a one hour period.

- STOP WORRYING!!! You look fine whatever you're wearing, and for fuck's sake by the middle of the night, nobody is going to be able to tell/care what you're wearing/look like anyways. Just go out, get drunk, get laid, and have fucking fun. If you wake up on some random stranger's front lawn in a city 30 miles from where you started the night, who the fuck cares? Just call a cab, and chalk that up as you had one hell of a good time.

- HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY! Hope you all have a super awesome weekend, and as always, GET DRUNK AND GET LAID!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Breaking My No Poker Rule

Because I hate talking about "serious stuff" and you all have your own problems, but I just have to vent, because there's just nothing sicker than final table bubbling (10th place) a tournament. Entered the final 2 tables with the chip lead, made a crazy river call with 3rd pair on a bet that was either the nuts or a stone cold bluff. I went with my instincts that said stone cold bluff because I ALWAYS trust my instincts (and they're usually right...can't tell you how many crazy river calls I've correctly made with bottom pair, ace high, or even worse), but this time I was wrong. Still was 2nd in chips, but went insanely card dead, picked up some small pots here and there, until my QQ lost to AJ all in pre-flop for 2nd place in chips. He spiked 2 aces of course, and I was out in 10th. Still not a bad payday, but God I wanted a fucking win so badly. Still deep in another tourney with a ton of chips, so hopefully I take it down.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Something That Tilts Me

Running into chicks that I knew a long time ago, but didn't really pay attention to/wasn't all that nice to, who are now out of this fucking world Hawt! Happens all the time, and makes me want to get in a time machine, go back in time, and stab 5-18 year old marc1313 in the fucking face, and kick him in the nuts for being such a stupid fucktard.

Fuck You Jim Caldwell

- For those of you who don't know, Jim Caldwell is the head coach of the Colts, who had a perfect 14-0 season going, and were UP by 5 points halfway through the 3rd quarter at home today, when Jim Caldwell inexplicably removed the starters from the game, due to "fear of injury", after which the backups blew the game and the perfect season.

- I had no real or fantasy football interest in that game, and to be honest I don't really like the Jets, but this was an unreal epic pussy move by Caldwell. You Play to win the FUCKING GAME! Your stud players have made it through 14 games uninjured, and you have a fucking bye week to rest your players, even after next week's game.

- You are UNDEFEATED! Where's the fucking sense of pride at finishing a season unbeaten. The Jets are fighting for their playoff lives, and there are 5 teams behind them who really needed them to lose today. Guess you could give two shits about that, and I hope when those teams play you later on down the road, they beat the ever living shit out of you.

- I actually like the Colts players, but now I really hope that they lose in the divisional playoffs, and I seriously hope they go 0-16 for however many years it takes for Jim Caldwell to get fired and never be allowed to coach football again. This disgusting act of cowardice should not go unpunished, and makes me want to throw up. Herm Edwards may have been a terrible X's and O's guy, but at least he was a fucking MAN, and I'll go to battle with him over your pussy ass anyday. Can't imagine there's a single member of your team who has any respect for you after today. Once again, GO FUCK YOURSELF JIM CALDWELL! YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

This is Why I Don't Watch the News!

Because it's fucking garbage, and reminds me how fucked up and retarded human beings can be, and are. Dude Red: seriously bro? I mean I am all for the concept of open relationships, and who people sleep with is none of mine or anybody else's fucking business, but THIS is so fucking wrong on so so so many levels, and my heart really goes out to his soon to be ex-wife. Looks like it's time for me to find a new favorite actor. When Morgan Freeman ceases to be cool, you know the world has gone wrong.

One Hell of a Fucking Awesome Date Idea

Probably, no definitely the greatest idea in the history of mankind, LESBIAN BAR/CLUB!

Why this is super awesome for the ladies:

- Don't have to worry about getting hit on by douchebag guys, although if you're hawt you might get hit on by other chicks, but hey that might be kind of refreshing right?
- Just get to kick back and relax with your significant other and a bunch of other women

Why this is super awesome for the guys:

- Hot chicks making out with each other and grinding on each other all night. There really shouldn't be any need to list any other reasons, but in case you're a faggot, I will.
- Don't have to worry about your woman getting hit on by douchebags
- If you play you're cards right, and your woman is open-minded, you may score that ever elusive mother fucking threesome

Some Pretty Awesome Youtube Finds

No embedding allow. Just copy/paste and watch.

A Movie Review: "Sherlock Holmes"


- Fantastic overall rapport between the two main characters, Holmes and Watson: they really build off of each other, as well as amongst all the secondary characters.
- Great story that kept you thoroughly engaged for pretty much the entire time
- Solid soundtrack/background music to build suspense throughout the film
- Kick ass fight scenes...loved all the slow-mo scenes that was just so so sick
- Rachel McAdams looking fine as always, and her character was great as well. Nothing sexier than a woman who can kick your ass.
- Wonderful character development, with characters that you really wanted to root for. The scene where Sherlock meets Watson's soon to be fiancee is just priceless.


- The villain was not a very strong character imo. He didn't enhance the story very much. Let me elaborate without trying to spoil the movie. Good-great villains either (a) Develop a relationship with the hero that enhances the story and takes on a life on its own ala Hans Gruber-John McClane in Die Hard or (b) Is so despicable and hatable that your hatred of this person engages you further into the movie ala Longshanks in Braveheart or Col. Tavington in The Patriot. This villain had neither imo, and while he wasn't bad, it was the weak link in an otherwise great film.

- We need to see MORE of Rachel McAdams both in terms of developing her character through screentime, as well as the well you know the other sense. We came ohh so close, only for the cocksucking fuckhead director to just give us the ultimate tease. Rated FUCKING R ONE FUCKING TIME PLEASE!

Verdict: Must See, Would See Again in the Theatres....3.5 stars out of 4

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas Everybody!

Hope you all get everything you want, and just have a generally awesome day with your family and friends.

Fantasy Football Championship Preview

Of course if you have any specific sit/start decisions, just call me, I'm always willing to give my opinion. I myself have a tough quandry at RB, have to choose two between:

Grant vs. Sea
Charles vs. Cin
Thomas vs. TB
Maroney vs. Jax
Harrison vs. Oak

Anways here are some studs/duds of the week, although the best advice that I could give to you would be: DON'T BENCH YOUR STUDS and DON'T BENCH PEYTON MANNING! They are what got you here, and what carry your team. Favre and Brees I'm a bit worried about, especially if/when they get out to big leads early, but the Colts should be in for a dogfight, and Manning simply CANNOT be benched. Regardless of matchup, you never know when they might go off, and have one of those magical games like DeAngelo did against the Giants in last year's fantasy championship weeks, and single handedly win you your matchup.

Championship Week Studs (of non-auto starters obv.)

- Vince Young
- Justin Gage
- Whoever ATL's starting/feature RB is...monitor the situation this weekend
- Carson Palmer and Cedric Benson
- Jerome Harrison
- Any and every Packer you can get your hands on, including their defense
- Laurence Maroney
- Mike Sims-Walker
- Beanie Wells + Arizona Defense
- 49ers Defense
- Austin Collie + Pierre Garcon...Revis should have Wayne on lockdown, freeing things up for these two

Championship Week Duds

- Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez
- Knowshown Moreno
- DeSean Jackson (not saying bench him, but Denver's D is NOT going to give up the big 60 yard TD to him)
- Ben Roethlisberger and Rashard Mendenhall
- Steven Jackson
- Reggie Wayne
- Matt Forte
- Brett Favre and Percy Harvin

Week 16 NFL Preview

Winners in Bold (8-8 last week, 124-67 for the season)

Some big games this weekend that will go a long way to determining the NFC East, and both wild card titles. Should be a fun Sunday, here are the picks.

Chargers @ Titans
Bills @ Falcons
Chiefs @ Bengals
Raiders @ Browns
Seahawks @ Packers
Texans @ Dolphins
Panthers @ Giants
Jaguars @ Patriots
Bucs @ Saints
Broncos @ Eagles
Ravens @ Steelers
Rams @ Cardinals
Lions @ 49ers
Jets @ Colts= Upset Special, the tough Jets defense finally plays a full 60 minutes with their playoff hopes hanging in the balance, and the Colts mail this one in. Losing might actually be the best thing for them, relieving themselves of the undefeated pressure.
Cowboys @ Redskins
Vikings @ Bears


One of the most important days of the year, the one we look forward to all year, and have been anxiously awaiting for the past four months. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am indeed talking about the beginning of the fantasy football championships. Best of luck to everybody in their matchups, and take this bish down. Full matchup reports along with NFL previews in the post above.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

A Christmas Story Final Chapter

Chapter 10

December 24, 2009

Rachel woke up the next morning, to a minor disturbance. Mike isn't in bed, so she gets out and sees what's going on, and finds Charlie in Mike's face yelling and screaming at him.

