Thursday, September 29, 2011

"How I Met Your Mother"

Spoiler Alert if you haven't watched this week:

- First off, I haven't cut my hair in a long ass time. It's getting stupid long but I'm starting to get that Ted Mosby look at least when it's ungelled. Should I keep it that way ladies?

- What a start to the season! I thought the premiere was great but this week's episode is my new ATF. It was hilarious, brought back Victoria one of my favorite characters ever, and had plenty of drama at the end. This is probably the only show ever where I really feel for the characters, and hurt along with them, and man do I feel Ted's pain. The guy has gone through a lot, but I guess it's all worth it for him to meet "the one". Speaking of which, lets meet her already?!

ESPN 30 for 30:

Something has to be said about the awesomeness that is this series. If it doesn't clean up at next year Emmy's, the awards should be discontinued. These films do a tremendous job at probing into a specific event in sports history, discussing it from its impact on sports, culture, and the community as a whole. While "The Pony Express" and "Miller Time" were kind of disappointing, "Catching Hell" was pretty solid discussing the Bartman play and paralleling it to Bill Buckner and how we come to make scapegoats out of certain players. Alex Gonzalez and Schiraldi/Stanley certainly deserve plenty of blame as well as their teams for not coming back and winning game 7 like championship teams do. "Four Days in October" was also thoroughly enjoying and satisfying to watch as an avid Yankees-hater.

"The Two Escobars" was definitely the biggest surprise, paralleling the lives and social impact of both the lives and deaths of Pablo and Andres Escobar. From a critical standpoint this was definitely the best one. Every aspect of this story was sufficiently covered, and I have to give the filmmakers a world of credit, as they interviewed people from all sides of this, including several mass murderers. The amount of material they were able to flesh out of their subjects was impressive and their ability to patch these interviews and past footage together to make a compelling story was top notch.

"June 17, 1994" was thoroughly entertaining although it was mostly just a patchwork of old footage: not much original material. Still it was a great reminder of how much really happened that day- one of the greatest and most tragic days in the history of American sports. "The Fab Five" was equally entertaining but really lost steam in the 2nd half kind of like they did against Duke.

But as far as entertainment value is concerned, "The U" is still the undisputed king. Love them or hate them, they changed college football, and their impact on the NFL is unmistakable. Just an awesome documentary, great to see all the old players who were filmed, and some excellent game coverage. Loved the rivalry segments, which no matter who your team one can agree that the greatest thing about college football is rivalries: the bragging rights, the chance to ruin the other's season, and the year-long obsession over hating but in some instances respecting your opponent.

Football

I'm too depressed to talk about it tonight. Maybe tomorrow. One of the worst football weekends ever.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!

Anyone who watched baseball today knows exactly what I mean, those who didn't, just watch the fucking highlights. Go to mlb.com if you must--> trust me it's worth it. 20 years from now when ESPN is doing a "50 for 50" series, they are 100% going to do one on today's events especially if the Rays or Cardinals ship it all.

For Red Sox fans, this had to feel like the greek tragedy "Troy" starring:

Evan Longoria as Achilles
Jacoby Ellsbury as Hector
Theo Epstein as Paris (Helen of Troy's wife)
"PLAYOFFS??!!"" as Helen of Troy

and

Carl Crawford as The Trojan Horse

Sunday, September 25, 2011

PERFECTION!!! 11 Days Lol

Well, for those of you who voted in the poll, you were ALL WRONG! It took a mere 11 days for me to return to where your moderator belongs, the strip clubs. Perhaps I took the SC loss/meltdown a little too hard, but some mythical force combined with my addictive personality and inability to repel my vices drew me back.

About 10 minutes into my stay, I saw this chick who was a perfect "10". Beautiful face, amazing rack, nice body, a playboy bunny tramp stamp the whole package. For those of you who watch porn, she was a classier-looking/bigger breasted version of Jenna Presley. I walked up to her and asked her for a dance. It was 3 for 1 specials time so it was a solid 8-10 minutes of dancing time. While "A+ service" was not delivered (what can you expect for $20?), it was by far the best lap dance I have ever gotten, and she was by far the hawtest chick I have ever gotten a dance from. As soon as the dance was over, I peaced the fuck out, as I didn't have enough money for VIP service, and I knew there was no way any chick could top that dance.

