Friday, October 28, 2011

Things That I Pride Myself On

- My Facts
- Literally Bleeding Dodger Blue since birth
- Being the King of Post-Midnight Bad Decision-Making
- Stripper Knowledge
- Pound for pound drinking
- Being able to destroy my body without dying
- A redonk ability to remember dates and numbers (stats. Test me in the comments section pussies.
- Standing up to those with woman status even though I'm terrified of them
- Providing a high-quality blog

One Thing I Really Hate

is being drunk and really hungry. Nothing worse than getting those late night Del Taco/Jack In the Box munchies and being unable to drive there. I could walk but I think there's some law against serving walkers in the drive thru line. PM Larry David.

Today at the Grocery Store

there was a reasonably attractive chick about age 35-40 in front of me in line. At first glance I thought she looked somewhat familiar. As the checker is scanning her order, she pulls out a HUGE wad of money, and I'm like damn girl put that shit away you gonna get robbed (I was in kind of a bad neighborhood). Her bill comes out to $60, and she counts out an insane amount of money. At this point I realize that ALL of the bills in her wad were $1's. She pays the entire bill in 1's, and has a solid 100+ behind.

Now most people would be annoyed as fuck, but your moderator: he has NEVER been more turned on in his entire life.

C'Mon Man!

- CV for getting sloppy during the Domer game and talking about my cougar and strip club obsession in front of people that shouldn't know about that. C'MON MAN!
- AV for puking over the toilet all night at least according to my boy Brando. If Brando is correct, then AV: C'MON MAN! If Brando is lying and sold his boy out, then well played sir because you are a fellow Chiefs fan. FUCK THE RAIDERS!
- THE OAKLAND RAIDERS! 2 Quarterbacks. 6 Interceptions. 2 pick 6's. 0 points scored. 4 plays from the 3 yard line with a 260+ lb RB and no TD. Against a DIVISIONAL opponent without its best offensive and defensive player! AT HOME! C'MON MAN!
- Brian Kelly and Notre Dame Football. For not using any of their 2nd half timeouts, and just letting USC run the clock out, and essentially giving up! I'm not crazy about Galippo and others shit-talking after the game, let the scoreboard do the talking, but still ND: C'MON MAN!
- Joklahoma for their home meltdown that cost them their season! C'MON MAN! Nice job by DeMarco Murray though on Sunday partially redeeming the school.
- The Miami Dolphins for a 15 point home collapse against a QB that couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. Props to Tebow but C'MON MAN!
- The Tennessee Titans and Chris Johnson. The Titans had been playing some good football but wtf is wrong with C2K? The man gets paid and now he's lost his speed? He has the same O-Line, a better QB imo, and has been the weak link on this team so far. You're getting paid bro. C'MON MAN!
- The Indianapolis Colts and Jim Caldwell. Look we know, Peyton Manning should have won the MVP award every single year for the past decade, but to allow Drew Brees to throw more TD passes than incomplete passes. C'MON MAN!
- The Baltimore Ravens offense: ZERO FIRST DOWNS until late in the 3rd quarter and only 8 carrries for Ray Rice. C'MON MAN!
- Every offensive player in the Seahawks-Browns game. Never thought I'd say this, but Seattle really needs Tavaris Jackson back. Watch the highlights somewhere if you haven't eaten in the last few days. C'MON MAN!
- All of my married bros under the age of 40. Dude, C'MON MAN!

Tonight...

was maybe the greatest game I have ever seen. More to come when the series is over and I've had a day or two to think about it, because right now I am on pure raw emotions.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

NFL Week 8 Picks

Winners in bold

8-5 in Week 6
44-20 for the season

Dolphins @ Giants
Colts @ Titans
Vikings @ Panthers
Saints @ Rams
Cardinals @ Ravens
Jags @ Texans
Redskins @ Bills
Lions @ Broncos
Patriots @ Steelers
Browns @ 49ers
Bengals @ Seahawks
Cowboys @ Eagles
Chargers @ Chiefs

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Online Dating

- So many of you have told me I should do this shit for years now
- I finally decided to go for it
- As stated in posts below I am strictly a cougar guy now
- Ergo I signed up for a cougar dating website
- I paid some shit via paypal (no clue how much I'll know in the morning)
- I am saying some ridiculous bullshit to try and get these women to sleep with me
- Results will be posted at a later date

Hey Fuckos!

