Sunday, January 31, 2010

Conversational Etiquette

- Everybody has certain topics that they are experts in, certain topics in which they are semi-aversed, but not experts per se, and certain topics to which they are clueless.
- Know your role in each and every conversation, and speak up appropriately. When you are the expert, speak up, speak often, and show your full dominance and grasp of this subject. Enlighten the clueless folks, and help them get to the land of the semi-aversed.
- When you are semi-aversed, speak up only at opportune times, supporting the dominant party's statements, or challenging them if appropriate, and you have evidence/ideas to support your challenge. Don't steal the spotlight, but also don't be afraid to speak up and let your voice be heard.
- When you are clueless, ask questions, and plenty of them. The dominating force in the conversation will have no problem, and will probably enjoy answering them, and you will acquire much needed knowledge. In short, everybody wins.
- NO MATTER WHAT: NEVER EVER IN 10 million years act like Mr./Mrs. Know-it-all about a subject that you are clueless about. This happens very frequently to me when guys who don't know shit about sports/poker/how to epic fail with the ladies, try and act like an expert around me, and I see right through their bullshit. Their transparency and lack of knowledge is painfully obvious, and I just want to end the conversation right there. Not going to lie, it causes me to lose a lot of respect for them.

Super Bowl Ideas

Okay so the big day is only a week away, and no matter where you go for Super Sunday, here are some fun things to spice the game up for you and yours. As always, have fun, be safe, and get drunk and get laid.

- Betting on the coin toss: Because it's a sign of true degeneracy, and sets the tone for the game...and lDO tails never fails. If the Vikings had followed that motto they might be in this game instead of the Saints.

- The squares game: Really simple, really easy, a good way to get everybody, including the people who don't know football (boring women and teh gheys) involved in the game.

- Whether at a house party, the local pub, the game itself, or somewhere in between, it is of vital importance to consume the five basic food groups: Pizza, Wings, Chips, Meats, and Beer.

- Whether you like football or not, know at least one piece of information that nobody else is going to know, so that you can contribute to the conversation.

- Tons and tons of prop betting: Betting on the game, the O/U, #of penalties, who will have more passing yards, etc.

- Drinking Games obv.

"Edge of Darkness" Movie Review

I came into this movie with very high expectations, and those expectations were met, but not really in the way that one would expect. In order for that to make any sense, you first have to hear a few of my criticisms of the film.

- There were far too many characters, and this made the story seem convoluted at times, and forced some of the scenes to be far too short and choppy. While most of the characters were significant to helping to solve the mystery, some consolidation, or a longer running time seemed necessary. There were many scenes that were extremely rushed, and there were a few instances, where I was wondering what the fuck just happened, and not in a good way.
- At times it felt like the movie couldn't decide if it was a character-driven or plot-driven film. While I generally prefer character-driven films over plot-driven ones, this is a movie that clearly needed to be plot-oriented, and some of the scenes seemed redundant and drawn out, causing the film to drag in the middle third.
- Consequently, there were not as many action scenes as I had hoped for.


- The action scenes that were there were absolutely fantastic. Make no mistake: this movie is NOT for the faint of heart, and there were quite a few really good thrills and scares along the way.
- Mel Gibson was great as the grieving father turned vengeful detective. The supporting cast did a good enough job, although due to the high amount of characters, no supporting character got enough screen time to really shine.
- I was expecting another "Lethal Weapon", but instead got more, with a highly thoughtful script that forced you to think and pay close attention, as there was a lot of subtlety in the film.
- By the end of the film, I realized that coming into the movie expecting a shoot-em-out thriller really damaged by viewing of the movie, as I did not pay attention to scenes and little things that I ordinarily would have, reminding me that it's best to come into a movie with a "blank slate" and an open mind.

GRADE: B...While not without its flaws, this was still a solid thriller that I would recommend to all guys, and strong-stomached women. "Edge of Darkness" will definitely keep you on the edge of your seat, and if you pay attention, and absorb the film's first half, you will be rewarded with a thoroughly entertaining and resounding second half.

Friday, January 29, 2010

TV Shows that Readers Have Introduced The Moderator to

that are worthy of a viewing...

"Modern Family": A mockumentary focusing on three generations of a typical suburban family. Starring the guy who played Al Bundy and the chick who played Happy Gilmore's woman, this show is absolutely hysterical, with all the characters including the kids pulling their own weight. Yes two of the main characters are teh ghey, but they're fucking hilarious, and even still, it is outweighed by the fact that both the two moms are SUPER HAWT, and if you saw the newest episode, the opening "webcam" scene was well mouthwatering hawtness.

"Cash Cab": The show's host poses as a cab driver, and picks up unsuspecting cab fares, asking them random questions for which they can win cash. A pretty cool trivia game for people who enjoy answering random off-the-wall questions i.e. perfect for readers of this blog.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Appetizer Power Rankings

(1) Red Lobster Biscuits, and it's not even close
(2) New England Clam Chowder from that restaurant we went to on the waterfront in the LBC (yes I'm black). Thanks for the recommendation Hillary I think it was.
(3) Whatever the name of that soup was that I had at Paul and Heather's engagement dinner. Beyond phenomenal, thanks for the pick Mrs. Owen.
(4) Mother Fucking Wings
(5) Nachos
(6) Mozzarella Sticks
(7) Fried Rice from that Chinese food place we went to last weekend...set the perfect tone to the best meal this microwave dinner-aholic has had in a long time.
(8) Cheese Fries
(9) Chicken Fingers
(10)Mini Quesadillas

Guy Movies Power Rankings

Note: These are not necessarily my favorite movies, but are the ultimate guy movies, which every red blooded heterosexual American male must watch, and love.

For simplicity's sake, and for the sake of maintaining the G rating of this fucking blog, I will exclude all "adult" movies aka pornos aka friday night movie night for certain readers of this blog. If you are male and you don't know why a certain movie is on this list, then perhaps you should reconsider your sexuality. Women: the criteria is a careful blend of action, crudeness, crassness, explosions, special effects, no MAAMism, bad ass dialogue, and hawt women, or just the fact that it's a sports movie.

(1) Die Hard
(2) Terminator 2
(3) Field of Dreams
(4) The Hangover...could move up over time, but the top 3 have stood have stood the test of time, and deserve their top rankings.
(5)True Lies
(6) Heat
(7) Tombstone
(8) The Departed
(9) Old School
(10)Wedding Crashers

Current Playlist

- "Replay"
- "In my Head"
- "Sexy Back"
- "California Love"
- Anything by Snoop Dogg
- Anything by Eminem
- "How Low"
- "Yeah"
- ANYTHING but that damn Keisha song

Sober Blackouts

- For whatever reason these have been happening to me all the time at all sorts of random times/intervals, whilst my BAC is 0.00, I'm wide awake, I don't do drugs obv. and am no longer on any medication.

- Should be concerned and if I were somebody else, I probably would be, but alas it is me, and my body has always had weird ways of telling me to go fuck myself, so I'll just take it as one of those things that will pass.

- It's not a concentration thing, it's not like I just zone out or can't concentrate, it's like I literally have no idea what's going on, and how I got where I am. Reason I know this is that most of these sober blackouts have occurred while driving, often with other people in the car, and have never had any complaints about said driving. So I'm clearly focused, I just either forget or don't realize that I'm concentrating, if that makes any sense.

- Plus it's kind of cool to be driving, mid-conversation, in class, playing poker, blogging, just hanging out, etc. and be like OMG what the fuck just happened to the last 15 minutes. Like no clue whatsoever, and having to ask the person nearest to me what the fuck is going on.

An Argument Against Public Restrooms

Don't get me wrong, as part of my I don't give two shits about life expectancy philosophy, I am a frequent inhabitor of public restrooms, because when you've gotta go, you've gotta go. However, the anti-public restroom camp has some solid arguments, and I've noticed a few of my own, and they deserve to be heard.

- Dane Cook is right, everything is so fucking wet. When you're holding something, and need to put it down, it's like the old sign I remember on Bigfoot Rapids (It will get wet, it may get soaked).

- So many man law violations occur in the men's room. Some guys are just clueless, some are teh ghey, and others just don't care. Whatever the reason said violations are extremely life tilting.

- Pretty sure that you have a greater chance of getting teh AIDS by simply walking into a gas station/beach bathroom than you do by sharing needles with a 50cent Tijuana hooker.

- Given how many people don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom, can you fucking imagine how dirty and how many fucking germs are on the bathroom door handles? Once again, not that I care, but just food for thought for you germaphobes.

Random Shit I Would Like to See Whilst Driving

Actually can cross two things off the list thanks to today's events:

- A very old lady who was driving like a 16 year old kid. At first I was pissed b/c she cut me off, then when I saw it was grandma behind the wheel while she sped and swerved all over the road, I couldn't help but admire her, and was saying Go Grandma Go!

- A DeLorean...sure I've seen them before, but this was the first time I really noticed one on the road. Needless to say on the open road that I was on, driving side-by-side it, I was very disappointed when it didn't jettison up to 88MPH and disappear.

New List

- A major traffic accident that doesn't involve a single Asian driver
- Pulling up next to some hawt chick and have her give me her number with the digits of her hands
- A long stretch of road in front of me on a normally busy street, with ZERO cars in sight, and nothing but green lights.
- The ending of a high-speed chase. Maybe on like the opposite side of the road or something, so I'm not delayed, but it would just be sick to see the cops fuck some dude up.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Elevator Etiquette

- Ladies first ALWAYS! Even if they're not hawt, it's just common fucking courtesy.
- Cell phone conversations are ok, but try to keep the volume down
- If you see a family with a shit ton of little kids trying to catch your ride, it's perfectly acceptable to rapidly hit the close doors button.
- Drunk elevator conversations are ALWAYS encouraged and perfectly acceptable.
- Randomly talking to guys on an elevator is NOT acceptable unless the topic of conversation is some hawt chick that you just passed by
- Randomly talking to unattractive or modest looking women is acceptable if the topic is appropriate or circumstances call for it.
- Randomly talking to attractive women is not only encouraged, but REQUIRED! Hopefully there will be an appropriate topic to discuss, but if not then pull an audible, or if you must a hail mary, anything to try and start a conversation and get those digits.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Things That Are Okay

There has been plenty of discussion about unacceptable things that guys do in order to keep their women happy, and trust me I've seen my share of cringe/vomit inducing violations committed by virtually every married/engaged/relationship male friend and family member. That being said, here are some things that meet my approval, because inevitably you have to keep the womenz happy somehow.

