Tuesday, April 26, 2011


because it was not good

The Return of....

DRUNK BLOGGING! Enjoy motherfuckers, shit's about to get real in this bitch!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Dodgers Progress Report

Record: 12-11. 2nd place in the NL West, 3.0 games behind Colorado.

The Good:
- Kemp and Ethier are just tearing the cover off the ball right now, Kemp 2nd in the league in average, and Ethier with a 21 game hitting streak. These guys have been the Dodgers offense so far this year, but we need more.
- Juan Uribe finally remembered how to hit this week. Good to see him relaxed and hitting the ball for some power too.
- The Defense: Often an overlooked part of the game, our defense has been solid so far this year, making some big plays to save runs, and not committing blunders in the field. Barajas has done a great job throwing out runners, considering how atrocious our pitchers outside of Kershaw are at holding on runners.
- 7 Quality Starts in the past 8 games from our starters. That's just what this team, and its overworked bullpen needed.
- Jamey Carroll: What can I say this guy does it all! Gets on base at a great clip, works his walks, plays 3 positions and plays them well, and hustles his ass off providing some solid veteran leadership to this team.

The Bad:
- Ted Lilly and his wild inconsistency. His strikeout numbers are way down, and he's just hanging way too many pitches up in the zone.
- 3 everyday players (Sands, Loney, and Barajas) hitting below the Mendoza line. Left field and our refusal to resign Scott Podsednik is going to be the death of us. Right now the guys hitting after Kemp and Ethier are like a plague to this lineup. For a team with little power, we have to be able to string hits together better, although we did this weekend. Awesome!

The Ugly:
- The abomination that is our bullpen. Here are the ugly stats: 3 guys with an ERA over 9.50, only one RP (McDougal) with an ERA under 3.00, 12 HR's allowed (so one every other game).
- James Loney forgot how to hit. His OBP is at a pathetic .191, and his SLG % is a meager .211, with only 2 extra base hits in 90 at-bats! DISGRACEFUL! He's pulling everything, making weak to no contact, and isn't anywhere close to the hitter that he should be. He's been absolute dead weight, and the rally killer to end all rally killers.
- Plate Discipline: Ok I'm not expecting this team to have 4 30HR hitters, but when you don't hit for power, you better damn well work your walks, and we sure as fuck are not! I've never seen a more undisciplined group of hitters than these guys. So many times a pitcher has been wild and nowhere near the plate, and we chase 2-0 or 3-1 pitches WAY the fuck out of the strike zone.
- BUNTING!!! HOLY FUCK! Is there anything easier in baseball than to lay down a sacrifice bunt? Well not if your the Dodgers, and many a rally have been squashed because someone didn't get the bunt down, got 2 strikes on them and then GIDP.

Overall: Given our nightmare schedule the first 3 weeks, I'm satisfied with where we are. Need to get Loney going, and more production out of the bottom of the order, and more importantly, we need to get this bullpen in order. Still with a solid staff, and 2 monsters in the middle of the order, this team has the studs to get on a roll if the supporting cast picks up the slack.

CP3 and the NHL Playoffs

Not sure which of them was more epic today, but HOLY SHIT!

- Now I don't watch a whole lot of basketball, but Chris Paul's performance today was one of the best overall displays of talent I've ever seen in one game. Just some food for thought, his 15 assists were only 2 fewer than the entire Lakers team, and his 13 rebounds were more than Gasol and Bynum combined (they have a good foot of height on him btw). The Lakers are too deep to lose this series, but wow what a game tonight!

- LUUUUUUONGO!!! LUUUUUONNNGGGOOOO!!!! Wow so you have a Vezina Trophy finalist and bench him in Game 6 of the 1st round of the fucking playoffs! Crazy move by the Canucks and it almost worked. But, the Hawks just found a way to get it done, that penalty shot goal was epic. Wow can't wait for Game 7, the NHL playoffs and especially this series have just been unreal so far.

- Ohh yea and the Ducks are OUT! GTFO Anaheim you scumbag team full of dirty players. Whine some more about Nashville diving please instead of realizing that your team is full of instigators and thugs. Just glad we're rid of these fags for the rest of the playoffs.