"You Mother Fucker! Who the fuck do you think you are, you son of a bitch. Hey I'm talking to you" Charlie shouts as Mike is trying to leave.

"Hey Charlie!!! Stop it! What the hell is going on you two!" Rachel grumpily shouts

"Mike, why don't you tell her?" Charlie demands

"Rach, ummm I've gotta go, take care" Mike quickly replies.

"Ok, umm call me then" Rachel queries, as Mike hastily leaves.

"You cocksucker Mother Fucker!" Charlie shouts at him while he leaves,

"No, what's going on here?" Rachel demands.

Charlie sits her down, trying to console her: "Rachel, he doesn't care about you, he doesn't love you, and all that shit that you said to you about romance, was just a con to get you to sleep with him."

"No. NO! NO!" Rachel worries, grabbing for her phone to call Mike. She frantically starts calling him repeatedly, but the calls go straight to voicemail. Charlie hugs her, trying to console her, as she begins to lose control, and eventually locks herself in her room and cries her misery away.

She spends the rest of her day in there, while Charlie brings her breakfast and lunch, trying to comfort her, and then goes out for a few hours to run some last minute Christmas errands for the Christmas party that they host for their friends and family the next day.

Rachel, still heartbroken has to continue the tradition that her parents had started for her so many years ago, if nothing else, to honor their memory, although her heart was broken, and was not into skating at the moment. She got dressed, and hailed a cab down to Central Park. She got there, and sat down on a bench just outside the rink, where she strapped her blades on. Obviously not being able to take a purse with her, she pulled out her little mini girls wallet, took out the photo of her parents, kissed it, said "this is for you Mom and Dad" and went out on the rink her for annual skate.

She stepped onto the rink, and was met with a familiar face.

"What are you doing here?" Rachel asks Charlie who looks crazy awkward trying to stand up straight in his skates.

"I just wanted to give you your Christmas present a day early." he responds handing her a small package in the shape of a book.

She unwraps the present holding him up as he almost falls down: "bend you knees you klutz, you look like a fucking giraffe the way you're all upright"

"Shut up and open it" he responds playfully

She opens it and discovers it's his black book: "What the hell am I going to do with this?!" she demands.

"Open it up, it's yours, I have no need for this anymore" Charlie replies.

She opens the book up, the pages are all torn out, with a square cut open in the center of the book, containing an engagement ring. Charlie drops to one knee:

"Rachel Summers: For the past 25 years, you've been my best friend, and the only thing in my life that made any sense. You've stood by me when any other girl would have walked away, and it took the biggest douchebag in human history for me to realize how much I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and only you, because with you, I have nothing and am nothing. So...will you marry me?"

Rachel in a total state of shock: "Wait, how did you, when did you?"

"This afternoon, when I went out. These past few weeks, I've just felt differently, I've felt..."

"Human?" Rachel responded

"Yea...that's the word. I'm sick of seeing you get hurt, you deserve a happy ending, but even more than that, you're the only thing in my life that makes any sense, and well we're great together." he continued..."So, will you"

Rachel overcome with emotion, saw the little 5 year old boy who had helped rescue her snowman, and had always been there for her, finally growing up, and naturally responded: "Of course Charlie, of course". They kiss long and passionately, as Charlie slips the ring onto Rachel's ring finger.

"Now what?" Rachel asks.

"Well I heard you have this little Christmas Eve tradition, so I figured it was time I joined the fun." Charlie answers

"Now that, is the greatest Christmas gift of all" Rachel tearfully answers. Rachel and Charlie skate for the first of many times as a happy couple in the middle of Central Park, and for the first time in both of their lives, each of them was really and truly happy. While they are but only two people in a city of 8 million, no two people in the great city could have been happier than these two in response to this Christmas Eve miracle.

Closing Notes:

- If you have someone this near and dear to you, turn to them now, or call them NOW, and tell them what they mean to you. Fuck Valentine's Day, Christmas is the most romantic holiday. Yes I attack relationships all the time, but if you can make it work, and I know plenty of you who have, then just know that it's the most wonderful thing in the world, and seeing my friends make relationships work is inspiring X 432800894. To those of you who are alone this Christmas, yes you're a loser, JOIN the FUCKING CLUB and join me for some scotch.

- This was a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR challenge for a single, horny, anti-mushy gushy guy to write. That said, it actually was kind of fun to write at times, I had my outline written from the beginning and that part of it I really liked. The execution was VERY bleh, but ehh I'm not a fucking professional or anything, so stop complaining.

- Hailing one of the suggestions that I got from the murder mystery story, I really tried to focus on character development. I intentionally never once described what the characters looked like, because it shouldn't matter. The characters look like what you the reader want them to look like, but it is their actions and their character that are important. I wanted this story to be about the journey that the characters took in the story, and how life can't be planned out neatly, but just happens.

- Mrs. Owen you told me that you didn't want Rachel to end up with Charlie, but I hope that you found the resolution satisfying. Throughout the story, I tried (but probably failed) especially through some of the flashback scenes to show that Charlie is at heart a good guy with previously fucked up priorities, who ultimately does the right thing, and Rachel as the obviously perfect heroine (she's a nurse, which auto makes her SF dreamy + awesome), have I mentioned how much I <3 nurses.

- I hope that you all enjoyed the story. Merry Christmas to you ALL! I love each and every one of you, and wish you nothing but the best. Now stop reading this fucking garbage, and go spend some time with your family and friends.

A Christmas Story Chapter 9

Alright no time to get in depth, and this part can actually kind of afford to be a bit abbreviated, so just bear with me, while this chapter is short, everything has its purpose, and everything that has happened from here to now is significant, building towards the ultimate conclusion.

Chapter 9

December 14-23, 2009

Rachel spends the next few days calling and texting Mike to no end, and yapping about him at every chance that she can get, to the point that she borderline begins to annoy Patty. Charlie on the other hand, is strangely receptive, listening to her every line, and wishing her nothing but the best. Her and Mike go out again on Thursday, and then again on Saturday evening, each date going better than the previous one.

On Sunday night (the 20th, Mike drops by their place unannounced) *Doorbell rings*

Charlie and Rachel are watching the Rangers game, and Rachel answers the door to find Mike there with a bed of roses in his hands, and gives them to her: "Rachel: I just wanted to say that: I think I'm in love with you." he says handing her the roses. She drops them to the ground, and kisses him long and fervently. They eventually depart and make plans to see each other on Wednesday the 23rd.

As the door closes, Rachel grabs the roses, places them in water, and collapses on the sofa: "Go ahead give it to me" she says to Charlie.

"I'm happy for you sweetie" he answers, "you're happy, and that's all that matters to me. Glad to see this all working out" he continues as she looks at him with a look of bewilderment.

"Did I just hear what I think I heard? Charlie supporting a relationship!" Rachel queries.

"Yea, we're not getting any younger Rach. I'm glad to see that you've found someone who cares about you, and you know who's all lovey dovey like you. You've been waiting a long time for this guy, and it looks like he's finally answered your call, so that's awesome" as he extends his hand out for the ultimate fist bump.

She obliges *fist bump + blow it up* and gets back to sports, beer, pizza.

The next few days are like a blur, and Rachel quasi-annoys all of her patients and co-workers with "Mike is so great and so special" yada yada yada you know how chicks act in these situations.

Wednesday finally comes, and Mike takes her out for Chinese food, and a romantic movie, during which they each go through their laundry list of past breakups, each of them more soul-crushing than the last. The movie is a semi-blur as they spend half the time just making out, and giggling and laughing like a couple of disgusting puppy lovers.

"Am I the only one who really likes where this is going?" Rachel asks

"Rachel, you're a very special person. Now I'm sure that I love you, and yes, this has some potential to end very very well." Mike replies.

"Aww thanks, I love you too" Rachel responds (no idea if what 3 weeks is long enough for two people to officially "be in love" so "SORRRRRYYYYY" if this is technically incorrect).

After the movie, Mike drops her off, and walks her to the door, but this time Rachel invites him in. He obliges, and they both give a quick what's up to Charlie who's immersed in Sports Center as Rachel grabs Mike's hand, and rushes him to her bedroom, where ummm like do I really need to say it. They obviously have sex, and no I'm not going to write the sex scene you horny bastards. If you're that hot to see some action, well you clearly are on the Internet, so I suggest you go to a different kind of site.

I will say, that they have sex several times throughout the course of the night, whispering sweet nothing to each other, and doing all that other ghey couply shit as well. Eventually, they both fall asleep, Rachel in love, and feeling that this guy might finally be "the one".

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A Christmas Story Chapter 8

Yes I have lagged it really fucking badly with this story. Reasons= 33% this is so teh ghey that it pains me to write it 33% 12 hour poker days playing 6-15 tables at once makes it pretty tough to blog 33% pure laziness. Even still, I have until 7 am tomorrow to fucking finish this shit, and I hate leaving things unfinished, so it's gonna get done......Alright I've got my Whiskey Rocks, lets get started.