- Brunch: So long as you're home in time for the day's baseball/football games, I'm never going to argue against two meals for the price of one. Do note however, that substituting bacon/eggs/sausage for muffins and cantaloupe is NOT OKAY!

- Going through a Victoria's Secret Catalog with the woman (umm to help her make the right picks of course)

- Sitting down with the old lady for a night of the Food Channel Network: If it's a Giada marathon and/or she is preparing said meals for you while you are watching the show.

- The Occasional Chick Flick: But for every "Pretty Woman" night, there better be at least two "Die Hard" nights.

Baseball Pet Peeves

- When people say the losing score first, i.e. "We lost 4-5". The sports world does NOT revolve around your team, stop being a douche, and when you lose give your opponent props and announce their winning score first.

- When fucktards don't run out every ground ball as if their life depended on it, or just show a general lack of hustle. Show your coaches, teammates, and fans that you care ffs. This game is hard enough, the only thing you can control is hustle, so fucking do it!

- People who ask "Did we win last night?" at a baseball game.

- People who leave baseball games early. If getting home early is such a priority, then you shouldn't have gone to the game in the first place, go a night when you can stay the whole time. I can maybe understand if you are with women/children and it's a blowout, but guys leaving a game early, or leaving a close game is ALWAYS UNACCEPTABLE! FWIW mark this down, if I suffer a serious injury or health attack during a Dodger game, I demand that whoever I am with NOT let me leave until the game is over.

- When people (myself included) fuck up by scorebook.

- Those mother fucking walks! They always come back and burn you.

- People who make noise or stay seated during the national anthem. You don't have to love this country and it's leaders, but show some fucking respect you cuntbags.

- All that annoying mickey mouse shit that happens between innings. Bloopers, highlights of other games, and alright I'll concede on the Kiss cam just because it makes for some really fucking funny moments are the only acceptable things to be played.

- Like 95% of L.A. baseball fans and their overly laid back attitude. For someone who literally lives and dies with his team 365 days a year, this whole culture and the "Its just a game attitude" life tilts me to no end. Fuck the East Coast teams, but their fans have just the right attitude.

Future Attractions

Coming soon to a blog near you:

- A full breakdown of all 30 MLB teams along with fantasy baseball breakdowns
- Plently of LOL Marriage Jokes
- Due to news learned tonight, more pathetically disgraceful epic woman fail stories of the moderator. Lets just say there's this one chick that no matter how many times I fail, I can't stop trying.
- Super Bowl Preview with full in depth analysis
- Fantasy Baseball Draft Preview with full strategy, discussion, and analysis for any females who may choose to partake in this fine tradition this season. H + H, I'm totally going to talk you into playing!
- LOL Valentine's Day tips, jokes, and the moderator's own success/epic fail story from the date that he WILL secure for that night. Seriously I don't care if I have to go out with the ugliest chick in So. Cal., lol okay the 2nd ugliest chick in So Cal, I'm going to have a date.

The Moderator's Sweet One-Liner

My women fail stories have been well-documented on here, but here was a nice little one-liner that I pulled off the other night, that I was kind of proud of, mostly because it just came to me, and because for once in my fucking life, I was cool and collected around chicks, and didn't freak the fuck out.

Alright so as was kind of mentioned in a prior post, these three chicks just pulled me aside and started flirting with me. The conversation was going well, when the drunk one said:

"If I were a little bit drunker, I would totally fuck you", to which I replied,

"Well, can I buy you another drink?" but like in a non creepy way.

We all got a pretty damn good laugh out of that, plus ohh yea I taught them my new form of greeting: fist bump + blow it up + high five, it's pretty fucking awesome, you should try it some time. Seriously can't tell you how much confidence this encounter gave me, perhaps the tide is turning for the moderator. Obviously I'm not good-looking, rich, or a complete and total douchebag which seems to be the three times of guys that women like, so my only chance is to be the funny guy.

Woman of the Day

Aunt Becky (Lori Laughlin) from Full House...along with Danny Tanner she hosted the morning show "Wake Up San Francisco" and I'll tell you they could air that show at 3 in the fucking morning, and half the straight guys in the world would wake up, or stay up to watch her. She defined the word MILF, before it was invented, and Uncle Jesse was a very lucky man. Also winner of my hottest TV mom of all time award.

Moderately Priced Alcohol Power Rankings

No commentary, just drink them and you'll realize why they are up there. Obviously if you're a sick high roller you can get better than this, but here are the rankings for us non crazy high rollers

1. Chivas Regal
2. Jameson Irish Whiskey
3. Samuel Adams Winter Lager
4. Patron Tequila
5. Fat Tuesdays Yardstick 190 Octane (Everclear + Orange Juice)
6. Crown Royal
7. Grey Goose
8. Margarita on the Rocks
9. Corona Extra
10. Sake Bombs

Monday, January 25, 2010

Female Power Rankings January 2010 Edition

1. Carrie Underwood: The perfect woman! Looks, beauty, talent, obviously likes sports, has that bubbly cute personality, well-spoken, just the complete package. I'm no ashamed to admit that when I'm feeling a bit down I watch her music videos, and insta feel better. <3 <3 <3 HER X 318908489.

2. Kaley Cuoco: From "8 Simple Rules" and "The Big Bang Theory" this super hawt neighbor of a bunch of nerds gives all us super losers hope that we can score a 10 someday. In addition to being super hawt, she actually isn't that bad of an actress either. Her and Sheldon are absolutely perfect in every single one of their scenes together. In addition to the dialogue, all of their non-verbal communication is executed to perfection between these two rivals/friends. Note: the moderator EPIC FUCKING FAILED by failing to include her in the original power rankings.

3. Autumn Reeser: Taylor from the OC. Not as famous as these other women, but she will forever be an exception. Watched the OC JUST for her, and she actually might have trumped Kelly Kapowski as all time hottest TV character. Just all kinds of sexiness, and still maintains the #3 spot, even though I haven't seen her in anything for quite some time now. Her Maxim photoshoot is the definition of the word HAWT!

4. Isla Fisher: While the age old question has always been blondes or brunettes, everything else being equal, I'll take redheads any day. She brings such a vibrant perkiness to every movie she's in, and if you've ever seen her in interviews or on late night shows, her accent is to fucking die for.

5. Eva Longoria: Tony Parker, you look and act like a little fucktard faggot, but you must be doing something right to snag this super hawt piece of ass.

6. Megan Fox: Always going to be the most controversial name of any list, with half the people swearing she's the hottest thing since the invention of the oven, and the other half swearing she's trailer park trash. She's dropped a little bit on my list because she doesn't always look super hawt, but still if you've seen either of the Transformers movies and don't include her on a top 10 list, then you sir are teh ghey!

7. Jessica Alba: The hottest of the Jessica's imo, she isn't the greatest actress in the world, but who the fuck cares as long as she looks good doing it.

8. Hayden Panetierre: Alright she's 20 now, so I think she's old enough for me not to come off as too creepy when I say that hot damn she's fucking hawt. Give her a few more years, and she could very easily move up to the #2 slot.

9. Jenna Fischer: Ridiculously underrated. The ultimate girl next door who you still have no chance in hell with.

10. Salma Hayek: Everytime I hear she's over 40, I just sit in complete bewilderment. Unfuckingbelievably smoking hot body, even at her age, and her snake dance in "From Dusk Till Dawn" is top 3 all time sexiest non-porno movie scenes.

Honorable Mention: 20th century Jamie Lee Curtis. She's too old for my tastes now, but hot damn she was THE class of the late 70's/early 80's, and gave the "performance" of a lifetime in "True Lies". Honestly can't remember jack diddly poo about that movie except that one scene.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Random Shows From My Childhood that Need to be Brought Back

- MST3K= Was on the Sci-fi channel on saturday mornings and was the NUTS! A guy and 2 robots are captured by some crazy evil woman who forces them to watch the worst movies ever made, while they provide hilarious commentary.

- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles= because from 7-7:30 in the morning, they were the four biggest badasses alive. GTFO Shredder and Krang! Raphael FTW!

- Reading Rainbow + The Magic School Bus= made learning not only cool, but fun as well. Not gonna lie, I loved the Reading Rainbow theme song, and would frequently randomly start singing it at home. When my sister told all my friends about this, lets just say I never heard the end of it.

- Under the Umbrella Tree= Also made learning fun, and I was seriously in love with Holly. Along with Kelly Kapowski, she was one of two women whom young marc1313 would have insta married.

Vikings-Saints Recap

- Before discussing the Vikings, lets tip our cap to the Saints. Their offense struggled, but they avoided the big mistakes for the most part, forced many of those turnovers, made the plays when they had to, and when the game was on the line, for the first time in these playoffs, their kicker was clutch, and drained that kick that started the biggest party in Bourbon Street history.

- Yes the officiating was questionable to say the least in OT to say the least, but it never should have come down to that.

- When you turn the football over 5 Times, with 3 more fumbles that you were lucky enough to recover, but still lost tons of yardage on, you Do Not deserve to win the football game, I don't care how badly you outplayed the other team. Really feel bad for the Vikings D who played a great game, and locked down Brees & Co. in the second half, despite their offense continuously putting them in compromising spots.

- THE End of Regulation: WAY too conservative on the first and second down. The Vikings' receivers were getting good separation from the Saints DB's, and they should have run some quick outs or slants to try and make it a more manageable FG attempt for Longwell. Then lost amidst the officiating controversy and the turnovers, was what I thought was the biggest play of the game, which was the inexplicable, unforgivable "12 men" penalty against the Vikes COMING out of a timeout. If they didn't gain another yard, it would have been a 50 yard attempt, just run the ball up the middle, get another 2-3 yards, and have a 47-48 yarder which is definitely makable. But the penalty FORCED the Vikings into a passing situation, and well the rest is history. Obviously a Horrible decision, but one that should have been avoided.