- GO KINGS GO! GO KINGS GO! Quick was unreal last night, hope he can keep it up well actually now later tonight. We did a decent job of limiting the second chance opportunities that have killed us in this series in Game 5, but need to be better in the neutral zone and win more of the 50/50's. You can't get outshot 2.5 to 1 and win many games, and Niemi won't be this bad every game. The Sharks got their mulligan in Game 3, and we got ours in Game 5. Time to just outplay these guys, please play the Richardson line more! They are just killing it so far, Richardson was the only reason we didn't lose by double-digits in Game 4. Excited for tomorrow!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Short Story Ideas?

Ok so I want to give this short story thing another whirl. I'm still very proud of my murder mystery. I thought it was pretty good even though the dialogue was horrendous. It was one of those things that would have been better if it was longer. I also really liked my Christmas Story. Cliched yes, but still not terrible for a short story, anyways shoot me some ideas in the comments section. What genre/concept/idea do you ya'll want to read?

- Your Appreciative Moderator

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Resurrection

Today, April 20, 2011 will forever be known as the day the Dodgers franchise was resurrected from the dead. While the McCourts still own the team, this drastic and long overdue action taken by Major League Baseball is the first step in the right direction. While this season will probably be a lost one (miracles can happen), hopefully we will have a new owner by this offseason, resign the guys we have to resign, and pick up some pieces to the puzzle (i.e. power hitters and a fucking bullpen)! We currently have 3 RP with ERA's in the double digits but I digress. GFY McCourts don't let the door hit you on your way out and thanks for Nothing you carpetbagging scumbag and despicable whore!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

So There's This Girl

I haven't known her for very long, and I don't know her very well, but I am just completely and hopelessly smitten by her. She is so cute and beautiful and sexy and quirky, and I just can't stop thinking about her. Wow I sound like a high school kid so I'm gonna STFU. If you want to know more just ask.

Kings Hockey

is just forever cursed! FUCK SHIT PISS!

Monday, April 18, 2011


Really excited that the Dodgers have decided to give Jerry Sands a shot. This kid has 30/100 potential and can steal some bases as well. While he does strike out a lot, it's worth a shot for an offense that badly needs some power, and a team that badly needs a shot in the arm. Ohh and Donny, can we please not let Broxton close games anymore? Mkay thanks.

How I Met Your Mother

In what has been by far the best series to date (and that's saying a lot), this week's episode may have been the best. LOVED the gang singing the musical opening note, the return of Ted's red cowboy boots, Robin finally getting a possible romantic storyline, Marshall and Lily as swingers (dude Marshall she would totally get 5 numbers before you, I mean C'MON MAN!), and of course Barney and his dad. Don't know who he meant when he said maybe he's already met the right girl (Robin or Nora?), but I love the direction the show is headed in, and am stoked for the last few episodes of the season.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Watching the Dodgers

is bad for my health! VERY BAD! Every time I watch I feel like I'm going to have a fucking heart attack every inning. Yet I just can't stop watching.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Random Thoughts from San Diego

- San Diego is fucking awesome, so many smoking hawt chicks. I went down there for the Dodgers-Padres game Saturday fyi for those of you aren't facebook friends with me.
- Beer is awesome! 5 different bars, 5 different beers FTW!
- Woman Fail #1: I tried to get up to go talk to my hawt waitress. I was not drunk at this point, but still stumbled, knocked over my chair, and almost fell down.
- Woman Fail #2: Left my number with some smoking hawt Irish waitress wearing a kilt. She never called :(
- Woman Fail #3: Some random chick behind me was talking about how much she loves putting things in her mouth, and I didn't make my move. Know idea why I pussied out, normally I'm the exact opposite (try too hard).
- But the Dodgers swept a twin bill, so all was well. Good times Ahron.

Angels Early Season Thoughts

For you Angels fans:

- Why is Hank Conger not playing every single day?
- Walden for Rodney= inevitable and the right move
- Weaver and Haren are just unreal right now! Holy Shit 15K's and then a one-hitter? How are you guys only 6-5? The rest of your staff isn't that bad, and your team is hitting for a great average right now.
- Vernon Wells= Your Juan Uribe. Wanna trade? At least Wells plays great defense.
- Holy Moly do you need Pineiro back asap. What in the world happened to Scott Kazmir?
- Not a terrible start, but could be better considering the schedule, how dominant your top 2 have been, and how many guys you have hitting .300 and above. The next two months are crucial, as you have to get a lead over Texas without Hamilton (although Murphy is a very capable sub). Oakland should be right there with you and Texas in the 1st half, but LOL Mariners offense. I feel bad for Ichiro and King Felix.

