Monday, February 27, 2012

The Toothpick Move- Opinions Needed

Note #1: The moderator has patented this move, and decrees that only those who are obsessive toothpick users may use this move.

Note #2: There was a 50/50 split on whether this move was money or bad swag. Please offer your opinions.

The Move: I am at the bar with everybody and am about to dance with my drunk twin. The bouncer makes me put my drink down before I can go on the dance floor. At the same time I realize that the toothpick which I have been using for about 894890949094 hours is gonna smack this girl in the head if I use it while dancing with her.

For some reason the end of the movie "Grease" where Travolta and Olivia Newton-John take off their jackets and casually backflip them on the ground comes to my mind so I do the same with my toothpick and then grab her hands to dance. I thought it was really fucking sleek but I was fucked up that it probably looked atrocious. Audience reaction was mixed- trying to find video.

Legendary or Really really really bad?

I'll post you decide.

(1) The fact that there are now double digit videos of my drunken insanity in 2012
(2) The fact that for me: # of drunk marriage proposals I've made > # of dates I have gone on
(3) Facebook and my debit card receipts are usually the way I figure out WHERE i was the night before. Not what I did there, but just where the fuck I was!
(4) The majority of cab rides that I have been on in my life have been permanently erased from my memory.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Random Remembrances from This Weekend (Monterey Edition)


- Drinking a beer for breakfast
- Pounding beers on the course with Ryan and being pretty buzzed by 10am. Made 2 birdies but back to back doubles killed any chance of a great round. Still an 84 on a tough course- I'll take it.
- Rally cupping it at Eric's game and meeting my drunk twin
- Setting the world record for most pees in one day
- Phenomenal dinner and a monster glass of scotch to keep things going
- Lots and lots of scotch drinking, and some dancing with my drunk twin.
- Playing my A game in pool only to pound a couple scotches and make zero shots in 2 straight games
- Inventing "the toothpick move" see above
- Lots of talking to random people
- Leaving the bar and having some apparently hot chick ask Ryan about me. We missed each other so I never hooked up- FML!
- Making it in time to use the McDonals pisser by like 3 minutes

- Started the drinking around 3pm with a monster scotch and the world's best cup of clam chowder. "Congratulations! You did it! World's best cup of chowder"
- 3 Margaritas with dinner and they were strong as fuck
- Shots + an unknown number of scotches but the minimum number was 5.
- Having a shit ton of "challenge accepteds" with Eric
- Shooting the shit with my boy BDay and the man, the legend Sam Dow
- Seeing a strip club like private room at the bar and having people tell me that I needed to give all the women a lap dance. Somebody said I bet you wouldn't know how to give one to which I replied: "Of course not. When I'm getting a lap dance, I'm not fucking paying attention to her dancing abilities".
- I think I did a lot of dancing
- Video blogging
- Blacking the fuck out

- Getting to the game and seeing everybody else as hung the fuck over as I was. It was really fucking funny.
- Standard all day sunday hangover where I just wanted to die
- Paul telling me that I delivered a marriage proposal in my video blog and me not being surprised in the least

Thursday, February 23, 2012

"Party Girls"

- Artist: Ya Boy feat. Rico Love is quite simply the greatest song in the history of the world
- First of all I just love the jam. Very melodic and fun to dance to
- Second it's rarely played and most DJ's don't know about it which I guess makes it "cool and trendy" or whatever the fuck the hipsters call it
- Third, this is the song that had me on fire one night where I perfected a spin move and just generally was awesome until I got ejected from multiple clubs and broke phone #2. Woman and Woman can testify to this.
- Fourth, it has withstood the test of time and is the song which I request wherever I go but is never played which makes my drunk ass go ape shit.