- While I was rooting for the Saints, my heart really goes out to Vikings fans. I remember the 97/98 Championship game where their kicker missed a short FG, and then Atlanta shipped the game in OT. The best team in NFL history to not make the Super Bowl, and this game just continues their history of frustration and heartbreak in Championship games. Still a GREAT GAME! Hope the Super Bowl is half the game that this one was.

Peyton Manning Is Not a Real Person

- Facing the #1 ranked Jets defense that completely shut down the Chargers explosive balanced attack, #18 just shredded the Jets for 377 yards, 3TD's and 0INT's. Most of the damage was done by Haitian born Pierre Garcon, and the stormin Mormon Austin Collie, but Wayne and Clark each made a couple big plays each.

- The Jets did what they always do, and blitzed all night, which works 99% of the time, but not against Peyton Manning. He diagnosed their blitzes at the line of scrimmage, and dumped off quick slants, quick outs, and burned the Jets vaunted D for big play after big play in what considering the stakes and the opponent, was the best quarterbacked game I have ever seen.

- The Colts D stepped it up big time as well, and despite allowing a couple HUGE plays early, locked down Thomas Jones in the 2nd half, and kept the Jets D out on the field for what seemed like an eternity.

The MAPS Theory

M= marc1313/the moderator
A= attractiveness
P= Poker
S= Stars

Rule #1: When the moderator is NOT wearing Poker Stars clothing OR a given female's BAC is below 0.20, she is required under Article 10 Section 3 of Woman Law to find the moderator repulsive, unattractive, brush him off, and kick him to the curb.

Rule #2: When however a given female's BAC is over 0.20 AND the moderator is wearing Poker Stars related clothing, he becomes the hottest, sexiest guy in the bar/club.

Rule #3: I really need to start wearing Poker Stars related clothing more often.

Rule #4: Drunk chicks are FUCKING AWESOME!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Championship Sunday Preview

For football purists, this is probably the greatest day of the year, given how commercialized the Super Bowl has become, and how it caters to stiffs, douchewads, and housewives who couldn't pick Drew Brees or Darelle Revis out of a lineup.

Jets @ Colts: A rematch that only the karma Gods could conjure up. A week after Rex Ryan told the media that he thought his team was mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, the Colts started this run, by mailing it in, and benching their starters and punting away their undefeated season. I should note that I am officially sold on the Jets. Their defense is just beyond sick, and Darrelle Revis is the 2nd best player in football. Unfortunately for the Jetsm they're facing the best on Sunday. Peyton Manning isn't going to make the same mistakes that Rivers made. The Chargers had a good thing going early in the game with Rivers to Gates, but then abandoned it later in the game, instead challenging the Jets more vertically, and were punished for it. Dallas Clark, Austin Collie, and Pierre Garcon need to and should have big games for the Colts, as Reggie Wayne will be locked down on Revis Island. Against a nearly identical to the Jets Ravens team last week, the Colts shut down Ray Rice, and forced a couple Joe Flacco turnovers that shifted momentum in the game. Expect the same on Sunday, and while the Jets keep it close, a couple long drives in the 2nd half seal Peyton's 2nd trip to Miami.

Colts 21 Jets 14

Vikings @ Saints: A lot of question marks are still in the air, literally, as Percy Harvin, DE Ray Edwards, and both halves of the Williams Wall are questionable for the game. The Vikes will need all 3 linemen to slow down the dynamic duo of Pierre Thomas/Reggie Bush who had an electric game last week than conjured up memories of his days at SC. More importantly, the Vikings absolutely MUST be able to put forth a fierce pass rush, ideally with just their 4 down linemen, or Drew Brees and his embarrassment of riches will shred the Vikings secondary that has been vulnerable to good passing attacks this season. However, I think the Saints grossly overlooked DEFENSE is what will win them this game. Last week, they absolutely blitzkrieged Warner and the normally stout Arizona O-Line. I expect more of the same this weekend. All Day will be held in check, the Superdome will be Rocking, and the city that desperately needs something to celebrate will will their team to victory.

Saints 27 Vikings 13

Friday, January 22, 2010

Golfing as Opposed to (Football) In The Rain

is kind of like making out with Carrie Underwood's twin sister. Yea it's not the real thing, but you're having too much fun to care.

My Football Philosophy

If I were a Head Coach:

PRIORITY #1: find the best positional coaches available. While playcalling is obviously huge, I'm a strong believer in the value of strong positional coaches who develop talent. What's the point in getting all 5 star recruits, or tons of stud 1st rounders, if their talents aren't properly developed to fit your team's philosophy.

PRIORITY #2: No one man is above the team + It Don't Mean a Thing if you Ain't got that Ring! Primadonnas, guys who trash talk tweet instead of watching film, and guys who call out their teammates/coaches can GTFO! There's no place for you here. And if you think making the playoffs, or winning your conference makes the season successful, GET OUT! You play to win championships, and anything less than a title makes the season a complete and total failure. I WANT GUYS WHO WANT and expect nothing less than a title.

PRIORITY #3: TURNOVERS + DISCIPLINE! We will NOT turn the ball over, and we will force turnovers on defense. The team that wins the turnover battle usually wins the game, and this will always be the most stressed aspect of this team. To show you how serious I am, if you throw an interception you sit out the next possession, if you miss a block that causes a turnover you sit out the next possession, and if you FUMBLE my fucking football, Lord help me just take off your helmet because you're not seeing any action the rest of this game.

As for discipline, if you commit a lack of focus penalty you miss the next possession, if you commit a personal foul penalty that was avoidable, you're sitting out the rest of the game.

PRIORITY #4: Pound that rock! On offense we are going to pound that rock down your throat, until you can't take anymore, and then we'll take some chances down field, and have your defense gasping for air.

PRIORITY #5: WE BLITZ ALL NIGHT! We will put 7-8 men in the box and we won't let you run the ball on us. Once you've become one-dimensional, we're blitzing all night, in all sorts of schemes, and from all different directions. If you burn us, you burn us for a quick strike, and our defense gets to rest, but we won't stop pressuring you, and we're not going to sit back and let you relax. We're going for our own big plays via sacks or turnovers ourselves.

Samuel Adams Winter Lager

Hands fucking down best mother fucking beer I've ever had, and it's not even close. Obviously way better on tap than in a bottle, but bottle is still fine as well. The only problem is that once consuming it, all other beers pale in comparison to it. I've always said that a beer is a beer, and while maintaining that a beer should never be turned down or wasted, Winter Lager is the KING of beers!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Best Man Duties: An electic mix of honors, super awesomeness and LOL's

As many of you know, my bro Paul is off and gone to make the biggest mistake of his life, and has selected me to be the best man. This is an extreme honor, and probably the only opportunity that I will get to fulfill these duties, since most of my other bros either have actual blood brothers, or friends that they've known longer/are closer to. Despite my very staunch LOL marriage beliefs, I know that I sure as fuck better not fuck any of this shit up, or face the wrath of bridezilla.

-Serve as the groom's personal aide and adviser before and during the wedding. This can include helping him pack for the honeymoon (the valet part)

I make no promises, but I'll at least try to make sure he makes it to the ceremony alive, although I can't promise he'll be conscious. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions. As for the "personal aide", Bro, you're going to be 25 years old on that fateful date, you can get dressed on your own. Fuck, I can barely dress myself, how the fuck am I going to dress another human being. Plus dude dressing another guy is pretty fucking gay. Packing= no problem just pack your bag full of booze, booze, and more booze. You're getting married, lady liquor is going to be your best friend from this point on. As for the advisor part: Well I highly doubt that you're going to want to hear what I really think, so I suppose I'll feed you a bunch of bullshit. Just remember to say the right name, and when in doubt, just say "You're right honey, sorry, I love you" and then stop talking.

-Help the groom choose and rent (or buy) wedding formalwear, and coordinate the other groomsmen's rentals. You guys are supposed to match, after all! You may be expected to arrange accommodations for out-of-town groomsmen.

LOL just LOL at bridezilla allowing the guy who still believes that stripes on stripes (to create a straight line obv...this has been a topic of extensive debate) is good fashion sense to make any decisions regarding clothes.

-Organize the bachelor party. Don't be shy about enlisting other groomsmen to help you out -- most guys don't mind this duty! Put financial worries out of your mind -- the cost should be split among everyone who attends the bash.

The plan as of now though is tons of: Coke(the soda silly) + watching sports (but not betting on it) + discussing our feelings FTW!

-Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner with the bride and groom and all the other attendants. This is your chance to figure out how you're supposed to walk down that aisle.

This will be VERY necessary. Having not attended a wedding in over 12 years, and remembering nothing about any previously attended weddings, I'm going to be pretty fucking clueless about everything until this point. God awful chick flicks are really my only guide to weddings at this point.

-Stand beside the groom at the altar and keep the bride's ring until vows are exchanged. Find a safe place for the ring (and triple check that your pockets don't have holes) -- you don't want to fumble around when it's time to whip it out.

*cough* Don't do it. While I'm generally clumsy, when the fucking game is on the line, I'm all about power running the ball up the middle, and trust me all, I'm not going to lose that rock.

-Corral the other guys and make sure they're performing their groomsman duties.

The blind leading the blind

-Sign the marriage license as a witness after the ceremony, along with the maid of honor.

LOL at my signature on a marriage license. So funny for so many reasons. I'm pretty sure that my signature on a marriage license officially makes the marriage null and void, but nonetheless, it is my duty, and I will fulfill it.

-Give the officiant a sealed envelope with his or her fee (the groom's responsibility) just after the ceremony.

No problem.

-You may be announced with the maid of honor when the reception begins.

Will be an honor. Ashley is super awesome.

-Dance with both the honor attendant and the bride during the wedding party dances.

Dancing with the bridesmaids or any other females in the ceremony= an honor and privilege. When it comes time to dance with the bride, I guess I'll find a fucking bowling alley or something.

-Give the first toast to the bride and groom at the reception. This is your biggest and probably most frightening -- duty. Read our article about how to give a toast, and remember the cardinal rule: Mum's the word on the bachelor bacchanalia.