Early Season Dodgers Thoughts

Keep in mind that I am probably the biggest pessimist when it comes to my team in the Western Hemisphere, so take my complaints with a grain of salt.

- We might have the worst 6-8 hitters in MLB history
- Tony Gwynn and Jamey Carroll need to be playing every day and hitting 1-2 in the lineup until they give us a reason not to (except against lefties where Thames subs for Gwynn)
- Really really like the back-end of our pen (Guerrier, Kuo, Broxton) should be tough to overcome if we have the lead after 6.
- Kershaw has become the ace that he was born to be! I've always said the day he cuts down on the walks, is the day he becomes one of the 5 best pitchers in the game. 4 walks in the first 3 games, and look at the results.
- Matt Kemp is just not real right now, and I love what Davey Lopes has introduced to the club. For a team that doesn't hit for power, aggressive base-running is going to be paramount to our success, and we are running, running often, and running with success, and I love it!
- Chad Billingsley: I've always been his biggest fan and supporter in good times and bad, but it's getting hard to. He's so mentally weak, and his inability to protect a lead is beyond maddening.
- Really happy for Garland's return, and with Padilla close behind, this team is going to have a deep staff. Lilly's off to a rocky start, but he'll turn it around, and Kuroda has been amazing!

All in all, can't be too upset with 6-5 given the teams we've had to play. Our April schedule is brutal, so if we can just survive it, I like our chances to make a strong run in the rest of the 1st half.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Juan Uribe

has just the worst plate discipline I have ever seen from a major leaguer. If this guy walks 10 times this season I'll be amazed. Hell if he gets on base 10 times this season I'll be amazed. It's going to be a LONG LONG season!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Things That I'm an Expert At

- Being a good bro and obeying my Man Laws
- Watching out for all my friends who have "WOMAN" status
- Fantasy Football
- Remembering Dates/Statistics/Numbers
- Baseball and to a lesser extent all Sports Trivia...HIT ME!
- Strip Clubs
- Making People Laugh
- Written Storytelling

Things That I Am Mentally Retarded At

- Functioning around chicks that I want to bang
- Functioning while blackout drunk
- Using Tools/Building Stuff/Anything you learn in Boy Scouts
- Cooking
- Fashion
- Fantasy Baseball
- Remembering Names
- Verbal Storytelling

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Random Thoughts of the Day

- I find it not at all ironic that my favorite part of the chicken is the breast meat
- Real Boobs > Fake Boobs
- My clock says 1234. I guess I must declare a thumb war. PS: my right thumb won
- I am currently both hot and cold.
- My body still has not recovered from the weekend
- Believe it or not my current BAC is 0.00
- My back hurts

The One Instance in Which It's Okay to Get LOL Married

If and ONLY if she meets all of the following conditions

(1) She is the hottest non-married female that you know.
(2) You were her first.
(3) She has an unrepairable medical condition by which she MUST have sex at least once a day, and she can only have sex with the first person she had sex with.

10 Reasons Why Men Should Never Get Married

(1) 50% of marriages end in divorce
(2) And those are the lucky ones
(3) If you live in a hippy faggot state like California you are going to get one of two types of divorce court judges
- an angry man-hating woman who would like nothing better than to rape your soul and give her everything
- a pussy-whipped shemale who is so afraid of what his wife might do to him that he has to destroy you
(4) "Better With You" has taught us that staying in a relationship but not married is "a valid life choice"
(5) Pretty much every man in my family is either unhappily married, divorced, or so whipped that he doesn't feel the pain anymore.
(6) The sex will steadily decrease year after year, just watch. She says that it won't but it will. I mean once you get married, what incentive does she have to ever put out for you? What are you going to do? Get divorced and say arrivederci bank account.
(7) Once you get married, the next step is kids. If I have to explain more, clearly you are deaf and don't value sleep and peace and quiet.
(8) You still will need to watch porn all the time, only now it will be a lot more difficult to get away with it.
(9) LOL at you ever getting to just hang out with the guys anymore.
(10) Because it's ONE WOMAN for the rest of your life! No one-nighters, no strippers, no hookers, nothing but her! So if you do, she better be fucking perfect.

Military and First Responders Appreciation Thread!!!

