Friday, March 26, 2010

Where the Fuck?

is Ronald Belisario. Granted the Dodgers' pen is still stacked, but this guy was huge for us last year, and his disappearance is greatly disturbing. Seriously, send me down there, and I'll try and track him down. As for the positional battles, I'm pulling for Stults (guy has been clutch every time we've called him up + he's out of options so I'd hate to see him go) and DeWitt. DeWitt has a greater ceiling, and I'd love to see him get some regular PT.

Xavier-Kansas State

Just an unreal game, what March Madness and this tournament is all about. Kind of bummed that Cornell went down, but at least Butler advanced, with Northern Iowa and Mount St. Mary's going tomorrow to keep mid major hopes alive.

- How the fuck does K State commit that foul at the end of regulation?
- Such a sick 3 ball from Xavier at the end of OT1
- Never seen so many straight clutch tough shots from both sides, mad props to both teams, the game of the tournament so far. Too bad someone had to lose, and that the game had to end. Wish they could have played all night.

Apologies to My Readers

for the slow-paced and generally uninteresting nature of this blog in recent times. I haven't forgotten about it, and definitely still have the motivation to post, however, lets just say that I'm dealing with a certain situation, and until said issue is resolved, blogging just doesn't seem right. If you are confused, please refer to the person you know who knows me best, and they should be able to fill you in. Once again, apologies, trust me that everything will be explained, and things will return to normal or at least somewhat normal in due time, but for the moment, this blog will be mostly sports related.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Top 10 Signs That You're a Crazy Drunk

(1) Your friend says: "Remember that time you got us kicked out of...xxxx) and you reply "Which time"

(2) You have been 86ed from numerous locals.

(3) Your friends' moms post facebook status updates alluding to you and your drunken craziness.

(4) "I don't remember" is one of your top 10 most commonly used expressions.

(5) Most people go to church or hang out with their families on Sundays. You: consume high levels of advil, orange juice, delete super ra tarded drunk facebook comments, wish death and teh AIDS upon yourself, and try and reconstruct the previous night's events by reading all your texts, and checking time stamps.

(6) The amount of text messages in your outbox, and the number of dialed calls in your phone's history double on Saturday nights between the hours of 10pm and 3am.

(7) Your friends who aren't partying with you, just automatically turn their phones off or put them on silent on Saturday nights before going to bed.

(8) The only thing that makes Sunday mornings tolerable, is finding your wallet, phone, clothes, etc. still in your possession.

(9) You have ever had a hawt female police officer pull you over and make sure you were okay while walking home drunk. Damn that chick was fine, def. could have had some handcuff related fun with her.

(10) Pretty obvious, you are out drinking with me, and I'm not the biggest jackass in the group, which does actually happen on occasion, so nice to know there are fellow crazy drunks out there, and I'm not the only one.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

My Matt Cassel Article

The ultimate underdog story may be Matt Cassel who, despite having never started a game in college, parlayed a successful USC Pro Day, and one Tom Brady injury into a $63 million contract with the Chiefs. While his first year with the Chiefs was far below expectations, things were not entirely his fault, so does 2010 promise a much rosier outlook for both him and the Chiefs offense? Let’s take a look…

The emergence of Jamaal Charles and additions of Thomas Jones behind him and Ryan Lilja and Casey Weigman in front of him has 2010 promising to bring a much better recipe for success for Cassel and the Chiefs offense. Lilja and Wiegmann will add depth and veteran leadership to an offensive line that was downright offensive in 2009, surrendering 45 sacks, including 42 to Cassel. Now Cassel has to shoulder some of the blame (he does have the tendency to hold the ball for too long) the line still should improve in 2010, especially if the Chiefs draft a franchise left tackle in the first round. The 2010 Chiefs should be able to move the ball a lot better, now that they have a powerful running game to lean on, alleviating much of the pressure from Cassel, and in turn, increasing his overall touchdown potential.

Perhaps the biggest asset boosting Cassel’s fantasy value might be the Chiefs’ resigning of Chris Chambers this offseason. Chambers developed a very solid rapport with Cassel after his mid-season acquisition. He will continue to be relied upon heavily as Cassel’s primary possession receiver - he caught at least 3 passes and 50+ yards in seven of the nine games that he played with the Chiefs, including two triple digit yardage games, and four touchdowns.

Opposite Chambers is Dwayne Bowe, who must get out of Todd Haley’s doghouse, put the abysmal suspension/dropped ball laden-2009 campaign behind him and re-establish himself as the playmaking receiver that he was in his first two seasons in Kansas City. Cassel struggled mightily during Bowe’s four game suspension; posting 9 of his 19 turnovers during that brief stretch. It is obvious that Cassel needs Bowe in order to have successful season and if Cassel and Bowe can develop chemistry with one another, then this Chiefs offense really has a chance to take off and become an elite unit.

While some may argue that the Chiefs need a third option to emerge or that the Chiefs need to make a move for another receiving option, I say they already have a third weapon in Jamaal Charles. Aside from his explosiveness in the running game, Charles caught 40 passes for nearly 300 yards in 2009 despite seeing limited action in the first seven weeks.

I think Charles' role in the receiving game will only continue to grow in 2010. Anyone who watched a Chiefs game last year knows that Charles is Chris Johnson-lite in that even the simplest and nonchalant of plays can quickly turn into a big play touchdown. Charles is one of the more dynamic and electrifying players in the league.

Also, while the Chiefs have upgraded their offense they still have not made any major splashes on the defensive side of the ball, and unless GM Scott Pioli has a big trade up his sleeve, you can expect one of the league’s worst defensive units to remain exactly that. This will force Cassel & Co. to continue playing from behind, forcing plenty of pass attempts and increasing Cassel's stats across the board. As a matter of fact, 12 of Cassel’s 16 touchdown passes in 2009 came in the second half. I expect more of the same in 2010.

Ultimately though, this is going to be Jamaal Charles’ offense with Cassel serving as a game manager. He'll be expected to protect the ball until the 4th quarter where (due to the Chiefs’ defensive ineptitude) he will have to air it out.

The addition of Thomas Jones further solidifies the fact that this will be a run-first team, although that isn’t necessarily terrible for Cassel’s fantasy value (as a stronger running game will lead to sustained drives and a higher touchdown ratio) but you should not draft Cassel expecting him to even approach QB1 numbers.