Ohh fuck no it's not frightening. In fact I'm excited as fuck for this part. Already have a solid draft of my toast, and lets just say that I have a surprise in store for the bride and groom. Anybody who knows me, and is there will never forget it.

-Decorate the getaway mobile. Grab the other groomsmen and the bridesmaids for this one.

I DEFINITELY have some good ideas here. Doubt I'm actually going to get to use any of them though.

-Drive the couple to the wedding-night hotel or airport after the reception. If you perform this service, you'll need to stay sober throughout the reception. If you have a feeling this may not be possible, hire a limo to drive the couple into the sunset.

I know this is the one that the moms are going to be paranoid and concerned about, but given all the duties that I will be having to fulfill, I doubt that I'll have time to drink anyways, and even if I could, I WON'T. This is their day, and all kidding aside, I'm not going to fuck it up, and driving them one more time in the Old Civic will be an honor. Plus, there will be plenty of time after the fulfillment of my duties to beat my liver into oblivion, which trust me I will.

Greatest One Hit Wonders From My Lifetime

- Tubthumping: "Pissing the night away"= greatest lyrical line EVER!
- Baby Got Back: Because just like Sir Mix-A-Lot, I like big butts and I cannot lie
- How Bizarre
- 867-5309
- Turning Japanese...a little racist, but who the fuck cares, it's funny as fuck!
- Bitter Sweet Symphony
- She's So High
- Save Tonight
- Closing Time
- There are a couple pretty fucking ghey songs I could add to this list that I actually like, but they're seriously so ghey that I'd be embarrassed to show my face in public if I admitted to liking them.

And the Crown Jewel Champion: "Because I Got High", the only song that literally has me laughing my ass off EVERY single time I hear it.

Dishonorable Mention: The aforementioned "Macarena" and "Who Let the Dogs Out"...FUCK THE METS!

Revisiting the Macarena

- The undisputed greatest 1 hit wonder of all-time
- This was seriously the only song that played on the radio for what seemed like the entire time I was in middle school, and I absolutely hated it. This song was one of the major reasons why I flat out did not like music until high school, never listened to the radio, never watched MTV, just hated music.
- The craze over the song was unreal. One of the weirdest most insane crazy cultural fads of the decade, and I randomly remembered it just now, and the first time through, thought: Hey this isn't so bad, a couple of the chicks in the music video are kind of cute, why did I hate it so much?
- Then I listened to it again, and all those feelings of hate came storming back. Seriously, listen to the song all the way through, and like me you will probably want to stab yourself in the face. Just the epitome of Please Shut the Fuck Up! Really not catchy, 90% of hip hop songs are better dancing music than this, and I still don't know how it got so big.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Ranking the Amusement Parks

Disneyland vs. Knotts Berry Farm vs. Six Flags Magic Mountain

- The Happiest Place on Earth
- Two parks instead of one
- Don't know if they still have it, but I <3d the Electrical Parade when I was a little kid
- TONS TONS TONS of annoying as fuck little kids...where the SI Theory was invented, and it is definitely an orange, borderline red zone
- I don't care what anybody says, the Small World song is awesome. Would go on that ride multiple times in one day.
- Holy Fuck the Snow White ride is the scariest fucking ride in North America. I've gone on virtually every type of roller coaster, and never so much as flinched, but the Snow White ride just terrified the beejesus out of me. I still see that witch in my head.
- They also have Downtown Disney with ESPN Zone
- Perfect to take a girl, seriously P-E-R-F-E-C-T

Knotts Berry Farm
- Ghostrider is probably my 2nd favorite ride ever behind X
- Plenty of good coasters, and I always get nostalgic when I ride on Montezooma's (1st roller coaster I ever went on). FML for being so insanely short and not meeting height requirements until I was like 10.
- The Mother Fucking Chicken AND the biscuits. Phenomenal.
- The Carrie Underwood of funnel cake is served there
- Perilous Plunge. A word to the wise: Going on that ride at 10 at night is not a particularly good idea.
- Lots of douchebag middle school and high school kids
- Frequent ride breakdowns at least when I've gone
- Definitely NOT romantic, and there isn't a ton of "fun stuff" to do

Six Flags Magic Mountain
- The Taj Mahal for roller coaster enthusiasts
- X is just the sickest experience you can imagine. Don't think, just let enjoy the fucking ride.
- Tons of gangbangers and flat out douchewads
- In the summers, its fucking hotter than Megan Fox in Transformers
- The Tidal Wave ride, and standing on the bridge= sweet relief
- Every different type of coaster you can imagine, and they're always cranking out more
- Plenty of games and other stuff to do. I don't care how old you get, bumper cars never cease to be fun and awesome.

Final Rankings:
Guys Day Out: Six Flags > Knotts > Disneyland
Girls Day Out: Disneyland Only!
Guys and Girls: Disneyland > Six Flags > Knotts

My Ideal MLB 25 Man Roster For 2010

Real baseball not fantasy baseball, so defense plays a big role in some of these picks, and injury concerns keep a few names like Johan and Beltran off the team.

C- Joe Mauer
1B- Albert Pujols
2B- Chase Utley
SS- Hanley Ramirez
3B- Alex Rodriguez
LF- Ryan Braun
CF- Matt Kemp
RF- Ichiro
SP- Tim Lincecum, Zack Greinke, Felix Hernandez, Roy Halladay, Josh Johnson
SU- Joe Nathan
CL- Mariano Rivera
BN- Brian McCann, Ryan Howard, Chone Figgins, Troy Tulowitzki, Grady Sizemore
Bullpen- Adam Wainwright, CC Sabathia, Jonathan Papelbon, Jon Lester, Joakim Soria

Wouldn't It Be Funny

if when you died, you saw a video of everything that you did when you were blackout drunk? OMG my video would be pretty damn long, and would certainly be an eclectic mix of pure hilarity and douchiness. I am quite certain that some of your guy's videos would be super fucking awesome as well, especially some of you older guys. Can't even imagine how fucking crazy you were in your early-mid 20's.

Woman of the Day: Eva Longoria

Famous for: Desperate Housewives...never seen an episode of the show, but would strongly consider watching it just for her, but even better, wouldn't mind starring on the show.

The Racial Draft Rounds 1 and 2

Snake Order just like fbb/ffb drafts in alphabetical order.


Asians: With the #1 overall pick in the racial draft, the Asians select Eldrick Tiger Woods from the University of Stanford. He's more Asian than he is anything else, and sponsors or not, he's still the fucking man, and with a few more dominant seasons on tour will surpass MJ as the greatest athlete of all-time.

Blacks: With the #2 overall pick in the racial draft, the Blacks select President Barack Obama. Love him or hate him, he's still the leader of the free world. Barack gives the Blacks power to threaten all mixed-race future round picks into siding with them, or face the full might of the U.S. military.

Hispanics: The Hispanics select Senor Alberto Pujols from the St. Louis Cardinals. The greatest hitter in the free world, a Gold Glove Defenseman, supposedly a strong leader in the community, this man is Mr. Everything in the city of St. Louis, and unlike the other first round picks, he is universally liked, well unless you live in Chicago, or your name is Brad Lidge.

Whites: In a very surprising, yet clever move, the Whites select Carrie Underwood from American Idol. Possibly a move to counteract the Asians first round selection, as Carrie will all but take Tiger out of the running, this selection should have later round potential picks scrambling to prove that they're 1/64 white, because seriously who doesn't want to be on Carrie's team?


Whites: With their second pick, the Whites select Peyton Manning from the University of Tennessee. Selected just as much for his endorsement power as his athletic ability. In addition to winning his 4th MVP title this year, and striding for his 2nd Super Bowl ring, you can't turn on the TV without seeing Peyton Manning.

Hispanics: With the #6 overall pick, the Hispanics select Eva Longoria from Wisteria Lane. In what has to be construed as a reactionary pick to the Carrie Underwood pick, the Hispanics give themselves a fine complement to Pujols, as everybody should be desperate for this desperate housewife.

Blacks: The Blacks select Ed Alonzo (Denzel in Training Day) with their second round pick. On the surface this is an insane pick, but I actually think that it might be the steal of the draft, because King Kong ain't got SHIT ON HIM! If anyone dares oppose the blacks now, they run the risk of being nuked, or end up playing basketball in Pelican Bay. He'll frame you, he'll shoot a "friend" in the chest with a shotgun at point-blank range, Alonzo is a crazy mother fucker who has no rules and has allegiance to nobody but himself. The danger is that Alonzo is an explosive personality who is sure to cause conflict within his own team, and is almost sure to consider Obama a weak pussy, and will make his move for power and control of the team.

Asians: The Dalai Lama. In the hopes of landing the dynamic 1-2 punch of Lama-Carl Spackler (the greenskeeper in Caddyshack) the Asians hit the nail on the head with this pick, and are sure to yield the masses of people who seek "total consciousness" on their deathbeds.

Some Fun Drinking Games

- Beer Pong of always make up your own rules as you go along, and always try to screw over your opponent
- Flip Cup: team game, gets everybody involved
- The 24 Game: Invented by my former roommate Eugene Chang, you watch an episode of 24, and everytime somebody dies, you have to take a shot...If you top my record of 11 shots in 40 minutes without puking your guts out, I'll buy you a beer
- Kings Cup I think that's what it's called...basically you take turns picking cards, and pouring a bit of your drink into the community cup...when somebody draws a King, they have to chug the community cup...not fun to lose, plenty of fun to win
- The "I've Never" Game: Fun, and you get to learn plenty about your friends, but not really fun for virgins
- Tequila Blackjack: Simple, one person is the house, the other is the player, and the loser of each hand does a shot of tequila
- Vodka and Halo: Multiplayer Halo tournament however many players you want, and everytime you die, you have to take a drink...needless to say, it greatly behooves you to get off to a good start
- Random Word Game: At the start of the night, the group picks a word at random, preferably one that is common in everyday speech, and anytime somebody says that word, they have to take a shot.
- The Chick Flick Game: Anytime somebody mentions a chick flick they have to take a shot. Additionally all straight men must take a shot for every chick flick they've seen in the calendar year.
- Dodgers-Angels-Jaegerbombs: Everytime a given team scores a run, or gets a hit, whatever criteria you want, fans of the opposing team must do a jaegerbomb.

