Sunday, January 10, 2010

Football For Women (With Humor of Course)

This post is to help you women better understand the game of football, and show off your knowledge at this year's Super Bowl parties. Hey you'll definitely know more than teh gheys, and you can teach the other women all your new knowledge, which if you're single, will pretty much guarantee that you'll be able to get any guy that you want. If you already know and completely comprehend all the information posted below, please get in contact with me immediately for some sexy time. See diagram below for assistance,


QB: The Quarterback, the leader of the offense who throws passes to receivers, and hands the ball off to running backs. Effectively quarterbacks must have a strong arm, intelligence, and preferably some good mobility. Think of the QB as yourself ladies.

WR: On passing plays, their objective is to get open and catch the football thrown to them by the quarterback, and then gain as much yardage possible after the catch. On running plays, they block for whoever is running with the ball. Think of them as all of your girlfriends, your bitches who you complain to about whenever you OMG break a nail or OMFG gained 2lbs. and receive this news in stride. Shitty metaphor but STFU if I had good metaphors for this, it would mean I actually understood women, hence making me (1) teh ghey (2) some chick's bitch.

LT: Left tackles are the most important offensive players after the quarterback. If you watched "The Blind Side", Michael Oher, the main character is a left tackle. On running plays, their job is to help create holes for the running back, and on passing plays, their job is to protect the quarterbacks blind side. Without a good left tackle, quarterbacks are susceptible to injury, and sacks, and the team will NOT have success. This is like your b/f who protects you, takes care of you, but gets no glory for doing so.

LG + RG + RT= Big mother fuckers who need to open up holes in the running game, and protect the quarterback. They're like your b/f's guy friends who protect you, have your back, and do all the other bitch work for you.

C= The big mofo who snaps the ball to the quarterback.

TE= A player lined up on the end of the offensive line who can either stay in to block, or go out run a route, and catch passes. Tight ends must be big and strong, as well as somewhat agile and have strong/soft hands to catch passes.

Fullback: The lead blocker for the running back, who occasionally gets carries, or catches passes.

Running Back: The main carrier of the football. Running backs must combine strength and ability to sustain hits, with quick elusiveness, patience, and vision to find the holes in the line, and burst through them.

Other terms:

The Pocket: An imaginary safe zone that forms in the shape of a pocket, hence the name from which the quarterback is supposed to be safe and throw the football from. It is created when the offensive tackles drift slightly back and outside to block the defensive ends.

Power I: A formation with one tight end, one WR to each side, and where the fullback is lined up right behind the QB, and the running back is lined up right behind the Fullback. A great formation for running plays or....

Playaction: A play where the QB fakes a handoff to the running back, only to drop back and throw the ball to a receiver. This usually works well after a team has been running the ball well for a while, as defenders will bite on the fake, leaving receivers wide open. Think of this as when you women talk. You always say something, but mean another, causing great confusion amongst every single member of the male gender, as you expect us to magically decipher your true intentions.

Shotgun: A formation will 3-5 receivers where the QB lines up a few yards behind the center.

Red Zone: When the offense gets within the opposing team's 20 yard line, they are said to be in the red zone, which is prime scoring range.

The Line of Scrimmage: Where the ball starts at on the play.


LE/RE: Defensive ends are big but quick guys whose objective is to get around the offensive tackles, and put pressure on/sack the quarterback. This is like that weird creepy guy who won't keep bugging you or asking you, and always seems to be where you are. Yeah that guy.

DT= Defensive tackles are big bad mofos who are there to take up space and shut down holes in the running game. On passing plays they need to push the offensive guards + center back to try and collapse the pocket.

OLB= Outside linebackers need to collapse on running plays, cover inside receivers and tight ends, and make quick smart decisions on the field.

ILB/MLB= The middle linebacker is the heart and soul, captain, and quarterback of the defense. Great middle linebackers will be able to diagnose the offensive play at the line of scrimmage and holler instructions to his teammates. He must stop running plays, cover zones in the passing game, and often act as a spy on the QB to try and stop him if he tries to take off running.

CB= Cornerbacks cover wide receivers and must stay on them like glue. They are the "douchebags" that try and hit on your girlfriends at the bar.

S= Safeties are the last line of defense. If a running back gets past the linebackers, they must come up and make the tackle, but they primarily must defend the passing game, and cover extra receivers/those who get past their cornerback. It is vital that they not bite on playaction plays, or a big passing play is sure to ensue.

More terms:

Blitz: When the defense sends linebackers, cornerbacks, or safeties to rush the QB. This is of extreme importance to defensive success, because any decent QB will have success when he has time to throw. Putting pressure on him forces mistakes like Interceptions and Fumbles, creates QB sacks (tackles on the QB for a loss of yardage), and disrupts timing which is very important in the passing game, hence leading to more incompletions. Blitzes must come from different angles, different positions, and the players blitzing shouldn't "show their hand too early" or the quarterback can "audible" and change the play.

Man coverage: When one corner/safety is assigned to cover one wide receiver usually on blitzing plays.

Zone: When each linebacker/corner/safety is assigned one region of the field each that they are to cover instead of covering a particular receiver.

3-4: A defensive scheme used by the Chiefs and some other teams with 3 defensive linemen, and 4 linebackers.

4-3: The standard scheme with 4 defensive linemen + 3 LB's.

Nickel: 4 defensive linemen, 2 LB's, 3 cornerbacks, and 2 safeties. Used when there's an extra wide receiver, and the extra cornerback is called the "nickelback".

Dime: 4 DL, 1 LB, 4CB's, 2S. The extra corner is called the "dimeback".

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