Heather Kathleen Owen
(1) No way in hell I'm posting a picture: (a) because it might blind or traumatize some of my readers, (b) I couldn't find one that would fit onto this page, and (c) because no picture can do justice to show how super awesome this woman is
(2) Heather well the story of your first date with Paul is a little unclear in my mind right now as discussed yesterday, but whatever really happened, the fact that you were willing to change the schedule to accomodate super depressed Marc made you super awesome from the start.
(3) Because for the first 4 months or so that I knew you, I was to put it lightly not exactly sober, sane, or a gentleman, yet you were still a great friend, and always helped me out when I was unable to help myself.
(4) Because you voluntarily learned how to keep score, which forever and always will be the most super awesome thing any female has done in the history of the world, even though it was at an Angels game, and your obsession with Justin Verlander is a little bit over the top.
(5) Because for the last however many fucking years/months you and super homo have been together, you have been somebody that I could talk to about anything and everything. I'm generally a very very very untrustworthy person (we all know about how Paul and his violation of Man Law #1 has lost him some of my trust), so for me to trust you with some of my deepest secrets speaks volumes about how much I trust you and your character.
(6) Because were it not for you, Lord knows what kind of crazy insane shit drunk Marc would have done.
Heather, and if you aren't Heather, I will politely ask you to stop reading here (because this post is about to take a sharp right hand turn into uber teh gheyville) please take care of my friend Paul. Not only can I not imagine two people who are more perfect for each other, but that man NEEDS you more than he can ever know. Without you, he is a miserable wreck, and as much of a scumbag fuckhead as I am, but with you, he is one half of a perfect match, and somebody who is capable of anything and everything. You two are perfect together, so please take care of him for the rest of your days, and even though you two are getting married, effectively ending your "coolness factor", I look forward to many many more adventures together with the two of you.
Ohh and on a personal note, I 100% promise you that I will obtain some sort of payback/revenge for your "wimpy little kid" pwnage of me the other day, and that once you have the guts to challenge me at mini golf again, I will for once in the history of life crush your soul. If you do by pure luck beat me at our mini golf rematch though, I will just insta give you my man card for life.