Recap of the Story so Far

- Hot nurse and dream woman in every way Rachel is out in New York looking for her prince charming

- Roomate/best friend/former friends with benefits/etc. it's complicated Charlie is a sports agent and major player. He always has his black book on him, which carries the numbers of numerous numerous conquests. Think Barney Stinson with the ladies meets marc1313's sports obsession/douchery

- Their best friends are married couple Tony and Patty Gonzalez who help them move through their lives and give them a stabilizing force in their lives.

- Rachel meets patient Mike who may just be the one. Love at first sight kind of bullshit. Once he is recuperated they agree to go out.

- Charlie makes uber douche comment of the year but later apologizes and tries to make amends, which Rachel accepts.

- Rachel turns down Giants-Eagles luxury box seats for a date with Mike


Sunday December 13, 2009

For Rachel Summers the big day had arrived. Mike had called and planned to come pick her up at 6 for their big dinner date. She started getting ready around two, right as Tony came over to pick up Charlie to go the Giants game.

*Doorbell rings*

Charlie rushes to the door.

"DUDE! FUCKING EAGLES NIGHT MAN!" Charlie exclaims as he and Tony high five, chest bump, and Charlie rushes back to his room to grab the tickets.

"Now are you sure you don't want to go Rach" Tony asks.

"Yea I really like this guy. Thanks though Tony, you guys have fun" Rachel answers

Charlie comes back out into the living room, hesitates, and gives Rachel a hug.

"Good luck Rach" he posits backing away to look her in the eye: "I hope this guy is everything you've ever dreamed of"

"Thanks Charlie, you guys have fun now. FUCK THE EAGLES!"

"FUCK THE EAGLES!" The guys chant in unison walking out the door.

Rachel rushes, feeling that four hours may not be enough time to get ready, I mean like OMG she still has to shower 25 times, curl her hair then straighten it, then double her weight in the application of makeup. She barely finishes in time, as Mike rings the bell at 6pm precisely.

She answers it. "Hey Mike. Long time no see." they both laugh although I don't know why, it wasn't that funny. They hop into Mike's 7 Series (that's a top of the line BMW fwiw) and begin a short drive to Mike's favorite first date restaurant, a little Italian restuarant in Lower Manhattan. As they are seated, like a perfect gentleman, Mike pulls Rachel's chair out for her, and seats her, as the waiter hands them their menus.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The rest of this chapter will be filled with pure conjectures of how first dates and first date conversation goes, since well why lie, the only advanced conversations the author has had with the female gender have either: (a) occurred in bars/clubs/school so naturally ended very very badly or (b) occurred in strip clubs, so naturally ended very very well.

"So Mike, you know all about me and my job, but what do you do to afford a 7 Series?"

"I'm a stockbroker"

"Hmm..well I know nothing about that world" Rachel replies

"It's okay, I don't really like mixing business with pleasure. I kind of hate my job to be honest, but as you can see it more than pays the bills, so I can't afford to leave it either. So how did you end up becoming a nurse?"

"Well my parents died in the 9/11 attack, and that kind of..."

"Ohh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to"

Rachel puts her hands up: "It's no problem, don't worry about it. Anyways, after that, I was determined to help people, and yea it doesn't pay a lot of money, but I'm doing fine, and my roommate has always helped me out when I've had any kind of problems"

"Well you're lucky to have her then. That's what friends are for" Mike answers

"Ohh no. You're mistaken, it's a guy, my best friend since well forever."

" I assume?"

"Noooo...far from it. Just a major player. We tried to make things work once, but he's just not the relationship type, and I'm definitely looking for something more."

"Well as am I" Mike responds.

"So you're a fellow hopeless romantic"

"Yes indeed Rachel, that I am. I've had my share of bad breakups, but after this accident, I'm determined. Whether its you or someone else, to make a relationship work."

Rachel nods in agreement, and this getting to know each other small talk continues for the next hour, as Mike munches on his lasagna, and Rachel works on her lemon chicken. While Mike is not the sports fanatic that Rachel is (work is his life), they both share the same views on romance, and seem optimistic that they can build off of that.

After dinner, Mike drives her home, and walks her up to the front door.

"Well I had a great night Rachel. I'd love to do this again sometime soon." he suggests

"Sure, I'm off Thursday, would you be down for Thursday night?"

"Yea that sounds good, I'll call you" he replies. He begins to walk away, when she calls him back: "Mike?" and then she passionately kisses him good night. A kiss that they both respond to positively (like through body language). Rachel walks into the front door happy as a clam, and collapses on the sofa with that puppy dog love look on her face.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

NFL Week 15 Review

A lot of things got clarified this weekend, 5 of the 8 divisional races have been locked up, 2 have been all but locked up, and the playoff seedings have pretty much been determined, with the Eagles and Vikings still fighting for the #2 seed in the NFC. Still, there is much to be determined in the final 2 weeks, including: the Colts' pursuit of perfection, Chris Johnson's pursuit of 2000 rushing yards (needs 270 in 2 games to get there, and I'm NOT betting against him), the NFC East race, the Cowboys, Packers, and Giants fighting for the 2 NFC wild card slots, and the INSANE clusterfuck that is the AFC Wild Card race, with 8 teams battling for two spots. The Broncos and Ravens are each a game ahead, but each have TOUGH matchups this weekend (@PHI, @PIT).

- Mad props to Tony Romo, DeMarcus Ware and the Dallas Cowboys for ending the Saints' run at perfection, and keeping their NFC East hopes alive. They play at Washington next weekend on Sunday night, and the Skins coming off a humiliating loss to the Giants should be ready for what will be their de facto Super Bowl. Should be a War in D.C.

- Jags give the Colts a run, but Peyton Manning's 4TD's are too much. Jacksonville's skid, and Denver's inexplicable and unforgivable loss at home to Oakland and JaMarcus Russell have helped create the AFC Wild Card mess.

- Minnesota looked AWFUL at Carolina, and trouble may be a brewing in the Twin Cities. Who's in charge, Childress or Favre? Three straight dud games for Adrian Peterson is a major problem, and I'm liking the Eagles' chances to win the NFC title more and more by the minute.

- The Green Bay-Pittsburgh game was UNREAL. Such sick performances by both quarterbacks (highly doubt any player in the NFL is more grossly underrated than Aaron Rodgers). Almost 4000 yards on the year, 28 TD's + 4 rushing TD's, and only 7 INT's, all behind one of the worst lines in the NFL. Still Big Ben made the big plays at the end, keeping Pittsburgh's playoff chances alive, although both teams have to be deeply disturbed about their defenses' inabilities to slow down or in any way contain strong offenses.

- Great effort and great comeback from the heart-broken Bengals, but the Chargers were just too much at the end. San Diego continues to roll, clinching the #2 seed, but don't count these Bengals out yet. With their defense, and a very balanced attack, they can go on the road, and upset anybody in the playoffs.

- Absolutely unreal performaces across the board in the Cleveland-KC game. Nice to finally see the offense click, but the defense and special teams put up an epic fail on beyond epic proportions, surrendering TWO 100+ yard kickoff return TD's to Joshua Cribbs, who is THE BEST PLAYER nobody has heard of, and 286 yards + 3TD's to Jerome Harrison. Mad props to both players for their record-breaking days, and just another LOL bad day for the 2009 Chiefs. Still looking at the upside, Jamaal Charles IS this year's DeAngelo Williams, with another 150 yard day, and his 6th straight game in which he has reached paydirt. The playmakers on both sides of the ball are in place, but so much improvement needs to be made in the draft, free agency, and the development of our young players on both the offensive and defensive lines for us to be competitive next year.

Monday, December 21, 2009


- There are several different male viewpoints on this controversial subject, so I'm here to settle through all the riftraff, and give the bottom line no bullshit truth.

- The religious right will argue that homosexuality is wrong and immoral, and yes while it is not natural, and I'm totally against male homoness (although it's still none of the govt's fucking business and ghey marriage should be legalized), but the concept of a chick and another chick together is just too fucking HAWT for me not to love it.

- Some guys will be against lesbianism, because it's a waste of two perfectly hawt chicks, and while that is true, but there's nothing saying that you still can't join in one the fun. Let's just do some math here: lesbos probably are going to enjoy masculine activities such as sports and beer. Strike up a good conversation, be respectful, but assertive at the same time, and who knows, you may score threesome.

- Some guys may argue that yea it's kind of hawt, but it's not really for me. This argument is just the ghey and needs to be discarded immediately. Two girls going at it is just all kinds of unreal hawtness, and no straight man should EVER be anything but 100% supportive of these super awesome women.

- Bottom line: Two chicks going at it, even just making out is so unbelievably hawt, even if they aren't lesbians. Just recalling that episode of friends where Rachel and Monica make out to get their apartment back (FUCK YOU X 10000000000 NBC and FUCKING MORALITY POLICE for not letting the actual kiss air. Well doubt that was NBC's fault, I mean could you imagine the fucking ratings a make-out session between Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox would have gotten?). Lesbians (excluding Rosie O'Donnell and the butch angry fuck all men ones) are just so incredibly super awesome, and have my support all day and twice on Sunday.