Post some fucking comments! It's not that fucking hard! Just log on to google and click on the fucking comment section of the given post. Some of you give me shit for not being technologically savvy, but this is seriously the easiest fucking shit, and yet everyone whines and complains about how hard it is. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FIGURE IT OUT!

Honorary Guest Blogger

- I have offered an honorary guest blogger spot on many occasions but nobody has ever taken me up on it. Here is all you have to do:

- Tell an attractive female about my blog (preferably one between 35-49). Have her compliment me on a particular post/point.

- You win a free blog post

Things That Annoy the Fuck Out of Me

- When people overuse emoticons in text messages
- Little Kids
- Ice melting
- When my supply of Ibuprofen runs low
- People who never call and only text
- People who never text and only call...balance is the key foolios
- People who insult my use of the word: "foolios"
- Missing my exit/turn because of sober blackouts

Woman of the Day: Aunt Becky

- Before I even knew what the term "cougar" or "milf" meant you were one. edit: she was in her 20's for most of the show. Ohh well, she was still OMG SO FUCKING HAWT!
- Because you were one of my first crushes
- Because "everywhere I look" I see a cougar/milf that reminds of you
- So thank you Lori Laughlin/Aunt Becky for your hawtness and teaching me that as a woman ages she doesn't get "older", she gets more "experienced"
- PS: WANNA TAP THAT!
- PPS: She is now 47 years old and looks even better than when "Full House" was on the air. OMG OMG OMG WANNA TAP THAT!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Places I Need to Go

- Foxfire Cougar Bar in Anaheim Hills (any of my single bros want to go?)
- McLarens Bar
- Fenway Park
- South Bend for a USC-Notre Dame game
- The Kitchen and Pisser on account that (a) I need a refill and (b) I need to piss that last drink out
- Ok sorry for the delay I needed food too but I am back.
- The doctor's office to get tested for da AIDS and other STD's that strippers may have given me
- New Arrowhead Stadium
- Church
- Tropical Lei in Upland
- Spearmint Rhino Las Vegas

Bad Ideas

- Texting after 2am
- Calling after 2am
- Facebooking after 2am
- Listening to "One Year Six Months" when you are thinking about a girl
- Drinking Bacardi 151 on the rocks
- Paying for porn
- 5 tabling games outside your bankroll limitations while drunk and on tilt
- Betting for or against the New York Football Giants
- Pitching to Albert Pujols
- Going through a woman's purse
- Not doing exactly what Heather says when she says it
- Asking Hillary the same question more than once
- Performing poorly when on the same team as Natalie
- Going to a strip club and not following my words of wisdom
- Going to a normal club and following my words of wisdom

"Drumroll Please"

I recently re-watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother" on cable tv reruns called "Drumroll Please". It was from season 1 and it was the episode where Ted meets Victoria the bakery girl that moves to Germany. Shortly thereafter, I had a similar experience with a woman, and now I cannot decide what to do. This decision is solely my own, and I am struggling with what to do, as I do have one means by which to contact her. FWIW her background is also as a baker which reminded me of this episode. I always loved Victoria, as well as he return this year. I wished she were the mother, but she's not. Hmm...what to do? Well enough emo fag talk I'm out.

- On a somewhat related note, I am currently watching the episode again. It makes the argument that the moments before a kiss are better than the kiss itself. I agree with this argument.