It doesn't have to be Memorial Day or the 4th of July to show appreciation to all the men and women past, present, and future who have served our country and communities so thanklessly. These people get shot at every day and are rewarded by I'm just gonna say CUNT Liberal Pussy Faggots who hate on our soldiers as murderers and cry for the law-breaking criminals who wouldn't hesistate to steal from, rape, or murder them or their families, while decrying the police officers that thanklessly serve our communities every day and put up with shit that most of us can't even imagine.

Cliffs Notes
- Soldiers and First Responders= awesome
- Liberal Pussies= should be shipped off to Afghanistan or San Quentin and spend time with the "innoncent and good people" that they are always crying for
- Terrorists, Rapists, and Murderers= Get AIDS and Die Please

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My Thoughs and Prayers

Go out to Bryan Stow, the Giants fan who was savagely beaten on Opening Night by a couple of piece of shit "bunts" who happened to be wearing Dodger gear. I wish Bryan a speedy recovery and hope that the perepetrators are found and curbstomped to death. Even that wouldn't be enough of a punishment in my book, they deserve to suffer more.

The Moderator's Abbreviations/Sayings/Quotes/Etc.

- "You're a FUCKING PUSSY"= what I say to someone who is throwing up due to excess consumption of alcohol

- "hawt"= mine and OT's spelling of "hot" when referring to females

- OT= Pocket Fives Off Topic...check it out for realz

- Africa Hot= it's hotter than a mother fucker outside

- "bunt"= the C word

- "WOMAN!"= see a few posts below

- "Get AIDS and Die"= I don't like you

- "You can Go Fuck Yourself"= what I generally say to guys when I'm drunk

- "Hey Baby What's Up?"= what I generally say to chicks when I'm drunk

- Tits, Baseball, Football, Scotch, Food, Beer= what I care about in that order

Tons of Updates

- As you can see I'm making some changes around here to sort of jazz up the blog. You can now follow my blog or see updates via email if you fill out the email thing below.

- Also answer my poll question to let me know what you want to see more of.

- Let me know what you think about the changes in the comments section. Still working out some kinks and trying to get a better template (will take and and all suggestions). Also looking to possibly sell out and let people put ads in the sidebars (hell if im gonna blog and people are gonna read it i might as well get some extra strip club money for it). You in turn get more entertaining drunk and strip club posts. EVERYBODY WINS!

This Post

has been removed by the moderator because well I fucking said so.

Monday, April 4, 2011

45 Hours

That's how long it has been since I have last had a drink, and my body has still not recovered from last weekend. Maybe it was the fact that I slept on the floor. Maybe it was the fact that I have a major heart condition, and no spleen. Maybe it was because for the 2nd straight weekend I mixed cigars and heavy drinking (damn it Ryan I told you not to let me do that shit). Maybe it was because I had 3.5 Adios' in like 45 minutes. Maybe it was because for 2 straight days my BAC was never at 0.00. Or maybe it was because destroying my body is just too much fucking fun and I can't resist! So I leave you with this pearl of wisdom:

"Life is too short to be a pussy. Drink up bitches!"

"Woman" Status: An Explanation + Congrats Natalie!

- So on more than a few occasions I've had somebody ask me what I mean or who I'm talking about when I use the phrase "Woman", so here's the background story: My friends Heather and Hillary (who are more like sisters to me than friends) have names that are obviously similar. When I used to get drunk I would always mix their names up and call each the other one. Both would get hella pissed at me, so one night when they were both giving me shit, I got fed up, and was just like: WOMAN!!! Shut up! and then some rambling drunken nonsense.

- Now, the name has just kind of stuck, and I use it all the time both in a nice way and in a rude way, but we're cool so it's fine, trust me they call me names just as bad if not worse so it all evens out.

- My friend Morgan has since earned the "Woman" title, and this weekend Natalie has acquired said status.

So what does "Woman" status entitle you to:

- Well it means that I'm going to burden you with all of my girl successes and fails and ask you a lot of very dumb questions because I am very dumb when it comes to interacting with females.

- I will always have your back at least from guys. I have a very firm never hit a girl policy so if you want to fight some bitch, I can't intervene unless you are really getting beat. But, anytime any guy so much as looks at you funny I'm stepping in, especially while drunk. I cannot tell you how many times I have almost gotten a hospital bad beating trying to protect the H's. Yes I also overreact very badly too.