You could do worse than drafting Cassel as your QB2, but I would rather draft one with a higher ceiling such as Matthew Stafford or Joe Flacco. There are still too many question marks surrounding Cassel for 2010 purposes but he is worth keeping an eye on in keeper leagues.

For the purpose of 2010 he is nothing more than a mediocre QB2, putting up an occasional big game, but the average week being thoroughly vanilla.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

March Madness

What an unbelievably ridiculously awesome day of college hoops. From Georgetown getting blown out by OH-IO, to Villanova almost going down to Robert Morris, to buzzer beaters, and overtime games galore, this day was nonstop excitement and 13 of the 16 games were competitive. Lets just say, I'm definitely pumped for the rest of the tournament, this will be the perfect sports fix for the remaining weeks until baseball starts. So, my top 10 countdown of greatest March Madness moments, in no particular order. I have missed some of the classics including the famous Illinois-Arizona game, so forgive me if your favorite moment is off the list:

- Laettner! I was 7 at the time, but I still remember watching this game at my grandma's house. Sick clutch play after clutch play in what was probably the greatest college hoops game ever.

- Chris Webber calling timeout when Michigan had none left, and no championship for the Fab Five. Pretty self-explanatory

- Bryce Drew and Valparaiso: Such a perfectly designed play, Valpo went onto win another game, before falling in a great Sweet 16 game. My favorite Cinderella team ever.

- Memphis-Kansas for the Championship. Chalmers' miracle, Memphis missing 38854890 free throws down the stretch, and Kansas coming back from something like 9 points down in the final 2 minutes to force OT, and ship the Title.

- George Fucking Mason: I still remember being in the Bellagio poker room for the end of the George Mason-UConn game. The entire final 5 minutes of regulation and overtime, the poker room, and adjacent sports book were beyond insane. Probably the most insane indoor atmosphere I've ever been a part of, and what a game it was, as George Mason became the most improbable of Final Four teams.

- TODAY March 18, 2010, probably the greatest single day in the history of the tournament.

- Syracuse vs. Kansas for the Title. Carmelo Anthony and Gerry McNamara vs. Kirk Hinrich and Nick Collison, it was an unbelievable title game, and Hakim Warrick's block of Kansas' last second shot to tie the game, was an amazing tournament moment.

- The entire 1998 tournament from start to finish

- Stephen Curry and Davidson. One man single handedly willed his team to the elite eight, and came ohh so close to the Final Four, and what would have surpassed George Mason as the greatest Cinderella in tournament history.

And of course, #1, which until UC Irvine, CSUF, or a 16 seed win a tournament game, will always be my top tournament moment: Princeton 43 UCLA 41, not just because it was UCLA though. Here you had the defending national champions, albeit without the O'Bannon brothers, but still one of the most physically gifted teams in the country playing a bunch of slow, unathletic rocket scientists, and just this one time the geeks actually won in real life. Not the prettiest game ever, but the electricity in that arena was unreal, and that was about as heavily invested as I've ever gotten in a game not involving my teams. If they played 100 times, UCLA would win 99 times, but Princeton won this one time, and that's what makes this tournament so great. The image of that final perfectly executed backdoor cut play will stay with me forever.

My Screenplay

Alright I've alluded to a screenplay to many of you, but I guess I owe you all some details. I'm up to 40 pages now although my formatting is SUPER FUCKED UP, so I probably have more pages than that once the formatting gets fixed (90-120 pages= standard screenplay length). Tentatively named "Carpe Diem", there are several different storylines that will all converge at the end of the film. The film is a mix of true stories, as well as dramatization, you know for Hollywood, and there has been some changing of the facts for creative purposes, but the characters are true to their real life counterparts.

I guess the reason why I'm posting this, is because Lord knows I need all the help I can get (I've hit somewhat of a road block, well not so much that, but I need some help getting direction from here, what storylines are working, which aren't, and what should I focus on from here on out? What doesn't make sense? Anything that could help.) so if you would like to read it, just ask, send me your email address and I will email you a copy. I mean I didn't start this project with these vast illusions that it would be the next big box office hit, but I've spent a good deal of time on it, so I would like to put forth the best product possible, and give myself the best chance possible of getting it produced. Be forewarned, it is lDO a very long read, and the story is pretty much chick flickish in genre, with some drama mixed in, as well as of course a very strong baseball motif.

The Main Characters:

- Marc1313, and the two couples: Ryan + Hillary and Paul + Heather, and marc1313's "girl who got away". All characters have of course been renamed to protect the innocent.

The Story:

- The framing device for the film sees Marc1313 driving with Paul and Heather after dinner (this was where I got the idea for the film, so it had to start there) where he suffers a heart attack. The idea actually had to do with my odometer reading 177.6 (obv. reference to birth of our nation), and 1776 was the original title of the film, but I changed it to "Carpe Diem" for reasons that will become obvious as the film progresses.

- Plot Line #1: The present situation: marc1313 is recovering but not out of the woods yet, and while lying on his hospital bed, to help keep his mind off the pain tells Paul + Heather the story of him and "the one who got away" which will be shown to the audience in a series of flashbacks.

- Plot Line #2: Ryan + Hillary try and get to the hospital, but encounter problems en route.

- Plot Line #3: The great times that these five friends have shared together, building their friendships, as well as the relationships between Ryan-Hillary and Paul-Heather

- Plot Line #4 (past tense + the main plot line at this point, although that could change): Marc1313's relationship with "the girl who away". Ryan's character has a major part in this storyline.

- Ending: Well I won't give it away for you, you have to read it for yourself, lets just say that it is both ridiculously predictable and unpredictable at the same time, and that all four story lines will come together perfectly. While I am open to change aspects of the rest of the story, the ending will NOT be changed under any circumstances, so just deal with it.