- Apologies I have had some drinks. I should further explain. I met a woman, we had a magical night together, it was perfect. I know close to nothing about her except the baking part, ok why lie, its the 47 year old stripper. But her pre-stripper background had her owning her own bake shop. What should I do? I specifically have a "one time only" stripper policy to avoid emotional entanglements, but this is the 1st time I've gotten attached. It was my 2nd trip with her and I am just so smitten.

I can just hear those with "Woman" status saying Ohh My God WHAT THE FACK MARC and rolling their eyes. But my experience was pure unadulterated perfect. Should I let that be and always have the memory of that one perfect 30 minutes, or pursue something? Ohh this is one of those times when I love being single if nothing else for the mystery and uncertainty that it beholds.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A Salute to Our Military

It doesn't have to be Memorial Day or the 4th of July for The Daily Musings of marc1313 to be appreciative of the brave men and women past and present who serve the greatest country in the world. I salute you and thank you all for your services, including my brother Paul Smith who is currently in Afghanistan. Stay save brother and get back to the States soon. King Taco and a 24 pack of Dogfish Beer await you.

How to Repel Women

Do you have a crazy stalker who won't leave you alone? Is that fat chick in class/the cubicle next to you keep giving you the look and you want to let her down easy? LOL married and don't know how to get rid of the mistress before she fucks up your life?

Whatever your situation, the moderator has some fool proof ways to ensure that they will ignore you/never talk to you again/run away.

- Pull a Ted Mosby (tell them that you love them on the 1st date). If she reciprocates, excuse yourself, run home, grab your passport, and flee to the country least likely to be her country of ancestry, and never return to the country you love.
- Send her a drunken text saying that "your love is my drug"
- Send her a drunken facebook message saying that you might be drunk but that she is smoking hawt and that you think the two of you have great chemistry and should go out sometime.
- Tell her you want her to meet your best friend. Hire marc1313 to be said best friend. Within 30 minutes, I'll have her running for the door.
- Tell her that you have a strip club addiction, and that you have frequently engaged in amorous activities with said strippers
- Take dancing lessons from marc1313 and put them on full display
- Be a needy emo pathetic mess/be her bitch

Saturday, October 15, 2011

marc1313's Favorite Things

- Cougars
- Pizza Bagels
- Finding an awesome addition to my Grooveshark
- Porn with some production value
- Beating the Dirty Hippies
- Popcorn
- "Drive" the movie
- Tequila shots
- People quoting my blog
- Seeing that my blog has picked up new followers
- Annoying those with "Woman" status with repetitive questions and/or asking them about their hawt friends
- My gel foam whatever the fuck it's called mattress.
- Having 3 mother fucking pillows
- Filling a red cup with ice, and then trying to decide what to fill it with, only to always fill it with some canadian/irish/scotch whiskey

My Three Greatest...

Stripper Experiences have ALL come from a mature, experienced woman. As has been stated, analyzed, and discussed on MANY occasions here at the Daily Musings, here is the breakdown by stripper age:

18-23: Haven't gone this young in a long time, but used to a lot when I was in this age range, and: These chicks are working their way through college and/or don't see stripping as their long-term solution. That's fine, nothing wrong with that, and I support their decision to choose this very noble profession. But that 100% does NOT translate into a good experience. They NEVER deliver high quality service, and more often than not mail it in when giving dances. I used to make a lot of mistakes with them back in the day, but I have grown wise. No matter how hawt, AVOID AVOID AVOID!

24-35: Some are in for the long haul, some not, you get a mixed bag here. I would say about 25% deliver either A+ service or great dances, and the other 75% either don't know what they are doing, or are hawt enough that they can give terrible dances and still make a lot of money, luring in suckers who don't know any better.

35+: I don't think I've ever been disappointed by a stripper who was 35+. They are mature and experienced. They've been in the game long enough that they know what they are doing. If they've stuck around this long, they almost always really enjoy the job, and they enjoy delivering A+ service. They also have BY FAR the best attitudes of all strippers, I don't think I've ever encountered one who gave me attitude, tried to upsell me, or complained about how much I tipper her. They are grateful for the money and attention, and will shower you with their full arsenal of sexiness. I have a pretty strict rule about not doing repeat business with a stripper. I have broken this rule twice, once with a stripper about 35-40, and the other with one who is 47. Also, my best all-time stripper experience was with a stripper about aged 40. She taught me things I didn't know existed.