Why Bachelor Parties are Okay but Bachelorette Parties are NOT Okay!

- Women have the wedding. That is YOUR party! Anywhere from 10-1000 people there just to see you in a white dress.

- Guys pretty much have zero say in the wedding, so this is the Groom's party, and a way for him and his buddies to celebrate the best way that guys no how: by being drunk jackass morons.

- Once the marriage is official, the Woman's Life Begins (i.e. the rest of their life is the celebration), whereas the life of the Man Ends, ergo he needs a reason to celebrate before making the biggest mistake of his life. Not trying to be chauvinistic, really, but don't all chicks dream their whole lives about their wedding day, and settling down with a nice home and 2.5 kids. Guys on the other hand, as I've reiterated over and over again: Beer, Sex, Food, Sports, that's it. Marriage can be a means to obtain 2 of said items, which I guess is the reason why some men enter into said contract.

Have many more reasons that will NOT be posted, out of fear of being the victim of 1st degree murder at the hands of well just about any one of the female readers. As posted, this might be enough to have my lifeless covered body be the top story on the 6 o'clock news. LOL just LOL at the news channels trying to find a photo of me that's not going to insta reduce their ratings by 50%.

Strip Club Tips (Females Probably Should NOT read)

Memo to Moms: Obviously I have never been to a strip club in my life, because those places are just gross and repugnant, but a "friend" who has, has asked me to post these friendly tips for the general reading public in case it's 3 in the morning, and you have to take an emergency bathroom break, and lDO strip clubs and Denny's are the only places still open at 3am, and who the fuck goes to Denny's?

- Don't go to a strip club with the intention of not getting any dances. Seriously, just going to look at naked women is just beyond fucking ra tarded. Umm in case you haven't heard, there's this thing called the Internet, and on this Internet there's this thing called porn. Not that I would know obviously, but that's what I've heard.

- Bring all the cash that you intend to spend with you (pretty sure the ATM fees are outrageous there) and SET A LIMIT! It's really easy to get carried away, but setting a limit is the key, just like any vice.

- AVOID AVOID AVOID Orange County strip clubs. Yes they serve alcohol, but let's just say aww how to say this tactfully: The Women aren't as "open and friendly". If you have to drink to enjoy spending time with VERY morally flexible hot naked chicks, well then there's this place called Chippendales that might be more up your alley. City of Industry FTW!

- Wear comfortable clothing (NO JEANS!). If I have to explain this one to you, well then you have bigger problems that what you read in a stupid blog.

- Women are almost universally given free admittance, and from all accounts I've heard, couples tend to get super awesome dances. Plus most clubs have an amateur night once a week. Yea so if your woman loves the strip club scene, don't think about it, stop reading this blog NOW, and insta fucking marry her.

- Know how to say "NO". Yes it might be weird having all these hot women throwing themselves at you, but choose your strippers carefully, or you WILL get taken.

- Observe a stripper's stage dance before getting a lap dance, and get a lap dance before getting a VIP dance. If her stage dance sucks, so will her lap dance, and so on and so forth. Just exercise some common sense.

- Remember this is their JOB! Just like all the other women who reject your sorry ass at the bars and clubs, these women do not give two shits about you, and are just using/playing you to get into your wallet. The sooner you understand that, the better a patron you will be. Have fun, but be very selective and patient in choosing your dancer's or you are GOING to get taken and feel very bad about it after.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Fantasy Football Recap

- KAFUCKING BOOM! Aaron Rodgers is the FUCKING MAN! 37 fantasy points, to spark my team to a monster 132 point day, and a comfortable victory over my very tough opponent who had a big game as well.

- I get CharlieTweeder in the Championship Game, in a matchup that has been two years in the making. We finished 1-2 last year (points league), finished 1-2 in the standings, and in points this year during the regular season, split our 2 regular season matchups, and both put up obscene point totals in semis. Taking a quick look ahead, we both have some very juicy matchups for our stud players, so we both should put up huge point totals, and be sweating it out up until the last game. Can't wait.

- If you played Jerome Harrison today: congratulations you won your matchup. The bad news: it was probably the 5th place game that you won. Still 48 fantasy points, to steal the spotlight from Joshua Cribbs' unreal performance as well.

- Holy BeJesus did Rodgers-Roethlisberger go fucking apeshit today! 886 yards + 7TD's combined= zOMG!

- Best of luck to you all on Championship Sunday! I'll post a full Week 16 FFB breakdown later in the week, for those of you who care.

Fantasy Football Semifinals!

Good luck everybody! Excited and nervous at the same time, as my team is in for a dog fight. Anything less than a Championship= utter failure of a season. The injury reports say that Fitzy and Celek are both playing, so hopefully they are their usual productive selves. Hope all my borderline sit/start decisions work out. Good luck all, the prize in in sight, take this mother fucker down!

Friday, December 18, 2009

A Christmas Story Chapter 7

Chapter 7

December 8, 2009 still

As Rachel walks into Mike's room, he asks: "Where have you been? I was beginning to worry that I wasn't going to see you again."

(chuckling) "It was my day off, but I'll be here the rest of the week to take care of you, although I have to warn you, some of my patients get a little bit sick of me after a while. I'm a very demanding nurse."

"Ohh I can't imagine anyone getting sick of you" Mike replies, "it would be like getting sick of Christmas."

"Hey there's people who don't like Christmas, although I can't see how" Rachel replies.

"Yea but they're just scrooge's who are empty inside"

They continue with their playful banter and witty little flirtations throughout the week, but don't extend their conversations too far beyond that, while at the same time rehabilitating Mike to get out of the hospital before the weekend. When Mike is finally cleared to leave on Thursday evening, he pulls Rachel aside:

"Hey Rachel. Thanks for taking care of me all week. I know we haven't really gotten to know each other that well, but I'd like to. Umm...You want to get dinner sometime this weekend?" he asks

"Yea Mike, that sounds great. I'm off Sunday, how about Sunday night?"

"Sunday night works great. I know this great little Italian place a couple miles from here."

They exchange numbers, pleasantries, and agree to call each other the next day.

Meanwhile, at home, Rachel and Charlie who had both had very busy work weeks, and with some lingering tension still existing between them, had been virtual ghosts to each other all week. However, when Rachel gets home, Charlie is waiting for her. He approaches, and offers her an apology:

"Rach, I'm sorry for what I said, it was unthoughful, rude, and untrue. I should have made this apology days ago, but I just didn't know what to say, so I'm just going to say it. You're an amazing person, the best friend anyone could ever ask for, and any guy would be lucky to have you. You're going to find him, he's waiting out there for you, and when you find him, you're going to experience a happiness that you've never known before."

"Aww thanks Charlie. Look I know you didn't mean any harm, you were a little drunk and stupid, but that's all."

"So we're still cool?" he asks.

"Hey we've been friends since kindergarten. I've seen you do and say a lot of stupid shit, and we're still friends, of course we're still cool. If I didn't have you, who would I go to games with? Who would I talk sports with? What the hell would I do in all my spare time? Cook? ha. You're still the man Charles!"

They give each other the obligatory fistbump, and share a laugh.

"Alright, since we're still cool then, guess who's the most awesome friend ever?" Charlie asks, as he busts out two tickets for a luxury box suite for Sunday's Night game between the Giants and the Eagles.

Rachel swells with excitement, until she remembers her date with Mike: "Actually, I can't, you know that patient that I was telling you about?"


"Well we're kind of going out on a date this Sunday night. I mean, wow our own box. It's hard to turn that down, but, it's my only day off this weekend, and I really like this guy, so I'm going to have to pass. Take Tony instead. He'll appreciate more than me anyways." she responds.

Charlie tries to brush it off, but is clearly disappointed: "Alright I'll do that. Umm, good luck on your date Rach. I hope he's everything you're looking for."


Per their usual friday night tradition, they order wings, a pizza, and drink beer while watching all the basketball and hockey games of the evening. At halftime of the Rangers game, one of Charlie's girls gives him a ring. He looks down at the number, and puts the phone away.

"Aren't you going to answer it?" Rachel asks.

"No, it's just one of my lady friends"

"LOL "Ladies""

"Yea yea. I'm not down for that tonight. Tonight, it's just you and me" Charlie replies.

"Wow, Charles Gruber turning down sex with a morally flexible younger woman for me. I feel like I just won the lottery". Rachel snidely comments.

"Shut up and watch the game" he responds comicly throwing a finished wing at her. She throws it back at him, and they continue watching the night's games in a half-drunken state, just like they always have.