Alright, just logged onto my myspace page for the first time in over a year with the intention of deleting it, but had to do some quick perusing of old posts, and couldn't bring myself to do it. My general observations:

- Before drunk facebooking, there was drunk myspacing, and hot damn there was nobody better at it than me. You all know me to be a fairly modest person, but nobody and I mean nobody is better at saying ridiculously funny random shit whilst intoxicated.
- Ryan Dow, you sir are a very good fucking friend. That is all.
- As much of a degen as I am now, my level of degeneracy was UNREAL absolutely unreal from the period of September 13, 2005 (21st birthday)-July 30, 2006 (splenectomy).
- I probably consumed more alcohol in the period of March 2006-July 2006 than most people consume in their lifetime.
- Drunk marc1313 is fucking awesome, sober marc1313 ehh kind of a pussy, but at least he's a "nice guy".

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy Fucking St. Patrick's Day Everybody!

Wishing you all an awesomely lucky day! We're all Irish today, so drink like a fucking Irishman, call your nearest cabfare, and bang some hawt Irish chick, or guy if you're a chick/Paul.

Earthquake Notes

- Pretty sure that the moderator executed the worst "attempt" at a duck and cover in human history
- As has been stated in previous posts, I have this recurring dream where I "wake up" am in imminent danger, and am unable to move/speak, etc. so when the earthquake happened and I actually woke up, my first thought was: "Not this shit again"
- However, I quickly realized this was no dream, so like kind of tried to move, literally rolled out of my bed, thinking "Fuck me this is "the big one"".
- Delirious, I then "attempted" to perform the worst duck and cover in human first I tried to roll under my bed (bad idea considering the space underneath my bed has not been cleaned in 3280894389 years), and there could be dead animals under there for all I know.
- I then just kind of didn't know what to do and just laid down on the floor, right underneath the lights, which is of course you know genius, rolling underneath glass during an earthquake.

Cliffs Notes: I'm like kind of retarded and earthquakes are still fucking awesome, so long as nobody dies or is seriously injured.

Monday, March 15, 2010

What The Fuck?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is wrong with the fucking moderator? Obv. this is an edited post, made by a SOBER moderator who really has some major fucking problems, especially when it comes to women.

***Official Thank You Ryan and Hillary Post***

For many many reasons, including always being there for me, being super awesome, blah blah mushy gushy fucking blah, but most importantly, for getting me hooked on hip hop music. I find it unreal that I used to despise this stuff, and now I can't get enough of it, and fucking love it. *fist bump* *fist bump*.

To Look Back or Not Look Back?

Alright, so you pass by some hawt chick, maybe you know her, maybe you don't, this poses the age old question as to whether you should look back for a second look or not? Men have fought over this question for ages, and both sides have some very solid arguments, but I intend to lay this argument to rest, once and for all.

Arguments For NOT Looking Back

- It makes you look desperate and/or creepy
- Anybody who catches you including people in your party might think less of you
- Focusing all your attention on this one chick might distract you, and cause you to miss seeing some other hawt piece of ass who's walking by
- You might just get your ass kicked

Arguments in FAVOR of Looking Back

- Who the fuck cares what other people are thinking. Quick aside: an entire of table of chicks caught me very unsubltly checking out our hawt waitress the other night, and I could not give less of a fuck. I'm probably never seeing any of them again, I'm going to be a guy and be proud of it.
- Checking out the hottie will at least secure in everyone's mind that you are not teh ghey
- If she looks nice from the front, I mean you absolutely HAVE to see if she looks as nice from behind. It is not only your right, but your DUTY and obligation as a man to do so.
- You might catch her looking back as well, in which case damn boy you might have something cooking. Go get some.
- Worst case scenario: You're going to get a nice view, I mean that's the main reason you're looking back anyways. Life's too short to be a fag, do what makes you happy. Exceptions: You are in the presence of your girlfriend/fiance/wife, mother, grandmother, or anyone else whom you don't want to offend.

Guest Contributors

If any of you have something on your mind, or have a funny subject that you would like to discuss, I am officially opening TDMoM1313 up for guest contributors under the following conditions:

- You are a subscriber who has adopted some of this blog's lingo i.e. "teh ghey", "Go Fuck Yourself" or "Get AIDS" into your daily lingo
- Your post is humorous, and about a "fun topic": no politics, news, or controversial bullshit will be tolerated
- Your post must contain some version of the word "fuck" at least once, preferably multiple times in the post.
- Your post must meet the ridiculously immoral standards by which this blog is regulated
- If you would like to post something, send it to me, and full credit will of course be awarded to said author.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

10 Random Things That Are Impossible Not to Love

(1) Popcorn
(2) Saying "Go Fuck Yourself"
(3) Fantasy Football
(4) Poolside Coronas and Margaritas on a hot as fuck summer day
(5) Opening Day
(6) Hawt Chicks running
(7) "How I Met Your Mother"
(8) March Madness...I watched one fucking college hoops games this year, but who the fuck cares, let the Madness begin Thursday. Of course I FUCKING LOVE "One Shining Moment" with all the tournament highlights at the end of the title game.
(9) Rivalry Saturday
(10) Fantasy Baseball/Football/NFL Drafts...two fucking weeks, and one fucking month, so excited...OKUNG OKUNG OKUNG please!!!

Movie Review: "She's Out of My League"

- Alright, let me preface, in case you couldn't tell from the trailer, if you are an uptight prick, or a movie snob, you're probably not going to like this movie.
- However, if you have a sense of humor, and lets face it if you read this blog, you clearly do, then you're probably going to thoroughly enjoy this movie.
- Don't mistake my love of this movie for critical praise, it's not going to win any Oscars, though it won't win any Razzies either. Critically speaking, it is merely slightly above average.
- But, this movie wasn't made to win any awards, it was made to make us die of laughter, while maintaining some heart, and giving us "moodles" some hope, guidance, and confidence, which it absofuckinglutely did on all counts.
- Perhaps the greatest compliment that I can say about the movie, is that I can't figure out who was my favorite character, because they were all awesome, all pulled their own weight, and contributed to the funnies. Absolutely no weak links in the cast, and the characters who were comic unfoils, did their job well, quietly ceding to the characters who were designed to make us LOL.
- Seriously can't remember the last time I had this much fun at a movie theatre, the laughs never let up, I was thoroughly entertained from start to finish, and perhaps most importantly, like "The 40 Year Old Virgin" this raunchy comedy still managed to have some heart, and tell a solid story.

