Monday, April 4, 2011

"Woman" Status: An Explanation + Congrats Natalie!

- So on more than a few occasions I've had somebody ask me what I mean or who I'm talking about when I use the phrase "Woman", so here's the background story: My friends Heather and Hillary (who are more like sisters to me than friends) have names that are obviously similar. When I used to get drunk I would always mix their names up and call each the other one. Both would get hella pissed at me, so one night when they were both giving me shit, I got fed up, and was just like: WOMAN!!! Shut up! and then some rambling drunken nonsense.

- Now, the name has just kind of stuck, and I use it all the time both in a nice way and in a rude way, but we're cool so it's fine, trust me they call me names just as bad if not worse so it all evens out.

- My friend Morgan has since earned the "Woman" title, and this weekend Natalie has acquired said status.

So what does "Woman" status entitle you to:

- Well it means that I'm going to burden you with all of my girl successes and fails and ask you a lot of very dumb questions because I am very dumb when it comes to interacting with females.

- I will always have your back at least from guys. I have a very firm never hit a girl policy so if you want to fight some bitch, I can't intervene unless you are really getting beat. But, anytime any guy so much as looks at you funny I'm stepping in, especially while drunk. I cannot tell you how many times I have almost gotten a hospital bad beating trying to protect the H's. Yes I also overreact very badly too.

- You will be called "Woman" most of the time instead of your real name, but trust me it means you're cool, because most women would bitch slap me if I called them "Woman". By accepting this title, you're like one of the guys.

- You will know WAY too much about me and my shenanigans (especially strip club exploits). You might be repulsed, but you will always be entertained, and laughing your ass off whether with me or at me.

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