Needless to say, I am Back! As to all that emo soulmate bullshit, ehh fuck it. Your 20's are where you act like a moron, and make terrible decisions, because once you tie the knot and have kids- lol fun. I'm not quite done- I have plenty of bad decision-making and making fun of my lol married friends left in me. So until next time, happy lapping.

Friday, September 23, 2011

"Sad Story" Moderator Edition

I have no idea if the drunk moderator has ever told this story, but if he hasn't, then here it is.

Once upon a time, the moderator was your typical emo kid. He was 100% non-degen, and the thought of participating in degenerate activities would have abhorred him. For 2 years, he was infatuated with this chick. She eventually rejected him, and your moderator was a miserable wreck for a while...only he didn't drink yet so he had no idea how to cope with said problems.

He went into a total tailspin: in school, in his social life, in golf, etc. Everybody who cared about him was worried about him, and he was miserable every single day. Then out of nowhere, this girl who had always kind of "been there" but he had never really noticed appeared. Her name was "Katie", and she was the calming force that your moderator needed. She showed him that all would be well, she laguhed at all his jokes even the ones that weren't funny, she was and still is the only person who ever loved his car (which is the reason he can never get rid of it), and she showed him that happiness/faith/bliss could be found in a world of misery.

But, he never told her how he felt about her, and he last saw her about a year ago and she is happily married and with child. Your moderator has spent the last 10 years regetting every mistake he ever made with "Katie", and now he is just a broken down piece of shit drunk who misses her every single day, will never forgive himself, and lives in regret. To my readers: do NOT repeat the mistakes of your moderator- tell the people you love how you feel about them, and live and love!

The Moderator's Closest Calls at Getting Laid

...

The Last Date I Went On...

This was somewhere between 6 months and a year ago, not really sure as the alcohol has killed almost all of my brain cells. Anyways, so "The Phantom of the Opera" was playing in LA for its final stop on the US Tour in a long time. I'm gonna skip a lot of stuff that I don't want to talk about, but lets just say that I really wanted to go. I found a female who wanted to go with me. No money changed hands- that's all you're gonna get. We had met once before going, and she seemed pretty cool. I show up to her door, some high school aged chick answers the door, I'm like sorry wrong door, she says no you're at the right house. For about 2 minutes I'm just waiting for Chris Hanson to show up.

Finally, my date emerges from her room, apparently she forgot to tell me that she had a daughter who was half my age. My date was at least 30, probably a little older, but who cares, I love cougars. I take her to a nice dinner, I fail so badly it's not even funny. She gives me every opportunity possible to compliment her and try and get laid, but I just fail and fail and fail. We see the show, it is amazing, we are both captivated. After the show, she gives me like 3 more chances to score, and I completely fail. I take her home, do not get laid, and have not talked to her since. FACEPALM!!!

Things That I Don't Understand

- Why women are so deathly afraid of spiders? It's a Fucking Spider! Chill the fuck out!
- Diet Soda, this Coke Zero shit, and all these fruity flavors they're coming out with. Listen...bottom line: if you want something healthy, drink fuckin' water! If you don't give two shits about your health like me, drink whatever the fuck you want.
- Why Ned Colletti signed Juan Uribe, traded James McDonald and Trayvon Robinson, and why Eugenio Velez is still on the roster
- Why "Party Girls" hasn't been officially recognized as the greatest song of all-time.
- How John Lackey is still starting every 5th day for the Boston Red Sox
- Why any man would wear briefs instead of boxers.
- Why Peyton Manning hasn't won MVP every single year the Colts have made the playoffs.
- Why women are so obsessed with salads. Everyone knows that fat chicks give the best head, so if you blow up, you are still cool ladies. Stop making me nervous with that salad shit.

