Thursday, May 26, 2011

Wingwoman Application

Everybody with half a brain knows that a wingwoman is 100x better than a wingman. Women want what other women have, or at least they think they have, plus being seen with another woman alerts other prospective targets that at least someone can stand the son of a bitch.

- must be between 21 and 35 years of age
- must be willing to engage in any and all plays from "The Playbook"
- should be at least a 7 on the 1-10 scale
- must be a VERY good liar
- being multilingual is a huge plus

- dinner/drinks on me
- i'll buy you a shit ton of clothes/jewelry/whatever it takes to make you look better and get the job done
- if you are single, i will be happy to satisfy your sexual needs whenever you desire

Man Laws Revisited

I've been encountering many discussions recently regarding what is a man law violation and what is not, so here is a refresher course. The first two laws are etched in stone, and violation of either results is "A Technical Foul" (please at least one person get the reference) resulting in loss of friendship.

MAN LAW #1: What a bro tells another bro in secrecy remains between them. No telling the girlfriend, the wife, the mistress, NOBODY!

MAN LAW #2: No sleeping with your bro's girlfriend/fiancee/wife, or mother under ANY circumstances. One night stands with a sister or ex are also strictly forbidden, but falling in love with and marrying a sister or ex is ok.

The rest of the man laws are not friendship lost man laws, but ones punishable by some good-natured ribbing, a sock to the nuts, etc. etc. There are many more, but these are what I feel like posting for now.

Man Law #3: The only acceptable chaser for a shot is a swig of beer or another shot. None of this lime shit or water shit.

Man Law #4: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, except herpes, that shit will come back with you.

Man Law #5: When your wingman "fucks the ugly one" for you, you must return the favor at your earliest convenience.

Man Law #6: NEVER BREAK UP A GIRL FIGHT EVER!!! Violation of this law results in you automatically losing your mancard forever, and being required to wear a sign that says: "I am a Vagina" around your neck for a period of one week.

Man Law #7: A man must immediately inform all bros in the immediate vicinity of: a girl fight, two chicks making out, two chicks having sex, or the opening of a new strip club. EXCEPTION: If making said notification might result in the ending of said activity, then said man gets a pass.

Man Law #8: You must passionately love either sports or cars. Loving both is perfectly acceptable, but if you hate both, well you might as well move to San Francisco, put a skirt on, and bend over for some drag queen you faggot! Note: the moderator holds no will ill towards the gay community, I merely mean to mock "straight men" who don't like either sports or cars.

Man Law #9: You officially become a man the day that you suffer a sports injury. If you've been lucky and have never had one, well work on your cutbacks, make the Ravens practice squad as a RB, and before the first snap, call out Ray Lewis and call him a fucking pussy. Problem Solved.

Man Law #10: Either "Die Hard" or "Terminator 2" should crack your Top 10 movies list. If "Bridget Jones' Diary" or "The Notebook" crack your top 10, go make yourself another Washington Apple and cry yourself to sleep you fucking pussy.

Why My Engaged/Married Bros Owe Me

Background: Most of my friends are couples, and I can really be an asshole to my female friends, but there is a method to the madness.

(1) The shit I say is fucking funny.
(2) When I legitimately hurt their feelings, as I have on multiple occasions, they can go crying to respective bro. Said bro makes them feel better, said bro gets laid that night. You're welcome guys, thank me later.

Random Remembrances from the Other Night

Context: Went out to Downtown Fullerton to celebrate my graduation.