Grade: A...and I never fucking give those out. Many many memorable scenes, and just 2 hours of unrelenting super awesomeness, this film has instantly made my top 10 favorite movies.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Life's Greatest Unanswered Questions

(1) What the fuck is the deal with women, and what do they really want?
(2) What is the REAL best cure for a hangover?
(3) Blondes or Brunettes?
(4) Is Pujols a juicer, or is he really some sort of superhuman?
(5) Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?
(6) Does prayer really work when it comes to pregnancy scares?
(7) What's a greater accomplishment: Banging two 5's or one 10?
(8) What the FUCK is the name of the chick who was all over me at the wedding? This shit is absolutely driving me crazy!
(9) So what's the deal with Asian Drivers? We can solve complex 10 level math problems in our head, but we can't make a fucking left turn, or a right turn for that matter. What the fuck is up with that? It's really sad how rapidly Asian my driving is getting, I give it another 6 months, before my friends refuse to let me drive them anywhere, and I lose permanent Group Driver Status.
(10) What will come first: A white guy who can dance, or a black guy who sets fire to a Popeyes and lives to tell about it?
(11) Which will come first, a Mexican owned condom company, or a Middle Eastern Air Traffic Controller?


Just realized that it is my half-birthday...25 1/2 years old. Fuck I'm basically a goddamn skeleton at this point. Pretty sure this calls for a celebration, drunk blogging tonight and/or drunken craziness later tonight is almost sure to ensue.

My Take on Beer

- Alright, I'm kind of becoming a bit of a beer snob, and obviously there are certainly beers that I prefer over others.
- However, a beer is still a beer! While there are certainly guys drinks, and girls drinks when it comes to cocktails, when it comes to beers, they are all gender neutral imo, and no beer should really be refused by a man.
- Especially if another man has purchased said beer for you, but that's just me, some guys are very particular about their beers, and while I have certainly moved past the cheap light beers phase (although Coors Light is ALWAYS A ok with me), I'll still drink them at any time, if one is offered to me, or if I just want to go cheap, or if it's just for beer pong.

Current Playlist

- "Thunderstruck"
- "Solo"
- "Lean like a Cholo"
- "So Crispy"
- "November Rain"
- "Go Getta"
- "Forever"
- "Sexy Back"

Thursday, March 11, 2010

My tteeth

just feel so diseased...probably shouldn't have had that last drink

The Moderator's Likeliest Causes of Death

Might I just state again for the record, that if I die, (a) If one Mr. Paul Michael Smith aka Super Homo aka Mrs. Heather Owen is still alive, that he/she is to receive $1,000 from either my Poker Stars account, or savings account as payment for winning our last longer bet (b) I fucking love you all (c) Instead of having some mushy gushy bullshit funeral where everybody says a bunch of "nice" bullshit about me that they don't really believe, I want my funeral to be one major insane crazy massive party, where everybody gets insane crazy fucking drunk. Seriously, cabs and limos only, because none of you fuckers better be driving home. Keep the BAC above 0.25 at all times please.

#5- HIV/AIDS as a result of engaging in intercourse with chicks who may have been a little bit too morally be honest, this would be the coolest way to go out, because before i die, i guarantee that i will hook up with every hawt chick with said disease in the Southern California region
#4- Victim of 2nd degree murder as a result of defending one of the H's from some douchebag fucktard.
#3- Heart Failure as a result of preexisting conditions + having the worst diet known to mankind and/or a refusal to exercise, or do anything resembling a healthy lifestyle
#2- Freak Accident...umm yea the moderator is kind of accident prone in case you haven't noticed, and his Asian Driving is getting worse and worse by the day
#1- Alcohol explanation needed i hope


Alright, here is the list of women whom even if they told me that they had the HIV Virus/some other major STD, AND that this would be the only occasion in which I would be able to hook up with them, I would still "hook up" with them. Please note: it's not like I have a death wish, but I would put my life expectancy at 10-15 more years max at this point to be honest, Magic has lived with teh AIDS for almost 20 years, and I'm a mother fucking fighter, so honestly, even if I got AIDS tomorrow, I would still expect to die of something other than that: like my fucking heart condition, my lack of spleen, complete obliberation of my liver through the consumption of advil and alcohol, and/or heart disease as a result of insanely unhealthy appetite + refusal to exercise under any circumstances whatsoever.

- Carrie Underwood
- Kaley Cuoco (Penny)
- A certain "super hot friend"
- Isla Fisher
- Megan Fox

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

People Who Can Go Fuck Themselves

- People who drive slow in the left lane...hey fucktards, there's a place for people who drive like little bitches: It's called the right lane, FUCKING use it!
- Douchebags that give either of the H's a hard time. One of these days I'm going to get my ass kicked, like really badly, but ohh well.
- People who don't tip when someone else paid for their goddamn breakfast. Yes, I'm talking about you Mr. Pink.
- Bud Selig for being the most useless fuck of a "commish" ever. FFS a real Salary Cap one mother fucking time! One of the many reasons why the NFL is the best run league on the planet.
- Violators of Man Law #1
- This fucking tool who talks to much, and is totally after the same chick that I'm after. Just want to punch this guy in the mouth, everything about him pisses me the fuck off.
- The entire Steinbrenner Family just on general principal

10 "Types" of Chicks That I Love

(1) Chicks with curly hair
(2) Chicks who are shorter than me
(3) Australian Chicks
(4) Half Asian Chicks
(5) Southern Belles
(6) Chicks in the Adult Entertainment industry
(7) Chicks who never stop smiling
(8) Chicks who have dirty minds
(9) The "quiet librarian" types that you know are freaks in bed
(10) Chicks who are as fucking weird as I am

New Drunk Dial Rules

- If someone drunk dials you, you are obligated to drunk dial them the next time you are hammered, it's just common fucking courtesy
- Drunk dialing someone zero times in a night is fine, twice in a night is better, three + times is the best, but exactly one time is NEVER acceptable! If you're going to drunk dial, at least have the wherewithall to follow through and continue to show them your love or hate for the duration of your intoxication. Calling them once, and then not calling back is just flat out insulting.
- Use of some variation of the f word is MANDATORY!