Random Shit That I Miss

- My Old School Nintendo System...FUCK ME for giving it away to my little cousins, because it would be so fucking awesome to go back and play some TECMO Football, Duck Hunt, or RBI Baseball

- Being in massive pain and taking vicodin. 10X the high that alcohol gives you. Seriously, someone needs to just come up to me, and punch me in the face as hard as they can (I promise I won't press charges), because I can't just take vicodin for the sake of taking it (I have enough addictions already), but I really am craving one at the moment.

- Kickball

- Monk and The Shield...really sucks to have your two favorite TV shows go off the air in the same year

- The whiteboard in my old much shit talking + hilarious messages written on that board between roommates, friends, etc. and so many good drunken poker nights there.

- Presbyterian Hospital and SUPER SUPER HAWT it bad that I almost want something bad to happen to me, just so that I'm "forced" to have super hawt nurses catering to my every need.

- Mr. Gibson's AP Chemistry Class. OMG so much hilarity occurred in that classroom, I actually learned a lot, and well let's just say that was where I really got to know a special someone, but I don't want to get into that now, it's just all kinds of darkness thinking about that (see posts from July 10 of last year for full details if you're interested)

- Playing/practicing golf every single day with my my golfing buddies, and all the exploits that happened on the La Serna Golf Team.

- First on the tee La Mirada Golf Course the Kim 2some with the Kim 3some...2nd up the Kim 4 some...3rd up the Kim 3some with the Marc 2some....what is it like fucking $4 pitchers fuckheads, dudes let's fucking go out pound a couple of pitchers and then go play some golf

- Pickup basketball games with the cholos and the brothers at Parnell Park, and earning their respect with nonstop hustle, and making it rain with my jump shot

Ship IT!

- Two more years of MOTHER FUCKING ETHIER! Two more years of Broxton is a very solid by-note, but if he blows up in another NLCS Game 4 this year, marc1313 will be no more, i.e. deceased with the cause of death being self-inflicted injuries to the head with a blunt instrument like a remote control or possibly just alcohol poisoning.

- A couple other notes in the MLB world, are the Mariners locking up King Felix at the super discount rate of $78 million. Trust me, that's a sick bargain for the M's, and they're going to be a damn fine team for the forseeable future.

- The Marlins locking up Josh Johnson for 4 years/$39 million which is an even better deal than King Felix. Locking up HanRam and JJ gives the Marlins the best SS in the game, and one of the five best starting pitchers in the game for a long time. Another team that could make some noise this year, seriously no team has a better track record at raising young talent than the Marlins.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Poker Stars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker

Online Poker

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker! The WBCOOP is a free online Poker tournament open to all Bloggers, so register on WBCOOP to play.

Registration code: 488422

Monday, January 18, 2010

Some More Man Laws

- If you liked or recommended any of the "Twilight" movies, just fucking turn your mancard in right now, because you are either (a) beyond all fucking assistance or (b) the most disgusting pathetic type of traitor imaginable

- Being passed out drunk/hungover, deceased, or currently banging some hawt chick are the only legitimate excuses to miss a game of baseball or football

- Losing to a woman is acceptable, having your soul owned and destroyed by a woman is NOT acceptable.

- Getting married for reasons other than imminent pregnancy or that the female's name is Carrie Underwood is NEVER ACCEPTABLE!

- Watching Carrie Underwood music videos at 3am in the morning, and insta falling in love, is perfectly acceptable.

Some Pet Peeves of the Moderator

- All of the man law #1 violations that have been violated by alleged bros of the moderator in recent times. Umm fucktards stop telling your women EVERYTHING, they're not guys, and it's starting to piss me off. These man law #1 violations MUST STOP NOW, because you all know that I would never violate said man law myself, even though I easily could, and you fucktards are quickly losing my trust.

- How quickly and rapidly all of the moderator's drunken exploits get spread. When like all the moms know about all of my drunken exploits, even the stuff that I don't blog about, it's gone too far.

- Everybody saying that I'm not a real Chiefs fan + all the shit talking on my Chiefs. I've stuck by my team through a 4-12 season, and am intensely excited for the draft, have my jersey to prove it, and OMG I just cannot wait for the Chiefs to ship a Super Bowl title in the next few seasons, so that I can win the ultimate of all prop bets. Charlie Weis + Romeo completes the full New England transformation, and this team will be the next NFL dynasty. BOOK IT!

- How rapidly and sadly one of my unnamed bros is sinking into womanhood. Mushy Gushy couple "retreats" + Bed Bath & Beyond AND EVEN MORE DISTURBINGLY LIKING BOTH, taking precedent over the NFL Playoffs has me very very very concerned.

Things That Mix Well Together

- Popcorn, Peanut M&M's, Microwave Dinners, + Scotch
- Albertson's on weekend nights + Hot Chicks
- Carrie Underwood + Insta don't even think about it, just do it, Marriage
- Marriage to somebody not named Carrie Underwood + misery
- Tempurpedic Pillows + My Head
- Philip Rivers and the Fucktard who dumped Carrie Underwood AND Jessica Simpson + Epic Playoff Failures
- marc1313 + single and alone...makes for great blogging

Drunk People Part 4

Drunk Women

- Way too much drama
- Way too much crying
- Making a big deal out of absolutely NOTHING!
- Still, if single, will definitely hit it and quit it. Nothing hotter than a woman who's willing to throw her inhibitions into the wind.
- No idea how I've never scored a one night stand with all the times we've all gone out to clubs/bars/house parties and I've been crazy drunk guy. I mean yea drunk marc1313 is fucking insane and nuts, but it's oftentimes in a good way, and could definitely be seen as appealing to drunk chicks. Just going to chalk it to my wingmen/wingwomen epic failing on me.

Drunk People Part 3

Insane Crazy Drunk Guy

- He is an experienced drinker who at least on this particular occasion wants to drink fast, fast, fast.
- His personality is almost invariably outgoing and free-living, and like 100% of the time of the time he is single. LOL at any relationship guys being insane crazy drunk guy, because you women would whip his ass into shape.
- He will do anything and everything in the name of "having a good time", and this will invariably get him in plenty of trouble, but future generations of drinkers will sit around bonfires sipping their wine coolers and Smirnoff Ices, telling folktales about his adventures
- His reason for going insane crazy is usually to keep up with or more often to lap his buddies, in order to "impress the ladies".
- While obliterated, he will traditionally be an exaggerated version of himself, which ldo is cool, awesome, and a major douche.
- Drunk chicks and hawt female bartenders love him, everybody else hates him, and he usually wakes up with no recollection of what happened the night before, whether it was good or bad.
- The moderator is definitely NOT included in this category

Drunk People Part 2

Mr. Cool

- Almost exclusively men who are of above average height and weight who are experienced drinkers
- They can drink, drink, and drink, but almost invariably pace themselves, and their mood and behavior never changes
- This is probably the ideal and preferred form of drinker, and one that I try and strive for in more informal and laid back situations, but still need some work at achieving.

Drunk People Part 1

The Inexperienced Drunk

- The inexperienced drunk is usually a younger drinker
- He/she has never gotten drunk before and/or rarely drinks to the point of extreme intoxication, or is getting used to the concept of being drunk, and how to handle this feeling
- They are prone to extreme mood swings
- Experienced drinkers will be amazed at how quickly they get "drunk", until they remember that they were once that way
- They are extremely prone to sudden and frequent vomiting both during the course of drinking, as well as the following morning
- They deserve frequent ridicule, because it's the only way that they're going to get any better. If people didn't kick my ass into shape, I wouldn't have become the type 3 drinker that I am today.

Random Shit That I'd Love to See

- A Saved by the Bell Reunion
- Snow in the L.A Basin...come on God we've got a whole week of rain, just drop the temperature below 33 one time please!
- A signed doctor's note clearing me to play damn I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I just want to fucking hit somebody right now. Just throw my body and sacrifice myself to achieve the perfect hit and knock the fuck out of somebody. Receivers will think twice before coming over the middle again.
- A Perfect Game live in person
- What's at the end of the rainbow
- All the rapists and child molestors of the world being stoned to death at the hands of their victims
- Chris Johnson vs. Usain Bolt 40 yard dash
- Mark Madsen vs. marc1313 Dance Dance Revolution contest
- The NFL doing away with domed stadiums. Seriously, WTF?! This is football, not tennis, and playoff football is meant to be played in frigid temperatures with snow and wind, enough with this indoor pussy shit!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

What We've Learned in the NFL Playoffs

For all the love that offenses get, and despite the paradigm shift the NFL has undergone in recent years to being a more offense-centered league, DEFENSE STILL WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS! All 4 teams that won this week, saw their defenses turn in outstanding performances, and while the Colts and Saints units aren't exactly dominating, they make plays and put pressure on their opponents, and make big-changing plays that are so important in this league.

LOL San Diego Chargers

You just never cease to amaze me. Every year you manage to convince me and the rest of the football world that you guys are the team to beat, only to fail in spectacular fashion in the playoffs. Today's loss was by far the worst of all of them. The hottest team in the NFL, with more offensive weapons than any other team left in the playoffs, a kicker that made was all but perfect this season, and facing a team with a rookie Quarterback, that makes it perfectly clear that they are running the ball virtually every play.

- First off, hats off to the Jets. Their offense made the plays when they had to, their kicker actually made a field goal (seriously hats off to Jay Feely, not only for his kicking, but for doing a great job as replacement punter last week). But the story remains Darrelle Revis who shut down whoever he was covering on every play, and made a ridiculous INT catch that helped change the momentum in the game.

- Still, 2 HUGE INT's for Philip Rivers, 3 missed field goals from Nate Kaeding, a couple big plays allowed by their defense, and its inability to stop the Jets at the end of the game all led to their demise.