Stripper Sobriety: Week 1 Update

Ok so it's been a week since I said I was going to swear off strippers, and lets just say that it is NOT going well. Like REALLY really not going well. I miss my strippers, the tits in my face, the clubs, the ambience, everything already. I hadn't thought much about them, but today was the first time that I drove by them in the past week, and had I not spent $800 million in the past week and a half, I 100% would have gone. The problem is that I pretty much can't avoid driving through the City of Industry on at least a somewhat regular basis, and everytime I see those billboards on the 60 freeway, or on Hacienda Blvd. I am tempted and think of all my good times. It also doesn't help that every hip hop song I hear on the radio reminds me of a legendary time at Deja Vu (Hawaii Theatre had a strict no rap music policy), so pretty much every time I get in my car or blast my Grooveshark I am reminded of lap dances, VIP rooms, high mileage, and blue light specials.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Chiefs Talk

- What can I say the first two weeks have gone as badly as humanly possible. We were extremely lucky to avoid the injury bug last year, so I had a bad feeling we would have a couple bad ones this year, but serious JC25, Eric Berry, Tony Moeaki, Brandon Siler, and our 1st round pick Jonathan Baldwin- the first 4 out for the year?! For you non-chiefs fans that's our best offensive player, our #2 WR, our starting tight end and #2 pass-catcher, our 2nd best defensive player, and a key run-stuffer.

- Still, even with those guys there is no way we win either game. Todd Haley royally fucked up the preseason by having non-contact practices, and not playing the starters until the last game?! These guys are nowhere near conditioned- both sides of the ball.

- When you turn the ball over 9 times! That's right N-I-N-E FUCKING TIMES in 2 games, you probably aren't going to win. 4 Matt Cassel interceptions, and 5 fumbles by 4 different players= not good. Cassel has been dreadful, he locks onto one receiver and doesn't look off, Dexter McCluster is a threat to both take it to the house and fumble it every time he touches the ball, and our receivers have a major case of the drops.

- The defense hasn't been as terrible, but that's not saying much. Being on the field the whole game because of turnovers doesn't help, but the D-Line has been manhandled in both games (and Buffalo and Detroit's O-Lines are both mediocre). Tyson Jackson is officially the biggest defensive bust in recent NFL Draft memory. And the secondary without Berry has been gouged. I love Brandon Flowers but he can't match-up with tall receivers, we need a CB who can, and our safeties outside of Berry are out of position and burned nearly every play.

Just a total disaster, and now we get an angry Chargers team this week. San Diego and their slow starts should make this competitive for about a half before their superior talent takes the game over.

Trojan Talk

3-0 through the first quarter of the season always has a good feel to it. After a couple pedestrian wins, the offense finally looked crisp last week, but the one consistency is this defense is playing like they did in 2008. Granted, the schedule has been soft, and there is definitely not the NFL talent that the '08 squad had, but it's good to see our defense finally resembling a Trojan defense again. Barkley has been amazing so far, but we really need to get a running game going, and Kiffin needs to pick a guy who is "the guy". I'm all for using multiple backs to keep guys healthy and fresh, but there needs to be one guy who is the clear-cut starter and go-to-back.

The next two weeks should provide a solid test: @ASU who always plays us tough at in Tempe- Vontaze Burfict is an absolute monster in the running game, so he needs to have two blockers on him at all times. Then a home game against Arizona and stud QB Nick Foles (one of my guys to watch this year NFL draft wise). We'll know a lot more about this team in a couple weeks. Two wins would have us at 3-0 against the Pac-12 South, and while we're ineligible for the conference title, it would still be nice to establish dominance of our division as we exit probation next season.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

NFL Week 3 Predictions

13-3 in Week 2
26-9 for the season

Winners as always in bold

After a relatively weak slate of games last week, Week 3 gets us back on track with a slew of divisional games, highlighted by 2 NFC East showdowns, Gabbert vs. Newton, and the upstart Buffalo Bills hosting the Patriots in the biggest game in Orchard Park since Flutie Flakes and the burning of Bryan Cox in effigy. I have no real rooting interest either way, but Buffalo has some of the most loyal, passionate fans in the NFL, and its about time they get a winner again. That being said, this is the same team that got torched by Jason Campbell, I can't imagine what Tom Brady is going to do. Ryan Fitzpatrick is the real deal though, and this team pulled off a gutsy win (they were not as bad as record showed last year) last week. Could the tide be turning?