A Christmas Story Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Tuesday December 8, 2009

Rachel woke up Tuesday morning, with a renewed sense of life. While Charlie's comments had certainly hurt, she was over it, and with a light snow falling over the New York skyline, decided to walk to work today, and soak in the awesomeness that was a snowy winter in the greatest city in the world. After throwing on a coat, some earmuffs, gloves, and the full winter garb, she walked out the door, and immediately she felt like a little kid again, thinking back on all the times her and Charlie walked to school together in the snow growing up, and remembering the first time she met Charles Gruber when they were both a couple of five year olds growing up in Lower Manhattan.

December 12, 1984

It was a couple days after a particularly bad winter storm, but all the children at Leffingwell Elementary School (yes that was the name of my elementary school...way too lazy to try and think of a cool name for one and I only have an hour to write a shit ton of chapters but that's besides the point) were finally allowed to go out and play outside again, so when the recess bell rang, all the children anxiously ran outside yelling and screaming, being annoying as fuck little kids.

Rachel, who had had a hard time adjusting to school life, didn't have many friends, and was off in the corner trying to build herself a little snowman. Charlie and a few of his friends were having a snowball war, and their war eventually shifted towards Rachel's area of the playground, and an errant snowball hit her snowman.

"Hey, stop it" she shouted "you're hurting Frosty"

"What are you going to do, cry about it" replied fuckhead little kid #1

"Yes cry little girl CRY" taunted fuckhead little kid #2 as he chucked a couple snowballs right into her snowman.

Fuckhead little kids #1,2, and now 3, all proceed to throw their full arsenal at her snowman, destroying, it, causing little Rachel to start sobbing in tears. Little Charlie comes and tackles fuckhead little kid #2, yelling at them to stop it. They razz him for defending her, but are all too afraid of him to challenge him any further and walk away.

"Are you ok? Sorry about that." asks Charlie.

"No. They killed Frosty" replies Rachel as she is wiping her tears away.

"Well let's bring him back to life" replies Charlie, as he helps Rachel build a new snowman. By the time the recess period is over, their snowman is complete, they write their names in the snow, you know like an author would.

"I'm Charlie"

"Rachel. Thank you for saving Frosty." she says giving him a hug, and beginning a lifelong friendship.

Back to present day

Before she knew it, she had completed the two mile trek to work, looked over her schedule for the day, and went to see her first patient for the day. When she walked into Mike's room, and saw him again, all of her thoughts of Charlie, her childhood, and the past weekend immediately dissipated, as the future and the chance to create new memories was right in front of her.

NFL Week 15 Preview

The stretch run and fantasy football playoffs are HERE! Best of luck to all of you, my opponent of course has Peyton Manning, so I'm already in a big hole, but you never know in this crazy game. A very weak schedule this week imo, plus have tons of blog catching up to do, so no analysis this week, just the picks.

Winners in Bold (13-3 last week, 116-59 for the season)

Colts @ Jaguars= yes i had the colts coming into the game
Cowboys @ Saints
Bears @ Ravens
Patriots @ Bills - UPSET SPECIAL
Cardinals @ Lions
Browns @ Chiefs
Falcons @ Jets
49ers @ Eagles
Texans @ Rams
Dolphins @ Titans
Raiders @ Broncos
Bengals @ Chargers
Packers @ Steelers
Bucs @ Seahawks
Vikings @ Panthers
Giants @ Redskins

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The Men's Declaration of Independence

When in the course of human events, man has endured a long line of trespasses and impositions upon his free will, he has sought to overturn the source of such violations of his basic freedoms, and overthrow the tyranny that had previously forced their will upon them. Here, today, men are waging a new battle, a new struggle, and losing it very badly. This battle is not being waged on some distant battlefield, debated in a courthouse, or argued in a session of Congress. This battle is being fought in every home, every apartment, every dive bar, and every shopping mall in America. The enemy: The female gender.

I have watched women destroy the wills and livelihood of men for far too long, and on this glorious day, Wednesday, the 16th of December, in the year of our Lord 2009, I am hereby declaring myself, and any man who chooses to join me, FREE from the tyranny of women. WE MEN do not advocate violence against women UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, and those who choose that route shall be summarily disposed of. However, we do advocate a nonviolent resistance against the tyranny of WOMEN, and demand to be treated as equals in all locals, both public and private.

WOMEN, here are our list of demands, and until they are met: we will not hold your purses, we will not take you shopping, we will not do any of the girly faggot stuff that you want to do, we will not listen just because you want us to listen, and we will NOT be your slaves, getting down on our hands and needs to meet your every request.

- We want to be treated as equal partners in ALL relationships, and allowed equal say in all decisions, no matter how trivial.

- We want to be allowed to "WIN" an argument every now and then, without there being any lasting negative consequences

- Monday-Saturday the TV is yours, but on Sundays, leave us alone with our pizza, beer, and football, and STOP nagging us or telling us what to do.

- You do NOT look fat. STOP asking.

- DO NOT humiliate us in public or in front of our friends. You wouldn't like it if we did that to you.

- Yes we were checking out that hot chick. She's hawt, and we're guys, that's just the way things are. Unless you marry a ghey, that's just something you're going to have to deal with. Like you never check out other guys? Get over it, it's just looking, we're not going to do anything about it, well unless our name is Tiger Woods. zing. lol lame overused jokes FTW!

- Stop telling us everything we're doing wrong. We know that what we're doing is wrong, but we just don't care, and you bugging us isn't going to change either of those things.

My fellow men, this is your call to arms. Fight the power, fight for your rights, and ffs stand up for yourself brothers! The longer we cater to women's demands, and allow this train of abuses to continue, the worse things are going to get for you, and if you don't care about yourself, think about your sons, and grandsons, and the pain and suffering that they will have to endure, because you weren't fucking man enough to do something about it when you had the chance. Join the good fight my brothers, this fight may take years, and sex may be withheld for the duration of that war, but good news, strip clubs are open until 3-4 am in the morning. Sign on the dotted line, for every great change had to start somewhere, and this one begins here and now.

- Marc James Tokushige

The Grammatical Errors

in this blog have reached an unacceptable level. When readers are actually commenting about being annoyed by the grammatical errors (you know who you are), that's when you know it's an issue.

Problem #1: Google does spell check but no grammar check, as many of the problems are word usage problems.

Problem #2: I type these things so insanely fast, as the ideas just come to me, that mistakes are going to be made, and I'm a "hunt and peck" user, I don't type "the right way".

Problem #3: I might glance over posts for content, but rarely do grammar checks, which is odd since I almost always seem to nitpick others' grammar/spelling errors.

Anyways, to the grammar Nazi readers, and I know there are at least a couple of you, my heartfelt condolences at the pain that you have to endure every time you see word usage errors, subject/verb issues, and worse, for both our sakes I will try and do better.

New Women Laws

- Going to get your nails or hair done is NOT just another event, it's like OMG the most important day of the month.

- You must NEVER directly tell a guy that you like them, that would be slutty. Instead you must leave a bunch of subtle body language clues that they won't be able to decipher, and will leave them even more confused.

- If it tastes good, DON'T eat it.

- Comparing one's self to other females is of paramount importance.

- It is your DUTY and obligation to place your b/f and other guy friends in ridiculous situations whenever possible, primarily by asking questions that regardless of answer will result in their demise.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Two Hot Teachers

So apparently in some NYC high school, a janitor walked in on two (if you click on the link, you will see pics) hot female teachers undressed and starting to go at it, and ratted them out. Both teachers have been reassigned pending further investigation. Yes this is "news" which I hate, but it's kind of cool news, so allow me to comment.

- Mr. Janitor: Doubt you're fucking real bro. Seriously? Rat them out? I mean are you fucking serious? You are in the ULTIMATE position of leverage, and have an opportunity to accomplish what every man dreams of, but few accomplish, and you go and fuck shit up for EVERYBODY, by doing the stupidest fucking thing imaginable. Let's put all sexual issues aside, who the fuck tattles like that? They're two consenting adults, and what they're doing isn't hurting anybody, it was obviously way after hours, so there were no kids there. Seriously, are you an 8 year old girl bro? Unreal gheyness all around on the janitor's part.

- Where the fuck were these hot sex crazy teachers when I was in high school?

- If they do get fired (not going to delve into that topic as it is quasi-political), I can tell you there's going to be a long list to college-aged guys (myself included) who would be more than willing to hire them for some private tutoring.

"When We Watch Frosty the Snowman..."

"he roots for the sun". LMFAO. If you know what I'm talking about, (a) you're awesome (b) Doubt I've laughed that hard in a long time. Just a completely fucking epic one liner.

Health Update

For those of you who have been worrying about my health, here's your update. I went to the doctor today, the staples were removed, and the bleeding has pretty much stopped, so everything looks to be good from here on out *knock on wood*. There's still some like holes on the scar, which the surgeon says is ok, so I'm not going to worry about it.

Obv. still need to take it easy and not do anything stupid, but just wanted to put your minds at ease. You all have plenty more to worry about than the health of a degenerate fuckhead like me.