- Also, Norv Turner, WTF were you thinking trying that onside kick. With over 2 minutes to go in the game + a timeout, you kick it deep, and give the Jets 3 plays to make a 1st down, instead of the 4 that you gave them. Onside kicks have about a 15% success ratio, so kick it deep, because you know the Jets aren't throwing the ball there, and get the ball back with a little over a minute left. The Chargers defense was solid all day, but giving the Jets that extra down cost the Chargers the chance to get the ball back. Unreal fail Norv & Co.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

500th Post Picture Celebration Post

Wow, 500 Posts! I hope that you've all enjoyed reading this blog, as much as I've enjoyed writing and later discussing said material. Thanks as always for your support, this blog is nothing without you the readers, and just continue reading, and I will always look for ways to make it better. For now, enjoy this quick picture collage that men and women alike should enjoy.

Top 5 Cereals

#5- Frosted Flakes: Have to give some love to them, just because it was the only likable cereal that they served at the hospital, hence I always ordered it, hence it probably tasted like 10Million times better than they really are.

#4- Lucky Charms: Alright, were you a marshmallows first, marshmallows only, marshmallows last, or everything together kind of kid? Actually could go a longer to deciphering your personality type.

#3- Honeycomb: No comments, just awesome

#2- Captain Crunch: I'm not a big fan of different types of flavors and all that nonsense, but this is an exception. The peanut butter version was the mother fucking nuts.

#1- Cinnamon Toast Crunch: The epitome of unhealthy, because even the post-cereal milk tastes fantastic, and I hate milk.

WORST FUCKING CEREAL EVER: Kashi or something like that. It's basically an assortment of leaves and twigs. Just go outside, pick up whatever's on the ground, and it'll probably taste better than this stuff, but I guess it's "healthy" so people still buy, eat, and torture themselves.

The Moderator...

has a massive fucking headache, and would like for someone to inform him as to how the fuck it is three thirty nine in the fucking morning. Seriously it seems like five minutes have passed since I was chowing on my dinner at 7-8 o clock. I highly doubt that tomorrow morning is going to be a particularly enjoyable experience, and I'm sure that plenty of blog, and especially facebook deleting will be occurring.

Mother Fucking Bitching Appetizers

- Clam Strips
- Mozzarella Sticks
- Pretty much anything with cheese
- Anything with bacon in it
- New England Clam Chowder
- Shrimp, Scallops, phemnomenal....hey its like pizza baby its good no matter how you have it
- Buffalo Mother Fucking Wings...stop being a bitch and complaining about how unspicy/spicy the wings are...they're MF wings, just fucking eat, and enjoy you faggots
- Nachos
- Quesadillas

If You Are Female...

Congratulations, you win. Despite my best attempts to persuade them otherwise, you have broken down, and destroyed the will of one of my bros, thereby all but ending their lives, and with no doubt owning their souls. Well unless you're one of the moms, in which case you have long since destroyed the soul of a man, and because I carry nothing but respect for the moms of America, you all but own my soul as well. So enjoy your victory, stop bragging, because quite frankly it's just mean and not nice, and please let your man have some fun at least once in a while, if not for his own sake, then for the sake of his bros. Thank you ladies.

Ideal Drunk Snacks

- Munchos + Cheetos Cheese Puffs as previously discussed
- Advil + Water to avoid the hangover
- Cold Fucking Pizza of course you bitches
- Breakfast for Dinner, because seriously, unless you're a faggoty bitch, when is that ever not good? Norms is highly recommended, unless of course there is an IHOP in your vicinity. IHOP is always the best, with Denny's being in dead last fucking place.
- King Taco
- Tequila Tequila Tequila
- Setting off fireworks, and aiming them at close family members and friends...anyone who remembers a certain 4th of July knows what I'm talking about
- Whatever the fuck is leftover from the evening. Seriously bro, food is food, are you really going to be that much of a bitch about what you eat at this point?

I Am Under Control...

unlike the other night, where I had no fucking idea what the fuck was going on, but even still, a 13th subscriber, even if you don't read every day, would be greatly appreciated, just because this is the blog of marc1313, so a 13th subscriber would kind of be fitting. Please, readers, tell all your attractive and possibly bicurious hawt female friends about this blog, because well this blog is completely suited for them.

The Moderator

is officially drunk, and you can all go fuck yourselves, because nobody and I mean NOBODY tells the drunk moderator what to do! "Sick" woman, this is all your fault, because your lies and deceit started this whole disaster. I mean, "Just Kidding". I would never tell you what to do Woman! Please don't hurt me.

Friday, January 15, 2010

2010 Fantasy Football 1st Round Mock Draft

#1- Chris Johnson RB- TEN. 2000 yards rushing do I really need to say any more. He's also a big part of the Titans passing game, and with Vince Young emerging this year, his value could even go up next year.

#2- Adrian Peterson RB- MIN. While the fumbles are still a problem, All Day became a big part of the passing game this year, increasing his value in PPR leagues. Plus, the Vikings are a better offense than Jacksonville, meaning more scoring opportunities.

#3- Maurice Jones Drew RB- JAX. Mr. Everything for the Jaguars is still a dream pick especially in PPR leagues.

#4- Ray Rice RB- BAL. Look at all your different fantasy leagues, and I highly doubt that the Ray Rice owner in your league missed the playoffs in any of them, unless that owner was completely incompetent. This late late round/undrafted pick became the feature back for one of the most run-heavy offenses in the league. If McGahee and his TD vulturing leaves town, I would even consider Rice as the number 2 overall pick.

#5- Jamaal Charles RB- KC. Chris Johnson lite, Charles absolutely exploded onto the fantasy scene, taking over for Larry Johnson mid season. Scoring a TD almost every game, and getting at least 12 fantasy points a game against the toughest run defenses, Charles exploded in the fantasy playoffs, and if the Chiefs improve their offensive line this offseason, he could put up Chris Johnson like numbers next year. Durability is a concern, as he is a bit undersized, but his explosiveness and big play ability make him a first rounder for sure.

#6- Andre Johnson WR- HOU. The Texans' offense especially late in the year WAS Matt Schaub to Andre Johnson. He led the league in receiving yards, was a PPR monster, and rarely had a bad outing. Receivers can win you leagues, and he is probably the only WR worthy of a first round pick.

#7- Frank Gore RB- SF. While the Niners have become more pass-happy under Singletary, Gore is still the featured back, in a league where time shares are becoming increasingly prevalent.

#8- Steven Jackson RB- STL. 2nd in the league in rushing yards, but only 4 TD's last year. If the Rams offense can play somewhat competently, you'll be getting a bargain with him at this pick.

#9- Michael Turner RB- ATL. Projected as high as 2nd this year, the Burner should be back next year with a vengeance, after Atlanta's very disappointing finish this season.

#10- Aaron Rodgers QB- GB. I'm very opposed to taking a QB in the first couple of rounds, but Rodgers is worth it. He has so many weapons to throw to in Green Bay, and despite offensive line problems all year, was remarkably consistent, putting up 25 fantasy points nearly every week. His 30 yards rushing/game + 5 rushing TD's give him a lot of extra boost, and build the case towards using a first round pick on him. By far the best fantasy QB in the game.

#11- Cedric Benson RB-CIN. While I'd be a bit concerned about him being a one-year wonder, you can't bet against the man who finally lived up to the potential, in a system where he is the guy, and a run-first offense.

#12- Ronnie Brown RB-MIA. While the time share with Ricky Williams is concerning, this is still a brutal offense to defend against, and Brown was a top 5 fantasy player before getting injured.


Two more years in Dodger Blue for #27, thus avoiding arbitration. After hearing rumors that he may be leaving Chavez Ravine, this is very welcome news. The Dodgers also locked up Chad Billingsley for another season, and while he was awful in the 2nd half last year, he still has plenty of potential, and should not be forgotten. FINALLY some good news for frustrated Dodger fans who have suffered an offseason plagued with divorce proceedings, and no signs of any good in the near future.

NFL Divisional Playoffs Preview

Pretty embarrassing 1-3 last week. Totally embarrassed and totally ashamed.

Cardinals @ Saints: Could easily be a repeat of last week's Packers-Cardinals game, which was an all-timer. Both teams are going to air it out a LOT, and neither team's defense is particularly impressive, so it should be a very high scoring affair. In what is pretty much a crapshoot, I just cannot pick against Kurt Warner in a playoff game. The man just rises to the occasion.

Cardinals 38 Saints 35

Ravens @ Colts: We're going to find out whether or not it was worth it to bench the starters, and punt away an undefeated season for Indy. Two very battle tested and experienced playoff teams, with very contrasting styles. The Ravens play the game the way you have to to win in the playoffs: Run the Ball and play good defense. Unfortunately, this won't work against the Colts. Indy's weakness is their pass defense, but the Ravens only throw the ball 10 times a game, and the Colts are stout against the run. To win this game, Joe Flacco is going to have to convert some big 3rd downs, and probably have a big play or two, to match the big plays that Indy inevitably is going to score.

Colts 24 Ravens 14

Cowboys @ Vikings: Game of the week imo. Both teams have very well-balanced offenses, with plenty of playmakers, and very strong defenses particularly upfront. Both teams are very explosive on special teams, although both teams' field goal kickers leave something to be desired. In a game that is as evenly matched as any we've had in the playoffs so far, I'll take the Vikings just because of the home-field advantage, which actually will play a role since the game is in a dome. The Vikings have more WR depth that the Boys, which will be crucial, since both teams are close to impossible to run against, as this game will be determined in the air.

Vikings 21 Cowboys 17

Jets @ Chargers: Get off the Jets bandwagon everybody! Yes they have played very good football for the past 3 weeks, but lets look at who they beat: A Colts team that punted away their undefeated season by benching their starters in a close game late, a Bengals team that didn't show up, and a Bengals team with only 1 solid WR, a QB that had a horrendous day, and a FG kicker that might have been on the take. The Chargers have none of those problems. Philip Rivers has had one of the quietest big seasons in NFL history, and he has TONS of weapons to throw to. While Vincent Jackson will be quieted by Revis, Malcolm Floyd, LT, and Sproles are all big playmakers that the Jets must account for. However, the big X factor is Antonio Gates, who is a monstrous TE that is going to create all sorts of matchup problems for the Jets. Look for a 100+yard 2 TD game from Gates, as the Chargers roll. Once they get a lead, they will stuff the box, shut down Thomas Jones/Shonn Greene, and Mark Sanchez will be unable to rally the Jets with a weak WR core.