- Suited up, and was dressed legendarily, and was confident that I would find some success.
- Had some bomb Chicken Picatta and got to Q&A my future "sister" Shanna. She passed with flying colors, while Brian and I went played the "World Series" game. Missed 3 from 1955-2010, fuck I'm getting rusty in my old age.
- Drank A LOT of scotch, and did some crazy double shot that Ahron bought for me.
- Hit on the same smoking hawt bartender that I was hitting on from the previous installment of "random remembrances". After some chit chat, I point blanked asked if she had a boyfriend. When she said yes, I didn't even respond, I just peaced out as quickly as I could. Yes that was kind of a dick move, but see above post for my response to that.
- Then I proceeded to run about as well as Africa. Every time I approached a chick or a group of chicks, and tried to talk to them, their bf's or escorts showed up a minute later, and I had to peace.
- Things get VERY blurry after midnight, but I know I spent a lot of money, and almost got in a fight (NOT MY FAULT ONE TIME)! Thanks to everyone who came out, I had an awesome time!

5 Hawtest Types of Chicks: 5/26 Edition

(1) Forever and Always My Beloved and Lovely Nurses
(2) Chicks with British/Australian Accents
(3) Half Asians
(4) Chicks who play Volleyball. If you don't believe me, watch a college volleyball on fox sports sometime, and watch as a half hour goes by before you change the channel, and probably your boxers. BAZINGA! No I don't actually do that, it was just a joke, and a crude one at that.
(5) Strippers who give the moderator lap dances.


Don't get me wrong, there is still nothing hawter than two chicks making out, but I am officially OFF of the Lesbian bandwagon. Don't want to get into the reason why, because it's only going to make me upset, but while I have nothing against the gay community, lesbians: you blew your chance, and I no longer hold you into a mythical category of people. Sorry, ya blew it!

The Evolution of the Drinker

High School: "Dude man I'm SO Hungover. I had 2 wine coolers last night and those things fucked me up".

College: "Dude we went all out last night, we got Coors Light instead of Natty Light". Also, Bacardi 151 takes on mythical proportions at this time, and taking a shot of such is the big time.

20-somethings: "Dude so last night I tried this new beer, and then these crazy new shots, and then this new drink, and then I forgot the rest, but it was good shit". At this age it's all about trying as much different shit as possible: beers, liquors, and shots, and discovering what different boozes give you varying levels of intoxication and hangovers.

30-somethings: "Well sir, I am above drinking a commoner beer like Sam Adams. Give me your finest craft beer". Wine tastings, craft beers, and starting to drink stuff on the rocks, anything to prove that you're not like you're not still an immature 20-something.

40+: "Whiskey straight, and don't tell the wife I was here". You have money, you drink good shit, and you have to drink to get away from the wife that doesn't put out anymore and the kids that drive you nuts.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Random Remembrances from Last Night

- Drank a Four Loko to warmup
- Went to Bar #1 in DTF (Downtown Fullerton). Ordered a round for me and the guys. Then ordered another scotch but the bartender gave me two. I was like WTF but decided to just go with the flow and go double-fisted.
- Danced a little with some chicks
- I remember vaguely talking to some guy about the chicks he was with, and I think going into some pizza place and possibly taking a nap there. I'm not sure, actually now that I think about it, I think I was tagging along with some randoms that I met, as my buddies said I peaced out for long periods of time.

Next thing I know it is 8am, I wake up. It takes me about 5 minutes to figure out where the fuck I am. My phone and car keys are nowhere to be found, and I'm like NOT this shit again?! I find them, but I also find a still wrapped condom in my pocket, and a shit ton of money not in my wallet. Its possible that I either got laid, or was part of a hooker deal gone awry, but I guess I'll never know.

I proceed to drive home and puke all over myself on the drive home, and am currently still hungover at 11pm. AWESOME NIGHT THOUGH!

I'm Back

Apologies for my absence, I've been hella busy with school stuff, and being awesome and legendary. Enjoy the slow deliverance of my most recent experiences.

- Your Appreciative Moderator

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Congrats Ryan and Hillary!

On your engagement! Although the moderator's official will remain: DO NOT get married under any circumstances ever, I guess I can make an exception in this case. Congrats to both of you! WOMAN! Congrats on officially becoming my little sister. This entitles you to me always having your back under any circumstances no matter what from now until the end of time.