Random Shit That I Love

- My family, as well as my friends and their families. I always feel so loved whenever I am in the presence of any and all of my friends' families. You are all super fucking awesome.
- Drunk Dials: Both making them, and receiving them, although if I may critique, I would appreciate some more profanity in received drunk dials in the future. Come on, you're fucked up people, let me hear it. Call me a fuckhead cocksucker mother fucker, and add your own special touch to the call. Get innovative, I always appreciate creativity.
- Pixar: Seriously, do these guys and gals know anything but perfection? From Ratatouille, to Wall-E, to Up, the animation is not only amazing, but the stories are as well. Ratatouille isn't just my favorite animated movie, it's one of my favorite movies period, and the opening scene in Up, where not a single word was spoken, was one of the most touching pieces of cinema ever. Yea I'm a fag, but I almost cried.
- Bachelor Parties/Weddings: Seriously considering proposing to the next hawt piece of ass that I see, because the past two weeks have been unfucking believable.
- Flaming Hot Cheetos
- Puffy Taco
- Lucille's: they pretty much all know me there now
- Fucking Toothpicks: went 7 hours the other day chewing on the same toothpick. Perfect stress release for twitchy OCD fucked up nutcases like yours truly
- Youtube: Seriously, the greatest fucking invention ever

I Am Officially Super Fucked in the Head

Alright, so I have this recurring dream. I "wake up", and there is usually some sort of external force threatening me, sometimes it is just a voice, other times there is actually some sort of physical presence, whether a person, or an event threatening me harm. Either way, I try to get out of bed, or move to avert danger, but find myself completely paralyzed, like can't move a single muscle, and can't talk. Even still, danger is always averted, although I sweat bullets pretty bad before I do. Often, this cycle continues over and over again, until I eventually wake up for realz. Now I'm no dream analyzer, but I'm pretty sure this one means: You are Fucking Insane!

Random Shit That I Miss

- My mother fucking vicodin...pretty sure I still have some around here, I kind of feel a major headache coming on
- Super hawt nurses lDO
- Going to Del Taco after school
- 1am Del Taco runs after poker nights
- 3am drives down Culver to get some fucking Jack in the Box
- Golf and actually being good at it
- Vegas...yea it's only been a couple of weeks, but GFY! Only 3.5 months till Eric's 21st bday insanity. Can't even imagine how insane Sam Dow is gonna be in Vegas.
- Social Distortion shows...seriously boys, we need to do another one of those sometime soon
- Playing Baseball and getting rolled up on Sunday afternoons
- Vin Scully

Monday, March 8, 2010

Marc1313's Wedding Plan *Revised*

All this wedding stuff, got me thinking about my own potential and well lets face it probably 100% hypothetical wedding. Before you say: holy fuck this guy is out of his fucking mind, take a minute to contemplate how truly fucking this awesome idea is, at least from the standpoint of someone who's life basically is Dodger baseball. Also note: any and all of you are 100% free to steal this idea from me.

If you know or are a single female between the ages of 21-30, who is a 6 or higher on the 1-10 scale, and who is at least a 3 tool woman (read my 5 tool woman post), who would not only be down for this idea, but loves it as much as I do, please make the proper introductions IMMEDIATELY, for said female enters Carrie Underwood insta marry territory.

The Venue: Dodger Stadium
The Date/Time: Sunset on a perfect summer's afternoon (when our Dodgers are on the road of course) so we can have the reception under the lights.
The Guests: Would be seated in chairs on the infield grass
The Officiant: Ideally would be Vin Scully himself, but the backup plan would be to have Brian Parrelli ordained as the officiant to perform in the impersonation that started it all: Mr. Scully.
The Groomsmen: There would be 7 of them, each would be assigned a "position", and would be announced by the officiant, at which time they run out of the dugout to a walk up song of their choice, and take their place along the baseline. As much as I love tuxing/suiting up, in lieu of said dress, each would wear an authentic jersey of their favorite team, making this an "All Star Game" so to speak, with their name and number on the back. Perfect excuse to get that authentic jersey you've always wanted to get but "shouldn't get".
The Best Man and Groom: Will be in the Dodger bullpen, warming up, I think I might even take a baseball and gloves so we'll literally be warming up + that would help keep me calm and collected. The Best Man runs in to a walk up song of his choice, with the shin guards on and all. The Groom then enters to a walk up song of his choice (I'm leaning towards "Thunderstruck" with "Sexy Back" being in 2nd at the moment).
The Bridesmaids: are then announced, wearing whatever the fuck they want (I'm sure as fuck not telling a group of girls what to wear), and can line up however they want.

The Bride: Then comes in down the red carpet, from the centerfield gates, walking 395 feet down the middle of the field to home plate, where myself and the bridal party will be awaiting.

The Ceremony: Will be kept classy and super standard, although by this point I'm sure most of the 40+ crowd will be out of there or booing us.
The Reception: Will be on the field under the lights. The only thing that I ask, is that if you are not driving, that your BAC never drop below twice the legal limit. Keep the drinks flowing, and dance the fucking night away.

Closing Thoughts: We all know that this is so ridiculous that it's laughable. We all know that if I do find that special girl, that I'm going to be so incredibly whipped, and that when it comes to the wedding, I'm going to do whatever the fuck she tells me to do. LOL have fun putting the stamps on the invitations future marc1313 (I'm embarrassed and ashamed of you, but at least you're getting some), because that's about the most complicated task you will be assigned.

How to Score a Threesome

What you need: A deck of playing cards, confidence, and the right couple of girls.

What to do: Approach two chicks at the bar/party/wherever the fuck you are. Remove the Queen of Diamonds and the Queen of Hearts from the deck in whatever manner you deem fit. If you want to just come up to them with the cards, or approach them shuffling the deck, ask them to pick a card until they pick the red queens, etc. whatever you do, it's all gold baby. Give said ladies the red queens, and work your magic from there.

I must note that the moderator is 0/1 using this approach, but in the hands of a more sober, and more suave guy, I can't see how this pick-up line can find a high degree of failure.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Top 10 marc1313 Drunk Moments (Good and Bad)

Holy Fuck this list was a lot harder to narrow down and create than I thought.

Note: Many of these moments are based solely off of eyewitness testimony, and it's quite possible that some of the best moments will be excluded from the list, simply based on the fact of "lack of memory" of all participants.