Chargers 34 Jets 13

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

This Post

made eye contact with Chuck Norris without his permission, and well you know the rest.

This Post

drank a liter of vodka, destroying its liver, and was unable to be saved by the paramedics.

WingWoman Application

In case there are no qualified wingmen out there, here is the wingwoman application

- Must always have the moderator's sexual interests at heart
- Must be willing to "Suit Up" when necessary. Hey if you want to show me your deovtion you must be willing to show me your devotion, and that includes "suiting up" when necessary.
- Must be in a relationship, and her b/f must be bros with the moderator. Single chicks run the risk of becoming the object of my affection + women in relationships give off feelings of stability which the chicks that the moderator is targeting might trust.
- Must be willing to earn the trust of and then deceive vulnerable super hot single chicks who otherwise would never even look twice at the moderator
- Will always be treated like the lady that she is, in exchange for her loyalty and quality service
- Must be super awesome, have a personality that works well with the moderator, so that they are able to handle situations when shit goes down, and they must be able to deal with any and all adversity.

Wingman Application

- Must always have my best sexual interests in mind
- Must always be willing to "Suit Up"
- Must be "one the same page" as me, and not ever pussy out on the moderator
- I'm pretty sure that almost all of my male readers are taller than me, so when approaching two chicks at a bar, you always get the taller one, and I always get the shorter one. This ensures that we're each going to get "the hotter one" an equal amount of the time. I don't want to be banging a chick whose like 6 feet tall, and while you're going to usually get the chicks with the nicer racks, I'll "settle" for chicks with nicer compact bodies.
- We take turns being the DD, and actually to be honest, really the sober guy should generally hook up with the sober chick, and the drunk guy with the drunk chick.
- Must be a stand up guy who's not going to burn me or try to fuck me over. Seriously, if you do, I have female friends who will introduce you to a world of pain that you cannot possibly understand.

How I Met Your Mother

- Seriously this week's episode was the most awesome episode ever.
- Ted going on a date with the future mother's roommate, and Summer from the OC was awesome. Damn she still looks good, apparently guys pass her over the roommate/future mother, which unless the future mother is Taylor from the OC or Carrie Underwood, who btw is scheduled to appear on the show this season, is an incomprehensible statement to me. Kind of nice to get a little closer to the identity of the mother, while still leaving it plenty wide open
- I absolutely love how bicurious Lily is. Seriously they need to just work in an episode where her and Robin have a full make-out session or at least something close to that, because her character and the viewers deserve it. Alyson Hannigan has never looked so hot, although Robin behind the bar was pretty fucking hot, not sure how anyone male or female could resist her.
- Still, the mother fucking star of the show was Barney's musical note at the end about Suits vs. Super Hot Chicks. Probably the best moment in the show's history, and possibly the 3 most super awesome minutes of television history, at least until they have the full Lily-Robin full-on makeout (and maybe more) session.

An Argument for Average Looking Chicks

While this blog always has been and always will be concerned with its male readers + the moderator + any single hawt bicurious female readers (whom I would love to meet btw) scoring the hottest piece of ass possible, here are some arguments in favor of scoring the 5's-7's of the world, who can be very viable options, especially when the 8+'s have burned you in the past.

Most of the below points are predicated on the premise that: as an average looking chick she hasn't had many b/f's and/or guys interested in her, and will therefore he grateful and happy that you took interest in her

- Less suitors= less likely to cheat on you
- Reduces the amount of douchebags who are going to hit on her when you go out to bars and clubs i.e. less fucktards who you're going to have to fuck up
- While her lesser degree of experience may reduce the quality of sex, the quantity is almost guaranteed to be higher, and the "options" available to you are almost sure to be higher...much more likely to secure a threesome with an average looking chick than with a hottie, unless said hottie is an insane freak, in which case, insta marry her before someone else does
- Less drama
- Less likely to blackmail you, try to fuck you over, or give you bullshit for the most insignificant/minor infractions...your quality of life will be significantly higher with a modest chick
- Less likely to be full of herself, stuck up, and a general bizzotch

5 Meals You Haven't Had But Should

- Chicken Picatta at the Commerce Casino...still to this day the best Chicken Picatta I've ever had, and that's saying a lot. Just play some 2/4 and enjoy this fine meal via table side service.
- Carne Asada Tacos from the mexican food stand at the Commerce Casino...2nd only to King Taco for best carne I've enjoyed. When I used to play live exclusively, the food was the biggest attraction to go to Commerce over Gardens
- Lemon Chicken w/Linguini at MammaLucca's in Brea. Chicken= fucking awesome...pasta= fucking awesome...garlic bread= fucking awesome...cute waitress who was definitely into me= super fucking awesome...sorry for the poor vocabulary, I'll try better next time
- Munchos Potato Chips and/or Cheetos Cheese Puffs when your Blood Alcohol is greater than 0.20. The Taj Mahal of drunk snacks, and nothing even comes close to matching them.
- 1/2 a big bag of Lay's Potato Chips + 4 chocolate chip cookies. When you're a college student whose laziness, and unwillingness to stop watching the temporary free Skinemax compliments of the cable company are so great, that he can't drive to the In N Out or Jack in the Box located within 1/4 mile of his apartment, and settle for this as your "dinner" you will experience an appreciation for fast food that will never leave you.

How NOT to Get Laid

Disclaimer: The moderator certainly has never engaged in any of the actions listed below

- Getting so nervous around some super hot chick that you start hyperventilating, and end up saying nothing to said chick
- Stumbling your delivery of the asking out of some chick, having a "sober" blackout, and not really remembering anything about the incident, other than you did not get the date
- Moving too fast...if I've learned anything, it's to take things slow in almost all situations (Exception: The chick grabs you, and says: "Let's Fuck Now"...then go fuck her you ra tard)
- Getting "friend zoned". Stop being Mr. Nice Guy, because once you're friend zoned, you're fucked, and not in the good way.
- Getting so drunk that you can't stand up straight
- Getting so drunk that you can't even ask said hot chick if she wants to fuck
- Getting so drunk, that even if you did get laid, you wouldn't have remembered it

Romeo Romeo Where for Art Thou Romeo?

Romeo Crennel is coming to the Chiefs, completing the New England transformation, as we now have him, Weis, Pioli, Cassel, and Vrabel. We obviously have a sound organizational structure, and plenty of A+ talent evaluators who should be able to help develop our young talent into future stars. Very excited for this year's draft, and free agent signing period. If we get the right pieces, we may be in line for a playoff spot next year.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Kiffinator

For those of you who don't know, Tennessee Head Coach, and former USC Asst/Offensive Coordinator/Recruiting Coordinator is going to be the next head coach of the USC Trojans. While I really wanted Riley, he didn't want the job, and I really like the hire for the following reasons.

First, here are my concerns:

- Lack of experience as a head coach, and had a very tumultuous tenure with the LOL Raiders
- Has earned a bad reputation as a jerk and a weasel
- Obviously concerned that his tenure will be short, and he could easily jump to the NFL if he has any sort of success


- He was here before. He helped put together the dynasty at SC, and was even recruiting coordinator for a couple of years. The man knows how to recruit, and hopefully will be able to retain some of our committed recruits, and possibly bring a couple of the guys who committed to Tennessee as well.

- He's not afraid to say what's on his mind. The world of college football is tough and cutthroat where only the strong survive, and I know that Kiffin will have his players' backs. The man stood up to Al Davis, and called out Urban Meyer who's SEC Royalty ffs. The swagger that he brings with him is not unlike that of Jimmy Johnson with Miami, and might be the right type of attitude that will suit that of some of his players. This game isn't about being well-liked, it's about winning football games.

- He's bringing his father, vaunted NFL Defensive Coordinator Monte Kiffin, as well as recruiting coordinator/D-Line coach, and former Trojan assistant Ed Orgeron, whose return will be greatly appreciated. The addition of these two to our coaching staff will hopefully the Trojans regain the discipline that has been sorely lacking in teams from the past few seasons, and improve a defense that was shredded nearly all season long.

- The juries still out, I hope it works out, this is definitely a "risky" hire, but with LOI day less than a month away, a decision had to be made quickly. Best of luck to Lane, and Fight On!


Woman of the Day: Autumn Reeser

Famous for: Playing Taylor Townsend on "The OC"

- One of only three women in the world whom I would insta marry, no questions asked, don't care if she's a complete insane nutcase, because the sex would be worth it, with Carrie Underwood and Kaley Cuoco (Penny) being the other two.
- Probably my favorite tv character of all-time. I literally watched this show just for her, and she was just and still is all kinds of sexiness. Seriously fucktard producers/directors give her some roles, I will definitely watch ANY SHOW/MOVIE with her in it, just for her.

Just Loving

My new Matt Cassel jersey. Thanks again Ryan + Hillary, best fucking gift ever! I'm going to be wearing this very very often in the forseeable future, and finally feel like I'm officially a full-fledged Chiefs fan. Now I just have to find a hot chick wearing a Dwayne Bowe jersey (the Chiefs #1 Wide Receiver), and well I hope you get the metaphor from there.

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Perfect Bar

- preferably has a 100%/0% female to male ratio, well at least until I come in
- average looking, friendly female bartenders...hawt bartenders are liable to end up with all of my money before i even get drunk
- has a good mix of music, mostly hip hop for dancing purposes, but plays "Sweet Caroline" once an hour
- a solid mix of women, both by age and race, and even looks scale. some nights the hawt 20 somethings are your target, but other nights you might want the experience of a cougar who is more liable to appreciate your attention/company, and finally it's always good to know that when you strike out with the hotties, there's the homely chicks to fall back on
- has an electric live feel to it, but isn't too loud. nothing worse than having to shout at someone an inch away from you
- has karaoke nights

Notes To Married Men:

(1) LOL You
(2) What are you doing reading my blog? Did your wife give you permission to do so? I don't think so.
(3) Get back to pruning the roses in her garden, and watching The Notebook for the billionth time with her, in the desperate hope that it will put her in "the mood".
(4) It won't, that sexless streak is gonna last another 10 years.
(5) Once again, LOL You. You chose her over your bros, so don't expect me to feel sorry for you.

