Tuesday, March 27, 2012

So There's This Girl...

and your moderator cannot stop thinking about her. She is the one being referred to in this week's polling question. Fear not, your moderator will make a decision as to how to play this, and he's pretty sure he's made up his mind, and might even take action tonight. I will say that it would be pretty HIMYM-like if she turned out to be "the one", because she has always been right on the cusp of being part of my life, without ever being a big part of it.

Further, the story of how I met her would be pretty great to tell my kids, because pretty much everything that happened in my life from the time I was born had to happen the way that it did or I would have never met her. The story would also require the telling of how I met at least 3 of my friends, because if I hadn't met any one of them then I wouldn't have met her. Wish me luck.

I Believe in Magic!!!

This is one of the happiest days of my life. Magic and the Dodgers united is a match made in LA Heaven. Good riddance to the McCunts please get the hell away from my team and stay out of LA forever! You've lost your LA privileges! I will stray from the subject of how much they made off of this because its only going to infuriate me, and just focus on the future. If this is Scully's last year, then this is a wonderful passing of the torch from Scully to Magic, the two most beloved figures in the history of Los Angeles sports. The Dodgers still have a long way to go to become a team that can bring us a World Championship, but this is an AMAZING step in the right direction because finally the team that I love more than anything in the world is in the right hands.

Now the hard part comes. Take a team that has been decimated by Satan and his whore wife, rebuild the farm system, rehire Ross Porter, fire the bumbling fool Colletti, reinvest in this team, reengerize the downtrodden fanbase, and most importantly bring the Commissionner's Trophy to Chavez Ravine where it belongs!

It Might Be Sunday If...

- When waking up, your first thought is where the fuck am I?
- When waking up, your second is thought how the fuck did I get here?
- When waking up, your third thought is where the fuck is all my shit?
- When waking up, your fourth thought is OMG who did I try to fight last night?
- When waking up, your fifth thought is OMG what chicks did I drunk dial/text/facebook last night?
- When waking up, your sixth thought is OMG my head hurts so fucking bad
- When standing up, you discover multiple drunk injuries
- You take at least 4 naps because if you don't you are gonna throw up
- You throw up in your car, in the shower, or on your clothes
- You have remembered everything that has happened so far this weekend, and yet your weekend feels ironically incomplete
- You spend half the day sending out apologies and worrying when people don't respond
- You cry when you see open your wallet
- You feel like you should go to church, but you cannot stand up properly
- You spend your entire day trying to find out what you did the previous day

Memo to All Local Businesses:

if you do not have a public bathroom, and your establishment serves food or beverages, that is fucking bullshit and you will not receive the patronage of yours truly or any of my small bladder/breaks the seal so badly its a joke when they drink brothers and sisters. we are sick and tired of having to pee behind buildings, or go to two or three different places before being able to pee in comfort. WE ARE FED UP AND WE WONT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Yes you have to put up with more drunk people, but trust me, us drunk people have subconsciousess and they remember what places have public bathrooms, and when we are sober we choose the bathroom place over the non-bathroom place all day.

Bad Things About Malls

- The Mother Fucking Parking
- The Goddamn crying screaming little kids everywhere. Hillary please help me!
- Your friends telling you that you are insane for trying to buy jewelry for some hawt chick that you barely know when if you had you would have had a 0.01% chance of having sex with her instead of a 0.005% chance.
- Those people that spray shit in your face and then try to get you to buy their awful smelling cologne
- The fucking lines, and all the fucking people everywhere who stand in the middle of the fucking everywhere and don't let you goddamn move.
- The fact that you always spend a shit ton more money than you planned on spending
- All the teenage kids that are almost if not more annoying than the babies

Side Note: I think I just ate a piece of cheese that had a hair on it that was not mine. NBD

Good Things About Malls

- Copious amounts of smoking hawt chicks usually wearing skimpy clothing
- There are sports shops
- If you forgot Valentines Day, your anniversary, or your woman's birthday, they have everything you need to get you sex sometime within the next year
- The chicks working at the "girl stores" are very helpful when you ask questions like: "I have no idea what I'm doing here. I have no idea what to buy- I know nothing about any of this girl shit. Can you please help me?"
- Victoria's Secret! NOUGH SAID!
- Sbarro: fuck the haters i love that place
- When it is Christmas Eve and you have not yet begun your shopping, you only have to make one stop. And they allow you to run frantically around like a drunk chicken with its head cut off.