49ers @ Bengals
Patriots @ Bills
Texans @ Saints
Giants @ Eagles
Dolphins @ Browns
Broncos @ Titans
Lions @ Vikings
Jaguars @ Panthers
Chiefs @ Chargers
Jets @ Raiders
Ravens @ Rams
Falcons @ Bucs
Cardinals @ Seahawks
Packers @ Bears
Steelers @ Colts
Redskins @ Cowboys

Movie Review: "Drive"

- To put it frankly, this is by FAR the best movie I have seen in 2011.
- First of all, let me tell you that it is best to go into this movie with zero expectations, and 100% do NOT see the trailer. It is not for kids and the squeamish as there are some scenes of intense graphic violence, and it is not for those who are expecting nonstop action and car chases. There is action and a few chases, but that is NOT what this movie is about, it is ohh so much more. If you trust me, stop reading here and go see it asap. If you need further convincing, read on.
- Film noir at its finest with a protagonist whose past is almost completely unknown, but almost surely very dark. As the film tries to unflesh this character, we can see that his brooding is far too deep to be fleshed out by even those closest to him. The mystery of his background, and many other elements of this film make you think and keep you on your toes searching for answers.
- The directing is absolutely top notch- very stylish and creates a dark mood for the film and around the characters with a minimal use of dialogue. "Drive" is as dark as a Tarantino film, but accomplishes it through acting, facial expressions, and direction rather than Tarantino's famed and epic dialogue. Both accomplish their goals with fantastic success.
- The first 10 minutes feature a car chase that isn't quite your traditional one, and sets the tone for the film, and tells you all you need to know about the protagonist without him ever saying a word.
- The acting is terrific across the board, beginning with Ryan Gosling whom I am beginning to appreciate as one of if not the best young actors in the game. He simply crushes every role he is in. Albert Brooks and the well-diversed Bryan Cranston are also tremendous in their roles with Brooks playing a character who while not scary or sociopathic, will disturb you well after the closing credits roll.
- The soundtrack which contributes to the 80's feel of the film is top-notch and every track blends perfectly with the scene.

Grade: A+

Clayton Kershaw!!!

- 20 Wins at Age 23 on a garbage team is just unreal
- Currently tops in the NL in all 3 Triple Crown categories (tied in wins...please lose your next start Ian Kennedy)
- Most importantly he's 5-0 against the hated ones this year including 3-0 against Timmay franchise with an additional dodger win in a game where they both got a no-decision

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The End of an Era- My Ted Mosby Moment

So, as posted below, I spent my birthday night at a strip club, as I have spent many a night over the past 5 years. I had many many many a great times over the last 5 years, learned a lot about women, sexuality, negotiating, and how to hustle the hustler. I also made plenty of mistakes, from which I have learned and will not repeat said mistakes in any forum not just sex-related.

As you all know, I enjoy partaking in all sorts of degenerate activities, make no apologies for doing so, but I have always told myself that the day it is no longer fun, is the day that I'll quit. I have reached that point with strip clubs. Going to them seems more like a chore than fun, as I'm just looking for that "special service" that doesn't always come (no pun intended). It has become an addiction more than a fun activity to do on occasion.

I'm not saying that I'm quitting them forever, I'll still go for a special occasion like a friend's birthday. However, I am done going on my own accord, on a regular basis, and am done going by myself. I see these guys from all walks of life, some with money some without, some married some single and just tell myself: I don't want to end up being that guy. We give these strippers our money, our attention, and think they actually give two shits about us. The truth is they only see us for how much money we have left in our wallets, which they will happily spend with their douchebag drug-addicted boyfriend. These encounters if that's what you want to call them are emotionless, completely devoid of meaning, and over a period of 5 years, trust me they rot away at your soul.

Call it me being a fucking pussy, call it me actually maturing, call it me pulling a Ted Mosby, but I want to meet the right girl, and fall in love. I see my married and engaged friends and I want something that isn't just about sex, but is about unconditional love and real emotions. Maybe it's the fact that everyone my age is getting married, or already is, but I want a partner for Pictionary, I want to sleep in a bed when on vacation, I want to have regular sex that I don't have to directly pay for, and I want a girl to share my life with.

Now, that might happen tomorrow at the grocery store, or that might happen 20 years from now with a chick who works at a We Sell Your Stuff on EBay store, or it might never happen. I don't know and that's part of the beauty of life, but I know for sure that I will NOT meet her at a strip club, and that if I stay down this path, I will never be the person that I need to be to be with her. So as of today September 15, 2011, I am announcing my resignation from the life, from "menus", "ATF's", "VIP/Topless or Nudes", from "3 for 1 bluelight specials".