Cliffs Notes: Read the post below

A Confession...From Your Moderator

As of a few days ago technically, but officially at 3:49am on today October 15, 2011 the 23rd anniversary of Kirk Gibson's walk-off HR in Game 1 of the World Series, I Marc James Tokushige proclaim that I am done and over 20-something women. Ok, if one walks up to me and says: "Fuck me now", I'm gonna fuck her on the spot.

But, as far as preference and my targets are concerned, 34 is too young for me. My targets will be those of the MILF/Cougar persuasion (35-50 years old). No offense to any of you 20-something women reading, but you have had your chance. I am sick of chasing after shallow and superficial women who treat guys like shit and dangle them like little marrionettes on their puppet strings. I want a mature, experienced woman who knows what she is doing, is as likely to chase as she is to be chased, and will appreciate a man who craves her and seeks to satisfy her every need.

Top 5 Favorite Strip Club Songs (By Reader Request)

I am 100% opposed to the songs that one would traditionally think of when thinking strip club songs, ones with over-the-top explicit lyrics or "Pour some sugar on me" for example. I don't like direct causal links, I just like a good tune, or some indirect dirty meanings.

- The song that Selma Hayek strip teases to in "From Dusk Till Dawn". Too lazy to look it up, but some chick stripped to it the other night and it was OMG SOOOO HAWT!
- "The Way I Are"
- "Sexy Back"
- "Cyclone"
- "Sugar"

Random Remembrances From Last Weekend

- Tequila Tequila Tequila! And constantly yelling "UNO MAS!"
- Drinking a lot of shit and a lot of different shit by the Jacuzzi
- Asking some random dude what his favorite drink was
- Him saying he didn't drink and then peacing out
- Some random chicks running around and me asking if they were age appropriate (as i was without glasses) and someone telling me that they were not
- Yelling at Hillary for some reason and her calling me a lot of nice names. Sad Story!
- Apparently getting into a very heated discussion about whether Mike Piazza was teh ghey.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

C'Mon Mans

- Stephen Garcia: South Carolina and the 'ole ball coach gave you every single opportunity possible to succeed and get your act together. You were surrounded with an embarrassment of riches in Lattimore and Alshon Jeffery. You were a talented quarterback with a bright future, and the spotlight in the SEC to play in the NFL. Yet, time and time again you fucked up and have now been dismissed due to alcohol and drug abuse. C'MON MAN!

- Nyjer Morgan: for calling Albert Pujols "Alberta" and then getting clowned twice in Center field in Game 2, including once on a rocket by Alberto. C'MON MAN!

- The referees in the LSU-Florida game that overturned the punter TD for an "excessive celebration" that 100% did not happen. If you're gonna flag that bullshit penalty, it better be fucking obvious! C'MON MAN!

- Tampa Bay Rays "fans" for having a half-empty stadium in that final 3-game series against the Yankees. And you know that half the people there were Yankees or Sox fans. That city is so unbelievably undeserving of that special team. C'MON MAN!

- The Chicago Bears offensive line for that embarrassment of a performance Monday night. No doubt Detroit's D-Line was in beast mode, but on most of those plays they weren't even making an effort to slow down the pass rush, giving up way too easily and not seeking a 2nd guy to block after whiffing on their 1st. C'MON MAN!

- Juqua Parker for jumping offsides to seal the Eagles 4th straight loss when it was OMG so fucking obvious that was all Buffalo was trying to do. C'MON MAN OF THE WEEK!

NFL Week 6 Picks

After a 2 week bye. Winners as always in bold. Not a great slate of games this week, and I really like the home favorites outside of the Bears and their porous offensive line.