Honorable Mention:

- My buddys' little sisters' quinceanera. Pretty sure my boys and I set the world record for most amount of alcohol consumed per pound.
- Eugene's 21st birthday...damn we threw a hell of a party, and holy fuck did we destroy that apartment that night, and that year for that matter...pretty sure the current tenants wish death and teh AIDS upon us
- Ryan's birthday when lets put it this way, but 4pm, I was hung the fuck over, and destroyed my room trying to find the right clothes to change into.
- The night that I finally professed my undying love to the Chili's waitress, telling her that she "took my breath away", only to get shot down. FML!
- Basically all of Coalition 27's shows at DiPiazzas

#10- How can I not start with the first time I threw up due to alcohol? It took a couple of years, but pounding shots of 95 degree Captain Morgan with my nemesis finally did the trick, with Ryan cheering me on, as I was puking my guts out. I probably shouldn't have continued going shot for shot afterwards, but when a girl gets in your face, calls you a bitch, and challenges you to keep pounding, how the fuck can you back down?

#9- Jaegerbomb Night! I'm not sure if I did anything that crazy that night, but if nothing else, I think it's pretty epic, when my buddy is bent over the toilet throwing up, and I'm getting in his face screaming "You're a fucking pussy" over and over again.

#8- The 4th of July like 2007. Drinking an insane number of beers, vodka, tequila, and inevitably walking up to some chick I knew, but whose name I couldn't remember, and saying "Who the Fuck are you?" before falling face down into the bushes.

#7- The party at by boy Erik's house, where regardless of who actually drew the King, I ended up drinking the entire cup in King's Cup. Obv. I was playing with a bunch of chicks. Having all the chicks all over me, playing I think well at beer pong, I'm pretty sure that the drunker I get, the better I play.

#6- Vegas August 2009. Getting probably 86ed from the Venetian, capping every hand every street of poker, getting cut off, but having the other people at the table ordering my chivas and just handing it to me (they obv. didn't want me to leave), setting the world record for most drunk dials in one night, getting to the final table of a poker tournament completely blackout drunk, like zero clue of any of the hands that I played.

#5- Vegas July 2009. Stripper cards, getting thrown in the pool by crazy drunk chicks, interviewing random people on the street, that awesome talk with those cool black guys, everybody getting lost, tearing it up on the dance floor, and double fisting a 190 and a chivas on ice. What an insane couple of days.

#4- Draftpicks for one of Coalition 27's shows. The moderator had drank his weight in beer and long islands, when he started dancing with some chick, who proceeds to kiss him after the end of the song. The moderator proceeds to run around the bar high fiving everybody, alerting them that he just got kissed.

#3- Wasn't drunk, but my friends were, but that night that we went to that bar/club in Costa Mesa, when every chick in the place wanted a piece of me. So awesome dancing with tons of hawt random chicks, including a stripper that I had previously got a dance from, who remembered me, and danced with me.

#2- Palm Springs Spring 2009. You know you've had a hell of a day, when you unblackout at 6pm, then proceed to get hammered again that night. Pretty sure that I got 86ed from that golf course, as well as that cab driver's cab for life.

#1.5- Halloween 2008 (the year I was Manny). enough said.

#1.25- 40 minutes. 12 shots of Smirnoff Vodka. 2 classes missed the next day. 1 horrendous fucking hangover.

#1- and its not even close. March 2006. Obviously always has been, and always will be FUCKING VEGAS, and the first time I ever got drunk. 190's FTW! Going crazy at Caesars, wooing it up walking down the strip, running into Phil Ivey, and his entourage, it truly was the ultimate first Vegas and Drunk experience, and I'll never forget it as long as I live.

I'm Pretty Relieved...

that "Avatar" didn't win Best Picture. Didn't watch the Oscars, and didn't see "The Hurt Locker", but "Avatar" probably wasn't even in the top 5 films that I saw in 2009. Don't get me wrong, the visuals were absolutely amazing, innovative, and groundbreaking, but visuals are only one part of a movie, and the story itself was kinda meh. "Inglorious Basterds", "Up in the Air", and "Up" were all much better films than "Avatar" imho.

Next step: Watch "The Hurt Locker" immediately

Current Playlist

not sure why I keep posting these, just so ridiculously in love with grooveshark since Brian told me about it.

- "Go Getta"
- "La Bamba"
- "Back on the Chain Gang"
- "Independent"
- Anything by Petty
- "Twist and Shout"
- "Jesus Walks"
- "Mr. Tambourine Man"
- The Big Bang Theory theme song

Paul and Heather Wedding Recap

- Hot damn did everyone look good yesterday. Us guys looked pretty freaking good tuxing AND vesting it up, but too bad the bride had to show us all up. Saying that she and the bridesmaids looked good would be merely stating the obvious.
- Solid last supper, although Ryan and I really should have gone with lunch over breakfast, but who the fuck cares, because I think all four of us were very non teh gheyly aroused by the first two innings of Blue Jays-Yankees.
- Paul: Don't you ever forget the "little talk" we had on the way to the ceremony. BTW I think I'm pretty sure I've decided on the 5-iron.
- Ceremony was awesome even though I had no idea what the fuck was going on half the time (I really should go to church more often). The officiant got in some pretty solid one-liners considering the role that he had to play. I almost died laughing after that baker's wife story. The venue was amazing, so beautiful, and such a nice facility.
- Pictures were awesome...we'll all definitely have some good facebook pics to post now. My only question is: Is that lady still running? Holy cow that was impressive. Perfect location for pics for whoever made that decision.
- EPIC EPIC EPICALLY amazing reception. Thanks again Mr. and Mrs. Owen for throwing a super awesome party. Party of the millennium and it's not even close! Everybody seriously got it on on the dance floor, and Holy Cow zOMG drunk people everywhere.
- Bottom Line: Congratulations to Paul and Heather! I wish you both nothing but the best. Thanks to all the groomsmen for helping throw the sickest bachelor party ever, and just for everyone that I talked to at the wedding. Love you all, met some really cool people, and all in all had an amazing day, one that none of us will ever forget.

Best Man Speech

For those of you interested, here's the copy of my best man speech. I'll try to get it posted on youtube if I can.

