Sunday, October 25, 2009

Wedding Tips From a Guy's Perspective

Well Paul congratulations, you have just made the last relevant decision of your life, because Heather, and the two moms are now in control of anything and everything relating to the next (whatever the time period is between now and the wedding). While I acknowledge the super powers of you women, and would never try and tell you what to do, since I actually do want to live to see another day, I will simply provide you ladies with some helpful "tips" that I am going to suggest. My opinions are reflective of all HETEROSEXUAL males attending the wedding, but opinions which only a single guy can suggest because any man in a relationship saying this shit is sure to get his ass kicked/handed to him.

(1) Please Please Please Please X 1048381889309849899 X 8940377854805389 do not have an October wedding. Paul and I have discussed his Air Force situation at length, and he is going to do his part to make sure that it doesn't happen, because October is a month for (1) Playoff Baseball (2) College Football kicking in to prime gear (3) The NFL kicking into full gear (4) NO Weddings or any other female mushy gushy shit

(2) When making the final cuts on the guest list, give top priority to, in the following order (1) super hot single chicks (2) non ugly single chicks who umm how to put this lightly have "questionable moral standards" (DEAD LAST) Little kids, because they are so MF annoying and never ever stop talking.

(3) Music: A slick mix of hip hop, classic rock, modern rock, classical music, and country. When it comes to your actual wedding song, I highly recommend Pachelbel canon in D Major which is probably the most amazing/romantic piece of music ever written.

(4) Food: Alright this can be a tricky situation, and from what I've heard so far, it actually may be. Well in my honest opinion, I think that Hoer Dourves are a must (shrimp, scallops, different cheeses and meats, cheese and crackers, are all phenomenal options), but the question of how to approach it from there is a major problem, as different people have different tastes. My personal opinion, which the vegans females and super homos will hate me for, is to offer a choice of some sort of chicken, or some sort of steak, but when it comes to food, it is tough to go wrong.

(5) Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties: Allow the groom to be, and the best man a LOT of latitude in what they are allowed to do, but the female party should be limited to sipping on cosmopolitans, mudslides, and gossipping about the guys. Please please please Ashley do not take Heather out to any place where there might be other guys, because that is flat out unacceptable in this blogger's opinion. Also, and this has epic epic failure potential, we MUST MUST MUST NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT have the two parties in the same location on the same weekend, because ONLY and I mean ONLY bad fucking shit can result from that. Paul for even thinking that idea, you receive Senor Ra Tard of the week honors.

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