This is a Test

to see which of you fucking foolios actually read my blog, and which of you just say that you do. If you are reading this, send me a text that says: "go fuck yourself".

Single ladies are welcome to substitute any sexually suggestive saying that they want.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

The Moderator Scale

BAC 0.00= most awkward human being on the face of the planet
BAC 0.01-0.25= most legendary human being on the face of the planet
BAC 0.25 or more= most ridiculous human being on the face of the planet

Regardless of BAC your fearless moderator always seeks to make you laugh whether it is with him or at him, and does a damn good job of doing so.

Congrats Brian and Shanna!

- What an awesome week from the bachelor party to the rehearsal dinner to the Parrelli BBQ to the big day! Thank you to everybody who made it possible.
- You two are an amazing couple both on your own and together. The moderator wishes you both a lifetime of happiness together.
- Wow the service and reception were both amazing. I can't wait to see the pictures and watch the video. FYI: the cameraman and woman actually loved the moderator, said he did well, and I didn't get yelled at once while taking pictures. FYI2: I did not have to hug anyone so that definitely made things easier.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

RIP Teri

I always loved and looked up to you as a second mom. Everytime I would see you at a party/special occasion you would be the first person to come up to me and greet me and ask how I was doing. I never heard you say a bad word to or about anyone. I fondly remember going over to your house when Ryan and I were younger after school to shoot some baskets or just hang out, and you telling me that I had to stay for dinner, because you would make italian food just for me because you knew it was my favorite, and to this date you still made the best italian food that I have ever had. That was the type of warmth, compassion, and thought for others that you showed every day of your life. You were a wonderful mom to your sons, and I promise to stay brothers to them forever. I miss you, but I know that you are in paradise with God now. I will forever love you and never forget you. Rest in peace.

People that I Love

Just wanted to take a moment to express my love and gratitude to all my brothers and sisters (you know you are), and all of their families for everything that they have done for me over the years. Words cannot express how I think of all of you not only as actual members of my family. This includes everybody who reads my blog on a regular basis, and everybody that I have seen in the past week. I cannot wait to spend more awesome times with you all, and when I tell my future kids the story of how i met their mother, you all will be prominent characters.

Random Remembrances from March 16-March 19

- Being drunk for about 40 of 50 straight hours
- Started off with a few beers on friday night.
- Had a shit ton of bomb tacos
- Everybody talking shit to me for eating the tacos plain
- Taking 75 different types of shots that Rick, Paul, Ryan, and others were making
- A very nice toast from Ryan
- No epic toast from Matt Haney
- Performing very poorly at beer pong.
- Somebody hacking with my facebook and my sister texting me to delete asap. Whoever the fuck that was, I am going to find you, and I am going to kick your ass.
- Pretty much being the best dancer ever with Casey. Like John Travolta/Uma Thurman from "Pulp Fiction" good. Video will be posted at a later date.
- Telling everybody who was there that I loved them, and meaning it
- Talking a lot of shit back and forth with Carlos and RJ
- Proving why I am going to be the best uncle ever. Hillary support me on this one.
- Paul and I doing what we do best, and just talking non-stop shit to each other
- Rick and me getting a few shots each and Natalie and me actually being nice to one another.
- A lot of people disappearing for long periods of time

- Waking up at 8:30 and not knowing what the fuck was going on
- Off to Vegas a couple hours later
- Got there and proceeded to pound Chivas with Brian and the rest of the groomsmen for about 5 hours.
- Not eating. This was a very bad idea.
- Going to Fat Tuesdays, cutting in front of about 30 people (I seriously was so fucked up I did not know they were there) and splitting a round of 190's for everyone with Scott
- BLACKING THE FUCK OUT!!! Like for at least 3 hours
- Going to the room for a few minutes to chill the fuck out
- Wandering around the Bellagio for about 2 hours. At one point I was by some random gate and the security lady asks what the fuck I am doing and I say I have no idea
- Playing poker and drinking about 2 chivas' an hour until 6am and fail flirting with two hot chicks at my table
- Delivering and receiving about 20 million drunk texts, dials, and facebook messages.

