Friday, January 8, 2010

The Greatest Conspiracies of Our Lifetime

- 10 hot dogs + 8 hot dog buns. For a mildly OCD person such as myself, this is beyond maddening, and seriously buying 40 of each at once is the only +EV move imo.

- Hot chick advertisements. Amazing how if you flash a hawt skimpily clad woman on a billboard or in a commercial, you will insta get the attention of a very attention-deficit gender, as well as probably some females (who I'd like to meet) and see an insta boost in your sales. An extension of this would be picking the hottest chicks as restaurant hostesses, or other receptionist positions in order to reel in us suckers. Although to be honest, they really should use attractive men for such roles, because the women are the ones who have all decision-making authority, at least from my experiences.

- All these different brands of soda: Diet, Zero, different flavors, less calories, more calories, FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!! Soda is soda, I mean if you want something healthy, there's this little fucking thing called H2 FUCKING 0! And if you want something with flavor, there's plenty of juices out there. All these different flavors and varieties on soda are just a result of and increasing addition to the problem of a society so obsessed with health, yet they're so unhealthy: NEWS FLASH GENIUSES SODA IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! Not that I give a fuck about "healthy", but if you're so weight obsessed, seriously drink water or juice.

- The mystery of Kitana. Male or Female? Nobody really knows, and like many of the great TV mysteries, its better that way.

- FacebookGate: otherwise known as the fucking conspiracy that occurred against me the other day on facebook chat, and partially over the phone. No further explanation necessary, all involved parties no how badly certain man laws were violated by certain bros, as well as how no matter how badly my soul was being destroyed, I never once gave in, and continued to fight for the rights of the male gender.

- Valentines Day: A Female Conspiracy to get all guys in relationships to forego that trip to Spring Training, and instead treat their lady to a wonderful evening, and get her some balling gift. As for the single womenz' part in the conspiracy, the day gives single guys the hope that they'll be able to score some tail, or ask out the chick that they've liked for a long time, and they likewise destroy their bank accounts to try and impress said women. Just a major bullshit non-holiday imo.

- Movie Theatres: They fuck you with the ticket prices. They fuck you by not letting you bring outside food and drink. And then they SUPER FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE ASS by producing that popcorn smell which is just redonkulously irresistible, and then of course you're thirsty, and then SUPER SUPER FUCK YOU by charging $5 for a fucking bottle of water, and even more for a soda.

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