Thursday, April 19, 2012

This Post...

had about as much a chance of ending well as a drunk marc pick-up attempt on a sober lesbian

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Random Shit That Makes Me Want to Stab Kittens

- Bicyclists: there is a lane for you, it's called the fucking BIKE LANE! STAY THE FUCK IN IT! I don't care how fucking fast you think you are, cars are faster you, so get the fuck out of the way.
- Pedestrians: Please walk slower while you jaywalk and make 3 lanes of traffic wait for you. I enjoy spending my whole day watching you shuffle your IPod.
- Everybody else on the road: FUCK YOU! YOU ARE A CUNT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY- Asian coming through.
- The fact that no matter where I am, printers always run out of ink/paper and/or malfunction when I really need to print something
- Don Mattingly's managing
- Fantasy Baseball
- Every diving piece of shit on the Vancouver Canucks especially that bitch Maxim Lapierre
- Ryane Clowe
- The San Francisco Giants
- Double-bogeys


- Ryan and Hillary: You're in Hawaii so you actually should be awake and reading this. Cancel that, no, if you aren't more drunk than me, then fail. Have fun and take tons of pics. Love you guys!
- Heather: I'm worried about you woman! Start drinking more, it will definitely chill you the fuck out. And resume your blog, your saracasm would make for plenty of funnies. I mean look at me, an hour ago I was about as mad as humanly possible as both my teams lost today, now I am totally relaxed and have a big smile on my face at least I think I do.
- Natalie: You are DEFINITELY NOT FAT! Ohh and drunk Natalie is awesome! "I'm drinking the same thing as her you fucking dumbass!"
- All of my other moms/other "adopted family": LOVE YOU ALL! Thank you for reading. I swear the persona that is depicted in this blog is only this way when I'm around my other friends, I never act this way when I am around your sons/daughters.
- Ahron: I'm HURT DOG! Don't ask me if I'm alright, hell NO! I want to dominate and we not doing it. Lets go man!
- Brando, Mikey P, Erik: Man I miss you guys, sorry I've been MIA. You guys always challenge drunk marc to bring his A game.
- Eric + CSUSB Baseball + girls: Man I fucking love partying with you guys. Always an adventure, btw where was my girl on friday? I'm sure I asked you 10 million times then.
- Any Hot Single Women who read my blog: My number is (562) 201-6013, anytime you want to have sex, please call me.

Random Remembrances From Recently...

I have actually not been drunk a lot recently so I only have two nights recently...

- Staying home on a friday night for the first time in forever to watch the Dodgers game. Getting hammered watching games all evening and night long.
- Doing a LOT of drunk dialing and texting
- Telling people that I loved and hated them
- Going wine tasting the next day to check our Ryan and Hill's wedding venue
- Stephen daring me to approach these drunk chicks and take their pictures. Meeting the hottest and drunkest one, taking some pictures, doing some awkward hugs and i think high-fives, but not sealing the deal.
- Falling in love with two of our wine servers. One was like 50 years, but she had a nice rack and asked me about the Masters which was like insta-boner
- The other was ridiculously hot but married. Hillary was talking to her a lot, and I got in on the conversation. When she walked away, everyone was like: "Marc is in love with her". I was like, yep.

Toby Keith's

- Two tall boys while eating wings and watching the Dodgers and Kings games
- Another tall boy, a chivas, an like half an adios (i'll explain in a minute) at toby keith's
- Looking for excuses to walk around and talk to the bartender chick at the front with an A+ rack whose tits were basically hanging out
- Some random guy bumping into me spilling half of my drink. Me standing there and his boys just telling me to move along. I get a little hostile demanding an apology, he doesn't and eventually i walk away but I was pissed.
- Two really hot chicks one wearing a Boston Bruins jersey approaching me and saying GO KINGS! I was wearing my Kings jersey. I'm like wtf you're a Boston fan. She tells me that the Kings are her western conference team. We do some high-fiving and talking about hockey, and maybe a little quick dancing. I think the 3-some is a real possiblity as they are being super friendly and approached me which never happens, so I offer to buy them a drink, but they tell me that they are lesbian lovers. I tell them each congratulations and that they are each hot, high five and walk away.
- Some overweight yet still not terrible looking chick and her bitch friend approaching me and like I have a chance here.
- Her bitch friend talking shit to Eric, so I'm like eff them.
- Eric telling me to still go for it, and pushing me towards them.
- Bitch friend gets kicked out, i think.
- I buy the BBW and myself an Adios each, she disappears for a while so I am double pounding. She returns and we start dancing. All of my friends are rooting for me, and tell me that I have a legit shot here.
- Some douchebag starts grinding on her, I tell him to go away. he does not.
- I get in his face, he gets in mine. Some other dude dressed normally gets in my face. I tell him to GTFO. Turns out he's a bouncer and I get the boot.
- Douchebag comes up to the window while I am protesting to bouncer #2, points at me and laughs. I was not pleased.
- Have a pleasant and civil yet hammered conversation with the manager. I am amazed at how polite we both were considering my state.
- Go to the bar across the street and drink another chivas before we all leave.
- Wake up to find that I sent many many many drunken texts, and one drunken facebook message to a girl that I really like (the one from the previous blog poll question) that was nice, drunk, and probably sealed my fate with her.

Things That are Deteriorating for Your Moderator

- His ability to took a while but the Asian is kicking in with a fucking vengeance
- His ability to read
- His ability to drink on back-to-back nights...except for trips, it hasn't happened for a while and I'm getting scared.
- His hope that he will find a girl that will love him (but I'll get to that later)

Women: You Might Be Fat if...

Ok so it has come to my attention that every woman on the planet thinks that she is fat, even though very few of them actually are. Well your helpful moderator always interested to help has these few helpful tips for you. Thank me later.

- White guys never hit on you
- Black guys always do
- Drunk Asian guys buy you an Adios and then get ejected from the club
- The moderator tells you you are fat or doesn't tell you "You're not fat"
- You hit on guys more than they hit on you (either that or you are a ridiculous slut, in which case, hit me up!)
- You have a worse combination of diet/alcohol consumption/lack of exercise than the moderator. Yes I do play golf, but I ride in a fucking cart.

Dodgers and Kings

Despite the Dodgers' great start and the Kings still being up 3-1, I am beyond steaming over tonight's losses, so its the return of drunk blogging. I've been preoccupied with several women, and also haven't really gotten drunk a lot lately, so not much to blog about. Dodgers got to get one tomorrow to salvage the series, and get some positive momentum back. A blowout win would be nice to rest the pen. Really worried about the Kings as Daniel Sedin's return really rejuventated that team, and Schneider has been tough the past 2 games. Gonna be tough to get that last win- luckily we have 3 chances. Lets finish this Sunday!