- You will be called "Woman" most of the time instead of your real name, but trust me it means you're cool, because most women would bitch slap me if I called them "Woman". By accepting this title, you're like one of the guys.

- You will know WAY too much about me and my shenanigans (especially strip club exploits). You might be repulsed, but you will always be entertained, and laughing your ass off whether with me or at me.

Blog Design- HELP WANTED!

Ok I'm not going to sugar coat this shit, my blog design is God fucking awful! I mean look at the post below, I don't know how to fucking resize this shit and make things look good. Also the background is bland, and the site is just uninspiring and not pleasant to look at. I feel that it's detracting from the awesome commentary and content, so my question to you all is:

Does anyone know how to fix this shit, and/or is anyone willing to help me. Design and IT stuff are not my areas of expertise, so yea. If you know how to make it look good, shoot me a text and I'll give you my password so that you can play around with things and make it look good. Thanks a lot.

Reward: Sorry I don't get paid to blog so I can't pay you to help. But, if you help me I will make 10 posts on any subject manner you want to hear about, and buy you a beer the next time I see you (assuming you do a good job and make a noticeable improvement in the blog design).

- Your Moderator

I'm Hurt Dog Don't Ask Me if I'm Alright!!! HELL NO!

- Butler played a tough physical game and really did give everything they had. Unfortunately the shots just wouldn't fall and UConn was just simply the better team. Congrats to Jim Calhoun who is building a legendary status and Kemba Walker and Co. for just a sick sick month of basketball.

- Can't wait for next year's tournament, but until then it's full fledged baseball time for me with some Playoff Kings hockey thrown in the mix.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Random Remembrances from this Weekend: San Francisco Edition

- Failing very badly with a LOT of chicks that I hit on who were at various levels of sobriety.

- Randomly talking about "the schmoo" from "Lucky Number Slevin"

- Some kinda gay shit that I don't want to talk about. It was the Frisco wearing off on me. I needs to get me to a strip club ASAP to get the gay out of my system.

- The coolest fucking cab driver like fucking ever

- Telling Rick to "SHUT THE FUCK UP" when he was snoring and I was obv. fucked up beyond belief

- Drinking 3.5 Adios Motherfuckers (a very strong alcoholic beverage with a high number of different types of booze in it) in under an hour. Not Recommended under any circumstances!

- Some major homo guy trying to dance with Ryan. I got very very scared as he got closer to me.

- FUCK I just forgot! I was chatting up some hot chick in line for the bathroom. I had to grab something so I told her I'd be right back, but I never went back! FUCK ME! She was hawt, I was drunk and she wasn't running away from me. Prospects had to at least kind of good.

The Death of 3 Phones: An American Sad Story

So for those of you who don't know me well, or who have never read this blog before, I like to drink, like a LOT! When I drink, I tend to go insane fucking crazy and do ridiculously hilarious and/or obnoxious shit! Anyways, this weekend for the 3rd fucking time in the last few years I managed to destroy a phone while insanely intoxicated, so thought I'd share these experiences with you all.

1st Time: Aww I popped my phone destroying cherry in the most awesome and epic way possible. So myself and a bunch of friends are on Hillary's boat. BTW Woman! we gotta make it out there again soon! We're all drinking and the bathroom is out of order for reasons I can't remember at this time, so I piss in my beer bottle. I go on the edge to pour it out, and somehow manage to fall through the life rails and overboard. Wallet soaking wet but not lost luckily, phone, medical chain, and something else at the bottom of the ocean, and sandals floating away. Brian saves the sandals while the others work to get me back on the boat (I cant swim well). And the kicker: we were fucking docked, as in not moving and my drunk ass manages to do this shit!

2nd time: We're all partying in Downtown Fullerton for my speleeniversary and I am beyond gone! We try and gain entrance into a cougar bar, and I am denied entrance. I try like 3 more times to get in, but the nazis didnt want to take my money, and I would have dropped a lot of cash the state i was in. Jose is sober enough to drive me home, but I'm so pissed I take my phone and throw it as hard as I can to the ground. It ends up in the curb by a drainage ditch, so water + the slam= BROKEN!

3rd Time= This weekend in San Francisco we all get back from a night of very heavy drinking at least by me. I guess I place my phone on the nightstand and there is water there. so a lot of water on the table + my phone= OMG 4th new phone as a result of drunken stupidity! Luckily it only cost $10 so I'm still a happy panda.