***Official Thank You Juan Pierre Post***

In case you haven't heard, Juan Pierre was traded today to the White Sox for two players to be named later, and cash considerations (i.e. we're eating a good chunk of his salary). This is a move that HAD to be made, as there was no room to play him, and it's just insane to have a $10 million/year bench player. While this is somewhat good news, as it almost ensures that Kemp and Ethier will be hanging around, let me give thanks on behalf of Dodger Nation to Juan Pierre.

- Yes, Ned Colletti overpaid you, but that's not your fault.
- When you were benched after the Manny trade, you were in a position to be the absolute downfall of the team. You could have complained, huffed and puffed, and been a distraction.
- But you were NOT. You handled your benching like a fucking man and a professional, you continued to work hard (from all accounts, you CONTINUED to be the first one to arrive, and last to leave), be a supportive teammate, and most importantly, every time you got a chance to play you PRODUCED, and were a sparkplug to a team that badly needed you.
- When Manny was suspended, you were the MVP of the team for 50 games, and were the leadoff hitter, and sparkplug at the top that Rafael Furcal was not.
- Thank you Juan Pierre for your time in Dodger Blue, and I'm glad you will now get a chance to be an everyday player (for a team that has the pieces to be a contender, but was BADLY missing a leadoff hitter this year). Pierre/Beckham should be a very nice 1-2 punch to set things up for Dye/Konerko/Rios/Quentin (if healthy).

Monday, December 14, 2009

LOL LA Baseball

- Dodgers lose Wolf who sadly was their ace for much of last year.
- Angels lose their ace Lackey and leadoff man Figgins
- Neither get Roy Halladay
- Their competition (Phillies, Mariners, Red Sox) all get the guys that they should have gotten/retained, thus making the gap between them even worse
- Both are going to have extremely tough divisions next year (Rockies, Giants, Mariners, and Rangers ALL could easily win 95 games imo.)
- Neither has done anything close to make a move to fulfill their needs, which for the Dodgers is a disturbing lack of starting pitching, and the Angels, is another big bat in the middle, and now an ace to replace Lackey.
- LO FUCKING L this baseball offseason. GFY East Coast Baseball, and until the MLB wakes the fuck up and installs a real salary cap, this same old bullshit is going to continue. Seriously what good has Bud Selig done for baseball, and how the fuck did this asshat end up in charge?

Christmas Miracles

aren't something that just happen in fairy tales, or in movies, and they aren't just something that happen to beautiful people, they're happening every day, to all of us. They happen every time modern medicine saves one of our lives, they happen every time we're lucky enough to bring a child into the world, they happen every time our quick reflexes help us narrowly miss that huge/possibly deadly car accident, and they happen every time we fall in love. When you think about everything that had to go EXACTLY right in order for you to meet and end up with who you were supposed to end up with, you will see how amazing life can be.

With the holiday season upon us, step back, take a minute, and look in admiration at all of the Christmas miracles in your life, be grateful for them, don't take them for granted, and appreciate what you do have, rather than stressing on what you don't have.

Santa Claus *SPOILERS* Put the Children To Bed

- If you have any younger children do not let them read this post, and more importantly, WHAT THE FUCK are you letting them read this blog for? Profanity check, lewd sex talk check, misogyny check, total lack of sense of morality check.

- Alright, in case you somehow like well I can't even begin to comprehend how anyone old enough to read this could believe, but anyways, Santa DOES NOT exist LDO, and his very existence pisses me the fuck off to no end, and here's why:

- It introduces the concept of lying to kids. When I realized that he was a fraud (Christmas Eve age 6-8 somewhere in that range), nothing really happened, I just started putting the pieces together, and the whole concept seemed so ridiculous and implausible that I confronted my parents, and they told me the truth. I was so damn mad at them and all adults really for spreading this lie, and if I ever have kids

Quick Aside: LOL just LOL at me having kids. Umm that requires that a woman actually finds me attractive THEN that I don't find way to fuck things up beyond all belief, THEN she sleeps with me, THEN she isn't so shamed for having slept with me that she doesn't abort the child.

I will not spread this lie.

- What kind of message does it teach our children that one of the cornerstones of the most cherished American/Christian holiday is a complete myth? I'm not a regular church-goer, but I still pray most every night, believe and accept Christ as our Savior, and isn't the purpose of this holiday supposed to be about celebrating his miraculous birth and life? Yet for all the little kids of the Christian world, we worship this false idol (isn't that one of the 10 commandments, not to worship false idols?)

- Instead of celebrating and gaining more love for friends and family, Christmas just makes these little kids love Santa more. I remember being little and just waiting for Santa's gifts, and not being appreciative of others' gifts, and more importantly the time I spent with friends/family, and the love that spreads in the holiday season. Not the case anymore, but this just has always tilted me really bad, and I've never discussed it with anyone, so just felt like saying it here and now.

- Christmas should be about giving, but "being good so Santa brings you a new XBox". I think the whole Santa thing helps spread the whole "me first culture" rather than spreading Christian values of: love, generosity, and forgiveness. Not trying to preach, ehh but I kind of am I.

- Sorry for the quasi-seriousness of this post, I know I promised not to do that. I'm not mad at any person in particular, but just the myth itself that spreads generation after generation. If/when you have kids, just give some consideration to not spreading this lie, and hey it will make them look cool in school when they find out the truth before all their friends.

NFL Sunday In Review

- Chris Johnson is unfucking real. 185 total yards and 3TD's, I'm telling you if the Titans somehow make the playoffs, and with Jacksonville's loss today, it's still an outside possibility, this man has to win the MVP award.

- Brandon Marshall sets an NFL record with 21 receptions, to go with 200 receiving yards, and 2 TD's, but it's not enough as 3 Manning to Dallas Clark TD's bury the Broncos

- Matt Schaub to Andre Johnson had 180 yards and 2 TD's IN THE FIRST HALF!!! Could have set NFL records if the Seahawks had put up any kind of a fight.

- Saints stay unbeaten, despite a ridiculous fake FG attempt near the end of the game.

- The Vikings returned to dominance, completely manhandling the Bengals on both sides of the football, and virtually clinching the #2 seed in the NFC. Bengals-Chargers next week should decide who gets the other first-round bye in the AFC.

- LO FUCKING L Matt Cassel. He's my boy, but 5 FUCKING TURNOVERS today, 4INT's + a fumble wasted a terrific effort from Jamaal Charles (180 total yards + 1TD), and the Chiefs defense. 13 team turnovers in the last 3 games is just an utter disgrace.

- My God the Chargers are playing some good football right now. They only won by 3, but they absolutely dominated the Cowboys on both sides of the ball, especially in the second half where they seemed to have the ball the entire half. The Cowboys didn't play particularly bad, aside from ANOTHER Nick Folk missed FG, and an embarrassing epic fail at the goal line, where 3 straight Marion Barber plunges up the middle were stuffed at the 1. However, the Chargers are just that good, and at this point, I really don't see how anybody in the AFC, yes including the Colts are going to beat them in the playoffs. So many weapons on offense, it's just impossible to cover them all, and a good physical defense that makes plays when it has to.

- Giants-Eagles: WHAT A FUCKING FOOTBALL Game. Never seen so many big plays in an NFL game. DeSean Jackson was a man among boys out there today, and the Giants pass defense was just LOL atrocious tonight. They stuffed the run pretty well, but just kept giving up yards in HUGE chunks (seriously, how the fuck do you let DeSean Jackson just roam free in the secondary time after time after time. The nonexistent pass rush didn't help either. The Eagles now take control of the division, and with dates at home against the Niners and Broncos coming up, should win the East, with the Cowboys and Giants fighting it out for the last playoff spot. The Cowboys are a game up, but have a brutal schedule, while the Giants own the tiebreaker, but are playing really shitty football right now. I've got the Eagles winning out, the Cowboys finishing 1-2, and the Giants finishing 2-1, giving the Giants the 6 seed, only to get dismantled by the Eagles in the first round of the playoffs.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The First Day of Christmas

So so frustrated. Wanted to do a "13 days of Christmas" like song or story since today's the 13th, and there are 13 days left of Christmas, but my creative senses have been destroyed, and I have nothing in me right now. This post is reserved to be edited in case I think of anything in the next day or two.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Random Bullshit

that needs to be said. At this point I'll do anything to stop looking at regression analyses, standard errors, etc.

- Nothing worse than driving on a 2 lane highway or big street, and having two slow ass mother fuckers driving 10-20 MPH UNDER the speed limit right next to each other. Seriously, can one of you at least slow down more, so the rest of us can pass you inconsiderate fucks. It's almost as if they're doing it on purpose, like gee I'm a miserable piece of shit, I might as well make everybody else's day a little worse as well.

- I love the cold weather, the rain, and the winter season, but the only drawback is that hot chicks start putting on MORE layers, and show less, which is MAJOR :(

- Nice Rack --> Pretty Face --> Nice that order. They're all important, and I like big butts and I cannot lie, but that's still the order, and if you disagree with me, GTFO!