The Bachelor

A reader told me about the show, recommending it on the basis of: all the hot chicks on it, and gave me promises of possible lesbianism on the show, so during the commercials for the CBS shows I checked it out, and here are my notes.

- While most of the chicks on the show are 7-9's, there are no 10's, at least not from what I saw, and that's very disappointing.
- A few of the chicks are flat out unattractive, yet were somehow still on the show, which unless the guy has banged them already, and they're amazing in bed just astonishes me.
- No lesbianism and no promises of lesbianism from what I saw which= said reader and I are going to have to have some words.
- This show actually kind of tilts me. How can these chicks just go on the show, insta fall in love with this random guy, and just agree to marry him if he picks them. It kind of makes a mockery out of marriage imo, and the hopeless romantic in me actually is offended.
- However, that guy has no fucking business in this blog, here it's all about the horny bastard virgin who has some questions:

(1) How does this one guy get so fucking lucky that he just gets thrown 25 hawt chicks who want to insta fuck and marry him?
(2) If this guy is such a catch, HOW THE FUCK can he be so unreal stupid to get married? I mean you're still young bro, have a solid 5-10 years of just banging every hot chick in sight, and then settle down and give your balls, life, and all sense of self-respect away.
(3) Who wants to go with me, and more importantly where the fuck is this house where the show is filmed at? All these vulnerable, heart-broken women who have just had their soul-crushed on national TV are going to need a shoulder to cry on, someone to confide in, and I would be more than happy to fill that role. For all my faults, I really am a great listener, and have no qualms with being a rebound guy, and waking up with her gone and ashamed of having slept with me.

A-Z Hottest Women

Forgive me for any errors, just have a letter fetish at this moment, and gonna do a quick run through. Feel free to offer suggestions.

A- Autumn Reeser
B- Beyonce
C- Carrie Underwood
D- Devon Aiko...just watch Sin City
E- Eva Longoria
F- got irony
G- Giada
H- Hayden Panetierre
I- Isla Fisher
J- Jessica Alba
K- Kristin Kreuk
L- Lauren Graham
M- Megan Fox
N- Natalie Gulbis
O- Olivia Wilde
P- * knock knock knock* Penny *knock knock knock* Penny
Q- can't even think of a girl's name for this letter
R- Rachel McAdams
S- Selma Hayek
T- super super bitch from all accounts, but Tyra Banks...if you're a 23-30 year old male who had the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition with her on the cover, you know what I'm talking about.
U- see Q
V- Vera Farmigma
W- Wendy Peffercorn
X- see U
Y- Yasmine Bleeth or something like that...that supermodel
Z- Zooey Deschanel

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Another Recurring Nightmare

For newer readers, or in case I haven't posted about this before, ever since my splenectomy I pretty much have horrific nightmares every single night, usually involving myself, or the people that I care about being in life-threatening danger, but often just other bad shit happening to me and the people that I care about. Well it's actually kind of good, because no matter how shitty a day I have, it absolutely pales in comparison to my dream life + I never wake up thinking Aww shit it was only a dream. Waking up= sweet fucking relief. Perhaps somebody can dissect the meaning of this one for me:

- There's usually some slight variations to it, but the general gist is:
- I'm at a very crowded mall and I think I'm usually alone.
- Somebody is threatening to blow up the mall, and I am the only person who knows about it, or can do anything to stop it. Like if I tell anyone the mall gets blown up, or they won't believe me I guess.
- The perpetrators are usually a mix of men and women, and I usually get the shit beat out of me by them.
- Inevitably I am able to stop the bomb from being detonated, but sustain mortal injuries while doing so, and wake up as I realize that death is upon me.

10 Reasons Why I Miss Baseball

(1) Unlike football, baseball is on every single day. There's no waiting around, if you lose a game, guess what, there's one tomorrow.

(2) Keeping score is just so much fun, and helps you maintain your focus on the game and what is going on.

(3) Watching Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier play every single day.

(4) The smell of the grass, the sound of the bat hitting the ball, and the constant sound of players playing catch.

(5) Talking baseball with all my friends and my dad, enhancing my knowledge of the game, and hopefully doing the same for them.

(6) Dodger Dogs, $10 beers, and King Taco after the games.

(7) Twin killings, triples, straight steals of home, and the suicide squeeze.

(8) Those yardstick margaritas that they serve at Angel Stadium. Yea I dislike the Halos, but those margs are fucking bomb shizzle.

(9)Fantasy baseball and checking the box scores when I get home every night to insta put me in a good/bad mood. Keeper league this year boys. Ship me the entire Texas Rangers team please.

(10) Vin Scully. In the days of free agency, massive trading, and zero player loyalty, he is the one constant. This appears to be his final season behind the mic, and Dodger fans, hell baseball fans should relish every minute, because he truly is the greatest that ever was or ever will be.

Football For Women (With Humor of Course)

This post is to help you women better understand the game of football, and show off your knowledge at this year's Super Bowl parties. Hey you'll definitely know more than teh gheys, and you can teach the other women all your new knowledge, which if you're single, will pretty much guarantee that you'll be able to get any guy that you want. If you already know and completely comprehend all the information posted below, please get in contact with me immediately for some sexy time. See diagram below for assistance,


QB: The Quarterback, the leader of the offense who throws passes to receivers, and hands the ball off to running backs. Effectively quarterbacks must have a strong arm, intelligence, and preferably some good mobility. Think of the QB as yourself ladies.

WR: On passing plays, their objective is to get open and catch the football thrown to them by the quarterback, and then gain as much yardage possible after the catch. On running plays, they block for whoever is running with the ball. Think of them as all of your girlfriends, your bitches who you complain to about whenever you OMG break a nail or OMFG gained 2lbs. and receive this news in stride. Shitty metaphor but STFU if I had good metaphors for this, it would mean I actually understood women, hence making me (1) teh ghey (2) some chick's bitch.

LT: Left tackles are the most important offensive players after the quarterback. If you watched "The Blind Side", Michael Oher, the main character is a left tackle. On running plays, their job is to help create holes for the running back, and on passing plays, their job is to protect the quarterbacks blind side. Without a good left tackle, quarterbacks are susceptible to injury, and sacks, and the team will NOT have success. This is like your b/f who protects you, takes care of you, but gets no glory for doing so.

LG + RG + RT= Big mother fuckers who need to open up holes in the running game, and protect the quarterback. They're like your b/f's guy friends who protect you, have your back, and do all the other bitch work for you.

C= The big mofo who snaps the ball to the quarterback.

TE= A player lined up on the end of the offensive line who can either stay in to block, or go out run a route, and catch passes. Tight ends must be big and strong, as well as somewhat agile and have strong/soft hands to catch passes.

Fullback: The lead blocker for the running back, who occasionally gets carries, or catches passes.

Running Back: The main carrier of the football. Running backs must combine strength and ability to sustain hits, with quick elusiveness, patience, and vision to find the holes in the line, and burst through them.

Other terms:

The Pocket: An imaginary safe zone that forms in the shape of a pocket, hence the name from which the quarterback is supposed to be safe and throw the football from. It is created when the offensive tackles drift slightly back and outside to block the defensive ends.

Power I: A formation with one tight end, one WR to each side, and where the fullback is lined up right behind the QB, and the running back is lined up right behind the Fullback. A great formation for running plays or....

Playaction: A play where the QB fakes a handoff to the running back, only to drop back and throw the ball to a receiver. This usually works well after a team has been running the ball well for a while, as defenders will bite on the fake, leaving receivers wide open. Think of this as when you women talk. You always say something, but mean another, causing great confusion amongst every single member of the male gender, as you expect us to magically decipher your true intentions.

Shotgun: A formation will 3-5 receivers where the QB lines up a few yards behind the center.

Red Zone: When the offense gets within the opposing team's 20 yard line, they are said to be in the red zone, which is prime scoring range.

The Line of Scrimmage: Where the ball starts at on the play.


LE/RE: Defensive ends are big but quick guys whose objective is to get around the offensive tackles, and put pressure on/sack the quarterback. This is like that weird creepy guy who won't keep bugging you or asking you, and always seems to be where you are. Yeah that guy.

DT= Defensive tackles are big bad mofos who are there to take up space and shut down holes in the running game. On passing plays they need to push the offensive guards + center back to try and collapse the pocket.

OLB= Outside linebackers need to collapse on running plays, cover inside receivers and tight ends, and make quick smart decisions on the field.

ILB/MLB= The middle linebacker is the heart and soul, captain, and quarterback of the defense. Great middle linebackers will be able to diagnose the offensive play at the line of scrimmage and holler instructions to his teammates. He must stop running plays, cover zones in the passing game, and often act as a spy on the QB to try and stop him if he tries to take off running.

CB= Cornerbacks cover wide receivers and must stay on them like glue. They are the "douchebags" that try and hit on your girlfriends at the bar.

S= Safeties are the last line of defense. If a running back gets past the linebackers, they must come up and make the tackle, but they primarily must defend the passing game, and cover extra receivers/those who get past their cornerback. It is vital that they not bite on playaction plays, or a big passing play is sure to ensue.

More terms:

Blitz: When the defense sends linebackers, cornerbacks, or safeties to rush the QB. This is of extreme importance to defensive success, because any decent QB will have success when he has time to throw. Putting pressure on him forces mistakes like Interceptions and Fumbles, creates QB sacks (tackles on the QB for a loss of yardage), and disrupts timing which is very important in the passing game, hence leading to more incompletions. Blitzes must come from different angles, different positions, and the players blitzing shouldn't "show their hand too early" or the quarterback can "audible" and change the play.

Man coverage: When one corner/safety is assigned to cover one wide receiver usually on blitzing plays.

Zone: When each linebacker/corner/safety is assigned one region of the field each that they are to cover instead of covering a particular receiver.

3-4: A defensive scheme used by the Chiefs and some other teams with 3 defensive linemen, and 4 linebackers.

4-3: The standard scheme with 4 defensive linemen + 3 LB's.

Nickel: 4 defensive linemen, 2 LB's, 3 cornerbacks, and 2 safeties. Used when there's an extra wide receiver, and the extra cornerback is called the "nickelback".

Dime: 4 DL, 1 LB, 4CB's, 2S. The extra corner is called the "dimeback".