As many of you know, my bro Paul is off and gone to make the biggest mistake of his life, and has selected me to be the best man. This is an extreme honor, and probably the only opportunity that I will get to fulfill these duties, since most of my other bros either have actual blood brothers, or friends that they've known longer/are closer to. Despite my very staunch LOL marriage beliefs, I know that I sure as fuck better not fuck any of this shit up, or face the wrath of bridezilla.
-Serve as the groom's personal aide and adviser before and during the wedding. This can include helping him pack for the honeymoon (the valet part)
I make no promises, but I'll at least try to make sure he makes it to the ceremony alive, although I can't promise he'll be conscious. He's a big boy, he can make his own decisions. As for the "personal aide", Bro, you're going to be 25 years old on that fateful date, you can get dressed on your own. Fuck, I can barely dress myself, how the fuck am I going to dress another human being. Plus dude dressing another guy is pretty fucking gay. Packing= no problem just pack your bag full of booze, booze, and more booze. You're getting married, lady liquor is going to be your best friend from this point on. As for the advisor part: Well I highly doubt that you're going to want to hear what I really think, so I suppose I'll feed you a bunch of bullshit. Just remember to say the right name, and when in doubt, just say "You're right honey, sorry, I love you" and then stop talking.
-Help the groom choose and rent (or buy) wedding formalwear, and coordinate the other groomsmen's rentals. You guys are supposed to match, after all! You may be expected to arrange accommodations for out-of-town groomsmen.
LOL just LOL at bridezilla allowing the guy who still believes that stripes on stripes (to create a straight line obv...this has been a topic of extensive debate) is good fashion sense to make any decisions regarding clothes.
-Organize the bachelor party. Don't be shy about enlisting other groomsmen to help you out -- most guys don't mind this duty! Put financial worries out of your mind -- the cost should be split among everyone who attends the bash.
The plan as of now though is tons of: Coke(the soda silly) + watching sports (but not betting on it) + discussing our feelings FTW!
-Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner with the bride and groom and all the other attendants. This is your chance to figure out how you're supposed to walk down that aisle.
This will be VERY necessary. Having not attended a wedding in over 12 years, and remembering nothing about any previously attended weddings, I'm going to be pretty fucking clueless about everything until this point. God awful chick flicks are really my only guide to weddings at this point.
-Stand beside the groom at the altar and keep the bride's ring until vows are exchanged. Find a safe place for the ring (and triple check that your pockets don't have holes) -- you don't want to fumble around when it's time to whip it out.
*cough* Don't do it. While I'm generally clumsy, when the fucking game is on the line, I'm all about power running the ball up the middle, and trust me all, I'm not going to lose that rock.
-Corral the other guys and make sure they're performing their groomsman duties.
The blind leading the blind
-Sign the marriage license as a witness after the ceremony, along with the maid of honor.
LOL at my signature on a marriage license. So funny for so many reasons. I'm pretty sure that my signature on a marriage license officially makes the marriage null and void, but nonetheless, it is my duty, and I will fulfill it.
-Give the officiant a sealed envelope with his or her fee (the groom's responsibility) just after the ceremony.
-You may be announced with the maid of honor when the reception begins.
Will be an honor. Ashley is super awesome.
-Dance with both the honor attendant and the bride during the wedding party dances.
Dancing with the bridesmaids or any other females in the ceremony= an honor and privilege. When it comes time to dance with the bride, I guess I'll find a fucking bowling alley or something.
-Give the first toast to the bride and groom at the reception. This is your biggest and probably most frightening -- duty. Read our article about how to give a toast, and remember the cardinal rule: Mum's the word on the bachelor bacchanalia.
Ohh fuck no it's not frightening. In fact I'm excited as fuck for this part. Already have a solid draft of my toast, and lets just say that I have a surprise in store for the bride and groom. Anybody who knows me, and is there will never forget it.
-Decorate the getaway mobile. Grab the other groomsmen and the bridesmaids for this one.
I DEFINITELY have some good ideas here. Doubt I'm actually going to get to use any of them though.
-Drive the couple to the wedding-night hotel or airport after the reception. If you perform this service, you'll need to stay sober throughout the reception. If you have a feeling this may not be possible, hire a limo to drive the couple into the sunset.
I know this is the one that the moms are going to be paranoid and concerned about, but given all the duties that I will be having to fulfill, I doubt that I'll have time to drink anyways, and even if I could, I WON'T. This is their day, and all kidding aside, I'm not going to fuck it up, and driving them one more time in the Old Civic will be an honor. Plus, there will be plenty of time after the fulfillment of my duties to beat my liver into oblivion, which trust me I will.