- Seriously need to go see "Bad Santa" again. Haven't seen it since it first came out, but can't remember laughing harder more consistently throughout an entire movie, with the exception of "The Hangover". Thanks Beki for reminding me of this hidden and somewhat forgotten jewel of a Christmas movie.

- Listening to Carrie Underwood music while studying is SO +EV. Puts one in a good mood, and takes you to a better place. The music video for her song "All American Girl" is like the sexiest thing ever. <3 all the different uniforms/costumes that we see her in, and just super <3 her in general.

- OMFG SON OF A MOTHERFUCKINGBITCH I need a drink! Worst part about this ordeal is I can't just have a couple of drinks to relieve the stress. SO SO SO -EV, and worst of all, I miss drunk blogging, because drunk Marc has like a 95% blog post success rate. In case you haven't noticed, the posts lately have been more mellow, and geared towards the female readership. No WTF is wrong with women/crazy ranting/horny bastard posts lately, and that is not acceptable.

Woman of The Day

posts have to be temporarily suspended because google is all fucked up and won't let me resize pictures. All the jpegs are way to big to fit on the screen, but I can only place them in the post via directly copying the link, I can't copy paste into word or something and resize in there. Sorry all, I apologize, and will try and figure out a way around this problem. Fwiw the woman of the day today would have been Jennifer Garner, and here's why:

- It boggles my mind that some of you don't find her attractive. Seriously watch one episode of her old show "Alias" and you'll see why she gets me all hot and bothered.
- Holy Shit I can't believe she's 37, she looks like she could easily be 10 years younger than that. Super Cougar FTW!
- Other than "Alias" she's also been in a couple of the comic book movies, "Pearl Harbor", "The Kingdom" in which she kicks some serious ass, and of course "Juno" which she was awesome in as the adoptive mother

Friday, December 11, 2009

Upcoming Movies to See

Until this mother fucking health issue is resolved, it's going to be a lot of weekend movie nights for yours truly, so here's the quick rundown. Well I suppose board game nights + mini golf is always in the question as well, although playing with angry Woman is as much of a health hazard as anything.

- Avatar (December 18): Because it's James Fucking Cameron

- Sherlock Holmes (Christmas Day): Great character, hopefully the perfect blend of comedy and drama that I desire in films, solid actors in the film, Rachel McAdams whom I love, and the closest thing I'm going to get to Monk in a long time.

- Extraordinary Measures (January 22): Basically a how far would you go to save your kids type story? Cliche but still should make a great story, and Harrison Ford doesn't make too many bad movies, so it should be fun.

- Edge of Darkness (January 29): Mel Gibson plays a homicide detective whose daughter is murdered in front of his home. His pursuit of the responsible parties should be nothing short of KICK ASS beat the fucking hell out of some mother fuckers awesomeness.

- Valentine's Day (February 12): This was a tough one to include, but when I saw the trailer, my first reaction was OMG two of the Jessica's (Alba + Biel) in addition to Jennifer Garner (whom I love, sigh I miss Alias) and Taylor Swift whose got that whole curly hair sexy thing going on, so I can't not recommend this one. The story will be teh super ghey, but hey so is "A Christmas Story", so I guess I have to recommend it, and lets face it all males in relationships, you are GOING to see this regardless of what I write here. Plus I really do want to actually see it, because it will mean that things will have actually gone well with hopefully aforementioned super hot chick who drew me a baseball diamond *crosses fingers*.

A Christmas Story Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Rachel walks away from Charlie who has just completely humiliated her, and made a fool out of himself. She finds a nearby bench to sit down on and buries her head in her hands, crying uncontrollably. Patty takes a seat down next to her, trying to console her. "He's just a jerk who's had to much to drink sweetie. He didn't mean it."

"No but he's right Patty. Every guy I've ever cared about, that I've ever opened my heart to, that I've ever loved, has either cheated on me or left me," Rachel explains, "how do I know that Mike is going to be any different. Have I brought this upon myself, do I just have too high an expectations for the guys that I date?"

"No Rach, you're not the problem. Look at me. You are not the problem. Guys are just jerks, and Charlie, I mean I love him, but he's no different sometimes. He has a lot of growing up to do. Look, don't let what that idiot said change anything, Mike seems like a nice enough guy, give him a chance"

"Ok" Rachel continues, as she tries and controls her crying, so that she can rejoin the guys.

Meanwhile, Tony sits Charlie down, and takes the Patron away from him: "Listen to cabron"

"No I don't want ta" as Charlie tries to get up, Tony shoves him down into his seat

"You're listening to me whether you like it or not. Now look, I know you're not a fan of "relationships", and if you want to die old and alone next to a couple of your whores, with no one in the world who loves you, then that's your deal, far be it from me to stand in your way. But that girl is your friend, the only one who's always been there for you, Lord knows she's been through a lot, and you just broke her heart. So when she comes back..."

"I know man, I will. Bro..."


"Thanks. I don't say it often, but thank you man."


The girls return with Patty holding Rachel who still has a tissue in her hands, and is still a little teary-eyed. Charlie approaches her, as Patty walks off to be with Tony.

"Rachel" he starts looking her in the eye, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of what I said, I was just being a jerk. I'm happy for you, and I hope this guy is everything that you're looking for...because you deserve to be happy".

"Apology accepted" she replies. "Thanks Charlie, now let's go have some fun".

The gang proceeds to eat a mountain of food, engage in some casual drinking, and while they appear to be having a good time, there is still a heavy sense of uneasiness in the air, as clearly Rachel was justifiably greatly hurt by the aforementioned comments. This sense of uneasiness continues during the game, as they are not as rowdy and enthusiastic as usual, despite the Giants win 31-24, keeping their playoff hopes alive, setting up a MONSTER game next Sunday night against the Eagles.

The car drive home is not nearly as exuberant as it should be, and when Tony drops Charlie and Rachel off at their apartment, they each just give each other a quick "good night" and retire to their respective rooms for the evening. Charlie finds his treasured little black book, calls up one of the hundreds of girls in it, puts on some comfortable clothes, and leaves for a good time.

Rachel meanwhile, pulls out a scrapbook that she has detailing all the relationships she has ever been in. She looks at prom photos, high school football games, and carnival photos of her and her high school boyfriend, whom she dated for three years, who eventually cheated on her, with what was her best friend at the time. She quickly brushes past photos of her and Charlie, who has already mentioned had a friends with benefits relationship in college. Then she sees the financial consultant she dated when she was fresh out of college, shortly after her parents' death, whom eventually left her for a better job opportunity in Chicago, and finally, the sports writer whom she had dated for a year, but broke up her with a few months ago, because she wanted to get married and have kids, whereas he just wanted a casual relationship. Rachel reflecting on Charlie's comments earlier, and reflecting back on a lifetime of failed relationships and terrible endings begins breaking down crying, but is still able to add a few sheets into her scrapbook, hoping that they will soon be filled with memories that her and Mike share together.

A Christmas Story Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Sunday December 6, 2009 Meadowlands, New Jersey 12:00pm

Four hours prior to kickoff between the HUGE divisional rivalry game between the Dallas Cowboys and the New York football Giants, our four heroes drive up to the parking lot in Tony's F250, with the grill, food, beer, and all the other necessary tailgate fixings in tow. With the temperature expected to drop below freezing by halftime, the girls are dressed in their multi-layered Giants theme clothes, with warm-up bundled (fuck I don't know what they're called b/c I don't do jackets: parkas?) on top. The guys are hardcore "tough guys" and just wearing their jerseys, Charlie wearing a #92 Michael Strahan jersey, and Tony wearing an LT #58 old school jersey, and jeans. For Charlie and Tony, who were college roommates and best friends, this was their 100th straight Giants home game attended, so to mark the special occasion, they broke out a $200 bottle of platinum patron.

"Looks like I'm driving home" Patty, the non-drinker, and permanent DD of the group remarked.

"Yea sorry sweetie...but it is a special occasion. 100 STRAIGHT GAMES BROTHER!" Tony replies as he pours shots for himself, Charlie, and Rachel. They cheers to the special occasion and down their shots, and then proceed to set up camp...

"Hey Rach, so tell the guys about the special guy you met today" Patty pesters

"Ohh is she sleeping with her patients again Patty?" Charlie chimes in

"Hey" Rachel responds, slapping him "you know I never did that, stop saying that"

"Yea dude" Tony replies punching him in the arm, HARD "not cool bro, not cool at all. Learn some respect for women. Just because all your whores are brainless bimbos who don't know any different, or just don't care, doesn't mean you can talk to all women like that".

Charlie just stares at Tony for a few moments in bewildered puzzlement, then starts chuckling: "Dude you are so gay. Are you sure you're not a Cowboys fan?"

Aside for a moment: Dude sorry Ryan if you're reading this, I didn't mean for it to be like this, but the story was always meant to be staged in New York, and considering the big game last week, I just couldn't resist. If it makes you feel any better, there will be Eagles bashing next week, although the Eagles are so going to TID on Sunday Night!