Birthday Thank You's!!!

Thank you to everybody who helped make my birthday week special. Thanks Ryan for the tix to the USC game on Saturday, it was a great experience topped by a Trojan victory (although we've gots to clean up the sloppy play on offense) and some postgame King Taco. Sunday was an abortion of a day of football, but thanks to Rick/Natalie, Ryan/Hill for hosting. Got a couple of solid rounds of golf in on monday and tuesday (13 over both rounds), and a couple nice dinners. Then Tuesday night, headed down the road to Deja Vu with my boy Ahron (thanks bro for hanging with me the whole time). I delivered my most embarrasing performance ever, going 0/4 in picking girls to get laps from. I then spent my remaining funds on some VIP service that delivered, but read above for the rest. Still, thank you all! You mean a lot to me, and thanks to everyone who called me, texted me, sent me a facebook message. It means a lot!

NFL Week 2 Picks

10-6 in week 1. Winners as always are in bold. Kind of a weak slate this week, but Bears-Saints should be good, Cowboys-Niners will bring back the nostalgia of those 3 straight NFC Championship games in the 90's. Chargers-Patriots should be an awesome shootout, and of course the game of the week will be Vick's return to Atlanta where he is still beloved. McNabb was the starter last time, but this one expects to be great. The Falcons badly need to regain their swag, but White/Julio going up against those Eagles corners is a nightmare matchup. Michael Turner is gonna have to blow up for them to have a chance.

Raiders @ Bills
Packers @ Panthers
Chiefs @ Lions
Browns @ Colts
Bucs @ Vikings
Bears @ Saints
Jaguars @ Jets
Seahawks @ Steelers
Ravens @ Titans
Cardinals @ Redskins
Cowboys @ 49ers
Bengals @ Broncos
Texans @ Dolphins
Chargers @ Patriots
Eagles @ Falcons
Rams @ Giants

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Never Forget!!!

Gonna be MIA for a few days, so I wanted to take this opportunity to remind you all that we live in the greatest country in the world! NEVER FORGET what happened 10 years ago. Osama is burning in hell right now, along with many of his supporters and henchmen thanks to the tireless work of our troops! THANK YOU to all the firefighters, police officers, and soldiers (including my brother Paul Smith who is shipping off to Afghanistan today) for all that you do in protecting us both domestically and abroad. To the liberal pussies and cuntbags like Soulja Boy who demean you and question the manner in which you do your jobs: GO FUCK YOURSELF! If you hate this country so much, then please feel free to GET THE FLYING FUCK OUT! Perhaps a nice trip to Afghanistan or North Korea will change your perspective.

Finally, love this video done by an awesome patriotic band:

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

NFL Week 1 Picks

Some awesome games this weekend including a matchup between the past two champions, the best rivalry in the NFL right now (Steelers-Ravens), a battle of two upstarts in the Lions and the Bucs, Dallas traveling to NYC in probably the only game ever where the entire country outside of Cowboy fans will be rooting for a New York team. This game really should have been Giants-Jets, but still will be a special moment for the city and the nation on Football Night in America.

Winners in Bold

Saints @ Packers
Steelers @ Ravens
Falcons @ Bears
Bengals @ Browns
Colts @ Texans
Titans @ Jaguars
Bills @ Chiefs
Eagles @ Rams
Lions @ Bucs
Panthers @ Cardinals
Vikings @ Chargers
Seahawks @ 49ers
Giants @ Redskins
Cowboys @ Jets
Patriots @ Dolphins
Raiders @ Broncos

Monday, September 5, 2011

Random Remembrances From This Weekend

- a total epic fail of a night from a personal standpoint
- drinking half a four loko and then babysitting my first few beers was pathetic and im totally embarrassed and totally ashamed
- kicked things up into gear with the fishbowl, and hammering down some weird heavily alcoholic drink
- from there apparently we went to two more bars, including me pounding a tall boy IPA
- peeing in the Ralphs parking lot
- driving home with the kid and him wanting Molcasalsa
- drunk texting H's and me and the kid hating on Hillary. sorry woman! i finally understand where you are coming from though.