Best Man Speech

Hello everyone, how are we all doing tonight? On behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank you all for coming, my name is Very Nervous, I mean Marc, and I’m the best man. I’ve known Paul for some ten years now, and trust me, to still be friends with him after all that time; I’ve definitely earned this title. I would like to start off by thanking the parents of the bride and the groom for putting this lovely day together, and for raising these two fine young people. Come on, give them a hand. I’d like to thank the Maid of Honor Ashley, and the rest of Heather’s bridesmaids for looking gorgeous as always. And of course Heather. I think you can all agree that she looks absolutely stunning today as always. She truly is the perfect bride.

Now apparently, the status quo in these types of speeches is to tell a few embarrassing stories about the groom as well as a few nice things about him. However, Paul has never really done anything embarrassing to speak of. For example I have certainly never been driving alone in his car, when a Gwen Stefani song came on the radio, and he just started busting out all the lyrics and singing the whole song start to, I’ve never walked into a bathroom to find him motionless, and lying face down on the floor, and, I’ve certainly never seen him kiss a guy . I really would like to tell you some stories of when Paul was intoxicated, but neither of us has experienced this feeling that people refer to as “drunk”, so I suppose that part of the speech is not applicable. And, I’d like to say a few nice things about Paul, but once again, I’ve got nothing, so I’m back at square one. No, but in all seriousness, Paul, you aren’t just my best friend, you are my brother. We’ve been through many highs and lows together, but you’ve always been there for me. When I was in the hospital and hurting, you were always there, when I’ve been down and needed someone to talk to, you were there, but most importantly, when it is 10 at night, and all the night’s baseball games are over, there’s nobody in the world that I would rather talk to. It’s just nice to know that there’s somebody out there who’s always on the same page with me, and I look forward to continuing our hour long baseball rants, and talking fantasy baseball and football until the point where Heather takes your phone away.

But to best describe why I love these two so much, I’ll have to take you back a little over four years. It was Valentine’s Day 2006, and I was without a date, and feeling pretty down. All my other friends had plans at the time, so I called up Paul, to see if he wanted to hang out, and he said of course. We hung out, played some cards, had a good time, and my mind was averted from the fact that I was single on Valentine’s Day. Unbeknownst to me at the time, Paul was supposed to go on his first date with Heather that night. Now most guys probably wouldn’t have postponed a date to hang out with his friend on Valentine’s Day, and most girls probably would have told Paul to peace out at this point, but Paul isn’t most guys, and Heather isn’t most girls. They ended up going on their first date the next week, and the rest as they say is history. So I just want to take this opportunity to say: thanks Paul, for being such a great friend all these years, you’ve truly been someone to “lean on”, and Heather: You’re not just Paul’s wife, but you’re one of my best friends in the world. You truly are “one of the guys”, I’ve enjoyed our friendly little rivalry, and thank you for helping me appreciate the greatness that is wheat bread. Paul, I’m so happy that you have found an awesome lady to share the rest of your life with, and Heather, I am truly honored to call you my sister. You two give me, and anybody who knows you hope that true love does exist, and I cannot imagine two people who are more perfect for each other, or who complete each other better than you two do. I wish you both a lifetime of happiness, and look forward to sharing many more great memories together with you both. Alright, well, now that we’ve got that mushy gushy stuff out of the way, its time to have some fun. When Paul asked me to be his best man, I was greatly honored (thanks again buddy) and promised him that I would be the best best man ever, and that included doing something a little different here in the best man’s speech, so with an assist from groomsman Brian Parrelli, without further ado, HIT IT!

(Set to the tone of "My Girl" by the Temptations)

I’ve got the headline
On this rainy day
Paul has his new bride
And she’s more than okay

Well I guess you’ll say
Single guys are in dismay
My friend my friend Heather
Has been swept away

They’ve got sooooo much love
For Mike Napoli
If good ole’ Heather’s wrong
there’s gonna be hell to pay.

Well I guess you’ll say
I really thought that Paul was gay
My friend my friend my friend
A brother to the end

Ooooo, hoooo
Hey, hey, hey
Paul’s still gay

He may have looked a bit funny
When he met this dame
But this wonderful lady
Still loved him the same

Well I guess you’ll say
What will they do later today
My friends my friends my friends
Talking ‘bout my friends

Thank you thank you. Now, I would like to propose a toast, let us raise our glasses to the happy new couple, my dear friends, Mr. and Mrs. (pause) Heather Owen.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Kanye West

Why must be such an unreal tool/douche, because I quite simply cannot stop listening to your music, even though every part of my ethical being says to boycott you. Sorry Taylor Swift: if it's any consolation, you're still hawt.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Ok Here's The Bottom Line

- The Moderator is a "little buzzed"
- The Moderator just stared himself down in the bathroom mirror
- If you're one of those fucktards "judging": (1) You can Go Fuck Yourself (2) You can Go Fuck Yourself (3) You can Go Fuck Yourself
- If you are NOT judging, then (1) You are super awesome (2) I love you with all my heart, no homo if you're a guy (3) Double Fist Bump + Double High Five because you are the fucking man/woman

There's This Chick

- There's this chick...super hawt, super cool, 100% single, and I and probably every other guy who meets her are completely infatuated with her
- She absolutely pwns my soul
- I can't figure her out...1/3 of me thinks that she totally fucking wants me, 1/3 of me thinks that I'm on her hook, and 1/3 of me thinks that she wants nothing to do with me, I just can't decide which part of me is right
- There's actually a solid off-chance that she reads this blog, considering some recent conversations that we've had, in which case I am totally fucking myself over, although not really, because how the fuck is she ever going to figure out that I'm talking about her. For all you know, I'm just making this shit up.
- Actually fuck it, if you're reading this, you know who you are, and you know that it's you that I'm talking about. If you're reading my blog, you're obviously at least somewhat into me, so lets face it, we're both into each other, so stop being such a girl, and lets give each other a chance!
- I've already kind of failed twice with her, but I really don't give a fuck, I'm going to keep trying, because I'm not a fucking quitter, and if something is meant to be, then I sure as fuck won't be the one to give up.
- NFDSJKFSJKJKNLFDIJOSKJKJD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't figure this chick out, and it's driving me absolutely fucking crazy! I'm actually leaning towards 50% on her hook, 25% she fucking wants me, 25% she's just fucking with me and I have no chance in hell.