"No I just no how to treat a lady. That's how I landed this beautiful one right here"

"Awww that's so sweet" Patty chimes in, as she and Tony kiss, while Charlie is off to the side feigning the different ways to commit suicide. "Alright now Rach, tell the guys the story, sorry this jerk got us sidetracked"

"Well I met this guy, he was one of my patients, and the moment I walked in the room, it was kind of like one of those love at first sight things. I don't know what it was about him, but he just had this glow to him" Rachel explains, as Charlie starts downing tequila shots. Rachel just ignores his childish behavior, and continues "and then we started talking, and he was getting all flirty with me, telling me that he was feeling better since I was there, and then later he asked me if I would go out with him when he was discharged."

As Charlie continues to act like a jackass, Tony punches him again: "Dude sit the fuck down, and pay attention. Your friend is telling an important story here, I think it would behoove you to listen to her. Sorry for the language girls..."

"It's ok" they both interrupt

"But this guy has some growing up to do".

"So what she met some guy" as Charlie having already done five shots in the short time that they've been there is starting to have his buzz kick in. "he's probably just another jackass trying to look for a quick and easy lay, and then he's going to leave her, just like all the other guys she dates"

Rachel soaking in what has just been said, starts to tear up, and has to walk away with Patty close behind her, as a gentle rain starts to fall upon the New Jersey crowd, with kickoff of this must-win game for the Giants looming.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

This Might Actually End Well

- Super Hot Chick in one of my classes (I mean really super hot, I'm not exaggerating, top 5 hottest chicks I've ever known)
- Likes sports esp. football + hockey and has a solid knowledge of each
- Built a decent rapport with her + no ring
- All the other guys in that class totally kiss her ass b/c well she is super hot
- I don't and am just kind of like whatever, because I know a lost cause when I see one + I figure every guy she meets hits on her, so gonna try the opposite, to you know stand out and be different
- We were chatting a bit before class just about random bullshit, and she just out of the blue says she wants to draw something for me, and asks what I want her to draw. Naturally, I say a baseball field.
- She spends the next half hour drawing it for me, signs it with all the greetings and little girly stuff attached.
- I don't even care that she forgets the 2nd baseman, the shortstop is left handed and the foul poles are tilted the wrong way, it was just so HAWT, awesome, and dare I say "sweet".
- Kind of excited as this actually has some potential to end well, but I'm not getting my hopes up, as she is probably just being nice.
- Tune in next Thursday night for results

LOL Steelers!

Are you kidding me?! I almost threw up when I saw that. That's 5 straight losses, including 3 to the 3 worst teams in the entire conference.

The Phantom of the Opera

I am the most anti-theatre, and artsy fartsy stuff person you will ever meet, with the exception of this musical. My parents introduced me to the soundtrack when I was little, and I instantly fell in love with it. Listening to it right now, I am reminded of how amazing the story is, as well as nearly all of the musical notes (not a big fan of "Primadonna"). Can't believe I've never seen the musical in person; the US Tour was here a couple of years ago, and I actually bought tickets, but things fell apart with the chick from school that I planned on going with.

There's an abridged version of it in Vegas, so let me just say now to my couple friends, that the next time we go, we are GOING TO SEE THIS! If you don't love it I'll even buy your ticket, but it's impossible not to love it. Ohh and for fans of the show, gotta say that "All I ask of You" is my favorite song, followed by "Think of Me".

The Perfect Woman For Me (cont.)

- Loves driving with the windows down
- Is not weight conscious
- Is a fist bump master
- Is not a bombshell hottie. Seriously, we all know that if I every settle down with someone, she's going to be a 6 or a 7.
- Has a first name that starts with the letter "O", because combined with Heather and Hillary, they would be H20, and that would be like the coolest fucking thing ever.
- Speaking of those two women, my perfect woman has to get along with, and meet the approval of those two women, because if you can't get along with Woman and Woman, then who can you get along with? Plus I trust their judgment, as lets face it, they really are always right.
- Most importantly, and I think this goes for all relationships, she has to be my best friend. The person who I can and want to talk to about anything and everything, and I have to be able to imagine myself still madly in love with her when we're both 70, old and decrepit. To all of you who have this: congratufuckinglations (not sarcasm, just wanted to insert an F BOMB) its the greatest thing in the world, and to those of you who don't, best of luck in finding what you are looking for.

NFL Week 14 Preview

Winners in Bold (9-7 last week, 103-56 for the season)

Not that many good games this week, but fortunately all the games that are going to be televised should be pretty good. For those of you in 6 team fantasy playoff leagues, best of luck in the wild card round, and for those of you in 4 team playoff leagues, good luck trying to secure a playoff spot.

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland= I doubted that the Steelers could lose last week, and they did. If anything, Troy Polamalu has proven to be the Defensive MVP of the NFL, as it is amazing how badly their defense has collapsed without him. With word that his return is now uncertain, and he might be done for the year, the Steelers' chances are all but nil. Still the Browns' offensive woes are unquantifiable. Let's put it this way, Saints Safety Darren Sharper has 3 TD's this season. ZERO Browns offensive players have more than 2.

Saints @ Falcons= Good for Sean Payton electing not to rest his players if they sew up home field, but to keep fighting, not giving their opponents who may need to win to get in the playoffs a layup win. Gotta love that competitive spirit. Man is the Falcons offense a mess, and while Turner should be back this week, Chris Redman is NOT the answer, and their pass defense has been porous this whole year, and Drew Brees should have a field day.

Lions @ Ravens= Ray Rice will lead his owners to fantasy glory, and I really hope Matthew Stafford makes it out of this game alive. Calvin Johnson owners should still play him with confidence as the Ravens' pass defense has been burned recently.

Packers @ Bears= Should be a route, as the Packers' defense will force several turnovers as usual, and Aaron Rodgers will have his standard 25 point fantasy day. Play ALL your Packers, including waiver wire add Jermichael Finley with extreme confidence.

Seahawks @ Texans= Just mindboggling that Julius Jones is playing over Justin Forsett, and that the Texans have found so many different ways to GIVE games away. Still like the Texans in this one though.

Broncos @ Colts= The Broncos D has shut down some pretty strong offenses this year, and should hold the Colts to under 30, but still this is Peyton Manning in the RCA Dome. The unbeaten season stays alive 28-17.

Dolphins @ Jaguars= A Huge game both for Wildcard implications as well as the Dolphins' newfound AFC East title hopes. Both teams should be able to run the ball with impunity, although Chad Henne and David Garrard have both played well of late and are good game managers. I like Ricky Williams and the improving Dolphins defense in this one, I just don't trust the Jaguars, they seem to lay an egg everytime they gain some momentum.

Bills @ Chiefs= The Bills pass defense is very stingy, but that shouldn't even matter, as their run defense is one of the worst in the league. Look for 20-25 carries and ~150 all purpose yards from Jamaal Charles + 2 TD's and a solid Chiefs win.

Bengals @ Vikings= Game of the Week, as both teams look to secure the #2 seed and a first round bye. The Vikings finally looked human last week, but the Bengals offense has struggled punching the ball in the end zone lately. Against the lesser-rans that's ok because their defense is so good, but against the Vikings, you need to score touchdowns, because they are going to score points. Vikings have too many weapons on both sides of the ball.

Panthers @ Patriots= Matt Moore played competently last week in place of Jake Delhomme, and the Pats are clearly not the same team of the middle of this decade, but they're undefeated at home this season, and with DeAngelo Williams' health in question, there's just no way the Panthers can stay competitive in this game.

Jets @ Bucs= The Bucs have played well off late, although 5 Josh Freeman INT's cost them last week. The Jets defense is going to have a field day, and Thomas Jones is going to run wild.

Redskins @ Raiders= LOL This Game

Rams @ Titans= Chris Johnson might break his own fantasy scoring record from Week 2.

Chargers @ Cowboys= Man is this an intriguing and huge game, as both teams try and hold on to their division leads. No, I repeat NO Team in the NFL is playing better than the Chargers right now. After their horrid start of the season, they are pummelling people and dominant on both sides of the football. Dallas meanwhile has to deal with the complete disappearance of Marion Barber. They're going to have to rely on Romo against SD's questionable pass defense. Still, the Bolts have too many offensive weapons even for Dallas' defense, and if the Cowboys can't figure out how to run the ball like they have the past few years, it might be another miserable December in Big D.

Eagles @ Giants= Nothing better than seeing these two cities clash in any sport. The first matchup between these two was painful to watch, as the Eagles routed the GMen out of the gate. DeSean Jackson is set to play, and you can expect another sound Philly victory. It might be close for a half, but the Eagles have too many weapons, and their defense is getting healthier and stronger.

Cardinals @ 49ers= Look for the Cardinals defense to stack the box early and often, shutting down Frank Gore, and forcing Alex Smith to beat them. Vernon Davis is a MONSTER right now, but Kurt Warner is going to have an absolute field day shredding the 49ers porous pass D.