- drunk Madden: winning one 5-3, and losing to some fag because i got outplayed and performed poorly. fucko that's not gonna happen again: next time you're getting my A game.
- setting dancing back about 50 years, but hey you gotta admire my enthusiasm and willingness to look like a complete and total moron
- bomb ass margs, meat, chicken, dogs and mac and cheese (thanks ryan and hill!)
- that fire being 10 million fucking degrees. no idea how ya'll could stay so close

2011 NFL Preview

My Award Winners

MVP and Offensive Player of the Year: Aaron Rodgers
Defensive Player of the Year: Tamba Hali
Comeback Player of the Year: Plaxico Burress
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Julio Jones
Defensive Rookie of the Year: JJ Watt
Coach of the Year: Steve Spagnolu

Playoff Teams:

AFC East: New England Patriots
AFC North: Baltimore Ravens
AFC South: Houston Texans
AFC West: The Faggot Chargers
AFC Wild Cards: Jets, Steelers
Sleeper: Tennessee Titans (I'm probably the only one in the country saying this)

NFC East: Philadelphia Eagles
NFC North: Green Bay Packers
NFC South: New Orleans Saints
NFC West: St. Louis Rams
NFC Wild Cards: Atlanta Falcons, Dallas Cowboys
Sleeper: Detroit Lions although they're not really a sleeper

SUPER BOWL XLVI: Baltimore Ravens 20 New Orleans Saints 14

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Greatest Random Remembrances of All-Time

Based on the polling results, you all want more of this, so here is a recap of 5.5 years of going to war with my liver:

- Obviously the first time I ever got drunk...in Vegas of course. Drank 190's, tequila shots, and probably more. Accused everybody of stealing my hot dog, stumbled in line for some nice club (no way in hell we were getting in anyway), yelled and screamed down the Vegas strip, some shit with running up and down the elevators at the Tropicana with Juan, watching Paul get 86ed from the Excalibur and getting hit on by gheys

- Jager Tap Machine night at la casa de Sam Dow. I remember very little other than seeing fools laying face down on the bathroom floor, and Ryan telling me that I screamed "You're a Fucking Pussy" over and over again at Paul while he was puking.

- Drunk Boxing and drunk poker nights at my old apartment. Bought a 12 pack of Coronas everyday at Rite Aid.

- Marcwalking Interviews on the Vegas Strip: I was contemplating drunk dialing some chick I was into at the time. All my friends said no, so I started interviewing people all down the strip. When they said yes, I high-fived them, when they said no I told them that they didn't know shit. Later in the walk we met this group of black guys who told me to call her and hit that shit. We high-fived, drank some, and I remember telling them that: "those crackers (my friends) don't know shit"

- The 2010 USC-UCLA game: drank about a 12 pack and about 1/3 of a handle of vodka before the game. I unblacked out at halftime, and had to piss. As I'm walking out of my aisle, some faggot Bruin fan refuses to move for me. I was polite and courteous as he had a little girl with him, but he refuses to move. I don't want to make a scene so I go the other way, but the entire 2nd half I go fucking nuts and scream infinte obscenities at the Bruins. I puke my guts out in the parking lot after the game, black out again, and have the worst hangover ever after the game.

- Ryan's birthday where we all drink a 12 pack during a round of golf, and ryan hits a drunk mulligan eagle. The moderator has to stop golfing because he cannot stand up without falling down. We keep drinking during the limo ride and dancing festivities, and somehow some parties manage to fill an entire Vons Grocery bag full of vomit.

- Being at the slot machine with cabron (Juan) and some crazy drunk guy talking to us. After a while, Juan asks where his guys are at. They had peaced out on him like 10 minutes prior, and watching this guy's reaction and try to figure out what to do was hilarious.

- Watching "24" with my college roommate Eugene. He dares me to do a shot for every on-screen death. 40 minutes and 11 shots later, I am on the floor, and literally cannot stand up. I crawl to bed- literally, pass out, wake up with an unreal hangover, go to class, and when my T/A in my Spanish class asks what is wrong I say: "Yo bebi mucho alcohol anoche. Yo soy pendejo". Didn't realize how bad a word it was, she says "Ayy marcos what did you say". But she was cool, and kinda hawt so we were cool. Damn I should have tried to fuck her.

- Ryan's Graduation Party: Me and Eric doing our shot for run bet, then me doing a LOT of extra shots after that. I think this was the night I earned the respect of Sam Dow and his friends as one who can hold his own.