- Waking up 3 hours later
- Wanting to cry when I saw some of the drunk texts and fb messages/posts I made. I will have a few less fb friends this week.
- Breakfast then played poker and drank about 6-7 Chivas'
- Going to the room and having 3 more glasses of scotch
- Best fucking steak dinner of my life + another scotch
- More Chivas, a show, and a lot of wandering around and getting lost
- Having to chill the fuck out because I had to be up early
- Gambling and losing half of what I was up for the trip and being insane crazy pissed the fuck off and wanting to go to the strip club and blow the rest of my money
- Donked out, slept a few hours, and then peaced

- LSHS Golf Reunion with Paul and Ryan. I sucked, but it was great playing with you two again. Whether in CA or NC we need to do that shit again soon.

Random Remembrances from March 2-March 10

- Ryan, Hillary, and my Nemesis trying to teach me how to dance, and things going poorly.
- 800,000,000 shots of all different types of shit
- Watching like 500 more drunk videos of me, and watching them over and over again.
- Playing some cards and absolutely pounding whiskey with Ahron
- Getting to Skyler's going away party (going to miss you bro) and people giving me shit to do shots right away
- Talking to some random chicks and doing not well
- Taking shots with a whole bunch of random older people
- Mixing like 3 different types of whiskey in the same cup. It did not taste good.
- Eating a brownie and then being told that it was a pot brownie.
- Freaking the fuck out until Mikey P told me that it wasn't and that everyone was fucking with me
- Everybody disappearing except my man Erik.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

You Might Be a Crazy Drunk If (Part 2)...

- An ejection and vomit free night qualifies as a success
- The majority of your facebook posts from the past year were posted when your BAC was over 0.10
- It is March 1st, and you already have double digit videos in the hands of at least 5 people documenting your drunken shenanigans.
- Anytime you see a girl acting crazy while drunk you consider her your "soulmate"
- You have ever told your Spanish professor: "Yo soy borracho y yo soy pendejo" when she asked you if you were feeling okay.
- You have ever failed a college class because you needed at least 4 more hours to survive the hangover
- You have ever been studying for a final, and decided that you learn better drunk, got drunk, took the final borderline passed out, and still got an "A"- might have been an A- but still impressive.
- You ever went to class drunk, scribbled some notes (that looked like a 2 year old wrote them), fell asleep, and then peaced out, and everyone thought you were just sick because you're just a sicko who can chill when he has to.
- You have an entire blog dedicated 75% to your drunken shenanigans and it has 8,000+ page views

Aside: I am seriously starting to believe that How I Met Your Mother steals shit from my blog. From Barney falling in love with a stripper, Barney and Ted spending WAY too much time at a strip club, the Drunk Train, Barney's insane antics + rules, and Ted's emo mushiness its seriously like they steal from this shit.

Things That Will Not End Well...

All the below situations assume that your BAC is greater than 0.15

- Outgoing messages of any kind
- What comes after the phrase "Fuck it. I'm gonna go for it."
- Going to the bathroom
- Turning on your computer for any reason whatsoever
- Opening your wallet for any reason whatsoever
- Going within 100 feet of an ATM
- Being within 5 miles of a strip club
- Entering a bar/club with a strict ejection policy with the moderator
- Any bet for any reason whatsoever
- What comes after the phrase: "can i buy you a drink?"
- Not looking for rings
- Drinking an "Adios" or "Four Loko" unless your intention is to not remember anything in the morning
- Doing shots of Jager for any reason whatsover
- Not eating

February 29th and Other Things That Happen Once Every 4 Years

I know this post a day late, but better late than never...

- Me meeting a redhead and not insta falling in love with her (this actually happened to me yesterday). Objectively she was attractive, but she just didn't do it for me. But never fear about your moderator, today I met another redhead- a cougar this time, and DID insta fall in love.
- Ned Colletti making an intelligent baseball decision
- The moderator having either a major surgery or an outpatient procedure going horribly awry. BTW: I am totally due for one anyday now.
- A bangable chick hitting on me
- The moderator going out drinking and NOT breaking the seal
- The moderator producing quality blogging while sober which I am right now which is why this post sucks
- Ok I fixed myself a scotch on the rocks, this should get better.
- The moderator producing shitty blogging with any alcohol in his system