Things That Are Probably a Bad Idea

- Getting shitfaced on the eve of a weekend where you will probably be permanently shitfaced. Your liver tends not to like that.
- Calling/texting chicks that you like and saying that "your love is my drug"
- Being a Dodgers fan
- Shaving with an old school BIC razor when you are the clumsiest mother fucker that you know
- Betting on a team with Billy Cundiff or any other idiot kicker on the roster
- Going to a strip club when you are insanely horny
- Mixing a heavy meal with a lot of beer consumption. Heavy meal has to= something on the rocks...light meal=beer to balance out the volume.
- Getting shitfaced on an empty stomach. which reminds me: a microwaved dinner is probably +ev at this point
- Breaking the seal

An Odd Connection

For some reason every time I am drunk blogging I love listening to my "strip club jams". The reason that this is odd is that my strip clubs don't serve alcohol, and all of my best strip club memories occurred while I was stone cold sober, so go figure.

Ramdom Remembrances from Vegas

Night 1

- Two beers in the room, a yardstick 190, a lot of walking, a lot of peeing, getting back to the Excalibur and playing some blackjack. I was up big, then got another 190 and some scotch and proceeded to lose it all back when I couldn't win a double down to save my life.

Next Day

- Woke up drank two beers with Ryan
- Had about 6-7 scotches while playing poker
- Had a 190 and a marg all before dinner time
- Had a few more beers, another 190, and I think a few more scotches, did some dancing and somehow didn't die
- Danced with some cougar until some younger chick came over and said "THATS MY MOM" and I stopped dancing with her
- High-fived a whole bunch of people for reasons I still do not know
- Almost vomited on the strip
- Got mondo slowrolled by a blackjack dealer and was steaming beyond belief
- Got hit on by some crazy and very ugly chick...guess I know how the chicks that I hit on feel
- Gave a bum $5 because he had a sign that said "why lie i need a whore" because why lie the moderator does to

Random Remembrances from the Past Two Months

- Making 4 youtube videos, one where I call Rick a cunt like 10 million times, one where I am vomiting after going shot-for-shot tequila shots with Thomas who is the champ. I did match him shot for shot until he had to leave and by all accounts did about 1/2 the tequila bottle so I'm no pussy. The other two involved a lot of cussing and pissing
- Peeing on the freeway several times
- Peeing in the backseat of my car
- Losing a lot of games of pool to that scam artist Ryan but winning against all others
- Drinking a shit ton of whisky with Ahron then blacking out then unblacking out while pissing behind a gas station then being at some random bar then blacking out then finding out I bought shots for all + got threatened by some ugly chick + got threatened by some random fool
- Drinking my weight in beer at Newport and doing some singing and Woman and Woman actually being nice to me and talking to me.
- Doing shots and drinking Chivas with my boys from CSUSB baseball and then a stone cold blackout. Shoutout to my boys Terzo and Carlos and Matt Haney! Your toasts are the shit don't let the haters tell you otherwise.
- MANY MANY MANY drunk texts and dials and scrambling for my phone in the morning trying to figure out the damage.

Reasons for My Long Absence

- I wasn't "feeling it". I don't want to dilute the quality of this blog by just writing willy-nilly bullshit.
- I was hurt dog, hurt really bad over my two losses to Ahron in pick 'ems and just didn't feel like posting sports stuff
- I haven't been drunk AND near a computer in a while. This is the first time in a while, and as you all know, I do my best work while drunk.

You Might Be a Crazy Drunk If...

- Everybody and I mean EVERYBODY that you see on a few times a year basis remembers you
- The same people ask you questions like: "are you drunk?" or "when are you jump into the pool?"
- There are more facebook pictures of you that you do not remember than there are of you sober
- Youtube videos of your shenanigans are posted on 3 consecutive weekends
- Last weekend was the first weekend in at least 3 months where you can remember everything that happened
- It is assumed that you are not ever
- People who you don't even know aka cannot remember are giving you mad props for your most recent drunken insanity
- Vegas is your fucking city
- Your first thought in the morning is who you tried to fight last night