- Some party at my boy Erik's house: Two chicks full on made out in front of me, some other chick grabbed my junk and wanted to SMD- I can't remember how I failed from there, shooting a ton of beer pong, playing King's Cup with some chicks and drinking the cup no matter who lost, and then something with the milk. You fucks better tell me what that's all about.

- Vegas: Visited some family during the day. My dad, his cousin we were visiting, and I all drink about 8 beers during the afternoon, so I have a very nice buzz going. Go to play some poker, and raise hell. Order 8+ scotches, get off, start betting/raising every hand every street without looking at my cards. I lose so much money that the other players order drinks for me and sneak them to me so that I stay at the table. Do some more stupid shit, get a 190, make like 10,000 drunk dials, get back to my room and throw all my shit and a million stripper cards in the room.

- Memphis: Road trip with Paul and Heather. We have the best BBQ of my entire life ainec at Rendezvous. We have quite a few beers there, so I'm pretty buzzed. I'm stumbling, get back to the room, start pounding the Johnny Walker, apparently start spitting everywhere, drool on myself, try to piss but madly miss the toilet creating massive puddles, and order a porno. Holy shit did Heather chew my fucking ass out the next morning, GFY Super Homo for just laughing at me. SORRY WOMAN!

- Every single Halloween for the last 5 years: can't remember shit, did a lot of stupid shit, got locked in the bathroom with a chick once (neither of us have any clue whatsoever wtf happened).

- Every single New Year's Eve for the past 5 years: I really don't remember shit, ask Ryan, Paul or the H's because I am clueless. I do remember the one where Ricky made Ryan and I drink like 10 shots back-to-back-to-back, then had some scotch with dinner, and there is a fb pic of me pounding Tequila straight out of the bottle at the end of the New Year. Worst Hangover of my Life!

- Whatever night it was when I confused Hillary and Heather's names for the last time. They were both bitching at me, I got very annoyed and screamed: "Woman shush/stfu/I don't know wtf I said" but it was funny, and thus the Woman moniker was invented and has stuck.

- San Francisco: drank like 4 Adios' in under an hour, blacked out and rambled about "Lucky Number Slevin". Rick's snoring woke me up so I screamed "SHUT THE FUCK UP"! Then later I tried to get into bed with him thinking it was my bed no homo no homo. I also vaugely remember eating some awesome pizza, and destroying another phone. Also the night that Natalie earned Woman status.

- Destroying a phone and always falling in the water at Hillary's boat. Also the night I came out to everyone about my affinity for strip clubs.

- 13 Sake Bombs in under an hour with Coalition 27. It's oretty bad when 4 guys run up a $300 tab and don't eat. We walked to a movie theatre to watch Hostel 2 to kill some time. I mistook jalapeno sauce for nacho cheese (not the best popcorn I've ever had). I don't remember shit except laughing a lot- at HOSTEL 2 and peeing 10 million times.

- All those C27 shows at DiPiazzas and getting bombed on Long Island's and the one they played at that dive bar in La Mirada, when this chick made out with me, and I joyously screamed and ran around the bar telling everyone what had just happened. How the fuck did I not get kicked out?

- Everytime I am drinking with someone who speaks with Spanish and I bust out my primitive gringo espanol but usually make it funny as shit.

- Walking home from the Dow's wearing an undershirt and shorts with no belt, and all my clothes soaking wet. A smoking hawt lady cop pulls over and asks me if I'm ok, and I am so drunk I don't know how I fathomed an answer put I somehow didn't get arrested, but I didn't get to play with her and her handcuffs either.

- All the times at Downtown Fullerton: inventing "the spin move", breaking a phone when the Cougar Bar Nazis wouldn't let me in, pounding those IPA's at Branigans, awesome times dancing and drinking with my friends, 90% of which I have blacked out.

Grocery Store Pet Peeves

All posted pet peeves assume that the store is at least mildly crowded and there is at least one person waiting in line:

- People who buy food with food stamps, but have a shit ton of cash in their wallets, and are wearing nice designer clothes.

- The fact that there are always twenty million little kids there. I think that's why they always play soothing/relaxing music there (although repetitions of said songs can drive you insane- i know there are tons of fellow ex-grocery store workers reading, and you know what I mean). I love baseball, but everytime I hear a commerical for the Fullerton Flyers I want to punch a hole in my face.