10-6 in week 3
36-15 for the season

Panthers @ Falcons
Colts @ Bengals
Rams @ Packers
Jaguars @ Steelers
Eagles @ Redskins
49ers @ Lions
Bills @ Giants
Texans @ Ravens
Browns @ Raiders
Cowboys @ Patriots
Saints @ Bucs
Vikings @ Bears
Dolphins @ Jets

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Things That Deserve More Love

- "Happythankyoumoreplease"
- Stanford Football outside of Andrew Luck
- Jim Haslett and the Washington Redskins Defense
- The Tennessee Titans
- The SEC West
- The San Francisco 49ers and all of Nor Cal Football
- Scotch and its benefits
- Rain
- The beautiful ladies of Deja Vu- City of Industry

Can't Believe it's Only 1:30 am

- It seems much later than that
- I am very drunk at this point
- Fuck the Bears! I hate those Dirty Hippies! So fucking pumped for next week!
- Can't stop coughing.
- Oscillating fans= the immortal nuts
- I'm really gonna miss my Ted Mosby haircut but a fade is necessary as I cannot stand this crazy long hair any longer.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Random Remembrances from This Weekend

- Drunk blogging on Thursday night and talking shit to H's.
- Getting fucked up again on friday night.
- Drunk Madden with Ryan
- Discovering the awesomeness that is "Two Broke Girls"
- Oktoberfest in Lake Arrowhead
- Drinking a shit ton of beer
- Giving my spot in the stein holding contest to Rick. Thank God I did, and he almost shipped.
- Doing a lot of apologizing to Natalie's parents. It was unnecessary though.
- Falling in love with a readheaded cougar who drank a tallboy in like under 5 seconds.
- Having redheaded cougar come over to our table, flirting with her, and having her kiss me.
- Running after her, and being unable to find her in the parking lot to give her my number/ask her out.
- Some chick knocking over our tower of beer cups, running after her, saying I can't run I'm out of shape and telling her to either fix her mess or go out with me, her laughing at me before I finally gave her.

Picture of redheaded cougar kissing me

A Movie Review: "Moneyball"

This is a film that chronicles Billy Beane, a character based on former Dodgers GM Paul DePodesta, the 2002 Oakland A's and the evolution of sabermetrics from some geeky nerd term to a full-fleshed idea that changed the way baseball front offices evaluated talent, determined player value, and built their rosters.

This was a very good movie, and the performances across were the board were solid, especially Brad Pitt as the failed player turned general manager. I really liked how the movie used flashbacks to chronicle Beane's evolution from budding superstar to complete bust, to executive who uses his own failures as part of his strategy. One of Beane's major principles is avoiding high-risk high-upside high school players like he was in the MLB draft.

The baseball scenes were very well done, it's always good when you get actors/ex-players who know what they're doing and don't look like total hacks up there. Some nice cameos including Royce Clayton as Miguel Tejada. Actually that wasn't a nice cameo, I will forever hate that fucker as he was the Giants SS for the first 5 years of my Dodger fandom.

All in all, a very nice film that baseball fans and nonfans alike can enjoy about challenging an outdated system and competing in an unfair game. For the Beane detractors who say the A's haven't done shit lately, well it's because their payroll still sucks, and every other GM has adopted sabermetric strategy to at least an extent.

As for my opinion on sabermetrics vs. traditional scouting, one cannot argue with Beane's results and the effect that it had on the game. However, there are certain intangibles, x-factors that some players have and others don't that don't show up on a spreadsheet. Leadership and that drive/hustle is what separates the good teams from the championship teams. A team should be constructed using a balance of both systems of measurement imo.

MLB Playoff Predictions

I know that I'm a week late, but if you don't believe me, please check the link as I made my picks in an OT thread last week before the games started.

Division Series

Rangers over Rays in 5
Yankees over Tigers in 4

Brewers over D'Backs in 4
Cardinals over Phillies in 5

Championship Series

Rangers over Yankees in 5
Brewers over Cardinals in 6

World Series

Brewers over Rangers in 7