CLIFFS NOTES: I'm a fucking tool, douche, and the biggest asshole in the world (just ask Heather), this chick wants nothing to do with me, and I'm going to die alone, but at least, I'll always have my strippers.

I Really Hope

that nobody read this post before it was edited, because while I'm perfectly fine with sharing aspects of my personal life, this post was way way way too personal.

Woman of the Day

Natalie Gulbis: Apologies to my male readers for the post below, but it's Paul's birthday, and despite my moral objections, I had to post what what make him happy, and so I did. So I'll make up for it here.

Famous For: Playing on the LPGA Tour with results= who the fuck cares because she's smoking fucking hawt, and hosting some show on the Golf Channel that I watched several times, for no other reason but to ogle at her super hawtness.

Happy Birthday Paul/Super Homo!!!

I feel pretty fucking teh ghey doing this, but I am your best man, so I owe it to you to give you the birthday blog post that you would most greatly appreciate, so here you go you little fairy tale faggot!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The "C" Word

- Always a source of immense debate, now I really don't give a fuck what anybody else thinks, these are my views
- It's a free fucking country, if I want to use the "C" word in casual conversation, or call one of my buddies the "C" word, then ffs I'm going to do it. If you have a problem with it, then tell me to go fuck myself, and stay away from me, also entirely within your rights.
- If I call a female the "C" word, well then that's an entirely different animal. At this point, said female either (a) really deserved it or (b) is entitled to 5 free kicks directly to the nuts.
- There are obviously occasions under which using the "C" word is entirely unacceptable, and under those occasions I will refrain. For those of you who truly know me, you know that when I'm in good company, or in formal situations, of course I can refrain from profanity. Profanity as my vernacular is not out of a poor vocabulary, but by choice, because it's the language style that I PREFER to use.

Elevator Etiquette Part 2

- People getting off the elevator go first FOR FUCKS SAKE! If you're getting on, wait your fucking turn, especially if you work at that place, or else Mike Roy is gonna give you a piece of his mind
- When in Vegas, elevator conversations can be about anything and everything...sorry ladies and little kids, but if you have a problem with it, then get the fuck out of Vegas
- When not in Vegas, keep the elevator convos classy please
- Elevator sex is ALWAYS acceptable

Current Playlist

- "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" by Meatloaf
- "Solo" by Iyaz
- "Independent" by Weebie
- "Story of My Life" by Social Distortion
- "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" and "She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel
- A bunch of songs from Sum 41 and Good that's some good ole fashioned old school music...high school emo music FTW!
- "Cyclone" by TPain
- "The Way I Are" by Timbaland
- some really really teh ghey stuff that I won't mention

7 Things To Do When You're Pissed the Fuck Off

Had a horrendous day at work/school/poker/golf/shopping, had a terrible fight with the significant other, just have the shittiest drive home, did your favorite sports team just suffer an aggravating defeat? Whatever your reason, here are 10 easy quick fix solutions to your problems.

(1) Sex
(2) Strip Club
(3) Porn
(4) Get in your car, put it in fucking D3, turn your music up as loud as you can without deafening yourself, floor it, and don't stop until you're feeling better. Can't tell you how many times this worked for me after a terribad poker session.
(5) Assuming there aren't other people around, just go crazy. Scream as loud as you can, punch shit, throw shit, break something invaluable, just let it all out, so you don't project your anger onto others.
(6) Listen to the first two songs of Linkin Park's "Hybrid Theory" CD
(7) Heavy heavy drinking


I completely forgot to post links to the fantasy football website that I write for, for those of you who are interested in reading. Check it out, and let me know what you think. I don't think my work has been as good as it should be so far, but I'm constantly learning, and refining my craft:

- I write one "Trader Take" per day, that's the first thing you should see when you enter
- I have also wrote two feature articles, those are right below the trader takes...peruse the archives for past articles. So far I've done Jay Cutler and Rashard Mendenhall, with my Darren McFadden article to come out tomorrow.

My Current Addictions/Obsessions

- Suiting Up
- Grooveshark
- NFL Mock Drafts
- Baseball Fucking Season Starting
- Samuel Adams Boston/Winter Lager
- Porn (but what else is new)
- Sporcle (Sports Section)
- Refining and Perfecting this Best Man Speech

Woman of the Day: Isla Fisher

Famous For: Giving mindblowing handjobs at the dinner table, how can one not love this perky, bubbly redhead who absolutely pwns every role she is in. Along with Carrie Underwood, and Kaley Cuoco, she is probably the only other woman who is in my insta marry column. I mean you know this chick is absolute dynamite in bed, and almost surely open to threesomes. GFY Borat you miserable (insert word that is very offensive to women, which I said a bare minimum of 50 times while piss ass drunk in Vegas)!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

You Know It's a Special Occasion....

when the clothes you are wearing, or your "outfit" in girl talk weigh more than you do. It is unreal how fucking awesome our wedding clothes are (great fucking pick whoever made it, the vests look so so so sick) and us guys are going to look so fucking pimp. The only problem is, I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a 10 page set of instructions and a series of maps that will put "National Treasure" to shame, to get dressed in the morning; so many layers and little gidgets and gadgets, half of which I don't even know what the hell they are.

Monday, March 1, 2010

"The Hook"

- Just finished watching tonight's episode of "How I Met Your Mother", and boy do I have a whole bunch of comments
- First off, Carrie Underwood is still so unfucking believably hawt.
- Even still, and this will come as a surprise to many of you, Ted absolutely did the right thing, and boy did it take a lot to do what he did. As someone who has been on the hook on more than one occasion, I can't tell you how hard it is to unhook yourself, so I have to give him mad props.
- The flip side is just as hard, and yea he handled his relationship with his hook as badly as humanly possible. As someone who has actually had a hook on one (maybe two..the second one is still ambiguous) occasions, it is certainly hard to handle that as well. No, I'm not going to get any details (I'll be happy to divulge the full story the next time I see you, and my blood alcohol is greater than 0.20) lets just say I'm an unbelievable asshole, and leave it at that.
- Great episode still, even though I continue to maintain that nurses are without a doubt the hawt girl profession.

The Moderator

is the biggest asshole fucktard in human history, who seriously needs to go fuck himself (no pun intended). It truly is unreal how fucking retarded I am sometimes.