- When that asshole won't fucking move one inch to let you get through.

- The Unprepared: The time to pull out your cash/credit card/checkbook is when you are waiting in line or the checker rings you up, NOT when they ask you to pay. Jesus Christ I have lost 6+ months of porn/strip club time out of my life while these fucktards fumble around for their shit because they are fucking mentally retarded and have never been to a grocery store before.

- The people who divide their order into three different orders (I see this more than you think). I understand two, but 3+ when there is a line is just fucking inconsiderate as fuck.

- When no courtesy clerk is available, there is a long line, and there are at least two people in the ordering party, and both refuse to bag their own groceries, just standing around with their thumb up their ass making the checker do it, and holding up the line for everyone else. HOW FUCKING LAZY/RETARDED/INCONSIDERATE can you be you FUCKTARDS???!!!! FUCK YOU X 10000000000000!!!!

- And the fucking worst of the fucking worst: That cheap fucking piece of shit who argues and argues with the clerk and is a doucehbag/cunt about it over a price check under $1. I understand if there is a difference of a few bucks, but arguing over 20 cents is just fucking retarded. I have actually offered to pay the difference on a few occasions just to get these fucks out of my way. This asshole/cunt is usually someone to whom the money means nothing, they just like being argumentative fucks, hold up the line, and be miserable to the clerks because they themselves are miserable.

Current Playlist

- "Party Girls"- of course
- "Independent"
- "Go Getta"
- "In a Real Love"
- "Fat Lip"
- "All for You"
- "Roll to Me"
- "The Way I Are"

I Have Some AWESOME NEWS!!!

Once upon a time, in the city of Industry, CA between Hacienda and Turnbull Canyon, in a very unassuming little strip mall, sandwiched between a biker bar and some shitty looking Asian restaurant lay the greatest place of business in the state of California: HAWAII THEATRE! No matter how long I live, this place will hold a special place in my heart, and well other places. About 6 months ago, while receiving B+ service from an attractive female employee of said location, I learned that Hawaii would be closing down.

Needless to say, this was a terribly sad day for the moderator and his fellow like-minded individuals. We searched far and wide for the place that would make up for Hawaii's loss, and while I have found an acceptable replacement, no place can ever make for this loss.

Until...a couple weeks ago, while on the way home from my new locale a half a mile down the road, I drove by my old (insert sexual pun for stomping) grounds, and saw that Hawaii was being reopened, only with a new name: Pink's Gentlemen's Club. I'm not sure if it's the same management (trust me that's a HUGE deal), but it looks to be more upscale, perhaps they're trying to clean up their image, as Hawaii was raided on multiple occasions. Anyways, happy lapping to my fellow pervs out there, here's the website:

http://www.pinksgc.com/index.html

Gay/Womanly Shit That I Like

I am confident enough in my sexuality (if you don't believe me go to Deja Vu Showgirls- City of Industry or the defunct Hawaii Theatre and ask the girls there about me) to make this post.

- "Glee": What can I say I love music, the chicks are hawt, and Brittany is hilarious.
- "Definitely, Maybe": HIMYM like storyline and I can't resist me some Isla Fisher
- "Father of the Bride"
- Reese Witherspoon movies: fell in love with her the first time I saw "Walk the Line" which is NOT a gay movie but she def. has some girly ones.
- "The Phantom of the Opera"- greatest soundtrack of all time. Saw it for the first time about a year ago, and was blown away.

Woman of the Day: Lisa Ann

Single heretosexual males almost surely know who this, but for you married men, homos, and females out there, she is one of my ATF pornstars because:

- she is a cougar
- she played Sarah Palin in an apporpriately named movie (use your imagination it's not that hard to guess the title)
- she ALWAYS gives an A+ effort in her scenes. Note to all women: if you are trying to impress us guys, you have no idea how far a little bit of enthusiasm can go in doing the trick. Us men are a fairly dumb and primitive creature, and even a bad fake acting job can fool us as long as you have a smile on your face and say the right things.



Moderators Note: I wanted to post a more racy picture, but I had to switch to this one in order to maintain this blog's current "R" rating. As you know, getting that "NC 17" rating is a death sentence to blogs on par with producing as shitty material as I did in 2010.